Feeling like I'm fighting a losing battle
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1
Feeling like I'm fighting a losing battle
Here's my story and maybe some of you out there can relate and give some hope or advice.
My husband and I have been together for 13 years. We have 6 children together. When met I first him his dad was an alcoholic, he had been his entire child rearing life. My husband had virtually nothing to do with his dad. When we were 6 months pregnant with our first child his dad got sober. He has been ever since. I've never see my husband happier.
Over the first 6 years of our marriage we were social drinkers. Had few a parties but never at home unless we had company. 6 years ago we moved cross country to live with my parents. That was the beginning of the end. He began staying out all night drinking. He then had an 8 month affair. After a year we moved home. He changed. He began the husband and father I always wanted but he just never stopped drinking. I thought if we were in a good place the drinking would stop but it never did. It just got worse. He started distancing himself from me and the children. I've gotten angry and bitter because I always felt he chose the alcohol over me.
In the last 2 months he's fallen off the deep end. He drinks whenever he's not working. He says that I make him so miserable that he has to drink. He says if he wasn't with me he wouldn't need to drink. He can't stand to be with the kids for more than 5 minutes because they drive him crazy. He's also having another affair.
I know I make him unhappy because I'm so frustrated with the constant drinking and verbal abuse when he does drink that I've become a person I never thought I would.
He keeps saying he's gonna leave and never does. Usually I beg him to stay but not last night I told him just to leave. Then he says he'll get help for the alcohol and marriage counseling because he doesn't want to leave. However tonight he says he wants a drink before coming home because he doesn't want to here sober because I'm such a miserable person. Do I let stay so long as he gets help or do I give up and kick him out because clearly he's not committed to getting well for himself? Thanks for reading!
My husband and I have been together for 13 years. We have 6 children together. When met I first him his dad was an alcoholic, he had been his entire child rearing life. My husband had virtually nothing to do with his dad. When we were 6 months pregnant with our first child his dad got sober. He has been ever since. I've never see my husband happier.
Over the first 6 years of our marriage we were social drinkers. Had few a parties but never at home unless we had company. 6 years ago we moved cross country to live with my parents. That was the beginning of the end. He began staying out all night drinking. He then had an 8 month affair. After a year we moved home. He changed. He began the husband and father I always wanted but he just never stopped drinking. I thought if we were in a good place the drinking would stop but it never did. It just got worse. He started distancing himself from me and the children. I've gotten angry and bitter because I always felt he chose the alcohol over me.
In the last 2 months he's fallen off the deep end. He drinks whenever he's not working. He says that I make him so miserable that he has to drink. He says if he wasn't with me he wouldn't need to drink. He can't stand to be with the kids for more than 5 minutes because they drive him crazy. He's also having another affair.
I know I make him unhappy because I'm so frustrated with the constant drinking and verbal abuse when he does drink that I've become a person I never thought I would.
He keeps saying he's gonna leave and never does. Usually I beg him to stay but not last night I told him just to leave. Then he says he'll get help for the alcohol and marriage counseling because he doesn't want to leave. However tonight he says he wants a drink before coming home because he doesn't want to here sober because I'm such a miserable person. Do I let stay so long as he gets help or do I give up and kick him out because clearly he's not committed to getting well for himself? Thanks for reading!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Welcome to SR.
Sounds like a cycle of abuse & alcoholism.
He is blaming you for his drinking & yes you are miserable & who wouldn't be putting up with that.
If he isn't going to get help by seeking recovery then it's best to leave.
You to focus on yourself now because his drinking has latered the person you are.
Many of us here have been through or going through the same & there is a lot of support here for you.
I found reading & learning as much as I could on alcoholism & sticking with SR has helped a lot.
Sounds like a cycle of abuse & alcoholism.
He is blaming you for his drinking & yes you are miserable & who wouldn't be putting up with that.
If he isn't going to get help by seeking recovery then it's best to leave.
You to focus on yourself now because his drinking has latered the person you are.
Many of us here have been through or going through the same & there is a lot of support here for you.
I found reading & learning as much as I could on alcoholism & sticking with SR has helped a lot.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello vnoell, Welcome to SR!
I'm so glad you found us. This is a great place for support and information. Believe me when I say "You are not alone!". So many of our members have been exactly where you are now.
One really important thing I've learned is that I'm not powerful enough to cause someone to drink....if I could do that, I'd be powerful enough to get them to stop. I'm not, and neither are you. So please don't believe your husband when he tells you that you are the reason for his drinking.
In order to protect yourself and your children, you might want to consider putting some strong boundaries in place when it comes to your husband. This thread I found very helpful in my early days at SoberRecovery.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html
It's a shame, but sadly not entirely unexpected, that your husband has been so affected by being raised in the home of an active alcoholic. If you would like to learn more about how children (even your own children) carry this into adulthood, you might want to read the threads in our forum for 'Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents'.
Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Please make yourself comfortable here. Read as many of the threads as you can, it really helps to learn as much about alcoholism as possible. The 'stickies' at the very top of this forum especially contain some valuable, basic information.
Welcome, again!!! HG
I'm so glad you found us. This is a great place for support and information. Believe me when I say "You are not alone!". So many of our members have been exactly where you are now.
One really important thing I've learned is that I'm not powerful enough to cause someone to drink....if I could do that, I'd be powerful enough to get them to stop. I'm not, and neither are you. So please don't believe your husband when he tells you that you are the reason for his drinking.
