Help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Lexington Ky
Posts: 6
Help
I come here as a last resort. My wife is an alcoholic who drinks almost daily to the point of blacking out. I don't know what to do. If I didn't love her it would be different. Tried fighting, reasoning, pleading, crying, and i am tired. We are by ourselves now thank God! She has driven away my Mother and my oldest son who now keeps my grandson away. I just want a normal boring life.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
" I just want a normal boring life."
Well, as long as you live with someone who is in the throws of active addiction, there is no such thing as normal, it will be nothing but drama and chaos.
Take some time to read all the stickeys at the top of all the Family & Friends Forums, read others posts and if you are not doing so start attending Alanon meetings, knowledge is power.
Keep posting, it will help.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We understand.
Some of our stories are in the sticky posts at the top of this forum's main page. Stickies are permanent post that have been preserved for future reading. I am always finding wisdom when I read those posts.
Here is a link to a sticky post that helped me while I was still living with active alcoholism in my home:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We understand.
Some of our stories are in the sticky posts at the top of this forum's main page. Stickies are permanent post that have been preserved for future reading. I am always finding wisdom when I read those posts.
Here is a link to a sticky post that helped me while I was still living with active alcoholism in my home:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Welcome here, but again, sorry for the reason.
Mr. Unhappy, I understand where youre coming from, for my wife is also a daily drinker who 50% of the time passes out on the couch. No amount of anything you are trying to do for her will make one smidge of difference - in fact, it will probably make things worse, because then she'll claim she has a reason to drink because you are always on her case about it. Yes, backward thinking, but the alcoholic mind is neither reasonable nor rational.
Get with your HP (Higher Power) and talk to Him/It and ask them how you can find some peace and serenity in your life. Focus on you and your attitudes, and let the alkie do as she pleases - and she will either 'get it' and get well, or most likely spiral down into the pit. The latter is what usually happens.
You are in no way to blame for any of this. This is hers, and hers alone, to deal with. Be thankful you don't have children at home - that's my situation. On the other hand, you will probably get blamed for everything wrog with her, your marriage, the children, your finances, the school system, the fiscal cliff, etc. Blameshifting is what they do - takes the focus off them.
You have a right to live the life you want to live, and if that means living apart from her, then you need to consider that. Others (mother and son) have found the behaviour unacceptable and have removed themselves. You too, at some point, will find your tipping point and remove yourself as well.
Are you enabling her behaviour? As in, do you buy her booze? Do you pour her drinks? If so, please stop - it's her responsibility to drink herself stupid.
And don't try to engage her in conversation when she's drinking, and most certainly don't get sucked into any kind of discussion when she's drinking - alkies are good at baiting us and pullling us into their misery - it's their way of manipulation and control. When I know my Wife is beyond any reasonable point (as soon as she starts drinking) I avoid all conversation if possible, and hopefully just go to bed peacefully.
Read/learn about 'detaching' - it will be a life-saver for you. Learn about setting boundaries and sticking to them. Rediscover yourself, your friends, your son, your interests. Learn to laugh again, regardless of how much she tries to suck you down into the world of doom and gloom.
And remember to be thankful every day for those blessings you do have -once you start thinking about those things, you bring yourself up and start to heal from this familial disease.
And come to this forum and read, read, read - there is so much to learn. Many people are going to different stages of dealing with this insiduous disease or whatever you want to call it.
Take care,
C-OH Dad
Mr. Unhappy, I understand where youre coming from, for my wife is also a daily drinker who 50% of the time passes out on the couch. No amount of anything you are trying to do for her will make one smidge of difference - in fact, it will probably make things worse, because then she'll claim she has a reason to drink because you are always on her case about it. Yes, backward thinking, but the alcoholic mind is neither reasonable nor rational.
Get with your HP (Higher Power) and talk to Him/It and ask them how you can find some peace and serenity in your life. Focus on you and your attitudes, and let the alkie do as she pleases - and she will either 'get it' and get well, or most likely spiral down into the pit. The latter is what usually happens.
