infantry11b

Looking into options that I never thought I'd do, I was an addict in my younger years and since I got out of the Army I have went back to self medicate, dealing with PTSD and the things I did are hard so I am considering a rehab ran by a VA center since I'm not just the ex-con typically junky, a combat vets situation is much more touchy so I need people who understand both sides. It has changed my...attitude, motivation, priorities.. and worst of all it's costing me my wife and daughter now. Without self medicating I'm miserable so beyond the drugs I turn into the not husband my wife met. They are my world.... so now I wiegh my options and keep looking into it. I'm so close to finishing college, I have/had an amazing wife and the most amazing ilittle girl ever. So now I sit and think..... but she may leave me either way. Do stop any questions I served 4 years, did 2 tours (Mosul an Bahquba) and was medically discharged for injuries in combat.

Dee74

Welcome infantry

I'm not a vet myself but you'll find a few other vets and PTSD sufferers here.

If you have the chance to go to a rehab, why not take it - it might be the turning point you need?

D

infantry11b

my biggest worry is my wife will leave either way, and if she does after I do all this what's the point? not to mention the VA will probably treat me like a con and take away what meds do help... I like coke, heroin, really any opiate and benzos.

infantry11b

lately just coke though, I'm afraid to sleep and dream.

ACT10Npack

Rehab maybe the best thing for you now if you can't stop taking coke. If the VA center will pay for you're rehab then even better. I don't think you want to go through life with abusing any drugs when you have kids. Don't worry too much about the wife leaving now because if you don't treat your addiction then will not help one bit.

nogard

Welcome to SR

infantry11b

so the best thing is just to do it for myself and daughter and forget my wifes anger/threats/etc? Yes the VA pays for it but I'm worried they will alter my disability or school benefits because they could say I'm crazy from drugs and it's not just PTSD and and addiction, I was clean off H for 2 years prior to the Army then clean my 4 in so I had 6 years under my belt but I started to lose it because VA docs just wanna hand you anti-depressants which make me purely emotionaless and give me ED bad. Long story short I got out got with the VA and they handed me 180 perc 10's for my leg injury every month... I thought with 6 years under my belt I was ok but an addicts and addicts, it led to numbing my bad feelings, running out early, then buying oxy or H of the street again. I swear opiate withdrawal gets worse every relapse. I haven't touched any opiates in 6 months now but instead I do a half ounce of coke once a week. being scared to sleep sucks, every anti dream drug I have had doesn't work and ambien just makes me wake up and eat up the kitchen.

infantry11b

thank you nogard.

Dee74

Maybe the point is taking care of yourself?

I never though much of myself either - recovery gave me back my self esteem - and made me a better person and partner too.

I appreciate you want to save your marriage - none of us all have a crystal ball but not getting clean certainly won't save your marriage, y'know?

Whatever happens, not getting clean is a complete dead end, man.

Addictions not about being a criminal - it's not a character defect.
Look around. We're all good decent ordinary people

I think you're letting your fear run away with you a little.

You're not the first vet to have substance abuse problems infantry - I know from posts here the VA is very experienced dealing with cases like yours and in treating their patients with the dignity and care they deserve.

D

nogard

All 23 years of my using tell me using only makes things worse

It takes away my freedom choices get me locked up in jails and aslyums, kills me, tells me to use again when I am revived aand then tells me what an ass I am when I use.

It strips me of all hope and dignity.

Getting clean and stopping took some courage and effort, learning to live clean and doing it is ongoing but is so worth it.

Glad your here. Where here with you.

infantry11b

thank you again nogard, this is what I need before I contact the VA and set something up. Do you think giving my mental health inpatient is where I should be?

nogard

I think thats something to discuss with your doctor and counsellors. I find I need to do a sanity check on many of my decisions

Dee74

There was no going back for me initially because my alcoholism literally nearly killed me.

When I faced the stark choice quit or die, I quit.

Nowadays, nearly 6 years on, there's still no going back for me - I'm not scared of dying anymore but I really like the man I've become and the sober life I've made.

Like I said I'm ordinary decent guy....but addiction screwed me up....I led a pretty degenerate life when I was in active addiction - I despised myself and the things I did.

I like being able to look myself in the face in the mirror again and know I'm doing good things with my life.

I drank for 20 years - I drank all day everyday for the last 5 years...I'd dug a deep hole...it took a little time for me to climb back up to the sun again...

your mileage may vary but by 3 months I felt almost normal...but 6 months I was moving forward....by the end of the first year I knew I wasn't ever going back.

I can't give you parenting advice - I'm not a parent - but I'm sure others will chime in.

My apologies - somehow I've lost one of your posts :

Not sure what I did or whether it's the site.... but it's time for me to log off for the day - but its good to have you here infantry...I'll see you round

D

infantry11b

thank you for the hope, Veterans Village of San Diego (google it I cannot post links yet) this is the place I am considering, they talk about a year treatment but if you go thru they cover every aspect of addiction and ptsd and coping with illicit drugs, they have employment programs, monitored low income apartments... seems like just the place I need, anyone else care to look and gimme their 2 cents on this place?

And night dee, thanks again.