Gforce23

Hello everyone,

I haven't posted here in a few days for obvious reasons. I just want to say, that a lot of people who posted on my last thread (about an upcoming visit with friends that might be really hard) were right, and I was very very wrong. While I didn't drink that night, it was much, much harder than I had hoped. I really, really wanted to believe that it would only be a big deal if I let it. Well I was wrong. It was a big deal, I struggled through the whole night and my on edge behavior possibly alienated our friends. By the next day, I was an emotional mess. On top of all that, my family and I were expected at my husbands Grandmother's 93d birthday. I really, really didn't want to go, but how do I bail out of Grandma's 93d birthday party?

My husband wanted to pick up a bottle of wine to bring as a gift, and when we pulled up to the store (the liquor store!) I went into a complete panic. I told my husband I didn't want to go if I'm not drinking. I mean, I was a mess. I was breathing heavily, shaking, and wanting to go home. Well, my husband is not a jerk, but he doesn't understand this problem, and I think he just wanted everything to go back to being normal. So he told me that I should just have a glass of wine because it would be better than dealing with a grumpy sober person at his grandmother's birthday. So, of course I could not cope him giving me permission, so I succumbed.

It was of course, no real problem that night--however, I have woken up this morning with a terrible hangover again, after hanging out with our new friends who live down the street. I don't know what to do, almost all of our friends are booze hounds! I don't even remember walking home.

A lot of people told me to avoid these situations, and I really, really thought that I could handle it. If you read my posts, I sounded pretty sure of myself. I thought things would really be different this time. To all the people who told me not to put myself in those situations, you were right right right and I was wrong wrong WRONG. I really, really, wanted to believe that quitting would be as simple or as hard as I made it. I wanted desperately to believe that it quitting drinking could really be "no big deal." I didn't want it to be a "thing." I just wanted it to be like, "hey, I'm just not drinking right now, no biggie." Well, I am feeling far more humble now. It's going to be a "thing," It's going to be hard, and I am going to have to avoid people and situations where I would ordinarily drink. I don't really know how to pull that off with out offending friends and family. So, any advice here would be appreciated.

Fortunately, I've had a long talk with my husband about it. I told him that If I'm going to quit, it's going to be a "thing," and that I'll need him to keep alcohol out of the house for a while and that I might not be much fun to be around at times. He laughed and said, "Oh that wouldn't be any different than usual..." ha ha. Anyway, I think he's on board.

I really, really wanted this to be no big deal. Whenever my mind starts to think about really quitting, it revolts. It panics! Why is it panicking? I thought I could deal with being uncomfortable. I thought I could handle saying no. Sadly, I was wrong. I'm feeling really stuck. I'm scared to change and scared to stay the same. I am really really afraid I'm going to be bored, and that I'm going to be absolutely no fun to be around. Like my husband said a "grumpy sober person." Please people, tell me that it gets easier. Please, please tell me that I won't be on edge, flying off the handle, prickly and sensitive and a total b*tch of a mother forever. Please, I need some hope that after a while it gets easier and I won't be a sober jerk forever.

Thanks.

Xune

You should bring this to your Doctor.

There is much your Doctor can explore with regards to anxiety, panic etc...

I'm puzzled as to why you're husband appears to be rather flippant about what you've told him.

" I am addicted to alcohol and it is going to kill me if I continue, I need help stopping."

What's funny, flippant or not to be believed about such an honest statement?

I can tell you that I am grateful that my wife understands the gravity of my problem and is absolutely on board with my recovery.

Delilah1

Hi Gforce,

I am sorry you are having such a tough time today. It is not easy, but it does get easier. I don't think my husband fully gets it either, but I have had to make it a "thing" to be able to remain sober. I remember telling my kids in the very beginning and we came up with a signal to show me if I was being grumpy with them.

I have found that exercise, reading, doing something other then drinking has helped. I have had a few anxious days where I have gone to different meetings for support (AA and WFS, also a few through my insurance) but SR has been my biggest support.

Don't beat yourself up about the past few days, just make a plan to help you get through today, and then think about what will help you remain sober. I have chosen to skip a few holiday gatherings this year that will be centered around alcohol, I don't want to put myself in that situation yet, and don't feel like dealing with the questions about why I am not drinking.

Stick close to SR for a few days, you can do this. We are moms, there is not a more difficult job in the world, we can definitely master sobriety!!!

