Repeating Thought: I Don't Know What to Do

Old 12-14-2012, 08:00 AM
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Repeating Thought: I Don't Know What to Do

I don't know how far back to go so I'll just start with last night. My boyfriend went to sleep at 10:30 PM last night. Not unusual for him, but as he lay down he started talking a little nonsense about a cartoon and then he was out like a light. He usually crashes hard, but even before he went to bed he seemed to get very sleepy out of nowhere so I was suspicious. I searched his knapsack, that I've come to despise because it represents everything that he hides from me, and I found an Aleve bottle that had regular Aleve tablets, but also three 2mg Alprazolam bars (green ones). I haven't confronted him because his "recovery" is barely a week old, but I took the pills and so far he hasn't seemed to notice. I don't know what to do.

We've been together for a year (I know him much longer) and in that year I've seen him wasted three times on Xanax/alcohol. I took a video of him and showed it to him the last time he did this in May and it seemed to have scared him. He says that's the last time he's taken them. Even if I did confront him about the Xanax I found last night, I know he will tell me that he's selling them. This is what happened last week when I found a bottle of pills that contained some Oxy, Percoset and I have no idea what else. He knows someone who can get pills so he is supposedly acting as the middle man for a few work friends. Apparently, I found those pills on the first day of that side business and it was only to be able to have a few extra dollars for Christmas.

Obviously, I freaked. He has been a habitual pot smoker for many, many years and he has a heavy drinking habit that he's been dishonest with me about. Every time he came home it was always, "oh big deal, I had two beers". He's since admitted that he was drinking a lot more than he told me. Since that big fight last week, he has cut out all weed and alcohol since last Wednesday. Everything seemed to be on track and then he went to his first meeting two days ago. He told me about some of it, but he said that he was too confused, too upset and decided to stay at his apartment that night to just sleep and end the day early. Turns out he didn't go to work the next day (lied to me about going in then coming home, but he actually just didn't go in) and I just have had a feeling that I'm not being told the truth about everything there is to know.

I feel like I'm all over the place in this post, but I'm confused and don't know what to do (there's that thought again). The worst thing is that I don't think I can't trust him, but I'm not exactly sure what's going on. If I ask him directly he will mightily deny taking those Xanax I found, but then why does he have them? Could he have a Xanax addiction that I've been blind to for all of this time? I don't know much about drugs. I was a daily pot smoker years ago, but I don't do anything anymore and don't even drink. We have a Christmas party to go to tonight and I'm trying to keep it together and not have another huge meltdown like I did last week (don't think I have it in me today as I'm really just sad). Should I just hold on to the Xanax and wait for him to ask me about them? I thought he was very serious about getting 100% straight and he seems to be doing that with regards to weed and alcohol, but if that's the case, why does he have these Xanax?

I think I need someone to help me get into his mind and understand his thinking/actions. I don't have any experience with addiction/substance abuse and just don't understand how he can hide so much from me, the one he repeatedly says he loves more than anything. How can he think we have a future together with so much deception going on?

Thanks to anyone listening.
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Old 12-14-2012, 08:15 AM
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Not an easy situation and I'm sorry you are having a hard time.

I think the question is, do YOU see a future with him?
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Old 12-14-2012, 08:16 AM
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I was here last night reading the stickies and I don't know how I missed this one: To newbies - why people respond the way they do

Well, I just read it now and sobbed at my desk for a few minutes, puffing up my face and eyes in the process. I'm going to look like a hot mess at this Christmas party tonight!

I guess there are some things I'm going to need to learn and accept.
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Old 12-14-2012, 08:20 AM
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Originally Posted by Thepatman View Post
Not an easy situation and I'm sorry you are having a hard time.

I think the question is, do YOU see a future with him?
Thank you.

I'm still open to it because I don't think I know everything yet. He's still new to this process and maybe he just needs some more time to fully commit. I guess a future with him will depend on how successful he is with being clean.

I do know that once I tell him that I found the Xanax he will get smarter about where he puts them so I won't be able to snoop around anymore (as if I want to deal with that in the first place!)
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Old 12-14-2012, 08:34 AM
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"How can he think we have a future together with so much deception going on?"

