Not even sure where to start rebuilding....
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 4
Not even sure where to start rebuilding....
Ok.. I'm new here, so please forgive me if I ramble.. DH quit drinking again Thursday. I'm praying this time lasts.
This is 1st time he's actually admitted the alcohol is the problem - instead of the usual stress, kids, life, etc... He has his first appt w/a counselor today. Part of me wants to be there w/him - but I'm not sure if its because I want to help or because the pessimist in me just wants to make sure he's there. The other part of me wants to just let him go alone & start dealing with his own mistakes for the 1st time.
I guess I should give background... We've been together 10, married 6, and have 2 yr old twins. I never realized how much he drank until I started staying home when I got pregnant.
The 1st time he quit I was 6 months preg & told him to choose drinking or being at the hospital when the kids were born. I was terrified to go into labor at night & him be too drunk to drive me to the hospital. He went to his GP who gave him an rx to help with the anxiety of quitting... Am I the only one who sees a problem with giving an addictive drug to someone with an addiction problem????? After about 6 weeks, he slowly started drinking again.. I thought it was just a glass or 2 of wine but that started to slowly increase.
The 2nd/3rd times were this summer when he lost his job. Dr gave him pills again, he 'reset' (his phrase) and then started back up. Fastforward 5 months and I start to suspect he's drinking WAY more than the 3 or 4 glasses a night that I see. So I snoop - receipts, credit card bills, etc and discover he's having 3 or 4 vodkas almost every day before he comes home... And the rx to help quit has apparently become his crutch to get through the morning hangover.
I didn't scream, cry, or threaten this time. I confronted him & told him that it was his choice but that if he didn't stop, I was taking the kids & leaving.
I'm so mad/hurt/worried/scared. I quit my job a month ago -- working 45-50 hours a week & every saturday, him traveling, and having toddler twins had pushed me to the point of exhaustion. I've realized that I can't spend the rest of my life taking care of an adult who refused to get help & take care of himself.. I don't want our children to grow up with a dad who's drunk and I didn't trust him to keep them on the saturdays I had to work... Getting home at 2:30 & finding him a bottle of wine in scared me to death and was the last straw.
So what now??? How do I trust that this time will work? I love him, but I don't know how to be with him and not be mad and hurt. And what about when he travels again? How do I ever trust that he's not at a bar getting wasted? I know I have to put our children first, but I'm terrified that if I leave, he'll hurt himself -- then how do I explain that our kids?
This is 1st time he's actually admitted the alcohol is the problem - instead of the usual stress, kids, life, etc... He has his first appt w/a counselor today. Part of me wants to be there w/him - but I'm not sure if its because I want to help or because the pessimist in me just wants to make sure he's there. The other part of me wants to just let him go alone & start dealing with his own mistakes for the 1st time.
I guess I should give background... We've been together 10, married 6, and have 2 yr old twins. I never realized how much he drank until I started staying home when I got pregnant.
The 1st time he quit I was 6 months preg & told him to choose drinking or being at the hospital when the kids were born. I was terrified to go into labor at night & him be too drunk to drive me to the hospital. He went to his GP who gave him an rx to help with the anxiety of quitting... Am I the only one who sees a problem with giving an addictive drug to someone with an addiction problem????? After about 6 weeks, he slowly started drinking again.. I thought it was just a glass or 2 of wine but that started to slowly increase.
The 2nd/3rd times were this summer when he lost his job. Dr gave him pills again, he 'reset' (his phrase) and then started back up. Fastforward 5 months and I start to suspect he's drinking WAY more than the 3 or 4 glasses a night that I see. So I snoop - receipts, credit card bills, etc and discover he's having 3 or 4 vodkas almost every day before he comes home... And the rx to help quit has apparently become his crutch to get through the morning hangover.
I didn't scream, cry, or threaten this time. I confronted him & told him that it was his choice but that if he didn't stop, I was taking the kids & leaving.
I'm so mad/hurt/worried/scared. I quit my job a month ago -- working 45-50 hours a week & every saturday, him traveling, and having toddler twins had pushed me to the point of exhaustion. I've realized that I can't spend the rest of my life taking care of an adult who refused to get help & take care of himself.. I don't want our children to grow up with a dad who's drunk and I didn't trust him to keep them on the saturdays I had to work... Getting home at 2:30 & finding him a bottle of wine in scared me to death and was the last straw.
So what now??? How do I trust that this time will work? I love him, but I don't know how to be with him and not be mad and hurt. And what about when he travels again? How do I ever trust that he's not at a bar getting wasted? I know I have to put our children first, but I'm terrified that if I leave, he'll hurt himself -- then how do I explain that our kids?
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome, twins. I am glad you found us, but sorry for the situation you find yourself in.
