new and nervous!!

Old 12-10-2012, 02:56 AM
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new and nervous!!

Hi everyone,
I just wanted to share my situation with people who won't judge, my friends are worried and aren't helping!
I've been with my ABF for 10 months. I had no idea for 6 months. I backed him into a corner for reasons into his behaviour as I couldn't comprehend his lack of support and why he disappeared during a traumatic family bereavement.
His initial "explanation" was that he was bi polar and used alcohol when he was low, when I delved deeper and questioned more he admitted this wasn't the case and he was "just an alcoholic"...
He is 38 and has battled since uni years. During his marriage he managed 10 years sober, an unhappy marriage I understand. He has been drinking again for the last year I believe. His divorce is proving awful for him.
I'm struggling to understand! I've been reading about enabling and detatchment and have attended an al anon meeting...
My worries are for him and for me..
Obviously his health is a huge worry
He is a professional man with a very good job which he is jepardising
He drives....
The let downs have been soul destroying- away days not happening etc
He barely sees his children- a bitter divorce
After the last disappointment which was having to miss the 1st day of a much needed break away we talked and talked. He is going to try a course of disulfiram and intends attending more meetings.
However I have heard good intentions before.
I adore this man and want to support without enabling. I'd appreciate any advice or just some support!!
xx
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Old 12-10-2012, 04:24 AM
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He goes to aa? He admitted he has a problem? .
Family and friends who havent experienced alcoholism as closely as we have seen the ups and downs
Are going to have a hard time wrapping their minds around it.
They are going to question your judgement and speak up.....what you do of course is your decision.
I can understand their concerns. Yall have no children. 10 month relationship and not married.
However you want to be in this relationship. Even well knowing that his problem could get
Worse for the both of you.
So what do you do? You come here. Great first step! What do you do next?
Learn more about alcoholism. Knowledge is power. Then set boundaries but truthfully if he is going to meeeting and trying that is a good start for him. Next try not to get to involved with his recovery. .you have you are own. Lastly the big thing I have seen help is letting him fail....
An example of this is if cant get up for work because he drank too much. Dont wake him. Cause and effect...he cant see theres a problem if their isnt a consequence.
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Old 12-10-2012, 04:54 AM
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Thank you for u're reply. He's been in and out of aa for years, he knows and admits his problem. I absolutely intend to do my homework. The thing I struggle with is how utterly selfish this illness is. I try to set boundaries but they get more blurred. Helping, supporting but enabling seem so intertwined!
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Old 12-10-2012, 07:43 AM
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It is very selfish but knowing that gives you more power for yourself
Dont be fooled and think its not and he will quack. Say things that will get under your skin.
All it is is the alcoholism speaking. Im glad you found your way here. I did and it was the best thing for me and what I was going through being with an a.
Here you will find stories that are close to your own and can vent and reach out to your hearts desire.
You are welcome and welcome to sr
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Old 12-10-2012, 07:52 AM
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10 Ways Family Members Can Help a Loved One with a Drug or Alcohol Problem
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (10 Ways Family Members Can Help a Loved One with a Drug or Alcohol Problem)

I like this definition of enabling: doing for others what they can do for themselves.
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Old 12-10-2012, 07:53 AM
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Addiction, Lies and Relationships
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Old 12-10-2012, 08:00 AM
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Welcome to the SR family!

You have found a wonderful resource of information and support. Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

I believe you have started taking healthy steps toward finding serenity. Alanon meetings, reading, and reaching out for support are all positive steps for you. Good on you!

When I first arrived at SR, I learned about the 3 C's of my husband's alcoholism:

I didn't CAUSE it
I can't CONTROL it
I won't CURE it

It took a long time for me to accept that concept. I was sure my love would be enough to deliver him from his addiction. Believe me, love is not enough to cure another adult of their addiction; if it were, there would be no need for this support group or Al Anon meetings!

Something else that helped me, was I stopped listening to the words of my alcoholic, and started looking at the actions. My alcoholic was a master manipulater, and could tell me what I wanted to hear every single time! I always wanted to believe the next time would be different.

A few other skills my alcoholic mastered:

blame-shifting
denial
lies
gambling
financial irresponsibility
etc

Stick around, we understand!
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Old 12-10-2012, 08:07 AM
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Welcome to SR! I absolutely second Pelican above, and can't say it any better. The three C's were immensely helpful to me when I first came here, to the point that I kept a written copy of them in my purse to read every day.

Keep coming back,
~T
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Old 12-10-2012, 11:13 AM
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As the wife of an Alcoholic for 27 years I feel I have to say -

" During his marriage he managed 10 years sober, an unhappy marriage I understand." .

Really? That's what he said was it? It was an unhappy marriage - ? I think after all we go through with our alcoholic partners - the verbal abuse, the cruelty, the unreliability, the emotional neglect - it's not so much that the problem is 'an unhappy marriage' so much as 'an alcoholic spouse.' !! They - the alcoholic are the problem, if he was married for any length of time he most likely sucked all the goodness there was out of his wife and left her broken and hurt. If you can accept that and the fact that people rarely change - I would urge you to read the following

The sticky at the top called classic reading
and then
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (You think that you are so special I)


And if after that you still want to stay with him then keep posting. Sorry if it sounds cruel but alcoholics are liars, so whatever he has told you is probably a lie, and unless he's going to change, nothing really changes.
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Old 12-10-2012, 12:33 PM
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Originally Posted by cr995 View Post
As the wife of an Alcoholic for 27 years I feel I have to say -

" During his marriage he managed 10 years sober, an unhappy marriage I understand." .

Really? That's what he said was it? It was an unhappy marriage - ? I think after all we go through with our alcoholic partners - the verbal abuse, the cruelty, the unreliability, the emotional neglect - it's not so much that the problem is 'an unhappy marriage' so much as 'an alcoholic spouse.' !! They - the alcoholic are the problem, if he was married for any length of time he most likely sucked all the goodness there was out of his wife and left her broken and hurt. If you can accept that and the fact that people rarely change - I would urge you to read the following

The sticky at the top called classic reading
and then
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (You think that you are so special I)


And if after that you still want to stay with him then keep posting. Sorry if it sounds cruel but alcoholics are liars, so whatever he has told you is probably a lie, and unless he's going to change, nothing really changes.
I have to agree with this. Its easy for him to put the blame on his ex for an unhappy marriage but truth is he was the alcoholic.
What comes with that would leave anyone emotionalyl abused and hurt and if me and my ah ended....he would deny lie and hide to the next woman. I know this as a fact cuz he does it with me
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Old 12-10-2012, 02:09 PM
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http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...special-i.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...pecial-ii.html
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Old 12-10-2012, 02:20 PM
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Thanks everyone,
I'm on night shift right now and he said he'd ring. He hasn't and his phone is ringing out. He has a day off tomorrow which he had filled with busy plans... I just know he'll be comatose now and it'll continue tomorrow. He is meant to be at a meeting tomorrow evening, meant to have sorted a prescription for Disulfiram....
I need to detatch, how?
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