He is an addict, he is just doing what addicts do, he "thinks" that you will stay with him
as his lies are still working with you. Addicts lie, then they lie somemore, they ALL do it, and many continue to lie well after they are sober. It just becomes another habit.

Take some time to read cynical one's blogs which can be gotten to at the top of this page. There are blogs there than will be very helpful to you to better understand addiction. This disease is baffling and cunning and will adversely affect all it comes in contact with.

It is all about his actions, not his words...they mean nothing. He will say anything to hide his addiction, which as it stands today, is his first love.

Knowledge is power, learn all you can.
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Old 12-14-2012, 09:22 AM
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I believe there is also a sticky called 'what addicts do' at the top. This was a real eye opener for me, take a look at it.
Your boyfriend sounds eerily similiar to my RAH when he was still using. He is also an alcoholic but his drug of choice was always pot. Towards the end though, he started taking different pills here and there. I, like you, thought that this wasn't his preference anyway and when I found one in his pocket and he told me 'someone gave it to him and its the only one he has', I believed him. What I didn't really realize until later is that addicts will typically use whatever they can to get high. I've seen some folks on here even say they resorted to cooking wine or mouthwash! It took me a long time to understand this and to also realize the truth so I understand where you are coming from. Also, he will likely NOT ask you about the pills you took but instead just act like nothing has happened....
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Old 12-14-2012, 09:59 AM
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Take the drugs out of the picture. Are lying, deception, manipulation, suspicion, anger, and worry the components of an acceptable relationship for you? Because that's the relationship you are currently in.

Drug addiction is tremendously painful to experience everyday - not just for the addict, they get to numb their pain, but for us, the ones who love them. Now would be a good time to define what it is you want in a relationship, set some boundaries accordingly, and have a plan in place for if those boundaries are violated. Really focus on yourself and how you're feeling, and how you can start to make yourself feel better. It's very easy to lose yourself in the chaos of a loved one's addiction.

I'm sorry that you're going through this, but I'm glad you found us here. You are not alone, keep posting, it helps!
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Old 12-14-2012, 10:25 AM
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Originally Posted by Peacegirl View Post
I believe there is also a sticky called 'what addicts do' at the top. This was a real eye opener for me, take a look at it.
Your boyfriend sounds eerily similiar to my RAH when he was still using. He is also an alcoholic but his drug of choice was always pot. Towards the end though, he started taking different pills here and there. I, like you, thought that this wasn't his preference anyway and when I found one in his pocket and he told me 'someone gave it to him and its the only one he has', I believed him. What I didn't really realize until later is that addicts will typically use whatever they can to get high. I've seen some folks on here even say they resorted to cooking wine or mouthwash! It took me a long time to understand this and to also realize the truth so I understand where you are coming from. Also, he will likely NOT ask you about the pills you took but instead just act like nothing has happened....
I found your response fascinating. I never thought for a moment that he wouldn't ask me about the missing Xanax, but you're right. That is a very distinct possibility. Here I am thinking that we're going to have this conversation once he realizes they're gone, but that might never happen.

What you said about an addict using anything to get high really rings true, as well. When I found the Xanax it made sense for a moment because as soon as he kissed me hello when he walked though the door I could tell if he'd been drinking/smoking. I'd never be able to do that with a pill. And if he stuck to taking them before bed, I'd have less of a chance to bust him because he could just say he was tired because he gets up so early (I hear that a lot). The thing is, I have learned to tell the differences in his speech and behaviors and I caught something before he went to sleep last night. Lucky me.

Last night I read the sticky called "What Addicts Do" and it was one of the posts that had the tears streaming. Those first person admissions really get to me. I just can't believe he's doing these things to me.

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me. I am sure you all have heard stories like mine (and so much worse) a million times.
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Old 12-14-2012, 10:36 AM
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Originally Posted by interrupted View Post
Take the drugs out of the picture. Are lying, deception, manipulation, suspicion, anger, and worry the components of an acceptable relationship for you? Because that's the relationship you are currently in.

Drug addiction is tremendously painful to experience everyday - not just for the addict, they get to numb their pain, but for us, the ones who love them. Now would be a good time to define what it is you want in a relationship, set some boundaries accordingly, and have a plan in place for if those boundaries are violated. Really focus on yourself and how you're feeling, and how you can start to make yourself feel better. It's very easy to lose yourself in the chaos of a loved one's addiction.