In order to protect yourself and your children, you might want to consider putting some strong boundaries in place when it comes to your husband. This thread I found very helpful in my early days at SoberRecovery.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html
It's a shame, but sadly not entirely unexpected, that your husband has been so affected by being raised in the home of an active alcoholic. If you would like to learn more about how children (even your own children) carry this into adulthood, you might want to read the threads in our forum for 'Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents'.
Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Please make yourself comfortable here. Read as many of the threads as you can, it really helps to learn as much about alcoholism as possible. The 'stickies' at the very top of this forum especially contain some valuable, basic information.
Welcome, again!!! HG
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I am so sorry for what brought you here, but so glad that you found Sober Recovery.
I actually started dealing with my husband's addiction when he had an affair. The alcohol had always been an issue in our marriage, but I did not get any support until the affair happened.
I found the three C's as we call them in Al-anon really helpful (for both). It took me a bit to understand them though
I did not Cause this
I cannot Control this
I cannot Cure this.
Please keep posting, and take care of you. I found Al-Anon has helped me heal from both (it is a group for family and friends of alcoholics).
I actually started dealing with my husband's addiction when he had an affair. The alcohol had always been an issue in our marriage, but I did not get any support until the affair happened.
I found the three C's as we call them in Al-anon really helpful (for both). It took me a bit to understand them though
I did not Cause this
I cannot Control this
I cannot Cure this.
Please keep posting, and take care of you. I found Al-Anon has helped me heal from both (it is a group for family and friends of alcoholics).
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Omgsh. I feel for you. Agree with rosiepetal.
I once read an article that really I believe spoke true...it was about how cheating is a form of abuse.
So when we think about that ...that cheating is abusive, that name calling and put downs are also abusive.
That he is abusing himself and your family by the continued drinking then we can for surely say that he is the miserable one causing you pain.....is this him mirroring or just being an abusive d***?
Thats another great question to ask.....do I kick him out or do I stay?
You will scratch your head wondering what you should do and what the answer to his problem.....the problem he so clearly has.
Well boundaries. ...
Its unacceptable for him to treat you and uour children this way....he needs cause and effect.
So far what it sounds like is he does....you let h do.
Theres no consequences. Set boundaries for yourself as nd follow through no one should have to go through the emotional abuse as you have...as far as leaving....you know that answer
I once read an article that really I believe spoke true...it was about how cheating is a form of abuse.
So when we think about that ...that cheating is abusive, that name calling and put downs are also abusive.
That he is abusing himself and your family by the continued drinking then we can for surely say that he is the miserable one causing you pain.....is this him mirroring or just being an abusive d***?
Thats another great question to ask.....do I kick him out or do I stay?
You will scratch your head wondering what you should do and what the answer to his problem.....the problem he so clearly has.
Well boundaries. ...
Its unacceptable for him to treat you and uour children this way....he needs cause and effect.
So far what it sounds like is he does....you let h do.
Theres no consequences. Set boundaries for yourself as nd follow through no one should have to go through the emotional abuse as you have...as far as leaving....you know that answer
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
i'm so sorry you are going through this.
the only thing I keep thinking , is get out and save yourself.
I'm sorry, that's probably not very helpful.
He sounds like a bully and a monster.
Can you go back to your parents???
the only thing I keep thinking , is get out and save yourself.
I'm sorry, that's probably not very helpful.
He sounds like a bully and a monster.
Can you go back to your parents???
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
Vnoell,
I'm so sorry for what you are going through, especially with 6 children. You are not alone. We are here for you and we get it. I can't say what the right move is for you right now in terms of kicking him out or leaving. What I can say, is the answer will likely come more easily when you start taking care of yourself and stop putting all of your energy into him. You can't control his drinking.
What is best for you and your children is priority right now. You can't depend on him as long as he is an active A and not seeking a recovery program. It's on you now to take care of you and your kiddos - regardless of the consequences or negative impacts your A may feel. Those are the consequences of his behavior - likely consequences that you've been shielding him from.
I wish you strength in this difficult time - sending you hugs.
MamaKit
I'm so sorry for what you are going through, especially with 6 children. You are not alone. We are here for you and we get it. I can't say what the right move is for you right now in terms of kicking him out or leaving. What I can say, is the answer will likely come more easily when you start taking care of yourself and stop putting all of your energy into him. You can't control his drinking.
What is best for you and your children is priority right now. You can't depend on him as long as he is an active A and not seeking a recovery program. It's on you now to take care of you and your kiddos - regardless of the consequences or negative impacts your A may feel. Those are the consequences of his behavior - likely consequences that you've been shielding him from.
I wish you strength in this difficult time - sending you hugs.
MamaKit
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
If you take you and the kids out of the equation he will still drink and he will still be miserable. You don't make him miserable, alcohol makes him miserable he just doesn't see that or chooses not to.
Unless he decides to get help because he WANTS it I don't think your situation will change.
Sorry you are going through this
Unless he decides to get help because he WANTS it I don't think your situation will change.
Sorry you are going through this
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 76
I really feel for you because my fiancé is in the same boat. I just wanted to point out though: it saddened me to read when you said "I make him unhappy." Girl, he makes himself unhappy. Not you. That kind of thinking has not served me well in the past and it is not true.
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