GWH

Hi there, everyone.

I have browsed the forums for a long time, but I just overwhelmingly felt the need to join tonight (today?...it IS 3am).

Im an alcoholic. And I know it. My family has a history of addictive personalities...cigarettes, booze, illicit drugs. Whatever. Not an excuse, just bit of background.

Anyway, I started drinking heavily as a teenager (im 32 going on 33 now). I made a fake ID that the local store accepted and I was off to the races. Even had a booze-related nickname given to me by the store owner. Sigh.

I have drank pretty heavily since then. Mostly binging 2-4 nights a week, hanging out with the usual misfits who shared my addiction, etc.

I have to mention here that I have a beautiful wife and an amazing 6 year old boy.

I got to 300 lbs at one point, with high blood pressure, acid reflux, the works. I always found something to blame it on other than the beer I loved so much. I got on a health kick a couple years ago when my wife demanded I cut ties with my best drinking buddy, and I dropped 70 lbs. I gt off blood pressure meds, slept better and went to bed early, exercised, the works. I never really thought to factor in the point that I replaced booze with health, and that not drinking was the biggest reason for my progress. eventually I started drinking a 6er after my workouts at night. Then a 6er and a 22 oz. You see where this is going.

About a year ago I went off to a grad program and had to move away from my family during the weekdays. It hit me pretty hard, and the stress of school at my age coupled with not being with them was too much for me to handle. I started drinking pretty heavily. 10 to 12 beers, alone, every other night. Then i would go home to my wife and act like I worked so hard I deserved to have a few on the weekend nights, as well.

I am back home now, but i havent slowed down. I have been playing all of the same old tricks and telling myself the same old "I am going to take a week off" lines...but it hasn't stopped me.

the last few weeks I have been reaching out more. I told my wife I think I have a drinking problem, but I am still hiding bottles and not letting on how bad it is. I am so ashamed of putting our future together in jeopardy. She has never been anything but wonderful to me, and she doesnt deserve it. I get crushingly depressed when I think about my beautiful boy. I am TERRIFIED that I will die before he is grown.

I am committed to stopping. But I have been committed to stopping a dozen times over the past few months. My anxiety is reaching hypochondria-like proportions, too. for the last few weeks I have noticed a dull ache behind my right rib cage...and Im belching incessantly. Now my right back is achy. I have gained weight back and my blood pressure is way up there again. I saw a doc for some bp meds and she ran a kidney screen and it came back normal awhile ago, but I am convinced this ache is my liver giving out.

I am terrified. It's 3am and I cant sleep...I think about my boy and I want to collapse. I am going nuts. Im checking my eyes for yellowing...the whole crazy shot.

I am spending so much time worrying about the horrible damage that I am convincing myself I have done to my liver/body in general that I am almost crippled by it. I would see a doc, but I dont have medical insurance.

I don't know guys/gals. I don't know what Im looking for from the forums here, but I know I feel HORRIBLE to the core right now and I need to stop killing myself for my son's sake. I have to realize that I am more addicted to my family than I am the toxins in booze.

Thanks for reading this.

newhope01

I have to admit I may not have much room to offer advice about maintaining sobriety as I am currently only one day sober myself. But, I know how you feel and how terrible it is to be up late at night feeling terrified and depressed. However, I have seen many people overcome their addictions and enter recovery. You too can do this. I think coming here was a good first step because you will find a lot of support here. Also, perhaps give AA a shot? AA has saved many lives, it can do the same for you too.

BruceJ

Please consider checking out AA. You'll find it much less frightening than the anticipatory anxiety of going.

All the best.

least

Welcome to SR! :ghug3 Whatever method you use to stop drinking, give it your all as your life depends on it. I got sober with the help of my counselor and this site. Read and post as you like, you'll find lots of support and good advice here.

GWH

Thank you for your replies. I am worrying myself sick, convinced that this gassy pressure in my right side is my liver. I keep convincing myself that my eyes are yellowing, even if they aren't. Do any of you have experience with this kind of neurosis? Is this horrible dread normal? I know abstinence will heal what ails me, but I'm going through a really tough stretch tonight.

Dee74

Welcome GWH

Stopping is scary and not always easy - but you'll find a lot of support and understanding here

Support really made a difference for me - it somehow changed the whole situation to know I wasn't alone..

Check out our Class of December thread in this forum for support from folks at the same point of the journey as yourself

and as for seeing a Dr...there are a lot of free or low cost clinics around the US - if there's one in your local area you might get some medical advice there?

Free/Low-Cost/Sliding-Scale Clinics
2-1-1 Call Center Search

D

least

I'd suggest you see your doctor asap for a thorough physical. That can ease your mind and point out whatever may be wrong. Ask for his help in quitting. Sometimes meds can be given to ease withdrawal. Then once you are detoxed, find something that works for you to not drink. It was very hard for me to quit but I finally just put the drink down and never picked it up again. Now I'm three years sober and my life is much better. No more lying and hiding, no more waking up sick as a dog and hating myself.

Sober life is so much better in so many ways.

Ssdawg1422

You have several options available to you. Even without insurance I was able to check into a medical detox and pay after my stay which wasn't that expensive and of course was worth it. Many of us have felt those pains and the anxiety that comes with it. Your body is telling you to stop and you seem ready. Take the leap of faith and we are all here to support you my man. I'm on day 37 and already the world is a much nicer place.

coraltint

what Bruce said....try AA. you sound down enough for it to work.