Sending you hugs as you start again.:ghug3:ghug3:ghug3

Sazzle

Sorry you had such a sh*tty time, Gforce. This journey is one big scientific experiment. You've just discovered something that didn't work for you. I have found it quite a challenge when out socially if I don't have a plan. What I'm going to drink. What to say if someone wants to buy me a drink. An exit strategy or complete avoidance.

It does get easier. It has for me. But I get weirded out by odd things. At work I had heartburn and a colleague gave me some social tonic. You just put 3 drops in warm water. It was 80% alcohol. I declined but it was on my mind allllllll day.

Stick around here. We've got your back. Just try and be yourself for the first stages. I felt the pressure to be 'happy' and 'cool with not drinking' so that others wouldn't give me a hard time. Now I just bite my tongue and do my own thing, have my excuses ready and rest when I need to.

Sorry I've rambled on. I just wanted to give you a bit of hope and to say that I am thinking of you.

S x

BabyJane

Awww... I've been there before. All of the things you said brought back a whole bunch of memories of when I first started trying to quit drinking. That was almost 5 years ago. I had a lot to learn back then and I had to do some experimenting to find out what would work for me. I learned how to stop but couldnt stay stopped. The anxiety and the mood swings were awful and I didn't recognize myself!

The only thing I did right in the beginning was not give up. Everytime I relapsed I felt awful but I knew I needed to quit and I truly wanted to quit and eventually I was able to do it. I'm still fighting a pretty major battle with meds / pills which is a whole other issue (see STILL learning what doesn't work as much as what does! Lol) but my life has gotten better. Really it has. I wouldn't lie to you about this, the beginning was HELL. I felt like I was loosing it. Hang on. Don't give up. Your husband sounds like a good guy overall - my dude is a "normie" too and he doesn't understand alcoholism all that well but he's learning about it because I talk to him and try to be honest. That's all you can do! If you're grumpy or freaking out PM me, I'm early in sobriety (again, the pills and whatnot) so I'm on here a lot. 5 years ago I couldn't go more than a few days without a drink. Now I don't even think about alcohol. Don't want it. Don't care. And I have had a long period of total sobriety from everything and it was amazing so I'll get back there. I'm totally willing to help you in any way possible.

You WILL Do this! You can!

phoebe64

I hardly have the whole thing mastered at 16 days, but i have had sober stretches before. This time is a bit easier, and I think it is because I was not yet back to daily drinking, and mostly having a whole bottle of wine on weekend nights, and maybe a coule of glasses a couple of other nights during the week.

However, the first time I really "quit" completely, and after daily drinking, I had lots of anxiety and panic. There was other stuff going on in my life to cause that too, but the alcohol messes with your nervous system, and the rebound in early sobriety often brings about anxiety. I see people post about it here over and over.

It did pass, and it was very helpful for me to get help for the anxiety from my doctor and a psychiatrist. At that time I was not honest about my drinking with them, but it still helped with the anxiety. Once I was completely sober for a month or two, I felt so much better. Healthy eating and exercise helps me too.

I am sorry you had such a bad time of it and feel sick today. Get some rest and keep reading and posting. Have you read AVRT or looked into AA?

Ro-

doggonecarl

Recovery is a very big deal. The biggest. Your life depends on it.

Sobriety doesn't provide the instant gratification of drinking. But the rewards are substantial and long term.

Oh, and one more thing. Being grumpy and a jerk, those are choices we make. We think drinking is a better option than the way we are acting, or worse, a loved one tells us they like us better when we drink, and it's off to the races.

If you are making the decision to quit drinking, it means you don't drink.

Ever.

neferkamichael

Hi Gforce, your still posting so it sounds like to me you are serious about your sobriety. I suffered quit a bit for many months into my sobriety, but 2 years 6 months later the urge to use has diminished considerably. Just don't give up Gforce, but please don't let it take you a lifetime like it did me. You can do it. Have a Merry Christmas .

oakwood

I'm sorry this happened to you but, honestly, you are far from alone in that situation. I think most of us have had to deal with the fact that quitting drinking is not just about pure will power. It's much, much more, as you have now found out. Just, FYI, I am here with a much more humble attitude these days, too.

Have you thought about what your next step is going to be? There are many paths that lead to sobriety.

hypochondriac

Try not to worry about other people feelings and just concentrate on staying sober. You don't need to justify your sobriety to anyone and it won't offend people if you don't drink or duck out of a few parties. There will be plenty of time to be sociable later. It does get easier

Gforce23

Hi there everyone.

