Anyone ever been "outed" as having a problem/in AA/in treatment?
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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Anyone ever been "outed" as having a problem/in AA/in treatment?
Hello lovelies,
My bf told some people I'm in AA without asking me if it was ok to do so. Has this happened to you? If so how did you react?
For the record I am a private person, something he does know, and I have only told precious few people myself.
What do you think?
My bf told some people I'm in AA without asking me if it was ok to do so. Has this happened to you? If so how did you react?
For the record I am a private person, something he does know, and I have only told precious few people myself.
What do you think?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Indiana
Posts: 706
Yeah, he probably shouldn't tell people, but that's a tough one...maybe he's proud of you and wants to share with others about your recovery.
It never really bothered me when people (normie's) would "out" me for being in A.A. Don't get me wrong, I don't really want to see it as a headline in the Chicago Tribune, but I have had other alcoholics ask me about the program after finding out that I was in it, from somebody other than me.
Zube
It never really bothered me when people (normie's) would "out" me for being in A.A. Don't get me wrong, I don't really want to see it as a headline in the Chicago Tribune, but I have had other alcoholics ask me about the program after finding out that I was in it, from somebody other than me.
Zube
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: tn
Posts: 101
he shouldnt have done that to you. the way i look at it personally is that i dont care who knows. if they dont like the fact that im in recovery then thats their problem. i worked hard to get where i am and for that im proud. also if they have a problem with that then i dont need them in my life. because like it or not thats who i am. your pal in recovery...wes...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
i would rather have people know im sittin in a chair in an AA meeting than drunk off my ass fallin off a barstool. however, it is nobody elses responsibity to tell people i am in AA. motives, its all about the motives.
Trudger of Happy Destiny
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Naperville, IL
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Well, this has also happened to me firsthand. I would LOVE to allow and give permission to myself to be angry about this. But, I got myself into this situation in the first place. The only person I really have to blame when I think about it is myself. If it weren't for MY actions and poor decisions, I wouldn't be in the whole situation to begin with.
Also, as tomsteve pointed out, I would rather have people know this than thinking I am still drunk out there. Chances are (as good as we thought we were), more people knew about our drinking or drugging than not.
Also, as tomsteve pointed out, I would rather have people know this than thinking I am still drunk out there. Chances are (as good as we thought we were), more people knew about our drinking or drugging than not.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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Thank you for your replies
E888: my text to him "I'm upset and wish you wouldn't tell anyone." I also did ask him why, asking what part of alcoholics *anonymous* he did not understand. I do not appreciate that I didn't have a say in how my story is told. There were plenty of other options for him: say that I quit drinking for the holidays, going to grief groups (I lost my mother earlier this year after arduous years of being her caregiver), seeking help, etc.
What was perhaps more disturbing was his reaction to my text. I brought the big book with me one time to his place but left it in the car and asked him if he'd be interested in reading it sometime. He said yes so I brought it in and lent it to him. I said that if there was anything to be learned from the big book is that the alcoholic that picks up again will die. He replies that it was not his responsibility to read any of the literature, that the only big book he is required to read is the Holy Bible. He said he didn't think it was a big deal to tell others and felt he had license to do so because I told him. He said he won't apologize.
E888: my text to him "I'm upset and wish you wouldn't tell anyone." I also did ask him why, asking what part of alcoholics *anonymous* he did not understand. I do not appreciate that I didn't have a say in how my story is told. There were plenty of other options for him: say that I quit drinking for the holidays, going to grief groups (I lost my mother earlier this year after arduous years of being her caregiver), seeking help, etc.
What was perhaps more disturbing was his reaction to my text. I brought the big book with me one time to his place but left it in the car and asked him if he'd be interested in reading it sometime. He said yes so I brought it in and lent it to him. I said that if there was anything to be learned from the big book is that the alcoholic that picks up again will die. He replies that it was not his responsibility to read any of the literature, that the only big book he is required to read is the Holy Bible. He said he didn't think it was a big deal to tell others and felt he had license to do so because I told him. He said he won't apologize.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Hfx., NS, Canada
Posts: 85
I don't think he should have "outed" you without your permission. That said, I think maybe he's proud of you, and wants to help, and telling people was (hopefully) his way of showing/doing that.
But THAT said, you shouldn't feel that you deserve to be outed, or anything else. EVERYONE makes mistakes and deals with them, and most of us make big ones from time to time. That doesn't make us bad people - it makes us human. I'm sure he wouldn't want you outing him on some of his private things.
Anyway ... maybe give him the benefit of the doubt and gently ask him to not discuss "you" right now with anyone.
That's how I feel about my recovery. I told certain people in the beginning that I now wish I didn't tell (mostly because they're always asking about it).