You are in no way to blame for any of this. This is hers, and hers alone, to deal with. Be thankful you don't have children at home - that's my situation. On the other hand, you will probably get blamed for everything wrog with her, your marriage, the children, your finances, the school system, the fiscal cliff, etc. Blameshifting is what they do - takes the focus off them.
You have a right to live the life you want to live, and if that means living apart from her, then you need to consider that. Others (mother and son) have found the behaviour unacceptable and have removed themselves. You too, at some point, will find your tipping point and remove yourself as well.
Are you enabling her behaviour? As in, do you buy her booze? Do you pour her drinks? If so, please stop - it's her responsibility to drink herself stupid.
And don't try to engage her in conversation when she's drinking, and most certainly don't get sucked into any kind of discussion when she's drinking - alkies are good at baiting us and pullling us into their misery - it's their way of manipulation and control. When I know my Wife is beyond any reasonable point (as soon as she starts drinking) I avoid all conversation if possible, and hopefully just go to bed peacefully.
Read/learn about 'detaching' - it will be a life-saver for you. Learn about setting boundaries and sticking to them. Rediscover yourself, your friends, your son, your interests. Learn to laugh again, regardless of how much she tries to suck you down into the world of doom and gloom.
And remember to be thankful every day for those blessings you do have -once you start thinking about those things, you bring yourself up and start to heal from this familial disease.
And come to this forum and read, read, read - there is so much to learn. Many people are going to different stages of dealing with this insiduous disease or whatever you want to call it.
Take care,
C-OH Dad
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
There is hope. There are no guarantees, however.
There is hope that you will become healthier after having lived with active alcoholism.
There is hope that your wife will see you making positive changes in your life and may decide to seek her own healthier lifestyle.
There is hope that you will be come healthier and establish boundaries to protect yourself/son/mom/grandchild from the drama of addiction.
There is hope that your son/mom/grandchild will see the positive changes you have made in your own life and choose to re-establish contact with you.
There is hope, but there is no magic cure for your wife's addiction.
Step One of Al Anon: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable.
In those steps I found hope. Hope for a healthier, happier ME. With that hope and committment to becoming healthier, I found myself in better relationship with others.
There is hope that you will become healthier after having lived with active alcoholism.
There is hope that your wife will see you making positive changes in your life and may decide to seek her own healthier lifestyle.
There is hope that you will be come healthier and establish boundaries to protect yourself/son/mom/grandchild from the drama of addiction.
There is hope that your son/mom/grandchild will see the positive changes you have made in your own life and choose to re-establish contact with you.
There is hope, but there is no magic cure for your wife's addiction.
Step One of Al Anon: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable.
In those steps I found hope. Hope for a healthier, happier ME. With that hope and committment to becoming healthier, I found myself in better relationship with others.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
There's always hope. For you - definitely. For her - possibly, though no one knows that answer. You can't hang your life on that 'hope', you need to move forward now.
You need to do what you need to do for yourself at this point. You have to hand over her life life to her HP and just let go. Is this the way you want to live out your life? I don't know your age or your wife's, but that doesn't matter - you can still have the life you want/need/deserve. But only you can decide when that will be. And only you can decide when you've had enough.
Left to her own devices (which is the only path), she might find out that you growing and healing goes against the pattern she's enjoyed all this time. At that point, she will either decide "screw it" and go deeper into the 'ism, or decide that you and others won't tolerate her behaviour and she wants to be involved in others' lives, and will seek out treatment. But it must be all her choice.
It doesn't sound like your life is in imminent danger by sticking around, so you don't need to make a decision today to stay or leave. You can, however, start your healing and recovery TODAY - toward a brighter, calmer future. And "boring". Trust me, there is not a darn thing wrong with BORING.
Keep reading and posting here - let it out and we're always here for you. This place has been a life-saver for me. Sometimes you may not like what your hear, but that doesn't mean it's not truthful - it could just mean that it doesn't fit your situation, or it might mean you're not ready to hear that part of the truth yet. take what you want, and leave the rest.