So what now? Well, luckily right now, you don't have to do anything pressing, right? So you can simply breath, think, and process. It's a lot to take in. You'll here around here often to take it one day at a time, one thing at a time. It helps to not get so overwhelmed and scared.
How do you trust this time it will work? You don't. That's a set up for disappointment on your part. Do don't worry about it working or not - focus on what you can control - yourself and how you will react to it if it doesn't work.
If you don't want to leave, then find some face-to-face support, like Al-Anon, to help you learn how to detach emotionally from his drinking. It took me a long time to understand what that meant - it simply means not basing our state of mind, life, and emotions around them and what they do.
I would suggest reading everything you can get your hands on about alcoholism. Read in the alcoholism forum here. Spend some time right now learning about just what you are dealing with.
Keep reading and keep coming back!
~T
Originally Posted by twins10 
So what now??? How do I trust that this time will work? I love him, but I don't know how to be with him and not be mad and hurt. And what about when he travels again? How do I ever trust that he's not at a bar getting wasted? I know I have to put our children first, but I'm terrified that if I leave, he'll hurt himself -- then how do I explain that our kids?
How do you trust this time it will work? You don't. That's a set up for disappointment on your part. Do don't worry about it working or not - focus on what you can control - yourself and how you will react to it if it doesn't work.
If you don't want to leave, then find some face-to-face support, like Al-Anon, to help you learn how to detach emotionally from his drinking. It took me a long time to understand what that meant - it simply means not basing our state of mind, life, and emotions around them and what they do.
I would suggest reading everything you can get your hands on about alcoholism. Read in the alcoholism forum here. Spend some time right now learning about just what you are dealing with.
Keep reading and keep coming back!
~T
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 76
I so agree with you re: addictive meds to an addict. My fiancé was given lorazepram for anxiety and he ended up taking 6 and jumping off his roof. This is a good idea. Our lovely hospital thought this was better than admitting him and allowing him access to psychiatric resources.
I feel for you because I am in the same situation. My kids are 2 and 3. I never thought their dad would ever have an alcohol addiction. I hate it. I hate that I fell in love with a normal guy and I am leaving a drunk. I have to focus on finishing school alone and being mom (and dad) to my kids
I feel for you because I am in the same situation. My kids are 2 and 3. I never thought their dad would ever have an alcohol addiction. I hate it. I hate that I fell in love with a normal guy and I am leaving a drunk. I have to focus on finishing school alone and being mom (and dad) to my kids
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 4
Skarletstarlet,
Lorazapam for mine too... He doesn't talk/do crazy things awake, but once he tries to go to sleep, the crazy, suicide talk comes out. I could beat the crap out of his doctor for giving him this garbage!! In what world does that even make sense?!?!
I am sorry you are going through your situation. I haven't left & don't want to but I am very well aware that if he can't get off these pills & get the drinking stopped (or at least under control) that I will have to.
He's at his first therapy session right now... We'll see how that goes. Fingers crossed!
Sending hugs your way...
Lorazapam for mine too... He doesn't talk/do crazy things awake, but once he tries to go to sleep, the crazy, suicide talk comes out. I could beat the crap out of his doctor for giving him this garbage!! In what world does that even make sense?!?!
I am sorry you are going through your situation. I haven't left & don't want to but I am very well aware that if he can't get off these pills & get the drinking stopped (or at least under control) that I will have to.
He's at his first therapy session right now... We'll see how that goes. Fingers crossed!
Sending hugs your way...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
What is your plan?
What's your plan for if it doesn't work?
C-
P.s. You'll never, ever be able to know what he is and isn't doing when he is away. So the problem becomes not what to to about it, but how best to handle this thing that you cannot control.
P.p.s. Please consider trying six or more Alanon meetings. If it works for you it will change your life for the better and forever. If it doesn't work for you at least you tried-- then it will be time to try something else.
C-
P.s. You'll never, ever be able to know what he is and isn't doing when he is away. So the problem becomes not what to to about it, but how best to handle this thing that you cannot control.
P.p.s. Please consider trying six or more Alanon meetings. If it works for you it will change your life for the better and forever. If it doesn't work for you at least you tried-- then it will be time to try something else.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 4
If it doesn't work, then the kids, dogs & I are leaving. I have enough options & good friends to count on that I know we can be out quickly if needed. It sucks to think that way, but I have to keep their emotional well being & mine as the top priority.
He had his first session last night & is starting an outpatient program on Thursday. He seems to be in a much better mental state this time than the others and is finally referring to his drinking as a disease & a problem and not making excuses. The tricky part will be the holidays w/family here and the chaos.
I'm hopeful for the first time in a long time...
He had his first session last night & is starting an outpatient program on Thursday. He seems to be in a much better mental state this time than the others and is finally referring to his drinking as a disease & a problem and not making excuses. The tricky part will be the holidays w/family here and the chaos.
I'm hopeful for the first time in a long time...
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