First, let me just say, that this place rocks. Thank you all for your empathy and encouragement and your total lack of judgement!

It means a lot to me to know that there are others out there who know right where I'm at, and that it does get easier.

BabyJane, yeah, my husband really doesn't understand. He doesn't think or he doesn't want to think that I have a big problem. He came into our room this morning while I was chastising myself for feeling like crap blah blah blah, and he just wanted me to feel better, so he says things like "Gil, your alive, you didn't do anything stupid, your not dying, see, so really your o.k and your getting all freaked out for nothing." He's trying to be helpful, but he doesn't get it. Great, I'm fine--this time! He was with me. What about next time I'm by myself and I'm about blacked out on the way home. What about my future health? Or my current health? Any way, he doesn't get it.

Also, I all ready get a lot of exercise-- I am a major mountain biker and I go to the gym 3 times a week. I thought this would help me cut down on the social binge drinking, but alas, it has not. I have also found this weird phenomenon: The more I think about quitting and get close to the edge of doing it, the more I wind up drinking. It's like my brain says, well, if your gonna quit, we'd better make this a good one!

Doggone Carl, I know where your coming from about making the "choice" to be grumpy or to adjust our attitude. However, I am dealing with so much anxiety over this, that I have no idea how I would even make the "choice" not to be or feel on edge around people who are drinking. When my friends were over last Friday, they brought a 12 pack of beer, and everyone was enjoying it but me. I'm sorry, I really struggled. I felt left out. I felt like I wasn't one of the gang. I tried not to think about it, but trying not to think about it became it's own preoccupation, and I became very, very tense and agitated. I had to go for a walk a few times, and once I disappeared into the basement to get away from everyone. I was so exhausted the next day and really tired of everyone asking me if I was "O.K." I made the choice to drink at my husbands grandmother's birthday in a moment of weakness. I just wanted everything to go back to normal so badly, it was a relief when I had the glass of wine. Not because I enjoyed how I felt, but because I could stop being so deeply uncomfortable.

I'm sorry, I feel miserable about all of this, and maybe intellectually we can say it's my choice to feel this way, but at the moment, I have no idea how to change these feelings. I'm sad, scared, and freaked out. That's the way it is. Trying to tell my self to feel something other than I feel is just not going to work. Now, where I agree with you is that I can't use it as an "excuse" for drinking. Sure, of course it seems obvious. But if it was so damned easy to do, this forum would be empty and all the Alano clubs all over the country would be empty at 12:00pm.

My plan is at this point to start going to meetings. There is one tomorrow. I have issues with A.A, (I won't get into it here--it always seems to be a controversial subject.) but that is all that is available to me where I live, so I am going to try and reconcile my differences of opinion and just go and get some support. I am going to keep trying until it works. I would really love to see a doctor, but I don't have one. They are all but impossible to find in my area in B.C, and I am also not yet a Permanent Resident, so I have to pay here, and we are gosh darn broke! Secondly, because I need to file for my residency still, (my husband is Canadian) I am really scared to go on record with a doctor about this, as I'm worried it might affect whether my residency is accepted or not. Just being married to a Canuck is not enough of a guarantee.

Thanks everyone. Just knowing that what I'm going through is normal is a huge help in dealing with it. Thanks for all your kindness, understanding, support, and advice!
Oh, and I apologize for being so long winded.

phoebe64

I also have found that in this period of time when I was trying to be sober, but "cheating" or trying to moderate or drink occasionally, I tended to rebound, and have more than I did when I made no efforts toward sobriety. Or a need to "finish off the bottle" so there was none for next night, so I would not be tempted.

I think it is part of the binge addiction. I also can be a bit of food binger. You know, the day before the diet I might feel like I had to get rid of all the chips...by eating them.

Anyway, not really advice. Just some understanding.

I hope you get something out of the meeting. You do not have to totally agree with it all. And, I do think you can openly discuss your feelings about it. You may find people here can help you with it. I think if the discussion is respectful, others here have much to offer about various meths or combinations of them.

I hope you are feeling better tonight.

2granddaughters

Canucks are good people, you are lucky to have one.

If you are an alcoholic as described in AA's "How It works" and "The Doctors Opinion" then you will want to try to fit into AA. It will save your life as it has mine. I didn't take to it like a fish to water in the beginning either but I knew I had run out of options.

All the best.