C-OH Dad
You need to do what you need to do for yourself at this point. You have to hand over her life life to her HP and just let go. Is this the way you want to live out your life? I don't know your age or your wife's, but that doesn't matter - you can still have the life you want/need/deserve. But only you can decide when that will be. And only you can decide when you've had enough.
Left to her own devices (which is the only path), she might find out that you growing and healing goes against the pattern she's enjoyed all this time. At that point, she will either decide "screw it" and go deeper into the 'ism, or decide that you and others won't tolerate her behaviour and she wants to be involved in others' lives, and will seek out treatment. But it must be all her choice.
It doesn't sound like your life is in imminent danger by sticking around, so you don't need to make a decision today to stay or leave. You can, however, start your healing and recovery TODAY - toward a brighter, calmer future. And "boring". Trust me, there is not a darn thing wrong with BORING.
Keep reading and posting here - let it out and we're always here for you. This place has been a life-saver for me. Sometimes you may not like what your hear, but that doesn't mean it's not truthful - it could just mean that it doesn't fit your situation, or it might mean you're not ready to hear that part of the truth yet. take what you want, and leave the rest.
C-OH Dad
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Unhappy1, I am sorry I know what you are going through.
I tried to get my exbf to quit drinking for 3 years... like you i tried everything... begging, nagging, scolding, pleading, doing nothing, drinking along with him, whatever I did didn't seem to matter. Drinking is what alcoholics do and I believe when they're in the throes of addiction they are emotionally unavailable and could care less about your feelings.
My ex and I broke up, it was easier since we weren't married. When I finally got fed up and broke up with him due to his drinking, crappy behavior and verbal abuse he ended up blaming me for the whole debacle. It is difficult. They will blame you for their problems and blame you for their drinking. They will feel angry and defensive if you bring the subject up. They are incredibly selfish.
I do know that some people quit eventually when they have major health problems or a major wake up call. Meanwhile have you tried Al-anon?
I tried to get my exbf to quit drinking for 3 years... like you i tried everything... begging, nagging, scolding, pleading, doing nothing, drinking along with him, whatever I did didn't seem to matter. Drinking is what alcoholics do and I believe when they're in the throes of addiction they are emotionally unavailable and could care less about your feelings.
My ex and I broke up, it was easier since we weren't married. When I finally got fed up and broke up with him due to his drinking, crappy behavior and verbal abuse he ended up blaming me for the whole debacle. It is difficult. They will blame you for their problems and blame you for their drinking. They will feel angry and defensive if you bring the subject up. They are incredibly selfish.
I do know that some people quit eventually when they have major health problems or a major wake up call. Meanwhile have you tried Al-anon?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Al-Anon is something you do for you; other than qualifying you to attend, it really has nothing to do with her. Everyone is there for the same reason, though they may be in very different places along the road.
The hardest part of my recovery was admitting that I needed it. That is wasn't all my A Mother or A ex-boyfriend's fault that I wasn't happy with my life. Coming here is a very good start, and we welcome the airing of everyone's problems with sympathy and understanding. Al-Anon is more face-to-face and focused recovery work. Some people, like myself, find their paths through individual therapy. If you want to ever not be "Unhappy1' you may have to do some things that are outside your comfort zone. But of course, you can do them in your own time.
The hardest part of my recovery was admitting that I needed it. That is wasn't all my A Mother or A ex-boyfriend's fault that I wasn't happy with my life. Coming here is a very good start, and we welcome the airing of everyone's problems with sympathy and understanding. Al-Anon is more face-to-face and focused recovery work. Some people, like myself, find their paths through individual therapy. If you want to ever not be "Unhappy1' you may have to do some things that are outside your comfort zone. But of course, you can do them in your own time.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
"I am very cautious about Al-Anon. If she finds out I went then there would be hell to pay. I hate having to air my problems with others. " (Unhappy1)
Living with an out of control alkie is HELL. Allowing an out of control addict control over your life is HELL. Watching someone drink themselves to death is HELL. Seeing your family slip away, because of her drinking is HELL.