I'm sorry that you're going through this, but I'm glad you found us here. You are not alone, keep posting, it helps!
I have to admit that I have already taken a step towards protecting myself. We had been planning to move into his apartment next week. It would have been a great money saver for me, but after I found the bottle of pills last week that he said he was selling, I knew I couldn't move in with him. I signed a lease this week for my own apartment and am moving next week.

I'm honestly very worried about the move because now that we'll be living in separate apartments (he's living with me now, but has kept his apartment) I won't be able to keep a close eye on him. I suppose there's really nothing I can do, though.

The first line of your post is a tough one. I know it's all true, but how do you help someone you love without abandoning them? Do we have to break up and change the relationship into solely a friendship for me to be able to help him?
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Old 12-14-2012, 10:41 AM
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Originally Posted by dollydo View Post
It is all about his actions, not his words...they mean nothing. He will say anything to hide his addiction, which as it stands today, is his first love.
Another tough pill. All true, I know it is.

All the more hurtful to process because of how he calls me the love of his life.

He's going to be here in a couple of hours to get ready for this Christmas party. I'm going to need to pull myself together.
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Old 12-14-2012, 11:16 AM
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I just opened a kitchen cabinet and saw the Metamucil he recently started taking. He's always seemed to have bathroom issues and said that that Metamucil has really helped. When I saw it today though, I got a jolt of realization and wondered if Xanax causes constipation. I looked it up and it is on the list of side effects. Maybe I am just crazy today and am making too many connections that really don't have any relation to the problem.
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Old 12-14-2012, 11:23 AM
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Originally Posted by CowgrlInTheSand View Post
The first line of your post is a tough one. I know it's all true, but how do you help someone you love without abandoning them? Do we have to break up and change the relationship into solely a friendship for me to be able to help him?
The sad reality is that there isn't really anything you can do to help him get clean. The best course of action is to work the recovery program that you wish he would work. My sister (along with other family members) is a heroin addict. I can't help her get clean; no amount of love, talking, crying, anger, or sympathy will get her clean. It's ALL on her. She has to do that. I can only change myself and my response to her behavior. So what I am doing is working diligently on a program to help me come to terms with my own codependency, which allows me to interact with her in a manner that is more healthy for both of us.

That way, when (if) she decides to really throw herself into recovery, I'll be a strong, healthy individual. Being surrounded by healthy, autonomous, happily sober individuals will improve her chances of success far more than all of the times I tried to save her combined. Because obviously those attempts failed miserably: for now she is choosing to use.
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Old 12-14-2012, 11:49 AM
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Cowgirl--funny you mention the 'bathroom' thing. When my RAH sought recovery he told me that he primarily did this because he wasn't feeling right healthwise. He told me his stomach had been a wreck for the last year and although he did not go into it, I could see over the past several months that any over the counter stuff I had for stomach issues ended up totally gone. I have small kids so I knew they wouldn't take this stuff themselves and of course I knew I didn't use it all that much. Still don't know if it was the alcohol or the pot or what that caused all the problems but he did tell me recently that this all resolved within a couple weeks of quiting.
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Old 12-14-2012, 01:31 PM
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Originally Posted by CowgrlInTheSand View Post
I just opened a kitchen cabinet and saw the Metamucil he recently started taking. He's always seemed to have bathroom issues and said that that Metamucil has really helped. When I saw it today though, I got a jolt of realization and wondered if Xanax causes constipation. I looked it up and it is on the list of side effects. Maybe I am just crazy today and am making too many connections that really don't have any relation to the problem.
When my son got his DUI, he had to get drug tested (urine). He had trouble giving a urine sample--another side effect of being a drug user.
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Old 12-14-2012, 01:38 PM
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You mentioned twice about your boyfriend selling drugs. If it were true that he was "only" selling drugs, not using them, would you be okay with that? Is that the kind of life partner you desire and can trust? One that helps other individuals ruin their lives? Drugs that are abused as the drugs we are all talking about here on this site are straight from the depths of hell. They not only ruin lives, they kill.

