characterflawed

Hi to all, this is my first time posting and I don’t know if I’m in the right place.
I feel unbearably sad and totally lost, my life has become one long and enduring trial and good days are few and far between. My mum had cancer from me being eight years old, she died in front of me when I was 16 and I truned to alcohol to cope, I drank as when I was intoxicated things seemed better and not quite as raw, this developed into quite a problem and culminated into me losing my job and every scrap of dignity I had. I was disowned by my family 10 years ago as I was an alcoholic, a fact that saw me lose custody of my daughter, steal from my family, lie to my family constantly and culminated in them completely cutting me out of their lives, looking back I can hardly blame them. The thing is I haven't had a drink in 6 years, I worked hard and managed to become a director of the company which employs me, have a stable relationship with my partner who brought me back to life, yet I feel empty inside, nothing I acheive means anything too me and I honestly don't know how I am susposed to feel. The guilt and shame of the things I've done is debilitating and the thought that as far as my family and my daughter are concerned I am dead to them destroys me. Even after 10 years and after turning my life around, I feel worse now than I did years ago and it seems to get worse every year to the point that I don't know what to do next, I have tried anti depressant tablets and nothing seems to work, I also think I am doomed to feel like this for the rest of my life and it's my own stupid fault. I would really appreciate it if there is anyone out there who is or has experienced similar feelings / circumstances as I really don't know where else to turn. Thank you in anticipation.

BruceJ

Well, the great spiritual leaders/teachers through the ages have always offered paradoxical advice. In other words, to help ourselves, they say we need to lose ourselves in helping others.

We live in a very sick "me" centered time.

Just a thought....all the best.

characterflawed

Thank you for your reply BruceJ. I concur with that except I always feel a little ill qualified for helping others given my past misdeeds, I always feel a little bit of a fraud offering advice when I couldn't and can't seem to sort myself out.

BruceJ

Well,
There could be:
A homeless guy who could use a fast-food meal.
An old lady who could use her snow shoveled.
A friend who needs her car repaired.
A food bank low on volunteers.
A neighborhood park that could use the garbage picked up.
You get the idea.
It's a program of action that takes us "out of ourselves".
Advice giving is not a prerequisite. Neither is past misdeeds.

All the best.

Anna

I think all of us here have done things we regret. But try to remember that alcoholism isn't a character defect. It's an illness. It sounds like you're doing well, but I wonder if you've considered therapy for yourself to work through the sadness. Also, it's possible that different antidepressants will affect you in a different way, so it might be something to talk to your dr about.

I'm glad you found us.

doggonecarl

Congratulations on your sober life. Seems to me that you have moved past your misdeeds. That's all you can do. Time to forgive yourself for what you did and concentrate on what you are doing and can do.

I don't know if you have tried psychological counseling. Perhaps it is time for spiritual counseling.

I wish you the peace you deserve.

Hollyanne

Hi Characterflawed,
You don't mention if you have sought any counseling or followed a program such as AA.
I for one, am impressed that you have turned your life around.
Have you tried to let your family and especially your daughter know of these changes?

Perhaps you can open an account for your daughter and make her a nice nest-egg for when she is older?
I think you may be a little hard on yourself.

As Anna says, antidepressants vary greatly, talk to your doctor about trying different meds.
Bruce is on the ball, get out of your own head!
It is a bad neighbourhood. If you are going to go there, go with a therapist.
By the way, your partner helped, he did not do all the hard work.
If you were to hear your story, I bet you would be mightily impressed.
You can feel this way forever, or start to tackle these feelings now.

characterflawed

Thank you so much all of you for taking the time to reply, you have made a huge difference to my outlook already and it feels good to share this with people who understand and I am glad I found this forum.

Hi BruceJ, thank you I think that may help divert me somewhat and perhaps bring me out of myself.

Hi Doggonecarl, thank you so much for your kind words. I do beleive that I need to see a therapist and try to move forward as unless they invent time travel and allow me to go back and undo things I am stuck with it and need to learn to live with it, I have never tried counselling and have tried to just go it alone but have run out of ideas and coping mechanisms so I think therapy is a must now.

Hi Hollyanne, thank you for taking the time to respond and for your kind words, they really do help. I have set aside an account for my daughter and have done all this so if she ever does come back into my life she will find someone to be proud of and not the mess I used to be, that keeps me on the straight and narrow. I have had no contact with my family for just over 10 years now, I moved away from them when I stopped drinking, only around 10 miles away but far enough so I don't ever bump into them so I don't think they know how I'm doing as I'm not in contact with anyone connected with them.

As I said though unless I go back in time which is obviously impossible I need to deal with this, I have never had therapy or counselling and think that will help me enormously. Thank you all very much, you've helped tremendously already.

doggonecarl

You should be immensely proud of the great strides you've made. Once you've conquered addiction, I don't anything is insurmountable.

