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Keeping my head above water

Old 12-13-2012, 07:32 PM
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Post Keeping my head above water

This is my first time posting on here however I have been reading posts for quite a while. My husband is an addict and I have some serious co-dependence issues. About 7 months ago I found my husband OD and had to do mouth to mouth while waiting on the ambulance. I thought that would have been the worst case senario. Little did I know then that it was just the beginning. I knew there had been a problem in the past but did a great job with denial. The OD was the quickest way out of denial for me.
My husband starting an intensive outpatient program, I went weekly to family night, alanon, and individual therapy. I listened to everything that was said and took it all in. During this time I can now see how my husband was just going through the emotions. He was not active in his recovery except to do the minimum. He relapsed at the end of the IOP for about 48 hours. He really only stopped because I found out and told his therapist. He continued with the program, going to meetings, etc.. and was sober again for about 80 days.
Then I had to have a major surgery and he choose that time to steal some of my pills; which were locked up. At this point the therapist wanted him to go to a half-way house so that he could see all he had to lose. I was not a fan of the idea because I could barly function at the time and needed him home to help with the kids, house, and cleaning. Ironically, through all of his addiction he has been there physically for me and the kids, helped out, never missed anything important, but I know he has not been there emotionally for me for a long time. I have tried to make excuses in my head like he is just not that kind of person, or who really wants a husband who is always all over them. HELLO!!! That is what we all want! We want to feel special and loved yet I have somehow come to accept much less for myself.
I would never want either of my children to live this life yet I cannot walk away and am scared to death of being alone. I did however tell my husband that if he relapsed again he was out of the house. I don't think he really believed me because I had said it before but I knew that this time I meant it. I did not know if that meant divorce but I knew that it meant something had to seriously change for me.
Well, guess what?? He relapsed again last week. I knew something was going on and I think I had for about 3 weeks but was not ready to admit it yet. Then one morning I just knew and had enough. I found the pills he had stolen from my dad and told him he had to leave. I did not care where he went but he was NOT staying in our house anymore. He was in shock. The question is was it shock from getting busted, me kicking him out, scared of where to go, etc... It did not matter to me I had finally had enough. It was the hardest decision I have ever had to make. Knowing that I would be alone to do it all with my kids but I realized I would rather do it alone than with someone that wants to put drugs above me and our wonderful kids.
He choose to go to rehab, though I am not sure he had much of a choice He has been there a little over a week now. He is due to get back at the first of year which means the holidays are going to be very difficult. We are talking nightly but I am so angry all the time. I know and understand it is a disease but that does not make the anger go away. I have decided that when he gets back he needs to go to a local recovery center here that he can live at for about 3 months. He will be able to work (thank god he still has his job and will have it when he returns) and see us at times. But I need to know that he is serious about being sober. I am not sure if you really ever know it but I also need to know that I can do this on my own if need be.
I am attending alanon and therapy. I have an amazing support system of friends and immediate family. His family is not speaking to me but they have never been around in the past so it is not much of a difference.
Anyone that has advice on the anger I would love to hear. How do I talk to him and not be mean? Will it go away?
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Old 12-13-2012, 07:45 PM
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I think alanon couldn't hurt to try. Maybe to share with other people and ask what has worked with them when dealing with the anger and sadness. Best to you!
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Old 12-13-2012, 08:03 PM
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My wife was 3 months preggers with our 2nd when she made it clear enough to me that I had to go to rehab or lose the family. So she had the hormone fairy on top of all that very justifiable anger!! It was not pleasant for either of us. Her anger faded quicker than the wives of some of my rehab buddies probably b/c she saw me doing things differently: going to meetings, not lying, being present vs. weaselly & shifty, etc. When an addict is going to mtgs every day & taking them seriously, they can't help but change pretty quickly. The program does not allow our old ways of living.

The crazy part of this story & the reason I really wanted to answer you is that was over 9 yrs ago, and my wife just came out of rehab 6 months ago. So the tables are completely turned. We have very different memories of how angry she was nearly a decade ago!! I was really angry whey I sent her away, but I think I am able to let my anger fade easier b/c it looks like she's doing the right thing.

You KNOW what your husband looks like in junkie mode. If he starts looking/acting differently, take heart in that. It means he is changing. It's gonna take a while, so take comfort in the baby steps. And by all means, stay with Alanon. You were affected by his addiction & should not be angry or sad that you need support to get through this.

best to you,
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Old 12-13-2012, 09:16 PM
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Thank you for your words of support!! I went to alanon in the past and started going again last week.

The crazy thing is the last time he relapsed he was going to a meeting every night. I have asked him so many times how he was taking pills and going to meetings at the same time. He says he felt guilty every night. It makes me realize he was not working the program instead he was just going through the emotions.

You are right that I know the signs and I need to take heart in the fact that he is trying. I want to so bad and I can most of the day. But then when he calls at night I immediatly get pissed. I know I am not being fair to his recovery and maybe I am trying to save myself the heartache if it happens again by not believing in him in the first place. I tried tonight to explain to him why I am angry and that I don't want to be I just don't know how not to be. He seems to understand or at least want to.

To top everything off he stole all of the pills from my dad who needs them. This was not the first time but the third. We are very close to my parents and now they are so pissed at him and I can't blame them. It bothers me that my family may never be the same again and then I feel I have to stand up for him when they are being mean (which they have every right becuase I am being mean) and that in turn pisses me off at my husband.

Damn ADDICTION!!!!! I am going to write a letter to it and tell it what I think of it!
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Old 12-13-2012, 11:06 PM
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These words I am about to type came from my daughter a recovering heroin addict..

Please don't ever trust me 100%.. Please don't ever enable me again.. Please trust that I am trying to live the right way,

She's been clean 27 months and I still pray everynight for God to protect her. I feel for u. Addiction is pure EVIL it hurts everyone around them.. <3
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Old 12-13-2012, 11:12 PM
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You sound emotionally exhausted. You need to think of ureself especially after major surgery!

You have to let him go... you will survive. There is lots of support. *fairy dust*
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