Didn't see that coming
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Didn't see that coming
XABF cheated on his new girlfriend lastnight - with me!
WT....?
I'd just got into bed & the phone rung, it was him, he asked if I'd got his txt which I hadn't at that stage & asked him to tell me what it was about.
He said he wanted to come around no strings attached.
I said yes.
Quick story is he doesn't want me back, we had sex & he said if I tell anyone he'll burn my house down.
I'm not scared or worried.
If anything I think this did me some good. Why?
I am now so sure he would have cheated on me in our relationship.
I know he can't be in love with new girlfriend or why would he do that to her.
He has no respect for any women.
The burn the house down was a threat (which he'd probably do too) so that makes him a horrible person.
He used me last night but I too used him & now I really don't feel anything for him anymore so I think that's good.
And now when I bump into him & his ex/new girlfriend I can look at her & think "wow what a winner you have there girl - not!
I am sure he will wake up guilt ridden this morning & have to get drunk as a result.
I on the otherhand feel nothing, it was sex & that's all it was.
WT....?
I'd just got into bed & the phone rung, it was him, he asked if I'd got his txt which I hadn't at that stage & asked him to tell me what it was about.
He said he wanted to come around no strings attached.
I said yes.
Quick story is he doesn't want me back, we had sex & he said if I tell anyone he'll burn my house down.
I'm not scared or worried.
If anything I think this did me some good. Why?
I am now so sure he would have cheated on me in our relationship.
I know he can't be in love with new girlfriend or why would he do that to her.
He has no respect for any women.
The burn the house down was a threat (which he'd probably do too) so that makes him a horrible person.
He used me last night but I too used him & now I really don't feel anything for him anymore so I think that's good.
And now when I bump into him & his ex/new girlfriend I can look at her & think "wow what a winner you have there girl - not!
I am sure he will wake up guilt ridden this morning & have to get drunk as a result.
I on the otherhand feel nothing, it was sex & that's all it was.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 230
Wow....well I guess it just cemented for you exactly what type of person he is.
I fully agree with Laurie....get tested for every STD imaginable.
I'm not sure exactly what the extent of this is to you...but he threatened to burn the house down (and you think he would do it). He sounds rather unstable...don't compromise your safety so you can feel you have one up on him.
Take care.
I fully agree with Laurie....get tested for every STD imaginable.
I'm not sure exactly what the extent of this is to you...but he threatened to burn the house down (and you think he would do it). He sounds rather unstable...don't compromise your safety so you can feel you have one up on him.
Take care.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
Kinda makes me sad. Not even kinda.
Not judging from any moralistic point of view just thinking that you are worth more than that and deserve better and the threat is just scary.
Suggestion - next time you talk to him, assuming you even do, record every word. If he threatens you then file charges and go ask your DA for a protective order. Bullies need to be stood up to.
Not judging from any moralistic point of view just thinking that you are worth more than that and deserve better and the threat is just scary.
Suggestion - next time you talk to him, assuming you even do, record every word. If he threatens you then file charges and go ask your DA for a protective order. Bullies need to be stood up to.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
My dad always used to threaten to burn down the house if we crossed him. We didn't. He never did burn down the house. However his alkie buddy divorced his wife and the judge gave her the house and so he torched it and got away with it. The sorry nogoodnik was having an affair with a relative of mine while divorcing his wife of 30 years and post house burning he moved in with her.
It was really disgusting to listen to their drunken hee-haws about how they got "her" and the cops couldn't prove the arson. And we were just little scared kids caught in a horror house of crazy drunken people.
Girlfriend, do yourself a big favor. Change your phone number and lose that toxic nightmare.
It was really disgusting to listen to their drunken hee-haws about how they got "her" and the cops couldn't prove the arson. And we were just little scared kids caught in a horror house of crazy drunken people.
Girlfriend, do yourself a big favor. Change your phone number and lose that toxic nightmare.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Oh my gosh.
I really saw his dark side.
I can't say I shouldn't have done what I did because there is rather a few valuable lessons to be learned here for me.
I'm starting to feel like a complete fool now & feel like I've let my SR friends down when up until now I've been doing really well.
