first time... need compassion
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: California
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first time... need compassion
"... a few long-term relationships that weren't meant to be..." He wrote this on his OkCupid profile, and I STILL feel nauseous and light-headed after reading that.
I'm trying to remind myself of reality (that he's completely crazy and delusional), but his delusion is SO over-powering (his delusion of a perfect, happy life) that I end up forgetting reality and end up beating myself up for not being enough for him.
I feel crazy and have no one to talk to AT ALL about this because all anyone would say or point out is the fact that i'm still checking up on his crap. I already KNOW this part. That doesn't make me feel better.
Why is it that a part of me hates to think, and physically reacts to the fact, that HE thinks there's a girl out there that would've stuck by even more, that HE would have fought to keep around, that he WOULDN'T have let go? Why aren't I a love lost [for him]? why aren't i something valuable to be yearned for, thought of, and mourned for [when lost]? what's wrong with me???
The CRAZIEST thing is, i KNOW his reality outside of OkCupid
*that he's an alcoholic with a personality disorder
*that his therapist tried to convince him to go to rehab, and he didn't go... and is no longer seeing his therapist
*that he has a pattern, that's tried and true, of "trying to control his drinking"
*that he's on and needs to be on anti-depressants/anti-anxiety medicine
*that he's had sex with a prostitute
*that he's paid for happy ending massages
*that he's tried to commit suicide a couple times... and that he has the suicide hotline programmed into his phone
*that on top of OkCupid, he's also signed up on "date a cougar"
*that he has no real, true, lifelong, deep friendships
*LOTS of other things that people see as red flags.
AND YET, despite all this knowledge, when I read his OkCupid profile-->seeming like a smart, fun guy with a healthy sex pattern and no problems with intimacy... interested in having kids and starting a family... I get angry AT MYSELF (?!) for not being the one that was "enough" to start a family with. We both wanted that fantasy, so why wasn't i enough?!?!?!? I was ready and already working toward making that happen...
SO why am I just tossed as a "weren't meant to be" as if I even had a fair chance... as if... we gave it our all. when we broke up, he said he gave it his all... but how, if he never treated me or our relationship going into the future as his priority? i feel tossed away in his eyes and yet, for me, i still yearn for having lost him and mourn the lost of our potential still on a regular basis. do they mourn for us?!?! did they value us?!?!?
it stinks that even if he ever did get better... by some small miracle... that he'd most likely have nothing to do with me... since, i'd be tied to his time in life of turmoil and alcoholism and depression... that he'd have to cut ties with all of that... even if i was a healthy part for him during that time.
I toss around the feeling of pity for whatever girl falls for him on these dating websites... hopeful that women are smart and will figure out these red flags... and then a small voice in my head has a miniscule feeling of jealousy saying, "you should've been dumber and more fun (i.e. not figured out his red flags and just kept on having a relationship built on alcohol) then he'd have wanted to keep around"... then i beat myself up for even having that voice... going against empowerment (which is the anti-thesis of everything else im doing in life).
I'm trying to remind myself of reality (that he's completely crazy and delusional), but his delusion is SO over-powering (his delusion of a perfect, happy life) that I end up forgetting reality and end up beating myself up for not being enough for him.
I feel crazy and have no one to talk to AT ALL about this because all anyone would say or point out is the fact that i'm still checking up on his crap. I already KNOW this part. That doesn't make me feel better.
Why is it that a part of me hates to think, and physically reacts to the fact, that HE thinks there's a girl out there that would've stuck by even more, that HE would have fought to keep around, that he WOULDN'T have let go? Why aren't I a love lost [for him]? why aren't i something valuable to be yearned for, thought of, and mourned for [when lost]? what's wrong with me???
The CRAZIEST thing is, i KNOW his reality outside of OkCupid
*that he's an alcoholic with a personality disorder
*that his therapist tried to convince him to go to rehab, and he didn't go... and is no longer seeing his therapist
*that he has a pattern, that's tried and true, of "trying to control his drinking"
*that he's on and needs to be on anti-depressants/anti-anxiety medicine
*that he's had sex with a prostitute
*that he's paid for happy ending massages
*that he's tried to commit suicide a couple times... and that he has the suicide hotline programmed into his phone
*that on top of OkCupid, he's also signed up on "date a cougar"
*that he has no real, true, lifelong, deep friendships
*LOTS of other things that people see as red flags.
