Rehab for AS -round 2
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 83
Rehab for AS -round 2
We took our 23 y/o son back to rehab last night. He was last there in Spring, 2012, for almost a month. Refused SLE back then. I think he worked the program about 3 months then relapsed. He lives on his own, so it wasn't immediately apparent, but I've had my suspicions for several months. He finally admitted to it, said he was going to get off everything himself. After 3 weeks of those lies, I finally told him not to come over, call me, etc until he was ready for rehab and 1 year minimum SLE. So he did agree, and off we went.
I know his promise for SLE isn't enforceable, but hubby and I felt a need to establish a minimum requirement for us to be supportive of another recovery effort. He says this is the lowest point he's ever been. Claims he now knows how important SLE is as part of foundation to recovery.
Seems like he fell so much deeper/further this time, but I wonder if I was just still more naive the first time. This time, he was living on his own - it was sickening to see how he had become like a hoarder with trash, cat messes, obvious lack of care of personal hygiene, etc. and we learned yesterday that he had quit his full time job over a month ago to pursue lucrative field of selling.
When he was admitted, rehab of course gave me his cell phone to keep. Why did I have to look thru it? What made me search for more pain in that phone than I was already feeling? All I found were reasons to doubt anything he ever said. Today I'm wondering- is the sky really blue, the grass green? I feel like I've lost the ability to distinguish right from wrong, truth from lie.
I do see counselor weekly, have been to a few Nar Anon meetings - wanna go to more, but have to rearrange my schedule to make the times.
So today I face the issue of what to do with his cat (still at his apt). We left food, water and litter box. He is safe for today, but becomes my problem now. AS did notify landlord of his leaving for rehab, but couldn't get anybody to. Take his cat. Didn't try very hard though. I just wanted to get on the road to rehab last night, so we left without any resolution. Ugh.
I just wanna crawl under the covers.
I know his promise for SLE isn't enforceable, but hubby and I felt a need to establish a minimum requirement for us to be supportive of another recovery effort. He says this is the lowest point he's ever been. Claims he now knows how important SLE is as part of foundation to recovery.
Seems like he fell so much deeper/further this time, but I wonder if I was just still more naive the first time. This time, he was living on his own - it was sickening to see how he had become like a hoarder with trash, cat messes, obvious lack of care of personal hygiene, etc. and we learned yesterday that he had quit his full time job over a month ago to pursue lucrative field of selling.
When he was admitted, rehab of course gave me his cell phone to keep. Why did I have to look thru it? What made me search for more pain in that phone than I was already feeling? All I found were reasons to doubt anything he ever said. Today I'm wondering- is the sky really blue, the grass green? I feel like I've lost the ability to distinguish right from wrong, truth from lie.
I do see counselor weekly, have been to a few Nar Anon meetings - wanna go to more, but have to rearrange my schedule to make the times.
So today I face the issue of what to do with his cat (still at his apt). We left food, water and litter box. He is safe for today, but becomes my problem now. AS did notify landlord of his leaving for rehab, but couldn't get anybody to. Take his cat. Didn't try very hard though. I just wanted to get on the road to rehab last night, so we left without any resolution. Ugh.
I just wanna crawl under the covers.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. It is so hard on a mother's heart. My son is currently in rehab round five (if you count the two intensive outpatient). And yes, each time he got out, he relapsed and went to a new low that I just couldn't understand. This time he's in a long term rehab (six months to a year) through the Salvation Army. I have no idea if he'll stay the whole time. It's not within my control. I just pray and turn him over to God every morning.
I don't know what I'd do or how I would have managed to keep my sanity without going to Nar-Anon (and Al-anon) meetings and reading that literature daily (and SR of course). It has brought more clarity and acceptance. I am working the program I wish he would....and it helped me.
You and your dear son will be in my prayers.
gentle hugs from another mother
ke
I don't know what I'd do or how I would have managed to keep my sanity without going to Nar-Anon (and Al-anon) meetings and reading that literature daily (and SR of course). It has brought more clarity and acceptance. I am working the program I wish he would....and it helped me.
You and your dear son will be in my prayers.
gentle hugs from another mother
ke
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 83
Thank you, KE, for your words. I do feel like I've learned so much from SR, even to the point that I'm often "telling" my hubby what "SR says!" I also felt there's much to be gained from Nar Anon meetings. Unfortunately, my hubby isn't one to go to online forums or meetings, so I don't go often enough. I realize I should go and do on my own, but its easy to fall into just passing on the meeting and finally relaxing w hubby if that evening is otherwise free.
But I'm committed to making my own recovery more important this time. I simply have to find that place inside where I can truly hand it over to God. I'm just not there, yet.
