Tables Turned
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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Tables Turned
After last night and S having to make the decision not to go out with friends and to stay on his road to recovery, we talked over lunch today.
I explained how worried I was and how much fear I had that he was going to go out and drink.
He said, "Mom, you really need to go to Al-Anon". He went on to tell me how much it would help me and that I should make that a priority. I told him I checked and there wasn't one here and he said that there is one and even told me when they meet and where. I think some people from his AA group has family that goes to the meetings.
I never thought it would be him trying to convince me to get help.
I explained how worried I was and how much fear I had that he was going to go out and drink.
He said, "Mom, you really need to go to Al-Anon". He went on to tell me how much it would help me and that I should make that a priority. I told him I checked and there wasn't one here and he said that there is one and even told me when they meet and where. I think some people from his AA group has family that goes to the meetings.
I never thought it would be him trying to convince me to get help.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Dear BlueSkiesAgain, here is my particular take on this. Well, technically he is correct that alanon can be of considerable help in turning our main focus away from the alcoholic and onto ourselves. But I doubt that his suggestion arises, purely, out of any superior wisdom or heightened awareness of what collateral damage their drinking has done to family members--especially since he is only 22yrs. old. The 22yr. old male HATES--and, I mean, truly hates any expectation placed on them by the parent for an expected (or wished for) behaviors. It doesn't matter, even, if that expectation is in the youngster's best interest. In addition, it is resented even more if the expected behavior gets between the youngster and their greatest desire---to drink. They will see you as the aggressor. It is part of their dependence/independence conflict (yet, unresolved).
So, don't go thinking that he is one bit smarter than you!!!
I'm just saying.........
dandylion
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Dear BlueSkies, I don't at all want to minimize your son's helpfulness--his suggestion is clearly helpful and a blessing--10min. away.
I was just adding my 2cents about certain developmental issues between parent and young adult children.
sincerely, dandylion
I was just adding my 2cents about certain developmental issues between parent and young adult children.
sincerely, dandylion
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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Dandylion - I understand your point. Unfortunately, with this disease sometimes we forget the good in our alcoholic. As for my son and many of the other 20 something alcoholics they not only have the problems associated with the addictions but also the normal growing pains merging into adult hood.
Also, although many characteristics are similar in addicts each is an individual and the personal traits can be very different. I know the spirit that my son shared the information and it wasn't to manipulate me but to say that he understands his addiction has affected the family and especially me and he thinks I would benefit from al-anon.
Please know that no offense was taken and I know that every thing that is said is said in love.
Also, although many characteristics are similar in addicts each is an individual and the personal traits can be very different. I know the spirit that my son shared the information and it wasn't to manipulate me but to say that he understands his addiction has affected the family and especially me and he thinks I would benefit from al-anon.
Please know that no offense was taken and I know that every thing that is said is said in love.
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Originally Posted by dandylion 
Dear BlueSkiesAgain, here is my particular take on this. Well, technically he is correct that alanon can be of considerable help in turning our main focus away from the alcoholic and onto ourselves. But I doubt that his suggestion arises, purely, out of any superior wisdom or heightened awareness of what collateral damage their drinking has done to family members--especially since he is only 22yrs. old. The 22yr. old male HATES--and, I mean, truly hates any expectation placed on them by the parent for an expected (or wished for) behaviors. It doesn't matter, even, if that expectation is in the youngster's best interest. In addition, it is resented even more if the expected behavior gets between the youngster and their greatest desire---to drink. They will see you as the aggressor. It is part of their dependence/independence conflict (yet, unresolved).
So, don't go thinking that he is one bit smarter than you!!!
I'm just saying.........
dandylion
I have to agree from personal experience. ..I think lol
Ah said the same. I think thinking I wouldnt do it ad to say see you wont so why should I.
Ad then when I did he later said it was braiwashig etc.
But I duno for sure inless it was just quaking but it would make one think.
Maybe he is being sincere and maybe hes not...time tells truths
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Dear Blueskies, you are right---I wasn't actually there, and I do agree that each person is a unique personality.
I think I was identifying with what I had to learn from my sons---that they hate any kind of monitoring of their actions, etc. in the early adult years. I think I was sort of trying to "prepare" you, in advance, for any similar situations where you are "worried" about them. Maybe, being a little overprotective of you, since I went through so many painful interactions with my own---and I just didn't know some of the underlying dynamics at play-- that I have since learned.
I realize that it would be out of line for me to specifically question your son's intentions.
very sincerely, dandylion
I think I was identifying with what I had to learn from my sons---that they hate any kind of monitoring of their actions, etc. in the early adult years. I think I was sort of trying to "prepare" you, in advance, for any similar situations where you are "worried" about them. Maybe, being a little overprotective of you, since I went through so many painful interactions with my own---and I just didn't know some of the underlying dynamics at play-- that I have since learned.
I realize that it would be out of line for me to specifically question your son's intentions.
very sincerely, dandylion
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
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My RAS son told me in his SLE, the attitude was you didn't want your parents to go to alanon. They knew the jig was up, if their parents went and learned how to really deal with their addictions. Kind of like, "Oh, you're parents go to alanon- sorry to hear that." ;- )
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