AND YET, despite all this knowledge, when I read his OkCupid profile-->seeming like a smart, fun guy with a healthy sex pattern and no problems with intimacy... interested in having kids and starting a family... I get angry AT MYSELF (?!) for not being the one that was "enough" to start a family with. We both wanted that fantasy, so why wasn't i enough?!?!?!? I was ready and already working toward making that happen...
SO why am I just tossed as a "weren't meant to be" as if I even had a fair chance... as if... we gave it our all. when we broke up, he said he gave it his all... but how, if he never treated me or our relationship going into the future as his priority? i feel tossed away in his eyes and yet, for me, i still yearn for having lost him and mourn the lost of our potential still on a regular basis. do they mourn for us?!?! did they value us?!?!?
it stinks that even if he ever did get better... by some small miracle... that he'd most likely have nothing to do with me... since, i'd be tied to his time in life of turmoil and alcoholism and depression... that he'd have to cut ties with all of that... even if i was a healthy part for him during that time.
I toss around the feeling of pity for whatever girl falls for him on these dating websites... hopeful that women are smart and will figure out these red flags... and then a small voice in my head has a miniscule feeling of jealousy saying, "you should've been dumber and more fun (i.e. not figured out his red flags and just kept on having a relationship built on alcohol) then he'd have wanted to keep around"... then i beat myself up for even having that voice... going against empowerment (which is the anti-thesis of everything else im doing in life).
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Yes completely understand the way you're feeling but you know what?
You deserve better.
He can't have a fullfilling relationship while in active alcoholism.
He doesn't know what he wants or how to be happy & can't be in a healthy relationship.
It sucks I know but the alcoholic is emotionally unavailable & will take victims to ease their sense of guilt or whatever it is that's going on in their world.
Try to go through your feelings for now, take one day at a time or even one hour at a time & ride it through.
We are all here for you, many sleeping at mo but more will come.
In a few weeks things will become clearer & you can begin your recovery.
So sorry for your hurt & everything you're going through.
Hugs.
You deserve better.
He can't have a fullfilling relationship while in active alcoholism.
He doesn't know what he wants or how to be happy & can't be in a healthy relationship.
It sucks I know but the alcoholic is emotionally unavailable & will take victims to ease their sense of guilt or whatever it is that's going on in their world.
Try to go through your feelings for now, take one day at a time or even one hour at a time & ride it through.
We are all here for you, many sleeping at mo but more will come.
In a few weeks things will become clearer & you can begin your recovery.
So sorry for your hurt & everything you're going through.
Hugs.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Why accept everything else he has put on his profile as misleading or blatantly untrue but then believe he is being honest with himself about his past relationships? This is just a story he is telling to draw someone in, and if you give it more weight than that this wound will never heal. Be gentle on yourself!
I am sorry you are hurting and that he treated you so poorly. You deserve a lot better.
I am sorry you are hurting and that he treated you so poorly. You deserve a lot better.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Dovetail, to attempt to answer your question of "Why" you are feeling this way---at the heart of it, the co-dependent contract is that if we love hard enough and long enough, then, we are quarenteed that the object of our love will return in kind (eventually) when we are in need of the same.
When we come face to face with the fact that we are expecting this from someone who is unwilling and unable to do this---it is absolutely devastating --it shakes us to our foundations. An active addict is unable to be there for someone else (in the true sense), because we are not their first priority in the first place.
So many of us know exactly how you are feeling/we know how deep this cuts.
As RosiePetal says, you are going to have to ride this out. This WILL pass, and you will be able to heal---Really.
Meanwhile, keep posting when you need to. We care and there is a wealth of experience here.
sincerely, dandylion
When we come face to face with the fact that we are expecting this from someone who is unwilling and unable to do this---it is absolutely devastating --it shakes us to our foundations. An active addict is unable to be there for someone else (in the true sense), because we are not their first priority in the first place.
So many of us know exactly how you are feeling/we know how deep this cuts.
As RosiePetal says, you are going to have to ride this out. This WILL pass, and you will be able to heal---Really.
Meanwhile, keep posting when you need to. We care and there is a wealth of experience here.
sincerely, dandylion
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
Sorry you are hurting but glad you are not still with him.
You described a suicidal alcoholic with a dual diagnosis who is not seeking help.