Prayerful thoughts going out to you.

sugarbear1

Other than not drinking, what are you doing for you to recover?

characterflawed

Hi Sugarbear1, I am trying to be a better person than I was, I just keep hitting the wall that is my past which continues to haunt me and makes me ever cautious of moving forward. It is hard for me to see what is now as apposed to what was. Through the replies I have already had, I know now that I can't deal with this alone as I have tried to do and it obviously has not worked and I need professional help via therapy, which I know now I have to do.

2granddaughters

I found the willingness and direction to move forward sober in Alcoholics Anonymous.

I found sobriety and peace in the 12 Steps.

AA is about getting sober and living sober.

All the best.

Bob R

Mafalda

Hi. I guess it's never too late to say you are sorry. Have you written your feelings down? Maybe send. Your family a letter? Most people find it hard to admit their mistakes and much less ask for forgiveness. They might not forgive you but at least you managed to heal yourself. That is an enormous feat. I know people who have really hurt their loved ones and never even acknowledged it. You are really ahead in my mind. If you were my parent I would maybe find it hard to forgive but I would hope to have enough compassion in my heart to give you credit for coming clean with what you did and trying to become a better person. I find it very helpful to talk with my therapist. I feel more comfortable rehashing all my past with just one person who won't judge.

lilyrosemary

Hey Characterflawed...we are all flawed. I am very flawed. I have to remind myself daily that the things i did in the past are just that - in the past. Today, actually right now, is what matters. don't let the past suck the joy out of what you can have right now. You are good, you are trying, that's all we can do. And you can give, you can share, you can be that helper that someone needs right now...let that be what you remember...not something you did 10 years ago. The world needs good people doing good things right now, and you are one of them! Best wishes.

instant

Maybe you are best qualified to lead by example. Actions speak louder than words

MsJax

Hi characterflawed . I am convinced that something very, very damaging occurs when a child goes through a lengthy illness of, and death of a parent. My mother too had cancer when I was a child & died 6 days after my 17th birthday. I truly feel that going through this causes kids to lose their ability to feel joy, optimism, and even makes it difficult to see very far into the future. Does this ring true to you?

Your lengthy sober time is amazing. Now you need to add happiness and release of guilt and old crappy feelings it sounds like. I am happy for you that you have a good partner. You can have a good life. Would you be open to some kind of therapy? I know you have tried anti depressants but do you have someone you can tell your emptiness too face to face? I'm almost 45 and still trying to get there.

Wastinglife

Have you tried to reconnect with your family since getting sober? Maybe you could send a letter and let them know how you turned your life around. Redemption is something every alcoholic strives for and you definitely seem deserving of it.

Twenties

I've dealt with this as well. Much of my life I was a great student, hard working, and everything 'seemed' to be going great. but I was searching for happiness, something to fill a void that didn't seem to disappear no matter how much I was achieving. I tried exercise to improve my appearance, making money, purchasing nice things for myself, partying, looking high and low for something to make me happy. Then I turned to very heavy drinking which made me spiral into hell, and masked my unhappiness at first, but ended up making me even more miserable. After periods of sobriety, I kept searching for happiness. I relapsed. Finally, I decided to seek professional help - therapy, spiritual counseling, and AA. I looked deep at myself and was helped with guidance from others. Sometimes it was work and not always easy but I gave it a good try, and things started falling into place. I'm still on antidepressants, which are beneficial to me personally, but something that varies and is a decision between yourself and a Doctor. Today I find myself at peace, and living a life I would have never imagined-living in the moment and not in fear of the past/future, helping and being kind to others, and living with purpose. I would certainly seek counseling, maybe recovery groups, work a program, etc. I couldn't do it by myself and thats ok.

characterflawed

Hi MsJax, Thank you for your reply and goodness yes I have felt like that for what seems like forever. The only time I felt sort of okay was when I was drinking, then at least the constant anxiety was numbed a little. I am very sorry to hear about your mum, your life really does change forever doesn't it.

I have also found that I have never been truly happy since, even when I have had "happy" times, there is still like a cloud over me. I have tried everything but therapy and I am going to make an appointment with a counsellour / therapist as trying to tough it out isn't working. It is helping such a lot just to open up a little. I hope that you're doing okay, I can certainly identify with how you feel.

characterflawed

Thank you all for your replies and guidance, I really do appreciate it.

To those who have asked, I did write to my family five years ago to express my sorrow and regret for hurting them and told them I lived with the shame, disgust and regret every day. I didn't go into detail in respect of my professional achievements, but I did tell them I had stopped drinking. They didn't respond and I haven't contacted them since.

I am very glad I found this forum, thank you to all.