I really saw his dark side.
I can't say I shouldn't have done what I did because there is rather a few valuable lessons to be learned here for me.
I'm starting to feel like a complete fool now & feel like I've let my SR friends down when up until now I've been doing really well.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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I've told my best friend about the threat so at least if it was carried through she would know.
Unfortunately xabfs Mum just rung & is coming around to get the headgecutters I still have. I will not say a word & put my safety at risk.
Unfortunately xabfs Mum just rung & is coming around to get the headgecutters I still have. I will not say a word & put my safety at risk.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Originally Posted by Rosiepetal 
Oh my gosh.
I really saw his dark side.
I can't say I shouldn't have done what I did because there is rather a few valuable lessons to be learned here for me.
I'm starting to feel like a complete fool now & feel like I've let my SR friends down when up until now I've been doing really well.
I really saw his dark side.
I can't say I shouldn't have done what I did because there is rather a few valuable lessons to be learned here for me.
I'm starting to feel like a complete fool now & feel like I've let my SR friends down when up until now I've been doing really well.
It's a relapse, take the lessons from it and keep working your recovery.
xo
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Forgive me, but I couldn't help busting out laughing (at the situation) when I read your post, all I could think is now she knows what a creep he really is!!! He showed you who is really is !!!! And now you can truly believe him!!!!
((((hugs)))))
((((hugs)))))
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
He showed you what kind of person he is, but you helped him cheat on his gf, you're responsible for the act as well. No judgments here but I hope you keep him away for good, you don't need this drama in your life. It sounds dangerous, potentially violent and bad for your self-esteem.
((hugs))
((hugs))
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
We have all been there with an ex - all I can say is glad it left you with an icky feeling rather than wanting more 
. Probably not the last time you have heard from him so perhaps avoiding his phone calls would be the best option
You didn't let anybody down sweetie we are all human.
. Probably not the last time you have heard from him so perhaps avoiding his phone calls would be the best optionYou didn't let anybody down sweetie we are all human.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I'm starting to feel like a complete fool now & feel like I've let my SR friends down when up until now I've been doing really well.
You know what? SR isn't a Club For Perfectly Recovering People. There are no rules you have to abide by, no secret handshake, nobody to slap you for breaking any unwritten rules.
You learned something. That's what counts in the long run. I've done things I'm not proud of, I've done things I am proud of, and I've done some completely and utterly dumbass things during this strange process of recovering my personhood and my independence and my life. Maybe there are people who always do everything perfectly, but I don't know any. And if I did, they sure wouldn't want to be friends with me!
I'm glad you cut off contact with him, because he does sound like he's a scary dude. I think you're right that he has no respect for any woman (likely, not for any man either). And that's not the kind of person I would want to have in my life.
Onwards & upwards, babe. And yeah, find a free clinic that does STD testing. You may not have been the only person he cheated on his new GF with either.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Rosiepetal, I think the message in this is not about blame or what you did or should have done, or shouldn't have done, or anything like that.
When I left my AH, people here told me not to go back to my house where I would be alone with him because he had the potential to be dangerous, and he had so powerfully emotionally subverted me to his will that they feared for my emotional safety as well. They were right.
I did it anyway. Not once, not twice, but a number of times. Like a moth to the flame, I was drawn back. I think I wanted to see the light, to examine what the h*ll had happened to me, to him, to us. It was rash, it was a risk, and it was totally calculated on my part. Raw courage on my part, foolhardy, but existentially potent and necessary for me to know.
I had staked my life on my marriage. I had to bring the full force of who I am and how I loved out into the open to see what was alive and what was dead.
I needed to sit across from him in the family room, like we had done for hundreds of evenings, and talk to him. I needed to sit in the peace and still of our garden in our swivel lawn chairs with the peonies in full bloom, in all the beauty I had created there, and sort out what he thought had happened - to him, to me, to us. I needed to connect to the ugliest of what our relationship had deteriorated into in order to own it and not deny it.
Some inner emotional layer of me had to reconnect with him enough to know if what I felt, what I thought, was real. Had I imagined it? Had I profoundly exaggerated it? Had I misconstrued it? Had I denied my part in it?
