Trying to understand
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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Trying to understand
Hi I am new here and hope I am posting in the right place! I was married for 13 years to alcoholic/ crack/ heroin addict. We have 3 beautiful children together. We have been divorced now for 3 years. I lived in utter darkness walking on eggshells for so long.....the emotional toll and the emotional abuse finally became too much to live with. I left the marriage to save us all. I also hoped my ex would hit his bottom. He had been to rehab once and immediately started using again as well as carrying on an affair with a women from the rehab. I thought my leaving would be enough......it wasn't...he continued to use for 2 more years. Barely having any contact with our children. Any contact was usually a ploy to hook me into giving him money. I was so supportive all those years desperate to help him in any way possibly. Desperate for him to keep the promises he made. It has since been one year of him being clean. During that year he made very little contact with us.....always speaking of himself and what he was doing to stay clean....90 day inpatient, sober house, now in an apt. He wrote letters of apology asked me to go to coffee a few times but never really made attempt to enter back into my or our children's lives. He text the kids a few times a week. Never makes plans for visits. He finally got a job 3 months ago. After being clean 7 months he started a relationship with another woman.....???? So I am trying to understand why he says he is working so hard to stay clean, get a job, start paying child support.....and his life is so hard..... Yet he has not done any work to repair the damage in our relationships but has gone on to form a new loving relationship. It is so painful....it is like he left us again. I never wanted a divorce it was just no other way to save myself and children. He says he has so much compassion for me and is sorry but never tried to come back for us. Most upsetting is the other day my son was very honest with him and said he didn't want to visit with him he wasn't ready. His father was so vicious saying " fine I might not be here when you are ready....and u r a disrespectful punk, a cry baby ass and should get over it , i am so tired if saying sorry to you all..".... I don't understand how you can be in recovery and behave that way to your own child?? Please send me any insight. . Desperately trying to understand....desperately trying to do the right thing.
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Hi and welcome. Im sorry for the trauma that your husband has caused you. What he said to your son is absolutely horrible. He is a sick sick man. Your children are lucky to have you to protect them from him.
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Join Date: May 2005
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I want to welcome you, too, and am also sorry for your pain and your situation. No child deserves to go through that.
My ex husband was a crack addict that got sober. Unfortunately, his sobriety do not coincide with decent treatment of me. I ended up leaving him because of the deep damage that he caused me, our relationship, and my children from another marriage.
I continue to hold out hope (at times) that he will see the light and "get it" what all he has done. My ex intermittantly moves on with other women but resurfaces from time to time.
My perspective that is that it is daunting to consider what it would take to reconcile and make amends. In recovery programs they talk about making amends except for when it might damage the other person....trying to wade through the pain of active addiction, being with others (on his part), etc. would try the best of circumstances.
I hope that you've participated in Alanon or Naranon for you. It helps to heal some of those wounds and to better understand that what you are going through with him now is not rejection of you and your children. Perhaps he is lacking the skills for true intimacy and that is why he has not returned back to your family.
I know that it hurts but sometimes rejection is actually protection. In the long run, I bet that you and your kids are better off out of this situation. I know it's hard on all of you.
My ex husband was a crack addict that got sober. Unfortunately, his sobriety do not coincide with decent treatment of me. I ended up leaving him because of the deep damage that he caused me, our relationship, and my children from another marriage.
I continue to hold out hope (at times) that he will see the light and "get it" what all he has done. My ex intermittantly moves on with other women but resurfaces from time to time.
My perspective that is that it is daunting to consider what it would take to reconcile and make amends. In recovery programs they talk about making amends except for when it might damage the other person....trying to wade through the pain of active addiction, being with others (on his part), etc. would try the best of circumstances.
I hope that you've participated in Alanon or Naranon for you. It helps to heal some of those wounds and to better understand that what you are going through with him now is not rejection of you and your children. Perhaps he is lacking the skills for true intimacy and that is why he has not returned back to your family.
I know that it hurts but sometimes rejection is actually protection. In the long run, I bet that you and your kids are better off out of this situation. I know it's hard on all of you.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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Thank you for your kind words. We have been through lots! Of therapy. And I believe we have made tremendous growth. My children are thriving in school and participate in competitive sports. We have strong supportive family and friends. Somehow it doesn't always ease the pain. My mind and heart always go back to what we could have been. I always try to see his perspective show him compassion patience tolerance......yet he always seems to disappoint.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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So I am trying to understand why he says he is working so hard to stay clean, get a job, start paying child support.....and his life is so hard..... Yet he has not done any work to repair the damage in our relationships but has gone on to form a new loving relationship. It is so painful....it is like he left us again. I never wanted a divorce it was just no other way to save myself and children. He says he has so much compassion for me and is sorry but never tried to come back for us. Most upsetting is the other day my son was very honest with him and said he didn't want to visit with him he wasn't ready. His father was so vicious saying " fine I might not be here when you are ready....and u r a disrespectful punk, a cry baby ass and should get over it , i am so tired if saying sorry to you all..".... I don't understand how you can be in recovery and behave that way to your own child?? Please send me any insight. . Desperately trying to understand....desperately trying to do the right thing.