I had a 3 yr old son & one 6 months in the oven when I was in your shoes. I was absolutely terrified b/c I couldn't quit. Couldn't even slow down very well anymore. I always thought that having kids would be the thing that would make me "grow up." But it didn't. I was bingeing harder & for longer than ever.

When I found myself in enough pain to actually try AA, I found a room full of people who had been in my sad, scared, pathetic shoes but had found a way out. And they were nice to me, told me to come back.

9 years off of booze/cocaine now & with 3 sons. It works. Just do it (sorry Nike)

GWH

Thank you, everyone. I think I need a check-up, just to get some peace of mind (depending on the results, that is). It's not even anxiety over not drinking...at the moment. It's the soul-crushing realization that I am not the immortal kid I thought I was, and that I may have actually killed myself at precisely the time that I have so much to live for.

Ssdawg1422

I think you'll find that when you do give up drinking that the pains you're experiencing disappear. You're body will heal in time. I had stomach pains, almost like a heavy sensation in my gut as well. I felt the weird sensation and sometimes pain on my right side at times as well. Dont check out Dr google anymore. That causes anxiety. See a doc and get a professional examination and a recommendation on how to quit. I'm 27 and like you I was terrified I wouldn't be alive to seem niece grow or my nephew be born. It was my reason to reach out for help and my reason to stay sober.

instant

GWH welcome . I am glad you found us. I only found freedom when I admitted defeat and was prepared to take whatever comes. A dramatic change in mindset can occur. Just havre a go and keep on posting.

GWH

I want to thank all of you who reached out to me last night/this morning. Today is day 4, and I feel a lot better after a little sleep. Even a few hours can mean a world of difference.

I feel good about my decision. I feel strong and I am ready to take back my mind and body, for my sake and for my loved ones.

I know mood has a lot to do with the despair and anxiety. It's my brain telling me enough is enough. My side feels better today, and I am going to resist the compulsion to check my freaking eyeballs in every mirror I see.

So much of this is psychosomatic. I chalk it up to my real self forcing his way back into my thoughts any way he knows how.

Instant, I have thought about what you said all day today, and it is so beautiful and emotional. You are right. I am defeated, and what's done is done. If we could go back and suck all of the booze out of our lives, I think we all would...but we can't. So I won't worry about that. I'm going to start living and trust my body to right itself (with my help, this time).

I will be here frequently. But for now, I have to cram for this exam that I should have been studying for last night, rather than convincing myself I was dying. One more win for alcohol, I suppose.

Oh, and no more Dr. Google. I am considering a malpractice suit. lol.

oinobares

I just want to add to all the fantastic comments, GWH, that I have intimate experience with exactly that sort of "neurosis." I have gone through the very same thing. Felt the same gassiness, the same dread, checking the whites of my eyes every five minutes, panicking about what in the name of all that is good and holy I had done to get into such an awful state, worrying about ruining the lives of my wife and two young kids by abusing myself into an early grave. In fact I went through that existential panic many times, each time feeling a hateful sense of deja vu. I did it in grad school too. And I did it in the hospital when my kids were born. I kept coming back for more and more. I began to wonder whether the basis of my neurosis was really a death-wish, a self-fulfilling prophecy: I feel like such an utter failure I might as well show the world what a perfect example of one I can be. Alcohol seems custom-tailored to that project.

Ultimately I couldn't stand that despair and insanity any longer, and I wanted to watch my beautiful kids grow up in a household with a competent, healthy and available father. I dove into AA and the support offered here. I only have six months but finally getting sober got me away from Dr. Internet and to a real Doc--the first physical I had had in about 15 years--and all was well.

I know you can be well too! Be strong, listen to your body and get all the support you can to escape that destructive "neurosis."

GWH

Oinobares, thank you from the depths of my heart. I thought about that last night, to be honest. I thought to myself that of all the 13212425 things gassiness and right side pain could be...was I was insisting to myself that it was my liver because deep down I wanted it to be? I always felt that I have accomplished what I have in life in spite of myself. Got lucky when I found a great woman, fate smiled on me when I had a great son, made it through school and got a job despite the fact that I shouldn't have. Self-loathing is a powerful and dark thing.

I am staying dry this time to stop the mental despair and sleepless nights and crushing guilt, if for no other reason.

It is amazing how comforting it can be, to hear the words of someone else as if they came right out of your own scared, confused mouth.

Thanks, you guys. I think you may all be saving my life. A few lines of text at a time.

duane1

That same right side feeling is what lead me to quit drinking over 6 months ago. I too wanted to be able to see my kids grow up. Your body is telling you to quit whether you listen to it or not. I hope you make the right choice. Your family needs you.

GWH

Its persisted for about 3 weeks, Duane, and it has scared me to my core. I hope it gets better with time. Its day four for me, and it seems to be less irritated.

Here's hoping.

GWH

If you dont mind my asking, how long were you sober before the aches and pains subsided? Im looking forward to the day when I dont have a bloaty-feeling reminder of my abuse.

Mafalda

I can relate to the hypochondria. Even though nothing hurt I asked my doctor to do expanded very sensitive liver tests for the past five years. Always negative but then I thought why am I waiting for my liver to be damaged WHY!!! That's just crazy thinking. I felt like I needed the hard evidence to stop. Coming on this site has really made me realize that I can't wait for the Train crash.

artsoul

Welcome GWH -

I'm glad you found us! This place really helped me see what I was doing to myself and gave me hope. It was scary to give up drinking, but I'm so grateful now that I did.

You can do this!