That first part is something we rescuers can live with, the second part just isn't.
...you can't logically take his words to heart if his perception of reality is warped by mental illness. I know hearts don't have much use for logic but try to step back and see that :-)
You described a suicidal alcoholic with a dual diagnosis who is not seeking help.
That first part is something we rescuers can live with, the second part just isn't.
...you can't logically take his words to heart if his perception of reality is warped by mental illness. I know hearts don't have much use for logic but try to step back and see that :-)
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Sounds like he was in a whole lot of denial....so then why feel guilty or bad because he is still in denial after the fact?
He was sick then and hes still sick now hence his fantasy world where red flags do not exist.
And any woman who gets with him will learn that as you have.
Did you matter? When it suited him yes but until he is well.....he will not see it past present or future.
Dust yourself off and know you tyere wasnt more you could have done not until he was ready to face the mirror and he isnt
He was sick then and hes still sick now hence his fantasy world where red flags do not exist.
And any woman who gets with him will learn that as you have.
Did you matter? When it suited him yes but until he is well.....he will not see it past present or future.
Dust yourself off and know you tyere wasnt more you could have done not until he was ready to face the mirror and he isnt
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Why is it that a part of me hates to think, and physically reacts to the fact, that HE thinks there's a girl out there that would've stuck by even more, that HE would have fought to keep around, that he WOULDN'T have let go? Why aren't I a love lost [for him]? why aren't i something valuable to be yearned for, thought of, and mourned for [when lost]? what's wrong with me???
When I look into the void and decide it was me that was lacking, I have to take a step back and meditate on my AH's denial and how powerful and alluring it is for him to believe he's fine, everyone else has a problem, and go on living his harmful, suicidal life. His denial has very little to do with me. It's about him and his illness. It's not about me and how beautiful or loving or worthwhile I am. It's just not. His alcoholism and my worth are two separate things entirely.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 37
OK. His issues are his own...and as hard as it is to believe, you can't do a damn thing to help him with those issues. It sounds like he's so involved in his addiction that he cannot possibly see you clearly...his addiction is currently his soulmate (my ex now refers to his addiction as his best friend and that he would get angry at me for wanting him to not be around his best friend, the one that had been with him through it all)...it's not logical. You cannot reason with an active alcoholic (believe me, we've ALL tried).
What always helped me was that one day he might seek treatment, start going through the steps and would come back to me to apologize for his actions during active addiction.
What you should concentrate on is that he is sick and you cannot make him well (only he can)...it has nothing to do with YOU.
What always helped me was that one day he might seek treatment, start going through the steps and would come back to me to apologize for his actions during active addiction.
What you should concentrate on is that he is sick and you cannot make him well (only he can)...it has nothing to do with YOU.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome, dovetail.
Florence hit the nail on the head as far as I am concerned. It is pure denial. And I am sure he believes it 100%. But it doesn't mean you have to - that's your choice.
The fantasy is so appealing - I know because I lived in mine for a handful of years. Yes, we mourn the loss of that, even knowing it wasn't real. But here's the catch for them - they don't mourn like we do because they are drinking. And the addiction allows them to not feel anything and continue living in denial.
The best thing you can do for yourself right now to help speed the grief process is to stop obsessing and accept reality. Look at the positives in this - you are now free to pursue a healthy relationship with a man who really does want a family with you. You are done with the chaos and drama that comes with addictions. He, on the other hand, will sink further down in his addiction, going through enabler after enabler and you know most will eventually tire of his drama too.
You dodged a bullet with this one. Someday it will feel like a blessing.
~T
Florence hit the nail on the head as far as I am concerned. It is pure denial. And I am sure he believes it 100%. But it doesn't mean you have to - that's your choice.
The fantasy is so appealing - I know because I lived in mine for a handful of years. Yes, we mourn the loss of that, even knowing it wasn't real. But here's the catch for them - they don't mourn like we do because they are drinking. And the addiction allows them to not feel anything and continue living in denial.
The best thing you can do for yourself right now to help speed the grief process is to stop obsessing and accept reality. Look at the positives in this - you are now free to pursue a healthy relationship with a man who really does want a family with you. You are done with the chaos and drama that comes with addictions. He, on the other hand, will sink further down in his addiction, going through enabler after enabler and you know most will eventually tire of his drama too.
You dodged a bullet with this one. Someday it will feel like a blessing.