I highlighted this part of your post because I'm not sure if you're fully aware of what's going on with him. You're assuming that he's gone on to another loving relationship, and I'm not so sure about that.
See, in the early stages of any romantic relationship, it's really a honeymoon. You're on your best behavior and you have a lot of sex. Addicts, by their nature, operate at an emotional deficit, especially if they're either still using or aren't truly in recovery. They don't have a lot to give. But on a superficial level, they can get by for a while, and let's face it, banging the snot out of someone isn't about being responsible. It's about tickling the pleasure center, something that all addicts love.
Compare that to actually being responsible to a spouse. Or children. Addicts that are active or not in recovery simply aren't capable of being a responsible life partner or a responsible parent. They don't have it in them. And in order to be able to do that, they have to first be willing to go through a lot of self examination that ultimately leads them to be accountable to themselves. They have to own up to their bulls**t. They have to take responsibility for their behavior. And that can, and often does, take years. You'll find people on this board who are in recovery from drugs and/or alcohol, and the work they've had to do is nothing sort of incredible.
So then the question really becomes how can you expect someone that doesn't accept responsibility to be a responsible spouse or parent? The answer: you can't. If he were truly, truly serious about his recovery, he wouldn't strike up something new only after 7 months of clean time. The reason why he teed off on your son is because he knows, deep down, that's he's failed as a parent and doesn't want to admit that to himself because it's too damn hard and scary to look at that failure. So it's easier to deflect.
What can you do? Accept that your AXH is where he is, and will do whatever he wants, whenever he wants. Give him over to God. And after that, tell and show your children every day that you love them. Protect them, for they don't truly, truly understand what's going on here. And then, work on healing yourself. Al Anon/Nar Naon meetings are a very good way to start that process.
Best of luck to you and let us know how you're doing. And Seasons Greetings.
Best,
ZoSo
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
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((Journey)) - Welcome to SR, though I am sorry for what has brougth you here
FWIW, I'm both a recovering crack addict, as well as a recovering codie (codependent) who still has loved ones who are A's (addicts/alcoholics).
It doesn't sound like your ex is embracing recovery, he's just "clean". There is a HUGE difference. I did the "just clean" part for better than a year, relapsed, and finally hit my bottom.
I am SO glad that you are taking care of you and the kids. They need one parent who is grounded, doesn't offer BS or empty promises, and it sounds like they have that in you
One of the greatest things I learned from this forum, is to go by the actions, not by the words. We A's are great at "talking the talk" but fall short of "walking the walk" until we are truly in recovery.
Your ex is good at "talking the talk" but his actions say otherwise. Your kids will figure this out in time. My niece, who I helped raise, has a "dad" who's an A. We never spoke bad about him, but we were honest. She finally figured out that he was all talk, and is grateful for those of us who were honest, put her first, and that did include me. She went through my addiction, which I hate, but she's one of my greatest supporters. Her "dad" and I have the same addiction, and she once told him "my aunt Amy got HER **** together, WTF is YOUR problem?!?!?!"
I hope you keep reading and posting. You may also want to check out al-anon or nar-anon meetings. It's like having the people here, only f2f, and that's pretty awesome.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
FWIW, I'm both a recovering crack addict, as well as a recovering codie (codependent) who still has loved ones who are A's (addicts/alcoholics).
It doesn't sound like your ex is embracing recovery, he's just "clean". There is a HUGE difference. I did the "just clean" part for better than a year, relapsed, and finally hit my bottom.
I am SO glad that you are taking care of you and the kids. They need one parent who is grounded, doesn't offer BS or empty promises, and it sounds like they have that in you
One of the greatest things I learned from this forum, is to go by the actions, not by the words. We A's are great at "talking the talk" but fall short of "walking the walk" until we are truly in recovery.
Your ex is good at "talking the talk" but his actions say otherwise. Your kids will figure this out in time. My niece, who I helped raise, has a "dad" who's an A. We never spoke bad about him, but we were honest. She finally figured out that he was all talk, and is grateful for those of us who were honest, put her first, and that did include me. She went through my addiction, which I hate, but she's one of my greatest supporters. Her "dad" and I have the same addiction, and she once told him "my aunt Amy got HER **** together, WTF is YOUR problem?!?!?!"
