Message of hope
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Portland OR
Posts: 280
Message of hope
A little over a year ago my husband who had been sober for 15 years had a hard relapse, and quickly descended into an insanity I'd never ever witnessed before. He went from a responsible, caring, gentle, respected, productive loving man to the fully narcissistic, cruel, self absorbed conniving manipulator that apparently was laying in wait just behind his decision to use.
It has been a particular form of hell for me....abandoning me and all our responsibilities literally the moment I drew the line that said "recovery or nothing, if you want to be here". He chose the latter...left home that day leaving me with all the bills, all our responsibilities and he never looked back.
It took a year and over $20,000 to finalize a divorce where he stalled in every way possible...said insane things to everyone concerned, called all my friends trying to find someone else that would manipulate me in his absence to get what he wanted. In the meantime...he lost his job (where two years prior had been the recipient of his company's highest award) he's lost every friend, his family walked away from him (they've seen this movie before) and he successfully added prescription drugs to his repertoire.
He emailed me, then called and talked to me on the phone yesterday, the first time in over a year we've had any contact at all. He asked if I'd be able to take a small cat he'd rescued last year, as he was entering detox and sober living for at least a year. I was shocked, to say the least. It brought an enormous amount of deep feelings up for me.
Here is what I've learned so far: my salvation came from getting involved with Al Anon RIGHT AWAY...the same day he left, to save myself. I'll be thankful every day of my life for this. I diligently tried to learn about the disease to gain knowlege and perspective. "Under the Influence" has saved my life in another way. It helped me deeply understand the biochemical nature of the disease that leads to the insanity that it is. This forum....I cannot thank all of you enough who reach out, continue to reach out...to help us find our way. Some of the most helpful, most benevolent loving insights came right from this forum. All of these things helped me find my own sanity, stand firm on my boundaries, and gradually, gradually, let go. There have been an ocean of tears.
I'll see him today...he's coming over to bring me the little cat so he can get into detox. My rage has given way to compassion, finally. I didn't want to see the little shelter cat go back to a shelter and I can easily take her in. I'm so thankful he's taken this step to try to save his own life...I know how much courage it takes and how much shame he's buried under. I also know this decision now to attempt recovery again has nothing to do with me any more than his decision to use in the first place. I wish him well...I hope he makes it...and none of that is up to me. My life goes on, with determination. I also made it out.
There is life after relapse. It's not easy. I'll post again after I see him to share how it went.....in the meantime, thank you all for all you've helped. Think good thoughts for both of us....
It has been a particular form of hell for me....abandoning me and all our responsibilities literally the moment I drew the line that said "recovery or nothing, if you want to be here". He chose the latter...left home that day leaving me with all the bills, all our responsibilities and he never looked back.
It took a year and over $20,000 to finalize a divorce where he stalled in every way possible...said insane things to everyone concerned, called all my friends trying to find someone else that would manipulate me in his absence to get what he wanted. In the meantime...he lost his job (where two years prior had been the recipient of his company's highest award) he's lost every friend, his family walked away from him (they've seen this movie before) and he successfully added prescription drugs to his repertoire.
He emailed me, then called and talked to me on the phone yesterday, the first time in over a year we've had any contact at all. He asked if I'd be able to take a small cat he'd rescued last year, as he was entering detox and sober living for at least a year. I was shocked, to say the least. It brought an enormous amount of deep feelings up for me.
Here is what I've learned so far: my salvation came from getting involved with Al Anon RIGHT AWAY...the same day he left, to save myself. I'll be thankful every day of my life for this. I diligently tried to learn about the disease to gain knowlege and perspective. "Under the Influence" has saved my life in another way. It helped me deeply understand the biochemical nature of the disease that leads to the insanity that it is. This forum....I cannot thank all of you enough who reach out, continue to reach out...to help us find our way. Some of the most helpful, most benevolent loving insights came right from this forum. All of these things helped me find my own sanity, stand firm on my boundaries, and gradually, gradually, let go. There have been an ocean of tears.
I'll see him today...he's coming over to bring me the little cat so he can get into detox. My rage has given way to compassion, finally. I didn't want to see the little shelter cat go back to a shelter and I can easily take her in. I'm so thankful he's taken this step to try to save his own life...I know how much courage it takes and how much shame he's buried under. I also know this decision now to attempt recovery again has nothing to do with me any more than his decision to use in the first place. I wish him well...I hope he makes it...and none of that is up to me. My life goes on, with determination. I also made it out.
There is life after relapse. It's not easy. I'll post again after I see him to share how it went.....in the meantime, thank you all for all you've helped. Think good thoughts for both of us....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Portland OR
Posts: 280
He didn't make it when he said he would....the excuse was that he needed more time to sell his car, communicate with creditors, ect. He thanked me for responding with kindness to him.
I'm at peace. I will post again, if he ever shows up.
I'm at peace. I will post again, if he ever shows up.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
prayers for him Ms. Grace and all who love him
I think one of the saddest things I have ever witnessed in my life is watching the light of recovery slowly die in the eyes of someone as it fades into the darkness of the death of the disease ~
I think one of the saddest things I have ever witnessed in my life is watching the light of recovery slowly die in the eyes of someone as it fades into the darkness of the death of the disease ~
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Portland OR
Posts: 280
Ok SR family....the rest of the story. It's been a couple of weeks and finally, yesterday I met with ex AH at the vet to take custody of the little cat. I had a no contact with him through the divorce, and he is prohibited from coming to my home from the police as he tried to break in awhile ago. This was the first time seeing him in over a year.