I guess I may have earned my first badge by going thru this a second time - it wasn't as painful for me because I had no doubt he needed it. The first time, I was still in la la land, kinda hoping things weren't as bad as I was seeing.
One of the things that brings me comfort is knowing how this army of moms (and dads) can relate. Horrible as it is, there is strength in numbers.
At rehab admission last night, I commented to my son how nice it must be for those who are recovering (employees if rehab) to be so happy, altho acknowledging it isnt always easy, close knit and supportive. How could anyone NOT want to be a part of that, instead of the stinky, downcast, hooded sweatshirt group that he was hanging with. Seems obvious!
But I'm committed to making my own recovery more important this time. I simply have to find that place inside where I can truly hand it over to God. I'm just not there, yet.
I guess I may have earned my first badge by going thru this a second time - it wasn't as painful for me because I had no doubt he needed it. The first time, I was still in la la land, kinda hoping things weren't as bad as I was seeing.
One of the things that brings me comfort is knowing how this army of moms (and dads) can relate. Horrible as it is, there is strength in numbers.
At rehab admission last night, I commented to my son how nice it must be for those who are recovering (employees if rehab) to be so happy, altho acknowledging it isnt always easy, close knit and supportive. How could anyone NOT want to be a part of that, instead of the stinky, downcast, hooded sweatshirt group that he was hanging with. Seems obvious!
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I am so sorry DJ. I know how heart wrenching addiction of a loved one can be.
I was happy to read he was willing to go back to rehab. That's a positive. Sometimes recovery isn't the straight road we wish it was. He is young, still learning, and is still trying. There is hope and plenty to be grateful about in this situation. Try to find it for your own sanity.
(((DJ)))
I was happy to read he was willing to go back to rehab. That's a positive. Sometimes recovery isn't the straight road we wish it was. He is young, still learning, and is still trying. There is hope and plenty to be grateful about in this situation. Try to find it for your own sanity.
(((DJ)))
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
This post touched my heart.
When I went to rehab, I left behind my beloved terrier Bridget with then AH. When my parents went over to get some clothing for my daughter, they found Bridget wandering around outside and emaciated.
They took her in, had her vetted including spayed, and got her healthy.
What an incredible gift when I was discharged! That little dog was with me through the worst of times pre-rehab, and best of times post-rehab. When my youngest daughter was born, she would sleep under the crib.
I lost my Bridget on November 7, 1997 at the age of 14. She was the start to my incredible journey in recovery with many four-legged kids. She will always be my heart dog.
When I went to rehab, I left behind my beloved terrier Bridget with then AH. When my parents went over to get some clothing for my daughter, they found Bridget wandering around outside and emaciated.
They took her in, had her vetted including spayed, and got her healthy.
What an incredible gift when I was discharged! That little dog was with me through the worst of times pre-rehab, and best of times post-rehab. When my youngest daughter was born, she would sleep under the crib.
I lost my Bridget on November 7, 1997 at the age of 14. She was the start to my incredible journey in recovery with many four-legged kids. She will always be my heart dog.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I understand how easy it is not to go to meetings. It's the same with the addict. They begin to think that they don't need it anymore.....they can do it on their own and BAM, they use once and it's downward spiral time.
For me, meetings have become a way of life. If I'm not able to go, I miss it and feel a void in my week. I have changed SO much as a result of those meetings that my husband is VERY supportive of my attendance. He trades one evening (or two) without me for five or six nights of having a fully engaged, loving wife who isn't obsessing over the addict. My attitudes, behaviors, and actions have changed so dramatically that I'm like a new, improved wife to him. Not a perfect wife but certainly very different than the way I used to be. He makes the connection and supports my attendance. Gosh I love that man.
I began my own recovery during my son's first stint in an in patient rehab six years ago. The rehab had a wonderful family program. And it was recovering addicts and alcoholics who helped me begin to peel back the layers of my own behaviors, thought processes and actions to see how unhealthy I was. If it wasn't for those wonderful people......I could very well be dead by now. They literally saved my life.
SR also played an important role in my recovery. I will be forever grateful to those who gently led me to my own self discovery.
As far as getting to the point of handing it over to God......that took me years......and I sometimes still grab hold of the steering wheel. I'm sure glad that the God of my understanding has a sense of humor and lots of patience. I'm a tough nut to crack. lol
gentle hugs
ke
For me, meetings have become a way of life. If I'm not able to go, I miss it and feel a void in my week. I have changed SO much as a result of those meetings that my husband is VERY supportive of my attendance. He trades one evening (or two) without me for five or six nights of having a fully engaged, loving wife who isn't obsessing over the addict. My attitudes, behaviors, and actions have changed so dramatically that I'm like a new, improved wife to him. Not a perfect wife but certainly very different than the way I used to be. He makes the connection and supports my attendance. Gosh I love that man.