I hope you keep reading and posting. You may also want to check out al-anon or nar-anon meetings. It's like having the people here, only f2f, and that's pretty awesome.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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Thank you both for your insight! I wish I came here sooner......instead of spinning in my own head. You see I always try to take his perspective and have compassion for the difficult path he is on. I think I just realized that even now I continue to enable him. Hmm?? I hear his voice and believe his words and allow him more time. More time to pay support more time to work on himself. Not to mention I don't ever want him to get angry at me....(I'm sure you know what that can be like)
I have always been honest with my kids. They r 19,14,and 12 and I can see already they question his actions. In some ways they see more clearly than I do. Thank you for stressing actions and taking responsibility....this is the one area he puts me off balance. I doubt my gut and keep hoping on his words.
I have always been honest with my kids. They r 19,14,and 12 and I can see already they question his actions. In some ways they see more clearly than I do. Thank you for stressing actions and taking responsibility....this is the one area he puts me off balance. I doubt my gut and keep hoping on his words.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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I think Zoso just hit a home run here with everything he has said.
In my experience I have dealt with tons of rejection from my partner. Anytime my ex ever went to a male/female rehab she always brought someone home. They'd either step back into the world holding hands and attempt recovery together or down the line some other guy from AA would always surface.
I used to get furious. How could she start something new, just leave me here handling responsibility after responsibility?
I eventually concluded that she was irresponsible, and over time watched one relationship after another fail miserably.
Today If ever I see her with another man, or when she makes it obvious to me that there is another man in her life, I have a thought placed aside for myself. I say, "Good luck buddy, you're gonna need it" then move on with my day
In my experience I have dealt with tons of rejection from my partner. Anytime my ex ever went to a male/female rehab she always brought someone home. They'd either step back into the world holding hands and attempt recovery together or down the line some other guy from AA would always surface.
I used to get furious. How could she start something new, just leave me here handling responsibility after responsibility?
I eventually concluded that she was irresponsible, and over time watched one relationship after another fail miserably.
Today If ever I see her with another man, or when she makes it obvious to me that there is another man in her life, I have a thought placed aside for myself. I say, "Good luck buddy, you're gonna need it" then move on with my day
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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Lol...thanks for putting a smile on my face. It is my first experience with axh dating....I guess I am all caught up in she is the "one" and I wasn't.
Zoso's post was very helpful and comforting. Glad I came here!
Zoso's post was very helpful and comforting. Glad I came here!
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Welcome to SR but as always I am sorry for what brought you here.
You and your kids sound a lot better off without him. He sounds very abusive! Where is the humility?? Where is the spirituality?? Doesn't sound like he has really embraced recovery or maybe he is just not there yet....but no need to hold your breath.
Often times - you can take the drugs out of the addict and you are still stuck with the addict which is not always a good thing.
You and the kids deserve so much better. He is now someone else's problem, good luck to her.
You and your kids sound a lot better off without him. He sounds very abusive! Where is the humility?? Where is the spirituality?? Doesn't sound like he has really embraced recovery or maybe he is just not there yet....but no need to hold your breath.
Often times - you can take the drugs out of the addict and you are still stuck with the addict which is not always a good thing.
You and the kids deserve so much better. He is now someone else's problem, good luck to her.
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Originally Posted by Journey2 
` His father was so vicious saying " fine I might not be here when you are ready....and u r a disrespectful punk, a cry baby ass and should get over it , i am so tired if saying sorry to you all..".... I don't understand how you can be in recovery and behave that way to your own child?? Please send me any insight. . Desperately trying to understand....desperately trying to do the right thing.
Sincere wishes for peace to all.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by Journey2
Lol...thanks for putting a smile on my face. It is my first experience with axh dating....I guess I am all caught up in she is the "one" and I wasn't.Zoso's post was very helpful and comforting. Glad I came here!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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Originally Posted by drc5426
I think Zoso just hit a home run here with everything he has said.
In my experience I have dealt with tons of rejection from my partner. Anytime my ex ever went to a male/female rehab she always brought someone home. They'd either step back into the world holding hands and attempt recovery together or down the line some other guy from AA would always surface.
I used to get furious. How could she start something new, just leave me here handling responsibility after responsibility?
I eventually concluded that she was irresponsible, and over time watched one relationship after another fail miserably.
Today If ever I see her with another man, or when she makes it obvious to me that there is another man in her life, I have a thought placed aside for myself. I say, "Good luck buddy, you're gonna need it" then move on with my day
In my experience I have dealt with tons of rejection from my partner. Anytime my ex ever went to a male/female rehab she always brought someone home. They'd either step back into the world holding hands and attempt recovery together or down the line some other guy from AA would always surface.
