ebrahimv

Hey! I don't remember if anyone can recall me posting something a while ago about visiting my ex boyfriend after he had started using after we broke up. We dated for 2 1/2 years and maintained contact with each other. It's still like a roller coaster where he will hate me for a few hours and talk to me like nothing is wrong the next few hours. I still decide to visit him and this is how it went. We talked about his life and my life and I didn't try to push him into anything I just listened, didn't try to argue, nothing. We talked for hours. I got there at 9 pm and was there til 3 am just talking. For the most part, it went well in the beginning til I was kicked out of his dorm at 3 am after I had driven there for 3 hours! I had to drive back and got back to my dorm at 6 am. From what he had told me before actually seeing him in person he had been using alcohol, weed, xanax, acid, coke, ecstacy, shrooms and who knows what else. From what I know, the only thing he hadn't done is inject himself with anything. Well everyone told me to wait and let him hit rock bottom and I was just wondering if anyone knows when rock bottom hits -_- When I saw him, I'm pretty sure he was sober at least I would think just because I don't know much about how people are on things I've never been surrounded by it. Actually he was high but I don't consider weed really anything bad because I believe it will be legal for all of United States someday. Anyways, he said he had cut down I don't know if I should believe it or not. I believe the city where he attends college made it worse(Santa Barbara) party city of course, and yesterday I got a phone call and he was barred out(xanax) and told me he has dropped college because he just "isn't happy in santa barbara" and that he was moving back home. I was hoping you guys could tell me moving back home means he has hit rock bottom and wants to start fresh again. I did talk to him about starting college again here at home and he said "school isn't for everyone. I got a job at a medical clinic(where they sell weed and what not) and that he'd be happy with that life. Any advice anyone could give me? I've been stressed out about this knowing I live in Irvine and attend a university and I can't do much to help, but any suggestions on what I can do to help or how to get him to realize he's already made huge progress by leaving Santa Barbara and coming home, but his next step should be college again!
Thank you, really appreciate all the help. Only an 18 year old trying to help someone else ruining his life.

ebrahimv

I should also add it's so hard to pretend to be okay in front of him. Hanging out with him there will be glimpse of the guy I fell in love with and other times he's like a stranger. I can't get myself to accept this when all 2 1/2 years we understood every little thing about each other, but now I don't even know he is other than those random minutes where I see the old him. It's been putting me on a roller coaster ride and it scares me that even though I'm in a university miles away I am constantly thinking about his health. I don't know what to do. There's nobody I can talk to. I can't let my family know this new side of him they would never let me talk to him again and I don't want my friends knowing more than they already know because they see it's hurting me and want me to stay away, but maybe I am codependent I feel so much guilt about the guy he's become. If only I got accepted to UCSB I would've been there with him while he attended SBCC and none of this would have happened, but because I only got into UCI distance made us break up and he turned into what he is. I hate it but there are nights where I sit and cry and just wonder if I got into UCSB I could've prevented this. Please help me I need the advice this is the only place I can get it and only place I feel comfortable talking about this

crazybabie

I am sorry your going through this addiction of someone you care for I am just gonna be honest here and this is not what your gonna want to hear. Everyone's rock bottom is different and sadly for some rock bottom is death. The fact that he is smoking weed even though you don't see it as bad means he is NOT working a recovery he is NOT done yet.

Many recovering addicts will tell you that they will not drink any alcohol nothing that clouds the mind it can jeopardize their recovery.

I am not sure I would even trust why he is leaving college.


Any advice anyone could give me?

Read and learn ALL you can about addiction, try Al-anon or Nar-anon for yourself. Post here and read the stickies at the top of the page especially What addicts do.


Only an 18 year old trying to help someone else ruining his life.
Hon, you CAN'T help him addiction is a progressive disease only He can help him.

YOU didn't cause it
You can't cure it
You can't control it

You can't love it out of him if you could none of us would be here.
Knowledge is Power.

ebrahimv

Thank you for your help. It's really nice getting other people's perspectives and opinions on everything. I know I just need to get myself to stop drowning myself with guilt. I need to accept none of this is my fault and only person that can help him is himself.

outtolunch

Alcohol and weed are gateway substances for addicts. This guy is not remotely done with drugs. He's living his life as he chooses to do. Are you?

Reed30

I understand what you are going through I left my ExABF a few months ago bc of his addiction. But in my situation I didn't know at all that he was using during our relationship. I found out bc he got arrested and that's when I learned.
I understand the guilt feeling, that's what I've been feeling since break up. He's going to rehab now and getting on the right track. I keep thinking of the good times the sweet him. Why didnt i stay with him and be there and support him? Well, it's bc he lied and his drugs were number one. he told me he never told me bc he didn't want to lose me. All the strange behaviors and moods and hurt I've gone through now looking back, not worth it.

Like others are saying he is going to use with or without you and stop when he wants.
Us being in these boys lives has no bearing, sounds weirds bc we loved them and they loved us. But this is how this disease works.

Stay strong and know you deserve to be happy and in a healthy relationship.
I keep telling myself and will tell you, don't feel guilty. you are a good person trying to help someone you care about. But there is only so much you can do. Take care of yourself!

ebrahimv

Thank you all for your opinions. I am going to do my best and try to just focus on myself and work on making myself better, because you're right I doubt he's done. Thanks again

Maylie

It is hard to say what his rock bottom is. For some it is jail, others it is being home less, others it is losing everyone because they can't put up with addiction anymore, for others it is overdosing, and for some..they never hit rock bottom no matter what happens.

He could have left college for millions of reasons, and you'll never know the true reason.

As for what you can do to help him, there isn't anything. He has to choose recovery and nothing anyone does or says will make him choose it. All you can do is do what is best for you and take care of yourself.

It also is up to him whether he goes to college back home or not. He needs to choose what he does with his life and you can't make decisions for him. He will live his life the way he wants to just as you get the dignity of living your life the way you want it.

You are young and in college. You have so much ahead of you. Don't let him hold you back or cause you stress. Try to concentrate on yourself and your well being.

ebrahimv

Yeah I know, it's time to worry about myself & my future. Thanks so much