Ah...so many feelings. He's not a big man, but lost I'd guess 30 pounds. He was skin and bones...his skin all mottled red and white, he's lost most of his hair...slurring his words (I'm sure he was impaired). It's so heartbreaking. He did his best to carry on a normal conversation while we were in the exam room...but he struggled to put thoughts and words together. Here is a man that had everything, and literally lost everything. I got a sense of his overwhelming despair and loneliness...he doesn't have a soul in his life.
He said he's checking in at detox on Jan 3. He also has tickets to a concert that we used to go to every New Years Eve....he asked me to go with him! I thanked him, but told him I'd promised to spend the evening with a friend of mine who is having a hard time right now. I got the sense that he doesn't have another soul on earth he could ask.
I took the cat, put her in my car, and met him at his car to get her things. I gave him a hug...and told him I wish him the very best with this and hope he never has to do it again. He's such a broken man....absolutely out of options but to just die...or be successful at recovery.
As I drove home I cried. Remembering the delightful, caring person that used to be there before addiction took his life away.
Who can know if he will actually do the hard recovery work this time. Last time he chose not to do it, but was successful at not using for 15 years. I know his success or failure has nothing to do with me...but I can't help but feel deep compassion for the scope of human suffering that is addiction.
I hope this is the only experience I ever had at seeing addiction up close. It has changed me, as surely as it changed him. I want him to be successful, and figured if taking his much loved kitty could help him get to detox and rehab, I could do that. But beyond that there is not a thing I can do but to wish him well.
Ah...so many feelings. He's not a big man, but lost I'd guess 30 pounds. He was skin and bones...his skin all mottled red and white, he's lost most of his hair...slurring his words (I'm sure he was impaired). It's so heartbreaking. He did his best to carry on a normal conversation while we were in the exam room...but he struggled to put thoughts and words together. Here is a man that had everything, and literally lost everything. I got a sense of his overwhelming despair and loneliness...he doesn't have a soul in his life.
He said he's checking in at detox on Jan 3. He also has tickets to a concert that we used to go to every New Years Eve....he asked me to go with him! I thanked him, but told him I'd promised to spend the evening with a friend of mine who is having a hard time right now. I got the sense that he doesn't have another soul on earth he could ask.
I took the cat, put her in my car, and met him at his car to get her things. I gave him a hug...and told him I wish him the very best with this and hope he never has to do it again. He's such a broken man....absolutely out of options but to just die...or be successful at recovery.
As I drove home I cried. Remembering the delightful, caring person that used to be there before addiction took his life away.
Who can know if he will actually do the hard recovery work this time. Last time he chose not to do it, but was successful at not using for 15 years. I know his success or failure has nothing to do with me...but I can't help but feel deep compassion for the scope of human suffering that is addiction.
I hope this is the only experience I ever had at seeing addiction up close. It has changed me, as surely as it changed him. I want him to be successful, and figured if taking his much loved kitty could help him get to detox and rehab, I could do that. But beyond that there is not a thing I can do but to wish him well.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: ny/nj
Posts: 182
Wow! It really hurts to see someone you love fall so far and fast. I really do feel your pain. What a ******* this disease is!!!
I'm glad for your recovery, I hope you have good friends to support you. And you have a kitty
All the best for the new year.
I'm glad for your recovery, I hope you have good friends to support you. And you have a kitty
All the best for the new year.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Wow Grace. Your strength and grace in this situation is inspiring to me. You have obviously done a lot of hard work in your own recovery. Thanks for sharing your experience. I admire your compassion for your XAh while maintaining your own safe boundaries, I hope one day to have that same courage.
I'm also happy that little cat has a safe home.
I'm also happy that little cat has a safe home.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Portland OR
Posts: 280
Yes if I've learned anything is that we all must choose recovery. It's such a fundamental choice. Addiction untreated equals death. We choose recovery if we choose life.
I can't think of another time in my life I've been so heartbroken to see what a waste of a human life alcoholism has created. It's just gut wrenching. There is that part of me that wants to just comfort him, tell him he's not alone, but it's not me that can tell him that. I know if he can get in touch with his own soul, his own spirit, that is where he will ultimately find the comfort that won't leave him. But on the strictly human side...it's gut wrenching.
For me, I have to choose life. I want to look back at the end of my time here and know that my life has had meaning and purpose, that I contributed something, that I loved well, that life meant something. Only a solid comittment to recovery can provide that for either of us.
Thank you sincerely SR for all you provide here...this forum in my darkest days was a key pathway out. There is a thousand years of wisdom on these pages...and the compassionate hearts that come here to reach a hand out to help others who are suffering so. May this New Year bring recovery success to us all.
I can't think of another time in my life I've been so heartbroken to see what a waste of a human life alcoholism has created. It's just gut wrenching. There is that part of me that wants to just comfort him, tell him he's not alone, but it's not me that can tell him that. I know if he can get in touch with his own soul, his own spirit, that is where he will ultimately find the comfort that won't leave him. But on the strictly human side...it's gut wrenching.
For me, I have to choose life. I want to look back at the end of my time here and know that my life has had meaning and purpose, that I contributed something, that I loved well, that life meant something. Only a solid comittment to recovery can provide that for either of us.
Thank you sincerely SR for all you provide here...this forum in my darkest days was a key pathway out. There is a thousand years of wisdom on these pages...and the compassionate hearts that come here to reach a hand out to help others who are suffering so. May this New Year bring recovery success to us all.
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