Very weak today.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 28
Very weak today.
Could be the hormones, I am due with our third baby in just a few weeks. But today, I woke up, and just felt depressed. I am struggling.
AH wanted to come home about a week ago, was so full of promises. I told him no, of course. I am protecting our kids and myself. What is so hard is that he was kicked out of his mom's house, and has nowhere to go other than the drug dealer's house. I know that is where he is at now. And it breaks my heart worse than I ever thought it would.
It is sooo hard to watch someone go down so hard and not be able to help them at all.
I feel like I am grieving a death. Has anyone else felt this way? Everything just makes the tears flow like crazy. I feel like something is missing and it is just a gaping hole. I have the horrible fear he really will die, literally, if he starts using the meth again. And it is really sad and scary. I look at our kids and I just start bawling.
I wish he was okay. I wish he hadnt made all the decisions he made that have forced me to keep him away. I wish I could hold him and make him change...but that wouldnt happen. It wouldnt be enough and I know that.
This is just the hardest thing I have ever gone through.
I went through several weeks where it was as if the grieving was on hold because he would still attempt to call and text me occasionally. But now that the contact is truly cut off...the real grieving has arrived. It is very hard to deal with, even imagining giving birth alone is very difficult yet the day is approaching and I am forced to confront it.
I have always been a stay at home mom too, and after the baby is born that will no longer be a possibility. I am trying to focus on celebrating the positive instead of grieving all the negative, but my heart is saying No. I guess the grief must take its course.
AH wanted to come home about a week ago, was so full of promises. I told him no, of course. I am protecting our kids and myself. What is so hard is that he was kicked out of his mom's house, and has nowhere to go other than the drug dealer's house. I know that is where he is at now. And it breaks my heart worse than I ever thought it would.
It is sooo hard to watch someone go down so hard and not be able to help them at all.
I feel like I am grieving a death. Has anyone else felt this way? Everything just makes the tears flow like crazy. I feel like something is missing and it is just a gaping hole. I have the horrible fear he really will die, literally, if he starts using the meth again. And it is really sad and scary. I look at our kids and I just start bawling.
I wish he was okay. I wish he hadnt made all the decisions he made that have forced me to keep him away. I wish I could hold him and make him change...but that wouldnt happen. It wouldnt be enough and I know that.
This is just the hardest thing I have ever gone through.
I went through several weeks where it was as if the grieving was on hold because he would still attempt to call and text me occasionally. But now that the contact is truly cut off...the real grieving has arrived. It is very hard to deal with, even imagining giving birth alone is very difficult yet the day is approaching and I am forced to confront it.
I have always been a stay at home mom too, and after the baby is born that will no longer be a possibility. I am trying to focus on celebrating the positive instead of grieving all the negative, but my heart is saying No. I guess the grief must take its course.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 285
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I have felt the same feelings and it has been a grieving process for me. If I allow myself to stay in those thoughts they become overwhelming, so I do change my focus. For me, doing something with my boys brings me to a better place. I truly engage myself and even something as simple as baking a cake brings me to where I need to be. Seeing their unconditional love with just being able to have my undivided attention gets me where I need to be. The feelings don't just disappear, we need to focus our energy where we need to be. When all else fails, I clean or do some yoga. I can't imaging going through this while expecting a new miracle. I'm sure the fear of doing it alone is overwhelming. But, you need to keep the focus on you and your babies, that's all you can do. You and your family are in my prayers.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I think we've all experienced that feeling of grief. We can work toward controlling those feelings and they do tend to be worse some days. The more we dwell on it, the worse it becomes.
Thinking that an addict's only choice is to hang out with other addicts is a thought process that the addict would like us to believe. It isn't true though. They do have other options, they just don't like those other options. He was probably asked to leave his Mom's house because he was stomping all over her boundaries. Good for her for having the strength to ask him to leave. That's a really hard thing for a mother to do (believe me...it really is).
Hopefully this is just a bad day and tomorrow will be better for you. Allowing your husband to sit in his own discomfort may be the most loving thing you or his mother could do.....but he won't believe that. Keep taking care of you and the wee ones........and continue to allow your husband the dignity of facing down his demons.
Wish I could feel your belly and feel those little footsies kicking around. It's so very special.
Take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
Thinking that an addict's only choice is to hang out with other addicts is a thought process that the addict would like us to believe. It isn't true though. They do have other options, they just don't like those other options. He was probably asked to leave his Mom's house because he was stomping all over her boundaries. Good for her for having the strength to ask him to leave. That's a really hard thing for a mother to do (believe me...it really is).
Hopefully this is just a bad day and tomorrow will be better for you. Allowing your husband to sit in his own discomfort may be the most loving thing you or his mother could do.....but he won't believe that. Keep taking care of you and the wee ones........and continue to allow your husband the dignity of facing down his demons.
Wish I could feel your belly and feel those little footsies kicking around. It's so very special.
Take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...king-help.html I just finished reading for the second time posts from this link and find the messages so helpful. Maybe you might, too.
I hope the delivery of your baby goes well. Blessings to you and your family.
I hope the delivery of your baby goes well. Blessings to you and your family.
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