I used to get furious. How could she start something new, just leave me here handling responsibility after responsibility?
I eventually concluded that she was irresponsible, and over time watched one relationship after another fail miserably.
Today If ever I see her with another man, or when she makes it obvious to me that there is another man in her life, I have a thought placed aside for myself. I say, "Good luck buddy, you're gonna need it" then move on with my day
ZoSo
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 27
I am deeply saddened to say that I allowed my beautiful boy to be emotionally abused for far too long by AXH. I have realized through lots of therapy that i did the best I could at the time and as soon as I knew better I took steps to remove him from our home. Nonetheless the wounds were already there. I foolishly thought that AXH was far enough in his recovery(based on his words) that he would be respectful and understanding of his sons feelings of not wanting to spend time with him. Honestly AXH hasn't done any work to repair the relationship during his year of sobriety. Well he didn't....I feel like I fed my son to the lions. My son was very emotional yelling crying it felt like we were back when was 7 years old again. Amazingly my son has more insight than I do at times. We talked and he told me his father is immature and still has a lot of work todo. Out if the mouthes of babes!
He is 14 so "talking" for any length of time isn't really an option. I just affirmed that he had every right not to want to see his father and that he told him in an honest compassionate way. He told his father he was proud of him for quitting drugs and he loved him but he wasn't ready to be with him. I also explained that his fathers response was not his fault it was based on his own feelings of anger or struggle with the pain he caused to our family. I just keep talking honestly to my kids and affirming how proud I am of who they r becoming. I hope it works! I think I need to take my own advice.
He is 14 so "talking" for any length of time isn't really an option
. I just affirmed that he had every right not to want to see his father and that he told him in an honest compassionate way. He told his father he was proud of him for quitting drugs and he loved him but he wasn't ready to be with him. I also explained that his fathers response was not his fault it was based on his own feelings of anger or struggle with the pain he caused to our family. I just keep talking honestly to my kids and affirming how proud I am of who they r becoming. I hope it works! I think I need to take my own advice. Member
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Location: Atlanta
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((journey)) - as you said, you did the best with what you knew. It's hard, when we know better, to realize what we have done in the past
I can tell you that I was instrumental in the raising of my niece. Yes, I was "out there" on drugs for a part of the time. Her mom died in a car wreck when she was only one, her "bio-dad" is an A who has manipulated her, and has been locked up for a better part of her life.
Long story short, she wants nothing to do with her bio-dad (she has learned that actions speak louder than words) and she tells him "my aunt Amy got clean of drugs, WTF is YOUR problem?!?!"
I'm not perfect, I've made mistakes. Once I got into recovery for both addiction and codependency (have several loved ones who are A's) I made it my goal to be a good role model. I can't undo what I did in the past, but I can show my niece what it truly means to be in recovery.
Kids absorb a lot, but I do feel that they know when someone is doing "right" versus "wrong" and I never had to say a bad word about her "bio-dad"...she figure it out on her own.
Keep walking YOUR path, and I believe it will be the best thing. A kid will never admit that they need someone who is stable, but they do. I found that out when my niece told me "I know you will always have my back, as long as I'm doing right".
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I can tell you that I was instrumental in the raising of my niece. Yes, I was "out there" on drugs for a part of the time. Her mom died in a car wreck when she was only one, her "bio-dad" is an A who has manipulated her, and has been locked up for a better part of her life.
Long story short, she wants nothing to do with her bio-dad (she has learned that actions speak louder than words) and she tells him "my aunt Amy got clean of drugs, WTF is YOUR problem?!?!"
I'm not perfect, I've made mistakes. Once I got into recovery for both addiction and codependency (have several loved ones who are A's) I made it my goal to be a good role model. I can't undo what I did in the past, but I can show my niece what it truly means to be in recovery.
Kids absorb a lot, but I do feel that they know when someone is doing "right" versus "wrong" and I never had to say a bad word about her "bio-dad"...she figure it out on her own.
Keep walking YOUR path, and I believe it will be the best thing. A kid will never admit that they need someone who is stable, but they do. I found that out when my niece told me "I know you will always have my back, as long as I'm doing right".
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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I have often come here in the past three years and read many posts/ stickies. I was always afraid to post anything.....somehow thought my struggle was unique or different. Was scared no one would respond.....
I am so grateful I took the chance.......It is nice to share and to hear from others who have been on such a similar journey.
Blessings to you all
I am so grateful I took the chance.......It is nice to share and to hear from others who have been on such a similar journey.
Blessings to you all
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