~T
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Well, of course on his on-line dating profile he tries to make himself look good, if he told the truth would anyone date him? lol...
I know how you feel... my axbf was an obnoxious, controlling narcissistic freak with some major anger issues. And after I broke up with him, he said he was leaving me due to "my problems" and he was looking for more out of a relationship.. and that I should have done a better job of supporting his dreams (not when he was at the bar all day, forget it) and his friends (they were all enabling drunks).
Even when you know what they are saying is a bunch of B.S. the sh*t can still really hurt. Leaves you doubting yourself, that's what they want. That way they get to dodge any responsibility for the relationship being a total mess. They get to live their lives in the bubble of complete denial.
Just try to forget him - he was not the one for you. I know how difficult it is, I have spent the last few months with the same exact questions and even needed a psychotherapist to sort myself out.
I know how you feel... my axbf was an obnoxious, controlling narcissistic freak with some major anger issues. And after I broke up with him, he said he was leaving me due to "my problems" and he was looking for more out of a relationship.. and that I should have done a better job of supporting his dreams (not when he was at the bar all day, forget it) and his friends (they were all enabling drunks).
Even when you know what they are saying is a bunch of B.S. the sh*t can still really hurt. Leaves you doubting yourself, that's what they want. That way they get to dodge any responsibility for the relationship being a total mess. They get to live their lives in the bubble of complete denial.
Just try to forget him - he was not the one for you. I know how difficult it is, I have spent the last few months with the same exact questions and even needed a psychotherapist to sort myself out.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: California
Posts: 2
Thank you so much to all that responded. This forum is great--it makes me feel like I'm not alone facing this... and maybe, i'm not crazy, at least not in any completely self-destructive way where im living in a delusion.
1) yes, you guys are right. why would he put "been in a few long term relationships that i messed up on because im in complete denial of my alcoholism and depression..." of course not! now, the scary part is--the fact that i know so many people online dating (and me wanting to try it)... and realizing that people like him (who's online persona is about 10% truthful) will also be on there.
2) for the most part, yes i do feel like i dodged a bullet... and that he doesn't deserve me. at least not the way that he is right now. i need someone living in reality. when i really think about it, i was SO miserable in the relationship that i started having anxiety and started feeling crazy (since [my] reality kept being dismissed) and i remember driving around MANY times thinking/almost wishing for a car accident to end it all for me... just because i didn't know how else my current situation would end.
3) i read a fortune from a fortune cookie today that said "listen to what you know, and not what you fear". i feel like this is exactly what i'd been doing. listening to my fears. my birthday is coming up, and im getting up there in age... and i fear that i won't get to start the family (springing from true love) that i've been wanting. my biological clock is ticking louder and louder. i fear, that because he's a good looking, smart guy from a good family... he could just "turn on a switch" and decide to have a family and it'd actually happen... whereas for me, since im a girl--it's harder to find that guy.
thank u all that responded. i really appreciate your compassion.
1) yes, you guys are right. why would he put "been in a few long term relationships that i messed up on because im in complete denial of my alcoholism and depression..." of course not! now, the scary part is--the fact that i know so many people online dating (and me wanting to try it)... and realizing that people like him (who's online persona is about 10% truthful) will also be on there.
2) for the most part, yes i do feel like i dodged a bullet... and that he doesn't deserve me. at least not the way that he is right now. i need someone living in reality. when i really think about it, i was SO miserable in the relationship that i started having anxiety and started feeling crazy (since [my] reality kept being dismissed) and i remember driving around MANY times thinking/almost wishing for a car accident to end it all for me... just because i didn't know how else my current situation would end.
3) i read a fortune from a fortune cookie today that said "listen to what you know, and not what you fear". i feel like this is exactly what i'd been doing. listening to my fears. my birthday is coming up, and im getting up there in age... and i fear that i won't get to start the family (springing from true love) that i've been wanting. my biological clock is ticking louder and louder. i fear, that because he's a good looking, smart guy from a good family... he could just "turn on a switch" and decide to have a family and it'd actually happen... whereas for me, since im a girl--it's harder to find that guy.
thank u all that responded. i really appreciate your compassion.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I hope we see you around here often as you work through this. It's easy to lose hope and feel defeated, but a lot of us have started over from less and come out the other side. I think you will too, and with someone who deserves you. Best of luck!
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