courage2

i haven't been a good bunny. I'm drinking about 50% of days which is better than before but nothing to brag on. Mostly drinking days are controlled but i've had two days in the last week with 2-3 hour black-outs (not pass-outs), not typical for me. So tired of all of this. so distrustful of myself, i think the voice that tells me bad stuff knows me best. it tells me really sick things. anyone?

Xune

Would you like to stop drinking alcohol entirely?

courage2

Yes! yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes

Xune

You have to be willing to make some big changes in your life.

Have you tried a 12 step recovery program like AA?

I don't have any easy answers, as ultimately, the hard work and committment has to come from you. Sure, you can surround yourself with support and get as much help as possible, but it still comes down to you making a choice not to have that first drink ever again.

Happier

You are not defined nor controlled by the voices. The cold, hard truth is that you are in control. Your future, for better or worse, will be determined by each decision you make in the moment.
Although we are each ultimatley in control, most of us need help to work out our recovery. Most times, taking control means seeking help. There are lots of good options for that. Be brave in this moment and take this first important step to seek help.

courage2

i know i'm going there; it's the only choice for me other than death. i'm a mess about the way to getting there. I have people who are involved with me, and i don't know whether letting them down gradually is fair to them, or my self-excuse. I lie to myself all the time.

Zube

You don't want an easy answer...?

Okay, the square root of PI is 1.772453850905516027298167483314 approx.

Now, for a solution...

The bad news if you are probably alcoholic, but the good news is you are probably alcoholic...and there are a LOT of us who were in the same boat.

AA works for me. Step one is "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable". Does this sound like you?

There are about 2 million other people who would choose AA. Were the worlds largest organization that nobody ever really wanted to join.

And, even though we deal with a life and death situation of drinking on a daily basis, were actually quite a lot of fun.

Are you willing to do anything for your sobriety?

Zube

Dee74

I can give you a simple answer but not an easy one

It's really down to what you're prepared to do...a recovery programme? some have meetings some don't, some are 12 step/HP orientated, some are not...

I can give you links if you like

for others counselling and/or seeing their Dr helps...

for some rehab (inpateint or outpaient) is an option...

and for some...it's simply a case of knuckling down, of drawing a line in the sand and wanting to be sober more than wanting to drink....accepting there's going to be a little short term pain there and accepting that drinking is off the table as a viable option for us no matter what.

Cutting back was torture for me - I was still enslaved, but the obsession was crippling.
whats holding you back from complete abstinence Courage?

D

dedubya

Hey
I was told earlier today many good, helpful things for alcohol withdrawal here.My answer? If you dont stop sooner or later youre going to go down the road of hell. Period.Its sneaky, powerful, and will wait to get you. I think it sits there waiting for weakness. Idle time is a killer too. Ive been aound the block once or twice...
Best to you
Dub

freshstart57

That would be your Alcoholic Voice right there, Courage2. You can learn to recognize it when it starts up that yammer, and by doing this, it will settle down because you are asserting your brain over your addiction. Your addiction has no power of itself, it only has the power you choose to give it.

You can choose to quit, even though your Alcoholic Voice tells you otherwise. It's a nasty situation because all around you are well meaning people who tell you that you can't choose to quit, just like your AV. But you can, you really can.

If the fact that you are in charge of yourself, not your addiction, appeals to you, take a look at Rational Recovery and AVRT by using yer googler. It might be just what you need.

courage2

Thank you Dee, & I can tell you, that between the physical (which is not a big deal, I know I can deal with it) and the fact that there are people I love who are totally tied up with me with drinking, and the fact that my memory of my whole personality revolves around drugs & drinking...and the basic freaked-out deadly state-of-mind that i think i'm a lousy drunk to my bones--those are the things that are holding me back. the things that are holding me back are the inclination that maybe I want to kill myself with booze, why not? Do you have an answer to that, Dee?

Twenties

First thing first-have the desire and willingness to stop drinking. Seems like you've got that down...I would look at recovery programs. If you haven't been to an AA meeting, give it a try. I went into AA with a grew deal of self pity, guilt, and negative emotion...the steps and fellowship help with finding peace. If it isn't for you, look into other recovery options.

Dee74

well, I have *my* answer for that.

I was tied to people in my addiction too - and like you my drinking defined me.

Ultimately tho I nearly died - and lemme tell you actually facing dying is a LOT different than talking philosophically about it.

I had to change or die - so I changed...

and when I did I found that instead of the sense of loss I thought I'd find...I rediscovered a me I'd totally forgotten about...

I like who I am now and I love the life I've created...

Some of the changes were hard...some of the people I love didn't want to come with me on the journey...they're still doing their thing, I do mine and thats ok...

Lots of my friends and loved ones did support me tho, regardless of their own habits...& I think that's what true love and friendship is.

I made a lot more new friends in sobriety too.

I think most of us have to face that change or die crossroads sometime Courage...it's good to start thinking about it now,. I reckon.

It's a leap of faith, for sure...it's scary not knowing the outcome...but I didn't lose out on the deal and I regret nothing.

D

ru12

The simple answer to this is to just stop poisoning yourself with ethanol. There are lots of ways to make your life better after you stop drinking, but the first "step" is to just stop. Then try Rational Recovery, or SMART Recover, or AA, or just stubbornly refusing to drink. Life is so much better this side of sobriety.

courage2

thank you all. i think my primary problem is whether i want to die of this addiction, and this whole wonderful site is based on the answer "NO". But i'm still undecided, maybe "yes". if you're inclined to prayer, please include me.

Happier

I appreciate your honesty. It makes me sad though because I think it is the illness speaking. I remember having some pretty scary symptoms that made it hard for me to deny the damage I was doing to myself. I kept drinking though. It was like I knew the consequences and yet they didn't really have the influence over me that they should.

A couple of months into my sobriety, my thought had an entirely new focus and clarity. I was very surprised at how I had continued to drink even though I had apprarently or intellectually been aware of the consequences. When I was drinking it was like I was aware and yet not really and truly "there". More like an observer rather than the actual person in that situation. I hope that makes sense. It is hard to explain. They don't call it "under the influence" for nothing. It truly is a controlling and baffling thing.

Give yourself a chance at sobriety. I think you may be very surprised at how your clarity and thoughts change after removing the drink/drugs

Also, you are not alone with your thoughts. Keep reading on here and you'll see that many found themselves and the end of their ropes...quite literally in some cases. I am grateful that they took one last shot at getting well though. Some of those folks have helped me immensly. Maybe you have to have been in hell in order to grab the hand of another to help lift them out.

lilyrosemary

Hey courage! I will add you to my AM prayers. I will pray for a miracle in your life - thats what happened to me. God Bless ya and keep us posted!

courage2

Thank you all, especially Dee. I'm a mess but I'm trying to get better. There is one person who says he loves me, but he doesn't really know me without these achololic rituals we do together-- and it's so sad to leave him!

Zube

Hi Courage. About 6 months before I stopped drinking, somebody made the suggestion to ask God every morning to simply "grant me guidance and direction" as I go about my day. Oddly, it was once I began to do this that all of the signs of my alcoholism became crystal clear, and my resolve for recovery began.

Simply asking for guidance and direction was the beginning to my recovery.

Blessings,
Zube

Oh, and yes, you will be in my prayers. Lots of alcoholics are, everyday.

Delilah1

You have logged on today because some part of you really wants to change. I have attended a few AA and WFS meetings, but SR has been my main support system. I have been meeting with a cluster twice a month, and it is nice to have someone to share my stresses and thoughts with. Have you tried talking to your doctor or counselor. I will keep you in my prayers.