phoebe64

A weird trigger for me is my connections here, and then, that they disappear. You suspect or pretty much know they fell off the wagon. Or not, and they have moved on, or are busy, or maybe something happened to them, god forbid.

I feel very accountable to the connections I make here. It is what helps keep me going, since I have nobody who complains about my drinking in real life.

So, it makes me want to drink. Like, nobody will know because nobody cares anymore. The human support is essential, I think. Maybe I should try to find meetings.

I emailed the "women for sobriety group" and they never sent me info. Went to the website, filled out the contact info, and shared real info(name and contact). it hurts to not get a response when I took that leap to reach out for real-life help.

Xune

I'm amazed at all the new accounts that appear, people who appear to be in utter despair, post once, log off and then never return.

I guess it's the nature of the illness.

For me, I don't rely on other people to keep me from drinking.

I make my own choices and it's nice knowing that there is support at SR if I ever need it.

phoebe64

I am still sober, so, I do not *rely* on them, but for me, support is helpful. Understanding, camaraderie. But loneliness was a "reason" for my drinking. So it is an issue that needs addressing on its own, in sobriety. I get that.

I do stay sober for me, for my health.

Anyway, it does not change that this issue is a trigger for me. While I will resist it, it is there.

See, for some of us, it is less the party, the after work thing, the social pressure, and more of a quiet, isolated thing. The pressures are internal. Nobody but me and my doctors really care if I drink.

MIRecovery

I was at a meeting last night and one of my friends and I were talking about this very subject. This is cold but I have to do this to maintain my own sobriety. I just do not spend emotional capital on people new in recovery. I have had my heart broken one too many times. It is only when people prove to me that they are serious about recovery long term that I start to let them in to my heart. I always do everything I can for them but I can not afford to become emotionally envolved.

One thing you are wrong about is that I personally care if you stay sober. Anyone that makes it is a gift to the world and strengthens my sobriety

Dee74

I know it's rough - you make friends, make connections with people...
It took me a long time to get used to people disappearing, but it's a fact of life here.

It's not always a relapse either - many people simply move back to their lives.
For the a lot of folks SR is a stopping point...they come, they heal and they move on.


Grief and loss, fear and uncertainty can all be things that make us want to drink - but if the community here taught me anything it's that we can choose a different response

My advice is try and not get caught up on what (or who's) not here.
What is here is pretty amazing

There *are* wonderful stories of recovery here
I'd encourage everyone to read around in the Stories of Recovery forum.

and don't forget - a lot of people return too

D

Xune

You've given me much to think about today.

This is a very small thing, but yesterday I was made to feel a little bit stupid.

A SR member posted about how badly she wants to quit drugging and drinking.

I told her a little bit about my story, gave her some encouragement, and basically, tried to help her via the written word.

Another SR member later and correctly pointed out that the OP has been singing the same tune for four years...with apparently zero progress. In fact, the OP makes one post, disspears for months / years and then returns to post anew...the same thing.

I don't know what the point of my writing all this is, but I just felt annoyed or like I had my time wasted responding to someone who apparently doesn't want help.

I'm brand new around here, but I know I don't want to have my time, advice and emotional support wasted.

Kevah

I did And still sober. Just with a different login because I forgot my old one. lol

I don't have any close friendships here, but I do in my group. I try to communicate with those who have left and if I don't hear back, that's ok. It's sad, but we are all on our own path. I was one who left 2 years ago, because I wasn't ready. I didn't hear from anyone back then. I don't think I would have gone back to the rooms just because I got a text, though, you know? I wasn't ready in 2011. I still had drinks that needed to be drunk that would take me to a place that I was willing to accept and seek. I needed every drink I ever took. It is good to see that you care, though. That you have a heart for other sufferers.

phoebe64

Thanks Dee and MIR.

Dee, I do know that some do move on for good reasons. That is awesome. or they are still on the right path for them, and maybe this was not what they needed, etc...

I do think this is a small symptom of my greater issue with being lonely. One of the things I need to do to work on me in the recovery process. I have always been shy and wait for others to approach me. So, perhaps, I am viewed as unfriendly or aloof by others who do not know me well.

When I think of my close friends(whom are so busy these days so I hardly see them), each and every one approached me, starting up the friendship.

I need to be proactive. But that is hard for a 48 year old introvert! My life revolves around my kids and leaves me little adult interaction besides the casual chit chat at school.

I think I need to volunteer at a grown up place after the holidays. Or get a part time job if I can. Sobriety brings these scary leaps to the forefront. It is damn scary to think about going back to work after almost 14 years.

