Has anyone heard from MyFreedom? Her AH should have been served with the protective
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Has anyone heard from MyFreedom? Her AH should have been served with the protective
Court order several days ago, and she was fearful of violence. I am very concerned about whether she and her kids are safe.
ShootingStar1
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 262
Thank you so much for the concern. We are ok. Took two days before he was served. He is staying in a small apartment that is part of a friends house. Took it calmly. Playing the good boy act right now. Got rid of all beer, wants to go to AA, actually broke down and cried. Really dont see it lasting long. Kids are alittle upset with me. Had a rough couple days. Feeling confused at the moment. Guess I am feeling like the bad guy. I kicked daddy out of his house. Having hard time.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
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((myfreedom)) - Glad that you posted an update. Sweetie, you didn't really kick him out - HE made the decision to do things that resulted in himself being shown the door. All you did was take care of you and the kids, and though it's not always comfortable, it's a really good thing.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Impurrfect 
((myfreedom)) - Glad that you posted an update. Sweetie, you didn't really kick him out - HE made the decision to do things that resulted in himself being shown the door. All you did was take care of you and the kids, and though it's not always comfortable, it's a really good thing.
His decisions/actions put him where he is now.
I know doing what you did feels uncomfortable as heck, but change is uncomfortable.
You are doing the best thing for you and your kids.
Sending hugs of support!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
So glad he was finally served and glad you are okay.....but sorry you are having a hard time.
I really struggled with feeling like the bad guy too. It seems to be taking a long time...but I am starting to feel that less and less. I was so used for being blamed that everything that went wrong with him. And although I can feel badly for him that he is in the situation he is in....it was he who got this ball rolling and he had hundreds of opportunities to stop and act like a decent human being.
Your A is responsible for his actions - and they were hideously inappropriate and abusive. You had to protect yourself and your children. Your are very brave.
I'm just sorry it feels so awful right now.
Sending you lots of strength.
MamaKit
I really struggled with feeling like the bad guy too. It seems to be taking a long time...but I am starting to feel that less and less. I was so used for being blamed that everything that went wrong with him. And although I can feel badly for him that he is in the situation he is in....it was he who got this ball rolling and he had hundreds of opportunities to stop and act like a decent human being.
Your A is responsible for his actions - and they were hideously inappropriate and abusive. You had to protect yourself and your children. Your are very brave.
I'm just sorry it feels so awful right now.
Sending you lots of strength.
MamaKit
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
A daddy perspective and one I used to communicate my stance on her drinking...
I could one day have a brain tumor that would make it unsafe for me to be around a baby or drive one around without supervision. It could be that I would not know there was a problem and I might get very angry if she tried to protect me from a fatal mistake but I expect her to and expect her to want the same.
Some day maybe daddy will fix himself and he will thank you for having the courage to protect his babies when he was unable to do so. Maybe he will thank you for protecting him from more guilt and shame.
From my limited experiences around long sober alcoholics in recovery I am confident that he would feel that way if he gets into and stays in recovery.
...if he doesn't feel that way then clearly you did the right thing because it means he hadn't changed.
Hang in there
I could one day have a brain tumor that would make it unsafe for me to be around a baby or drive one around without supervision. It could be that I would not know there was a problem and I might get very angry if she tried to protect me from a fatal mistake but I expect her to and expect her to want the same.
Some day maybe daddy will fix himself and he will thank you for having the courage to protect his babies when he was unable to do so. Maybe he will thank you for protecting him from more guilt and shame.
From my limited experiences around long sober alcoholics in recovery I am confident that he would feel that way if he gets into and stays in recovery.
...if he doesn't feel that way then clearly you did the right thing because it means he hadn't changed.
Hang in there
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
MyFreedom, After decorating the tree with the children yesterday, I left them to go to the police and report my AH's abusive behavior. I, too, am cast as The Bad Guy by my daughter, my Enable-the-AH girlfriend back in the States, my in-laws, our circle of mutual friends from way back, etc. It is amazing how I get blamed for his drinking, for his abuse, for his subsequent loneliness and more drinking, for reporting him and for having failed to report him in the past...People feel so badly for him, they went to step in and offer him a bed, a shoulder to cry on, legal advice, financial help, you name it.
I don't mind so much for myself. But for the children it is all very very hard and disappointing. My oldest is dreaming about confronting his father the next time he starts quacking, and punching him-hard. My oldest wonders, why don't others in our circle of family and friends step in and confront him themselves?
Hang in there, stay centered, and know that you are not alone!
I don't mind so much for myself. But for the children it is all very very hard and disappointing. My oldest is dreaming about confronting his father the next time he starts quacking, and punching him-hard. My oldest wonders, why don't others in our circle of family and friends step in and confront him themselves?
Hang in there, stay centered, and know that you are not alone!