I began my own recovery during my son's first stint in an in patient rehab six years ago. The rehab had a wonderful family program. And it was recovering addicts and alcoholics who helped me begin to peel back the layers of my own behaviors, thought processes and actions to see how unhealthy I was. If it wasn't for those wonderful people......I could very well be dead by now. They literally saved my life.
SR also played an important role in my recovery. I will be forever grateful to those who gently led me to my own self discovery.
As far as getting to the point of handing it over to God......that took me years......and I sometimes still grab hold of the steering wheel. I'm sure glad that the God of my understanding has a sense of humor and lots of patience. I'm a tough nut to crack. lol
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
(((Hugs))) be sure to take care of yourself I will be praying I do hope you can make some meetings soon you don't have to be at that place of handing it to God before you go I know for me that took awhile and I still slide back at times.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Dear DJ, I just wanted to send my support and prayers for YOUR peace of mind. I think it is very good that your son admitted he needed rehab. They say it takes at least 7 tries for an addict to truly "get" recovery. My son is telling me his absolute commitment is one year (6 months in patient and 6 months SLE) when he gets out of jail. I am preparing for that day by watching my behavior and "swooping" tendencies and focusing on the times I get to spend with him now (1 hour per week visiting) to get to know him again. Amazing how much I didn't see the change in him when he relapsed (hopeful thinking and denial).
Hugs,
Teresa
Hugs,
Teresa
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 349
Dear DJ, I know the pain you are feeling, as I have been down the same road with my 23 yr old. At first, he did outpatient rehab but obviously was not ready to stop using. It was almost a year ago we took our son to rehab where he stayed for 2 months, came home and relapsed within a couple of weeks. He went back to rehab a month later and stayed for a month. The difference this time was that when he came out he went to live in a SLE. There, he has found the support and encouragement to work a program and to embrace recovery. It's been about 8 months now and I pray every day he will continue on this path. As someone else mentioned in their reply, sometimes it takes several attempts to get on the path. You and your son will be in my prayers. I hope you will take this time that your son is in rehab and work on taking care of yourself.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 267
Hopefully he has realized that he can't go on living the way he did- hopefully this stint in rehab will be the beginning of a life in recovery. It won't be easy for him, or for you.
What I have found in ALAnon is a safety net for me-- I have found several women who are always there for me- to support me AND to point out when I am falling off my program. We text, talk on the phone, and have lunch one a week after our meeting. My husband has never been to an ALAnon meeting..this is something I do for ME.
What I have found in ALAnon is a safety net for me-- I have found several women who are always there for me- to support me AND to point out when I am falling off my program. We text, talk on the phone, and have lunch one a week after our meeting. My husband has never been to an ALAnon meeting..this is something I do for ME.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 267
I've never been to NarAnon. The closest group is 45 minutes away. AlAnon is closer and my "home" group has a large number of parents of addicts. I also go to a specifically designated AlAnon "parents" meeting.
Maybe someone who has been to both could comment on any differences...but since the focus of both groups is on the codependent (i.e....US), it shouldn't really matter what the substance is.
My son, btw, attends AA meetings, and considers himself an alcoholic and an addict. He says if he picks up a drink he'll wind up going down a path that will wind up with a needle again.
Maybe someone who has been to both could comment on any differences...but since the focus of both groups is on the codependent (i.e....US), it shouldn't really matter what the substance is.
My son, btw, attends AA meetings, and considers himself an alcoholic and an addict. He says if he picks up a drink he'll wind up going down a path that will wind up with a needle again.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
I'm sorry for the pain you are dealing with watching your son go down this path.
Now that he is in rehab and he is not in the immediate danger he was in while living alone actively using, please take this time to take care of yourself and work on your own recovery.
As for the cat, well that is up to you. If you are able to take in the cat, then take in the cat. If you don't want to watch over a cat, then maybe give it to a shelter to be put up for adoption. The cat is not your responsibility, but as a huge animal lover I would at least get it to a shelter if I couldn't or did not want to take it in.
Now that he is in rehab and he is not in the immediate danger he was in while living alone actively using, please take this time to take care of yourself and work on your own recovery.
As for the cat, well that is up to you. If you are able to take in the cat, then take in the cat. If you don't want to watch over a cat, then maybe give it to a shelter to be put up for adoption. The cat is not your responsibility, but as a huge animal lover I would at least get it to a shelter if I couldn't or did not want to take it in.
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