Edit: Didn't see your post above. Personally, I think he does have a responsibility, as your partner, to support you in reasonable ways ... Maybe if he doesn't want to read through the Big Book, he might be interested in discussing some of the things in it, or about your meeting. As for him not thinking it was a big deal - who is he to say what a big deal is to you, or anyone. We all have our own big deals ... I can't be in the same room as a flying bug. My ex used to tell me I was being stupid. But it was a big deal to me. Not very comparable, I know. Sorry, it was the first thing that came to mind ..
... Hope it all works out.
But THAT said, you shouldn't feel that you deserve to be outed, or anything else. EVERYONE makes mistakes and deals with them, and most of us make big ones from time to time. That doesn't make us bad people - it makes us human. I'm sure he wouldn't want you outing him on some of his private things.
Anyway ... maybe give him the benefit of the doubt and gently ask him to not discuss "you" right now with anyone.
That's how I feel about my recovery. I told certain people in the beginning that I now wish I didn't tell (mostly because they're always asking about it).
Edit: Didn't see your post above. Personally, I think he does have a responsibility, as your partner, to support you in reasonable ways ... Maybe if he doesn't want to read through the Big Book, he might be interested in discussing some of the things in it, or about your meeting. As for him not thinking it was a big deal - who is he to say what a big deal is to you, or anyone. We all have our own big deals ... I can't be in the same room as a flying bug. My ex used to tell me I was being stupid. But it was a big deal to me. Not very comparable, I know. Sorry, it was the first thing that came to mind ..
... Hope it all works out.
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Originally Posted by Wesley423 
he shouldnt have done that to you. the way i look at it personally is that i dont care who knows. if they dont like the fact that im in recovery then thats their problem. i worked hard to get where i am and for that im proud. also if they have a problem with that then i dont need them in my life. because like it or not thats who i am. your pal in recovery...wes...
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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Originally Posted by tomsteve
i would rather have people know im sittin in a chair in an AA meeting than drunk off my ass fallin off a barstool. however, it is nobody elses responsibity to tell people i am in AA. motives, its all about the motives.
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Originally Posted by Fernaceman
Well, this has also happened to me firsthand. I would LOVE to allow and give permission to myself to be angry about this. But, I got myself into this situation in the first place. The only person I really have to blame when I think about it is myself. If it weren't for MY actions and poor decisions, I wouldn't be in the whole situation to begin with.
Also, as tomsteve pointed out, I would rather have people know this than thinking I am still drunk out there. Chances are (as good as we thought we were), more people knew about our drinking or drugging than not.
Also, as tomsteve pointed out, I would rather have people know this than thinking I am still drunk out there. Chances are (as good as we thought we were), more people knew about our drinking or drugging than not.
And true, people knew or at least suspected I was drinking. On the same token I haven't sent out bizzaro texts or had behaved weirdly in a while either ; )
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Join Date: Aug 2003
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I agree that it's my fault that I'm an alcoholic and my job to recover. I believe it's up to me to share or not share the information with others. I would be furious if my husband told other people.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 484
I've been "outed" many times. It really doesn't bother me. It's not like my drug and alcohol abuse was a big secret. And if someone has a problem with me going to meetings, well it's *their* problem. I wouldn't worry too much about it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
That happens to me now and then... courtesy of my brother... he is AA for 26 years... He is not shy about it regarding himself, and by extension... well you can guess... I told him that he shouldn't include me in his discussions re: AA to "civilians"...
He respected that.
You BF should do the same.
Problem is, non AA's don't "get it" ... and, well, therefore non AA's should really NOT talk about your participation with other non-AA's. Sometimes we need to educate them.
He respected that.
You BF should do the same.
Problem is, non AA's don't "get it" ... and, well, therefore non AA's should really NOT talk about your participation with other non-AA's. Sometimes we need to educate them.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 226
That's fine if he's proud of me, I know he's glad I quit. So am I
Reading your replies and typing out my thoughts has helped immensely.
I think this is an interesting moral question: what right does another person have to share your recovery with a third, fourth or fifth party?
Reading your replies and typing out my thoughts has helped immensely.
I think this is an interesting moral question: what right does another person have to share your recovery with a third, fourth or fifth party?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: tn
Posts: 101
Sounds like ur guy may have some ego issues. If i outed someone and they felt as u, i would be sick about it. I would at least tell you i'm sorry. The problem in this situation may be with him and not you. I'm sure he's proud of u but boy he has a funny way of showing it. Your pal in recovery...wes...
Night owl
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
I agree that it is your choice who you talk to and what you tell them. Anonymous means anonymous, there is a deep level of respect in that and your boyfriend is not getting it. Maybe he could go to a meeting with you and that would help him understand better.
I am very careful who I talk to about my addiction and recovery. I feel that it is my life and my story and it is not up to anyone else to define who I am or what I do. I offer the same level of respect and confidentiality to my friends as well.
I am very careful who I talk to about my addiction and recovery. I feel that it is my life and my story and it is not up to anyone else to define who I am or what I do. I offer the same level of respect and confidentiality to my friends as well.
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