So I do not see how going to a meeting is going to create more HELL for you, YOU are already there........ Time to start taking care of you and your needs.
Sending you support.
Living with an out of control alkie is HELL. Allowing an out of control addict control over your life is HELL. Watching someone drink themselves to death is HELL. Seeing your family slip away, because of her drinking is HELL.
So I do not see how going to a meeting is going to create more HELL for you, YOU are already there........ Time to start taking care of you and your needs.
Sending you support.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Lexington Ky
Posts: 6
I love her. We've been married over 26 yrs. When she is sober we have a great time together. When she removes herself by drinking I'm lost. Here's the kicker. I lost my job 3 yrs ago. I am currently employed but severely underemployed. I can't make it financially without her. That doesn't help my feeling of helplessness. I just want her to stop and get back to the way we used to be. (And yes that is when she started drinking. I lost my job and we lost everything but each other.) That's another reason why I feel it is my fault.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 137
Just wanted to say- if possible try AlAnon- you can just listen and not talk- nobody expects you to do anything there- all I can say is that, for me, I got support and kindness from members- they 'got' what I was going through.
I was an emotional mess when I went in- I had lost myself - 24 years of marriage to an A had taken it's toll- being in Al Anon has been a lifesaving experience for me.
I do hope you find peace.
I was an emotional mess when I went in- I had lost myself - 24 years of marriage to an A had taken it's toll- being in Al Anon has been a lifesaving experience for me.
I do hope you find peace.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Unhappy1, how someone else chooses to react to the events in their lives, whether good or bad, is their choice. You didn't make your wife drink.
Remember, and it really is true:
You didn't cause it;
You can't control it;
You can't cure it.
Many of us here on SoberRecovery get stuck on the "you can't control it" part. I am wondering if you are more stuck on the "you didn't cause it" part.
You are not a bad person because you lost your job; life happens to us all, and often not the way we want it. From you've said, it seems that you may be feeling guilty for the change in you and your wife's life situation, but that's not a realistic way to move on with the rest of your lives.
And it's not okay for someone else to hold guilt or blame over your head. You didn't make her drink. She did that and she is continuing to make that choice. You've gotten a job, and even if you're underemployed, you are working and making the effort to do the best you can in a very tough job market.
At some point in alcohol addiction, the original reason for the alcoholic to drink gets lost, and they get mired in the physical addiction as well as the emotional addiction. If your wife is drinking daily to the point of blackout, she is probably at that place. Now her choice is about her health, though she may still see it as being about your job loss. But if she didn't blame that, she'd blame something else. Alcoholics will say and do pretty much anything to make sure they get their supply. In order for them to feel justified in continuing drinking, they need a scapegoat, a "reason" that usually isn't a reason at all, it's a smokescreen for their need for alcohol.
Like the other people here, I'd encourage you to read as much as you can about alcoholism, learn about its physical addiction, about how people behave. It's a wily and persistent disease, and the more you know, the more you can cope with your situation.
All we can do is focus on ourselves and making ourselves healthier. I've watched over the 6 months I've been posting here, and there are quite a few people who have quit trying to fix or cope with their alcoholic, and focused instead on how they can make their own lives better, and found their alcoholic wanted to be with them and stopped drinking as a result.
In the meantime, you can see your mother and your son and grandson even if your wife is not welcome. If she's drinking to blackout most nights, you might as well be living your own life again. She's going to rail against mostly everything at this point, so you might as well ignore her anger and start finding what will nurture and heal you. That's not being disloyal; you can't live her life, and you can live your own, with honor and with joy. It's not your fault if she can't get there right now; that's the disease called alcoholism, as tragic and painful as it is to realize that. Being left out might just be enough to motivate her to want a real life again.
We're all here for you, keep coming back, keep posting, we'll have your back. These are terribly difficult times, and we do really understand and care about you.
ShootingStar1
Remember, and it really is true:
You didn't cause it;
You can't control it;
You can't cure it.
Many of us here on SoberRecovery get stuck on the "you can't control it" part. I am wondering if you are more stuck on the "you didn't cause it" part.