And it took that dose of in-your-face reality to prove to me what I had done what I had to do. I needed to leave. I was right.
He had no remorse. He had no apology. He had no comprehension of what he had done to me, nor did he care to understand. He was the man I thought he was when I left him. He wasn't the man he used to be. He wasn't the man I wanted him to be. He wasn't the man I loved. And most of all, he wasn't the man, he wasn't a man who truly loved me.
Just thinking about it wasn't enough to get me to any clarity. I needed a visceral knowledge, and being in the same room with him, being in conversation, being in connection was the only way I could find to learn what I needed to know.
My belief in eternal redemption, my faith, my charity, even my grief made me want to deny what I knew to be true. Until I faced him and saw that what I saw was what it was.
I don't recommend it. I took chances. But I did what I had to do. And that is part of what is allowing me to move on.
I think blame is a pretty useless emotion. Don't recommend it. Same with guilt. Nobody learns anything, nobody resolves anything, nobody moves on. In the end, what's the use of that? It's just more churning.
So take what you can from the experience, and now, maybe, for you, like for me, some door to the past has shut freeing a new door to open.
ShootingStar1
When I left my AH, people here told me not to go back to my house where I would be alone with him because he had the potential to be dangerous, and he had so powerfully emotionally subverted me to his will that they feared for my emotional safety as well. They were right.
I did it anyway. Not once, not twice, but a number of times. Like a moth to the flame, I was drawn back. I think I wanted to see the light, to examine what the h*ll had happened to me, to him, to us. It was rash, it was a risk, and it was totally calculated on my part. Raw courage on my part, foolhardy, but existentially potent and necessary for me to know.
I had staked my life on my marriage. I had to bring the full force of who I am and how I loved out into the open to see what was alive and what was dead.
I needed to sit across from him in the family room, like we had done for hundreds of evenings, and talk to him. I needed to sit in the peace and still of our garden in our swivel lawn chairs with the peonies in full bloom, in all the beauty I had created there, and sort out what he thought had happened - to him, to me, to us. I needed to connect to the ugliest of what our relationship had deteriorated into in order to own it and not deny it.
Some inner emotional layer of me had to reconnect with him enough to know if what I felt, what I thought, was real. Had I imagined it? Had I profoundly exaggerated it? Had I misconstrued it? Had I denied my part in it?
And it took that dose of in-your-face reality to prove to me what I had done what I had to do. I needed to leave. I was right.
He had no remorse. He had no apology. He had no comprehension of what he had done to me, nor did he care to understand. He was the man I thought he was when I left him. He wasn't the man he used to be. He wasn't the man I wanted him to be. He wasn't the man I loved. And most of all, he wasn't the man, he wasn't a man who truly loved me.
Just thinking about it wasn't enough to get me to any clarity. I needed a visceral knowledge, and being in the same room with him, being in conversation, being in connection was the only way I could find to learn what I needed to know.
My belief in eternal redemption, my faith, my charity, even my grief made me want to deny what I knew to be true. Until I faced him and saw that what I saw was what it was.
I don't recommend it. I took chances. But I did what I had to do. And that is part of what is allowing me to move on.
I think blame is a pretty useless emotion. Don't recommend it. Same with guilt. Nobody learns anything, nobody resolves anything, nobody moves on. In the end, what's the use of that? It's just more churning.
So take what you can from the experience, and now, maybe, for you, like for me, some door to the past has shut freeing a new door to open.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
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I think blame is a pretty useless emotion. Don't recommend it. Same with guilt. Nobody learns anything, nobody resolves anything, nobody moves on.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
What I am worried about is he still has the key for my door.
Any suggestions?
I had never seen that dark side.
I take back everything I said about helping him, he's a sicko, he's proven it.
Ziggy, I'm sorry, yes I had my part to play, I #*!% up.
Any suggestions?
I had never seen that dark side.
I take back everything I said about helping him, he's a sicko, he's proven it.
Ziggy, I'm sorry, yes I had my part to play, I #*!% up.
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