Bob R

ReadyAtLast

I started drinking as a teenager as was shy,boring and uncomfortable in social situations. I've had a couple of stints at sobriety and failed (on day2 again).

I do realize now though that I am naturally shy,not great with strangers/groups but that it just me and there is nothing wrong with that. I think a lot of it is about acceptance of myself for me,not trying to change who I am,trying to fit in.I realize I'd rather be the quiet one than the stupid,drunken one that is embarrassing.I think the being uncomfortable lessens over time as you get more used to sobriety

Lyoness

Hi Gforce, I'm going sober off oxy, have mostly 6 weeks with some slips. I really relate to what you said, "I have also found this weird phenomenon: The more I think about quitting and get close to the edge of doing it, the more I wind up drinking. It's like my brain says, well, if your gonna quit, we'd better make this a good one!"

I did that with pills all the time. This time I'll use less but always wound up using more. I think my addict brain got really scared when I decided to use less so ramped up my 'need' and use. Maybe this is true for you, too. Hope it helps, anyway!

MythOfSisyphus

It can be tough at times, no doubt! I feel for you, it can be difficult to make someone else understand what it's like to have the problem we have. I would think about drinking all day with a mixture of anticipation and dread. Part of me would crave the release of pouring that first glass of Cab but another part of me would try to postpone it as long as possible. I always knew that once I started I'd drink all night. My only hope was that I'd pass out early enough to get enough sleep to not be a zombie at work.

Xune

I understand the salvation army offers free treatment?

Gforce23

Hello and good morning.

I just wanted to follow up with everyone and say thanks again. It's Monday morning and I'm home with my son as we both have a sore throat. Anyway, no drinking at all yet, but as I've said in previous posts, stopping is no problemo--it's the not starting again I have a tough time with.

You know, it really does puzzle me-- I'm able to share a few beers with my husband during the week, and my "off switch" seems to work just fine when it's just me and him. This is why he doesn't understand my problem. He doesn't understand, and neither do I, why I seem perfectly capable of calling it quits after a beer or two a few nights a week, but when ever I'm drinking socially (especially around others who are also drinking heavily,) I seem to have no "off switch." It completely stops working under those circumstances. Of course, there have been plenty of times that I didn't get completely obliterated, but it is usually because I was doing other things--dancing enough so that I wasn't constantly sucking down a drink, or playing music with other people, which I need two hands to do! Or, I simply run out of beer and go home.

But then I'll go through a faze like of late: we've just met a new family down the street, nice progressive couple that we relate too, and around these parts, that can be hard to come by. But boy, do they ever like to booze it up. And when I am around people like that, it's like all the inhibitions I might otherwise have to cool it are thrown right out the window. However, even though those new friends of ours like to drink up, I'm pretty sure I was still the drunkest one. I have blacked out getting home the last two times I've hung out with them.

This pattern has pretty much remained the same throughout my drinking career. I'm not going to lie, I wish I didn't have to sacrifice having a few beers with my husband because I can't handle my booze at other times. I wish I didn't have to do that. It's truly the thing that trips me up THE most, as I've written about on other posts. The fact that he has a hard time understanding my problem and also wants to keep that drinking relationship with me, doesn't help!

However, my stomach has hurt (I may have an ulcer, or I've irritated my stomach lining--awesome.) since last Saturday morning when I woke up hungover with severe anxiety. So, my health is obviously being affected and I cannot ignore it.

Someone also has to tell me why it was so easy to stop drinking and stay stopped drinking while I was pregnant. As soon as I found out I was pregnant--that was it. My mid-wife even told me that a small glass of wine or a half a glass of wine a day was no problem, and I chose not to partake at all, what so ever, and it wasn't a problem. I do remember being grumpy around drinking for the first few months, but I got over it, and after all, I was pregnant--so I had the BEST reason in the world to not drink and to tell people I wasn't drinking. Heck, every one expects a pregnant lady not to drink.

Heck, I don't really need to get pregnant again to quit drinking do I? Why can't I seem to extrapolate any lesson from that experience at this point in my life. I mean, I wouldn't mind having another baby, (I'm getting a bit old for it, however) but I shouldn't have to do so to stay sober!

Crap. I'm just rambling. Pretty much just getting my random thoughts out to strangers in a strange land this morning.
I wasn't able to go to a meeting on Sunday, so there is one here in my town tomorrow night that I'll go to, though I admit I'm really nervous about it.

Thanks for listening, and I hope everyone is well today.