ShootingStar1

My grief has been immense these past weeks. And this evening, he e-mailed me that he wants to settle the divorce, and will meet my terms. And now my grief is even deeper.

The holiday season, so many traditions gone, broken. So much that was full, rich, robust. Hollow now. Survived the desperate race to leave him when his abuse was beyond what I could endure. Survived living without furniture, without anything. Survived my fear.

Took my little dog as companion, and a loving companion she has been. Built what I could. Found a place to live. Got enough furniture. Got my treasures, tools, books, music. Found the ocean. Survived 6 weeks of bronchitis. Found a nutritionist, future path to better health. Found other artists. Can't talk to them yet, but they are around. Found a beginning, maybe a path to the future.

Haven't found my art yet. Haven't found my heart and my vision yet. My soul is wrapped in grief. Maybe it is a cocoon.

And now my grief is worse than ever. He wrote "You were correct. This place is much too big for me. It helped me to stay here for a while. But the house has too many reminders of you."

So I will get what I want. The house will be sold. The assets will be split. I will be free. I will someday recover. I hope. I pray often, and this is what came to me today. A release.

But at what cost. 20 years gone. I understand the winter of the soul, and I will live it for as long as it takes because from its dormancy comes rebirth. I will have faith, even though I feel tears of ice now. I will trust my God. God has brought me this.

But to know that he is haunted by my presence in the house I built, the gardens I grew, the life I nurtured, that is pure pain tonight.

There is no bridge back. In this life time only goes one way. Time goes on, and what is past is past. What is done is done. What is gone, though, is still with me and I haven't yet found how to divest myself of it. It entwines me like brittle winter vines around the roots of the future's blooms.

All I ever really wanted was him. Healthy. Loving. Loving me. I just don't think I can bear the grief tonight.

ShootingStar1

dollydo

I am so very sorry, however, you will heal, grief is part of the healing process, let your emotions flow, this too shall pass.

BoxinRotz

I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing tonight.

I pray that you find a wonderful beginning in this horrible end. :ghug3

grammyb

Hugs to you...I understand how hard this is as I'm ending a 36 year marriage. Mourn, shed your tears and trust our paths in life and that we'll enjoy many more years of love, laughter and joy.

LoveMeNow

(((shootingstar)))

You have come so far. I remember your very first post. I have this picture in my mind of what you and your little dog look like. Beautiful and adorable.

Grief is a such painful place to be, but a necessity. This chapter may be closing but I KNOW there is a new bright, happy, serene future waiting for you. Keep leaning on God, he is with you and will comfort you.

tjp613

The 20 years are not 'gone'...they are an enduring chapter of your life. You enjoyed much and you learned much and now it is time to move on to see what God has in store for you next. Embrace it, express gratitude and release it to the Universe. Stay in the moment because that is where God resides. All is well. (((((Hugs))))

PohsFriend

:-(

I'm hoping that there's something awesome waiting around the bend for you. You can't see it yet but I'm sure it's waiting for you.

Funny how it's only when our back is to the wall that we really learn how to stand up straight. I have a feeling you will bounce.

Holidays are kinda rough, see some friends, make the dog wear an adorkable Santa costume, hang in there my friend :-)

Katiekate

You are not alone. Not ever..

BoxinRotz

I called Christmas off here. On Tuesday morning, I will be coming home from work to AH and I will sit on the couch with my coffee and a smoke and watch some tv and then go to bed.

I called it off because AH decided to blow off work and shorted us again and I am not having family over. My house is a mess. I feel like I'm a wreck. I'm tired and I just want to not put on that happy face and fake it. I didn't even want to put my tree up this year, that's how discusted I feel. I will pray to God on Christmas Day and thank Him for His only son. I will call my parents and brothers and our children. I'll tell my husband I love him and get ready for a hunt on Wednesday with my dad and niece!

jessiec

Hugs, love.

Rosiepetal

I'm so sorry for your grief shootingstar but promise it will get better.
I had 20 years with my husband & even now I still dream of him & hold & speak fond memories (even though there were lots of horrible ones)after 6 years of separation.
20 yrs is a bit part of your life.
The very biggest hug to you :ghug3

wellnowwhat

There is art in your eloquent posts.

dandylion

My dear ShootinStar, picture our arms securely. around you as the "waves" come crashing in. We will hold you until the turbulence subsides and rolls quietly back out to sea.

Our hearts recognize.

very sincerely, dandylion

BlueSkies1

It can hurt when they finally give in, because they didn't give in the way we wanted them to!
Mine gave in to the divorce also...when what I REALLY WANTED was for him to give in and stop the nonsense...get sober, stop the porn, stop the controlling actions, respect me as an equal.
He gave in, yes. Not the ways I wanted though.
It feels like winning a battle...but lost the war.