You are not a bad person because you lost your job; life happens to us all, and often not the way we want it. From you've said, it seems that you may be feeling guilty for the change in you and your wife's life situation, but that's not a realistic way to move on with the rest of your lives.
And it's not okay for someone else to hold guilt or blame over your head. You didn't make her drink. She did that and she is continuing to make that choice. You've gotten a job, and even if you're underemployed, you are working and making the effort to do the best you can in a very tough job market.
At some point in alcohol addiction, the original reason for the alcoholic to drink gets lost, and they get mired in the physical addiction as well as the emotional addiction. If your wife is drinking daily to the point of blackout, she is probably at that place. Now her choice is about her health, though she may still see it as being about your job loss. But if she didn't blame that, she'd blame something else. Alcoholics will say and do pretty much anything to make sure they get their supply. In order for them to feel justified in continuing drinking, they need a scapegoat, a "reason" that usually isn't a reason at all, it's a smokescreen for their need for alcohol.
Like the other people here, I'd encourage you to read as much as you can about alcoholism, learn about its physical addiction, about how people behave. It's a wily and persistent disease, and the more you know, the more you can cope with your situation.
All we can do is focus on ourselves and making ourselves healthier. I've watched over the 6 months I've been posting here, and there are quite a few people who have quit trying to fix or cope with their alcoholic, and focused instead on how they can make their own lives better, and found their alcoholic wanted to be with them and stopped drinking as a result.
In the meantime, you can see your mother and your son and grandson even if your wife is not welcome. If she's drinking to blackout most nights, you might as well be living your own life again. She's going to rail against mostly everything at this point, so you might as well ignore her anger and start finding what will nurture and heal you. That's not being disloyal; you can't live her life, and you can live your own, with honor and with joy. It's not your fault if she can't get there right now; that's the disease called alcoholism, as tragic and painful as it is to realize that. Being left out might just be enough to motivate her to want a real life again.
We're all here for you, keep coming back, keep posting, we'll have your back. These are terribly difficult times, and we do really understand and care about you.
ShootingStar1
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Lexington Ky
Posts: 6
I thought things were getting better. The rollercoaster continues. What if she does something stupid? Her texting comments are bad enough especially when there is no filter. Oh well.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
Unhappy1, when i first came here earlier this year, all i wanted was for everyone to tell me my situation with my addict bf, was that it was going to be all fine if i was patient, or loving, or understanding. thats not what they had to say. and it was really hard to hear how bad my life would probably become if i stayed with this guy who was drinking his life away, and taking acid. i understand that you are at the other end of the spectrum, with your wife for 26yrs, not in a financially stable situation, but not happy with the situation. what i have learnt about this disease addiction, is that all the hope, love, patience, and understanding in the world, is not going to make them better, it will probably make them worse. if you intend to stay in this relationship, then you will have to accept your wife for the person she is. and that means accepting that she is an alcoholic, and that is not going to change, but probably get worse. that does not mean that you have to be her dumping ground, it just means accepting you cant change, control, or cure who addiction. get on living your life. maybe YOU go and visit your son and grandson on your own. why miss out on all of that. Take your mum out for lunches. live your life, and let your wife live hers. if she gets upset that shes not invited, explain to her that her drinking is an issue, and that while she continues to drink your son does not wish for he to be around his child. please seek help in the forms of Al-on. how your wife reacts should not play a part. does she care how you feel when it comes to her drinking? as long as you are going for positive reasons, then feel free to make good choices for yourself.
i wish you all the luck, and please dont take what you will be told in here too harshly. they are just trying to share with you their wisdom. it isnt an attack. take what you want from their advise. for at the end of the day, it is just their opinion. only you know what is RIGHT FOR YOU.
merry xmas.
i wish you all the luck, and please dont take what you will be told in here too harshly. they are just trying to share with you their wisdom. it isnt an attack. take what you want from their advise. for at the end of the day, it is just their opinion. only you know what is RIGHT FOR YOU.
merry xmas.
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