Xune

Rochele, ideas for meeting people;

volunteering, social clubs, civic clubs, hobby clubs, recreational activity clubs, sports, book clubs, running clubs, walking clubs, part time jobs, community associations, PTA, executive committee volunteering organizations etc...

Dee74

I wouldn't worry about that one more minute.

Every time someone bumps a thread from 2003 or 2005 or 2009, it's testmament to the fact that these threads keep on helping and giving.

Then there's the folks who come back months or years down the track because of something someone said to them here, and they found it to be true.

No words are ever wasted

And don't be too hard on those you think don't get it - they're not deliberately setting out to annoy you or waste your time...

Sometimes it's just not about you - or me

like I said in another thread - my job is to share my experience - what people do with that isn't up to me

D

phoebe64

Xune, if you have a good story, you need a file and you can cut and paste it, lol. Or blog it and link it for people.

I guess I was also one of those who disappeared and came back, Dee .

Anyway, this was not about whether they are right or wrong to leave. Everyone has to make their own journey. I am cool with that. Really about dealing with the trigger.

This is an internal thing for me. My issue with connecting, and rejection, and all that. and it does not mean i have been rejected. I am not a victim. It is all in my head.

Am I making sense? Anyway, this is something I need to address in my real life. Getting involved in something I can love and make connections to real people through that.

The internet makes it easy for introverts to hide out and think they have a social life, lol.

Xune

Thank you Dee....

Growing pains, I think.

MIRecovery

There is nothing wrong with reaching out your hand to a cronic relapser but there is a section in the BB called working with others. One thing that is said is basically, "Save the ones that want to be saved and let the others go until they want to be saved."

As Dee says, there are no words wasted, tell your story and hopefully it will make a differance.

phoebe64

Yes. I do a few of these things, actually. But I don't reach out. I go, do my thing, am social, and nice, but do not connect. And I do think it is me. I am reserved. I am not the one to suggest going for coffee with a new acquaintance. I wait for someone to ask me. I have to do more than show up. This is going to be a new goal for me.

I could entertain, but it would require that I serve wine. Any friends we do have would expect that at a social gathering. I need more sober time before I can do that.

Actually, there it is right there. I am hibernating to avoid drinking. So, I am not initiating anything social with friends. asking a friend for coffee is a new thing. it would generally be, "let's go grab a glass of wine." Or a dinner party with alcohol, etc...

I need to seek out ways to make sober friends.

I think I need to take the leap and join the swanky fitness place nearby. I exercise alone at home. This would get me out, with people, with healthy goals. I say the swanky club, because it is more social than other fitness clubs where folks go and leave in as little time as possible.

My hubby will complain about the price! Tough sh!t. It will give me a place to go while he has his beer.

paul99

Absolutely. Same thing goes on in the meetings too - someone shows up for a couple then never see them again. I can't get upset that I wasted talking to them before or after the meeting - even if they turn around and go and drink. We plant seeds. What we say or type out today may hit someone later on. I know that even in sobriety that happens to me.

And in sharing our experience, we get better ourselves. I never ever felt worse after sharing what has worked for me!

Xune

Who says you have to serve wine? ( No one.)

Perhaps you could consider hosting a brunch, lunch or afternoon activity that would not involve drinking.

Why not suggest you meet friends for a dinner at a restaurant. You could simply drink soda water.

phoebe64

Xune, what you posted for that one person on this forum could be read by hundreds. Nothing is a waste on such a public forum. Truly.

I raised this discussion after sending a PM to someone here. I figured, it could be useful for other readers. And I could get input and support where I was feeling the loss of some connections.

I decided to reach out, rather than sulk alone. And, I have come some solutions in the discussion. By responding to others, I have wound my way to seeing what I need to change within myself to try to make this better.

Of course, I still have to take the leap and do it. But it is good to make a plan. It is a step in the right direction to fulfilling my life with something other than wine.

phoebe64

Xune, all very good ideas. Even a brunch in my crowd would require wine or champagne mimosas. I have the problem, not them.

And clearly you are not an introvert!

Dinner out is a good idea. A ladies night with school connections. I do think about getting a walking club going. Need to try on that come spring. I get so bored with my route and doing it alone.

sugarbear1

women for sobriety didn't get back to me, either, neither did SMART. I stuck with AA, it's available!

Xune

I can relate. I have a sister in law / mother in law, that love champagne and orange juice in the morning.

I never understood the appeal. No one was getting drunk, so what's the point. Right? Ugh...the mind if of an addict.