You can't make your boyfriend see the truth. He has to see it for himself. We who love the addicts in our lives far too often make it easy for them to avoid the truth by covering up for them and giving them a soft place to fall.

I'm glad you have decided to get your own apartment. Smart move.
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Old 12-14-2012, 01:54 PM
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I'm glad you found the stickies at the top of the page. That has been very helpful to me. There is also a lot of great information under Cynical One's blog.

What I've learned from SR (and books) is that it won't do you any good to search through his stuff and confront him with pills/drugs. He won't stop drugs until he is ready to stop. No amount of begging, pleading, lecturing, etc., will help.
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Old 12-15-2012, 08:17 AM
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Originally Posted by CowgrlInTheSand View Post
I have to admit that I have already taken a step towards protecting myself. We had been planning to move into his apartment next week. It would have been a great money saver for me, but after I found the bottle of pills last week that he said he was selling, I knew I couldn't move in with him. I signed a lease this week for my own apartment and am moving next week.

I'm honestly very worried about the move because now that we'll be living in separate apartments (he's living with me now, but has kept his apartment) I won't be able to keep a close eye on him. I suppose there's really nothing I can do, though.

The first line of your post is a tough one. I know it's all true, but how do you help someone you love without abandoning them? Do we have to break up and change the relationship into solely a friendship for me to be able to help him?
You are smart not to move in with him. That was a lesson I learned in my experience with my EXABF. You need to start caring for yourself. Ultimately, your ABF is going to do what he wants to, and being removed from that situation is actually a HUGE RELIEF. I understand wanting to keep a close eye on him, but you are not his keeper. When people REALLY want to do something, they find a way to do it no matter what.

Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone you love is "abandon" them. People have to find their own way, and most addicts have to hit rock bottom before they decide to make a change. I don't know your relationship, so I can't tell you how involved you should be with him, but I can tell you that the only way you can be a good GF or Friend to anyone is to fully love yourself. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in trying to help the addict, that we lose track of ourselves. Take some time for yourself and remember who you are and what makes you happy.

Keep your head up!

~MLH
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Old 12-15-2012, 08:30 AM
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Originally Posted by CowgrlInTheSand View Post
I'm honestly very worried about the move because now that we'll be living in separate apartments (he's living with me now, but has kept his apartment) I won't be able to keep a close eye on him. I suppose there's really nothing I can do, though.

There *is* something you can do: let go of his illness and work on yourself.

When I first heard advice like that, I rejected it as cold and heartless. I wondered how anyone could claim that they cared for an addicted loved one while allowing that person to continue down a path of self-destruction. I acted as if I was the all-knowing one who should be guiding others down a "better" path. This is called "hubris" and it blinds us, binds us, and obligates us to live in a perpetual state of suffering.

You'll see it said here on SR in a thousand different posts: you cannot change another person, and maintaining a desire to change another is only corrosive and debilitating. It will eat at your heart, your soul, your relationships (both intimate and "public") AND at the loved one that you're trying to "save."

It's not a question of loving enough, or giving enough, or sacrificing enough – the issue, for you, is how far you will go before your boyfriend's illness consumes you entirely, or better stated, before you find yourself made so ill by the symbiotic process of consuming (your boyfriend consuming you and you consuming your boyfriend's illness) that you end up emotionally and spiritually paralyzed.



OK, so I just said some strong stuff. When I first heard similar things directed at me, I outright denied that I was obsessed, denied that I was a part of the problem (for MY illness, not for his), denied that my relationship with my partner was so twisted. But, over time, I couldn't deny it any longer – basically everything that folks with similar experiences said to me about my clearly unhappy state of being was spot on. I began to untwist, and I began to see results.

This "hubris" thing is nothing new: it's at the core of most ancient Greek tragedies. As a species/culture, we've been living with it for thousands of years, if not forever. When you take your boyfriend's pills without him knowing, you are playing into a very old, destructive game. I'm not speaking to you from some higher ground – I did the same. Once, I tracked my partner to a public park and encountered him consuming a substance. I grabbed it out of his hands and he attacked me, leaped on top of me and tried to strangle me, while a group of 8 or so other addicts calmly watched.