Now...(kicks into mom supportive mode) You dear Shootingstar, are a strong woman who knows how to cleave her way in life and produce a successful outcome. Who created those traditions you are missing this season? YOU DID. And so, in your future, YOU will create them, or others, again. You are far far more powerful than you realize. You have walked away from the wreckage and you alone have the power to recreate something beautiful. It's not hard for you to do...you know how, you've done it before after your first divorce, and you will do it again.
Your new life is nearly a blank canvas. Think of all the possibilities! You are going to paint something beautiful on it...so don't get sentimental over him, but use the creative side of your mind that is just waiting for an opportunity to use those brushstrokes in new and surprisingly beautiful ways...I suggest you get out those jewelry tools and get your mind back to creative thinking. You might buy some real blank canvases and paints from the art store, and even if painting was never your thing, release your emotions on that canvas.
It may be technically winter, but give yourself the newness of Spring. New growth. New expression. As soon as you are ready, reach out to those jewelry artists in your community. If you are not ready to reveal yourself yet, then all alone paint on that canvas, or go to a poetry reading at a cafe and watch others. Join a local book reading club, for example. You can quietly enter the local society these ways until you are more sure of yourself.
THINK SPRING. Only 12 more days until the days get longer again...Spring is on its way, so start preparing for its arrival now.

ShootingStar1

All of your words, your caring means so much to me. I couldn't do this without you all.

"My dear ShootinStar, picture our arms securely around you as the "waves" come crashing in. We will hold you until the turbulence subsides and rolls quietly back out to sea.
Our hearts recognize."

Dandylion, what a comfort this is to me.

I feel like a ship caught in stays; no wind, no breeze, no movement.

It's as if grief is a viscous substance that has to be waded through to get to do even the most simple thing. There is so much resistance to viscerally push through. It feels exhausting, and mostly, I sleep. It's probably the 6 weeks of bronchitis, too. Another week of strong antibiotics to go for that.

MadeOfGlass, you are right. One of the greatest ironies is that my AH told me in his e-mail that when the house is sold, he will move to my favorite town in his state, near a university, the ocean, culture. I had wanted to do that for so long and he wouldn't. Well, I am happier where I have chosen; it has all that the other does and more, and it is close to my children and grandchildren and to a major city. And there is art and music and artists everywhere, and as a friend of mine said "I have found my people". I do love it here.

I can and I will create anew. You give me hope, and I know it is in me. I appreciate your ideas. They will percolate through this weariness, and I imagine, sometime I'll wake up from a nap and find myself in my jewelry studio, or at least doing something useful.

I don't know if others of you are like this - - I get through a crisis with flying colors, because, truly, what is the alternative? Then afterwards, I crash when everyone else is recovering. My therapist said yesterday that I have gotten through the survival period, the rapid fire "get myself out and safe" time, the deliverance from danger, and now I am taking stock of what has happened to me. It is an alanon kind of process, and it is quiet and essential.

Even the seeds rest through the dark winter, the better to thrive in the spring. So I will give myself permission to rest; it seems that at some inward level, that is what I intend to do no matter what right now!

ShootingStar1

MamaKit

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Hugs to you ShootingStar. Your words are so lovely to read. I wish you peace through this process and look forward to your renewal. Your soul, which you share so beautifully here on SR, is such a fertile bed of strength and kindness that will surely sprout a glorious future.

MamaKit

Florence

My therapist tells me, too, that the quality of the Florence that comes next is dependent on how completely I tear down the old Florence, the old ways of thinking, and how completely I clear out the old debris. It makes me want to do a thorough job.

I saw this the other day and it feels appropriate.

wellnowwhat

One of the greatest ironies is that my AH told me in his e-mail that when the house is sold, he will move to my favorite town in his state, near a university, the ocean, culture. I had wanted to do that for so long and he wouldn't.

I want to believe the evil games he plays are over, but this raised a red flag for me. I hope I am wrong.

firebolt

Thinking of you...its a terrible tragedy that when in our position, most of the time, whatever we end up doing, we lose.

BUT you will recover, and the odds say that your life will be better because of what you are going through right now. It seems that even if they do find recovery while with us, it's no cake walk and often ends painfully anyway.

We love to be the exception - but its rare that we are. You are light years ahead of me I shudder to think I'll be in this same spot 10 years from now - or worse - with no end in sight.

Its ok to feel how you are feeling, and if you're anything like me, my best poems, paintings, and short stories came from me while in the most unhappy of times in my life. You'll look back at it all one day with peace and pride that you made it though - better than ever.

(((hugs)))

cr995

ShootingStar1 you are not alone. Many of us are in the same boat. I also recently asked my STBXAH about selling our house. When I read his email agreeing I felt my heart weep, because like you , what I really wanted was for him to get well and be everything I always hoped he would be. But 3 decades of waiting is probably long enough. I say I love him - yet I want him to suffer for not doing 'the right thing' I hang on to the hope that one day I will be proven right and him wrong - childish maybe but oh so necessary to feel validated and like I was a good person and I did try and he was an alcoholic! I feel stuck and abandoned. The casualties of alcoholism. My
hope is that time is a healer but I would really like some revenge!! I want to scream - IT'S NOT FAIR!! * Hugs*