Is my wife an alcoholic?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 4
Is my wife an alcoholic?
I have searched and searched because I think she is but I have had no experience with this and hope to get some enlightenment.
Drink of choice is Bud Light (cans), she drinks daily, occasionally one day she will not drink any if she had a bit too much the night before. I would say Monday thru Thursday, she will have 3-5 beers nightly, and on occasion, like last night, she will have 6-8 maybe more. On Friday and Saturday nights, she will usually have 6-8 and occassionally have 10 or more.
I have noticed that I cannot have a discussion about a relationship problem because she will turn it into a joke, or something that I am saying is "wrong with her.." Her personality changes after a few also. She is a 1st grade teacher, then comes home to our 5, 7, and 10 year old, and always says she drinks to reduce stress. She also smokes a pack a day.
I just need confirmation before I can proceed with what I need to do.
Drink of choice is Bud Light (cans), she drinks daily, occasionally one day she will not drink any if she had a bit too much the night before. I would say Monday thru Thursday, she will have 3-5 beers nightly, and on occasion, like last night, she will have 6-8 maybe more. On Friday and Saturday nights, she will usually have 6-8 and occassionally have 10 or more.
I have noticed that I cannot have a discussion about a relationship problem because she will turn it into a joke, or something that I am saying is "wrong with her.." Her personality changes after a few also. She is a 1st grade teacher, then comes home to our 5, 7, and 10 year old, and always says she drinks to reduce stress. She also smokes a pack a day.
I just need confirmation before I can proceed with what I need to do.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
My experience is if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck....its a duck.
So if you think she is an alcoholic or that her drinking is a problem....then its a problem.
What you are describing does indeed sound like she is and you will only be able to confront her sober. Not drinking even then it has to be her choice
So if you think she is an alcoholic or that her drinking is a problem....then its a problem.
What you are describing does indeed sound like she is and you will only be able to confront her sober. Not drinking even then it has to be her choice
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Hello,
I don't know if you're wife is alcoholic physically dependent, but she sure is abusing alcohol for the emotional effects since she drinks daily.
I would suggest that you don't talk to her about anything serious while she is under the influence. When she is high she will get angry, deflect, and simply not care very much about important issues between you. It took me a long time (DOH!) to understand that there is no point in talking about serious issues to someone who is intoxicated. Keep the conversation to things like "where is the remote" and that's about it. I wouldn't even discuss plans for the next day because an intoxicated person will often forget them.
She's well on her way to being alcoholic because she drinks daily. Even if she does well at her job, she is sacrificing having real relationships with her husband and kids in the evenings and weekends if she is intoxicated.
Although you may not be able to clinically label her alcoholic at this point, does it really matter? She uses alcohol daily and is not emotionally nor rationally present in her relationship with you.
That's all you need to know, that there's definitely a problem. The next question for yourself is, what will you do about it?
I don't know if you're wife is alcoholic physically dependent, but she sure is abusing alcohol for the emotional effects since she drinks daily.
I would suggest that you don't talk to her about anything serious while she is under the influence. When she is high she will get angry, deflect, and simply not care very much about important issues between you. It took me a long time (DOH!) to understand that there is no point in talking about serious issues to someone who is intoxicated. Keep the conversation to things like "where is the remote" and that's about it. I wouldn't even discuss plans for the next day because an intoxicated person will often forget them.
She's well on her way to being alcoholic because she drinks daily. Even if she does well at her job, she is sacrificing having real relationships with her husband and kids in the evenings and weekends if she is intoxicated.
Although you may not be able to clinically label her alcoholic at this point, does it really matter? She uses alcohol daily and is not emotionally nor rationally present in her relationship with you.
That's all you need to know, that there's definitely a problem. The next question for yourself is, what will you do about it?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Des Moines IA
Posts: 377
I am curious about your statement that if people who don't know your wife were to confirm her as alcoholic based on your description of the amounts and frequency she drinks you can then proceed with what you need to do.
What is that?
What is that?
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by hamabi 
I am curious about your statement that if people who don't know your wife were to confirm her as alcoholic based on your description of the amounts and frequency she drinks you can then proceed with what you need to do.
What is that?
What is that?
Welcome, C10. None of us can say for sure is she or isn't she, but the fact that her drinking is causing trouble for you is a red flag that there is a problem here.
Unfortunately, there isn't much you can say if she refuses to listen or gets defensive (which is normal behavior for addictions, by the way). My concern, if I were you, would be the care of the kids. Drinking that much means she is incapacitated in case of an emergency. What if someone gets hurt or very sick in the middle of the night and need to go to the ER? Drinking as much as she is, as a woman to boot, means she becomes incapable of dealing with the kids at night. That's scary.
Keep reading, and keep coming back,
~T
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
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Originally Posted by hamabi
I am curious about your statement that if people who don't know your wife were to confirm her as alcoholic based on your description of the amounts and frequency she drinks you can then proceed with what you need to do.
What is that?
What is that?
I have mentioned it casually in a joking maner that she drinks a lot, and yes she got defensive and stated that it was something I wanted to "change" about her or something that was "wrong" with her.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Des Moines IA
Posts: 377
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl
This poster would like some validation on what he already suspects, from people who have been down this road many times over.
I felt that first asking what his planned actions are could be important. You may find after enough times down this road caution is sometimes indicated.
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Originally Posted by hamabi
Obviously. We don't know if the already planned actions after someone confirms his question for him are abusive or might endanger her well-being.
I felt that first asking what his planned actions are could be important. You may find after enough times down this road caution is sometimes indicated.
I felt that first asking what his planned actions are could be important. You may find after enough times down this road caution is sometimes indicated.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
That is the right move, c10, for you, even if you don't get the desired outcome. You need to have tried for your own well being.
I would have that conversation fully expecting her to fight for her right to drink. If she can be pulled back from the brink by discussions at all, it might take a series of them.
And then there's whatever else is going on with her. You might suggest individual counseling.
If she tries to moderate and fails, you can suggest AA also.
I would have that conversation fully expecting her to fight for her right to drink. If she can be pulled back from the brink by discussions at all, it might take a series of them.
And then there's whatever else is going on with her. You might suggest individual counseling.
If she tries to moderate and fails, you can suggest AA also.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
A good resource is Hazeldon (Hazelden -- Addiction Treatment Center) as well as reading about alcoholism in books like Under the Influence, and be sure to check out the alcoholism and newcomers to recovery forums here.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by hamabi
Obviously. We don't know if the already planned actions after someone confirms his question for him are abusive or might endanger her well-being.
I felt that first asking what his planned actions are could be important. You may find after enough times down this road caution is sometimes indicated.
I felt that first asking what his planned actions are could be important. You may find after enough times down this road caution is sometimes indicated.
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