Those of us who try to take the lives of others into our own hands are courting disaster. You have made a VERY smart move in deciding to lease your own apartment – I urge you to keep listening to the internal voice that told you to do that. This has nothing to do with love – what you feel for your boyfriend and what he may feel for you are not at all related to what his illness is making him do. Protect yourself and work on yourself – if you two are "meant" to be together, that will be revealed over time. Put yourself first and let him discover what it is that he's looking for.
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Old 12-15-2012, 09:49 PM
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First, let me thank everyone who has continued to share their experiences with me. You all have been extremely helpful.

On Friday at the Christmas party he could tell I had something on my mind so I finally told him that I had his Xanax. His first response was, what Xanax? (out of all the responses I'd envisioned, I wasn't prepared for that one) He said that he didn't even know he had any and I was so disgusted by this answer that I just dropped the subject (plus we were at a party). After he had some time to think about it he said that he knew where I'd found it, but maintained that he forgot he had it. Okay, fine.

My BF is a drummer and also had a show this same night. I originally had no intention of going because the travel plans were not ideal (involved taking a train back at midnight), but it was the first show he's played since being straight and as you can imagine, there are many, many triggers at a rock show in a bar. I asked him a couple of times if he wanted me to go and after a while he said that he was probably going to need my help tonight and so I went. He was very appreciative and thankful for my help and at one point said "I don't deserve you". He ultimately he played the show and drank diet coke on stage. I thought it was a good night, but it was still nagging me that I didn't really have answers about the Xanax.

Today, Saturday, he came home from work and was sullen. He sat on the couch watching TV and seemed bored. I asked him about it and he said that he was feeling anxious today and that his body is still adjusting to being clean. My thinking is that he wasn't enjoying watching TV without smoking a bowl. I think he's also having difficulty at his job because he works in a casual environment with all musicians and he mentioned that they were doing whip-its in the office today (weekends are mostly unsupervised and yes, this is a terrible environment for him). I feel sorry for him when I think about how hard this must be for him, but I digress.

I was annoyed with him for being depressed today because I've started to pack for my move and I could really use his help, but so far he's pretty disinterested in the whole thing. I asked him again what he was doing with the three Xanax and I got slightly more info. Apparently, he got five a few weeks ago, but doesn't remember where or when he took the two. He also doesn't remember where I was when he took them. I hate when he bullshits me like this. I also told him that I'm angry with him for all of the times he told me that he didn't have any money yet he was spending almost $200 a week on weed. Meanwhile, I'm buying groceries, cat food and sometimes paying to go out to eat. God, I sound like such a sucker!!! I explained to him was Nar-anon was and he thinks that since he's seeking help from a group then maybe I should too.

I guess that's my question for tonight. Do I need to go to meetings for myself? I know I'm not dealing with someone who has a severe addiction, but it's strong enough that he's having trouble being straight and it's caused him to deceive me. I cannot get him to tell me the full extent of his lies and I really want to know. Am I expecting too much from him at this point? I sort of feel like I am.
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Old 12-15-2012, 10:16 PM
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Originally Posted by MiSoberbio View Post
It's not a question of loving enough, or giving enough, or sacrificing enough – the issue, for you, is how far you will go before your boyfriend's illness consumes you entirely, or better stated, before you find yourself made so ill by the symbiotic process of consuming (your boyfriend consuming you and you consuming your boyfriend's illness) that you end up emotionally and spiritually paralyzed.
Your post was filled several thought provoking statements, but this is the one that's nagging me the most. The other night I tearfully told him that he drains a lot of energy from me. I know that this is terrible in a relationship, but he said it's just the way things are now.

Tonight, on top of everything, I told him that I feel like I'm getting sick. When he went to bed, he hugged me and said that he didn't want to kiss me because he didn't want to get sick. I feel like I do A LOT for this person and I can't get a lousy kiss goodnight because I'm fighting off a cold? It's very possible that this might have more to do with him generally acting like a jerk rather than being an addict.

I will miss living in my current apartment, but I am moving to an area that is closer to my cousin and my godson. He's only 2.5 years old and I want to be a big part of his life as he grows up. This is very important to me and I see it as the most positive aspect of this move. Just being around them more give me some distance from his problems, but unfortunately, I do suspect that this distance will create a whole new set of problems with him.

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