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Happyland
Posts: 193
Originally Posted by myfreedom
Thank you so much for the concern. We are ok. Took two days before he was served. He is staying in a small apartment that is part of a friends house. Took it calmly. Playing the good boy act right now. Got rid of all beer, wants to go to AA, actually broke down and cried. Really dont see it lasting long. Kids are alittle upset with me. Had a rough couple days. Feeling confused at the moment. Guess I am feeling like the bad guy. I kicked daddy out of his house. Having hard time.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 262
Well tomorrow is the hearing. If I dont ask for a continuance, I will have to represent myself. I know what I would like but have no idea what to expect. As long as he is not drinking, I would let him have kids tues and thurs from 4 -7:30 and sometime on weekends. Have contact on my terms and let him call them. He just seems to focused on me and fixing our marriage. Like that is his first priority. Says we both need to change, that my actions and the way I treat him make him so upset. I have been very cold and disrespectful to him lately, even when he was putting in some effort. I really have not had anything positive to say to him for a long time. He thinks marriage counseling is going to help so I get my issues pointed out and can work on them. He needs his family and wants to work on it together. My head is spinning non stop. What is going on here???? He just seems to think my faults are no different than his. Both have issues, lets fix them. Why am I only one that thinks they are not even close to comparing. Is he that blind?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
MyFreedom,
I would recommend asking for a continuance until you can get representation. It is very difficult to go to a public place and tell someone the honest truth about your life and the behavior of your husband - especially when he is right there. If that can't happen - be super specific about visitation. I don't think you want to get into loosely governed negotiations with him. He will likely employ manipulation and verbal abuse to get what he wants. I would also suggest that you must confirm visitation plans via email - that way you have a paper trail of conversations about that topic.
His argument about you needing to change and your faults are simply to defer his own issues and responsibility for the terrible situation you find yourselves in. You may very well need to work on establishing good boundaries and taking care of yourself - but I doubt that is the kind or work he had in mind.
My A and I never did marriage counseling - but if you've read anything about that on this board - the overwhelming thought is that marriage counseling with an active A is a waste of time and money.
Good luck with everything and keep us posted.
Sending you lots and lots of strength.
Hugs,
MamaKit
I would recommend asking for a continuance until you can get representation. It is very difficult to go to a public place and tell someone the honest truth about your life and the behavior of your husband - especially when he is right there. If that can't happen - be super specific about visitation. I don't think you want to get into loosely governed negotiations with him. He will likely employ manipulation and verbal abuse to get what he wants. I would also suggest that you must confirm visitation plans via email - that way you have a paper trail of conversations about that topic.
His argument about you needing to change and your faults are simply to defer his own issues and responsibility for the terrible situation you find yourselves in. You may very well need to work on establishing good boundaries and taking care of yourself - but I doubt that is the kind or work he had in mind.
My A and I never did marriage counseling - but if you've read anything about that on this board - the overwhelming thought is that marriage counseling with an active A is a waste of time and money.
Good luck with everything and keep us posted.
Sending you lots and lots of strength.
Hugs,
MamaKit
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Join Date: Sep 2008
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Originally Posted by myfreedom
Says we both need to change, that my actions and the way I treat him make him so upset. I have been very cold and disrespectful to him lately, even when he was putting in some effort. I really have not had anything positive to say to him for a long time.
His ego is showing and it makes him look like a classic alcoholic manipulating worm.
He is blame-shifting, manipulating and denying anything and everything to do with the demise of your relationship.
You are not responsible for his reactions. How he chooses to respond to life (with violence, anger, manipulation) are all on HIM.
Please recognize his words as abusive manipulation. Ugly, ugly quacking!
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Originally Posted by myfreedom
Well tomorrow is the hearing. If I dont ask for a continuance, I will have to represent myself. I know what I would like but have no idea what to expect. As long as he is not drinking, I would let him have kids tues and thurs from 4 -7:30 and sometime on weekends. Have contact on my terms and let him call them. He just seems to focused on me and fixing our marriage. Like that is his first priority. Says we both need to change, that my actions and the way I treat him make him so upset. I have been very cold and disrespectful to him lately, even when he was putting in some effort. I really have not had anything positive to say to him for a long time. He thinks marriage counseling is going to help so I get my issues pointed out and can work on them. He needs his family and wants to work on it together. My head is spinning non stop. What is going on here???? He just seems to think my faults are no different than his. Both have issues, lets fix them. Why am I only one that thinks they are not even close to comparing. Is he that blind?
He is also on the brink of losing control over the status quo marriage. He wants it back exactly like it was, maybe with a few small changes in order to placate you. He also wants to focus on the marriage, thereby taking the heat off his own actions and diverting the attention to the marriage, which was a partnership, in theory. If he can get the focus off himself and back onto the marriage union, then he can sweep under the rug his own independent actions. All he needs is a therapist he can pull the wool over their eyes on the addiction and abuse. He is working your sentimental side by saying the marriage is the top priority. Seems to me his top priority is his ego and control.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 262
Originally Posted by MadeOfGlass
What is going on is that he is realizing he is on the brink of losing control over you.
He is also on the brink of losing control over the status quo marriage. He wants it back exactly like it was, maybe with a few small changes in order to placate you. He also wants to focus on the marriage, thereby taking the heat off his own actions and diverting the attention to the marriage, which was a partnership, in theory. If he can get the focus off himself and back onto the marriage union, then he can sweep under the rug his own independent actions. All he needs is a therapist he can pull the wool over their eyes on the addiction and abuse. He is working your sentimental side by saying the marriage is the top priority. Seems to me his top priority is his ego and control.
He is also on the brink of losing control over the status quo marriage. He wants it back exactly like it was, maybe with a few small changes in order to placate you. He also wants to focus on the marriage, thereby taking the heat off his own actions and diverting the attention to the marriage, which was a partnership, in theory. If he can get the focus off himself and back onto the marriage union, then he can sweep under the rug his own independent actions. All he needs is a therapist he can pull the wool over their eyes on the addiction and abuse. He is working your sentimental side by saying the marriage is the top priority. Seems to me his top priority is his ego and control.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by MamaKit
MyFreedom,
My A and I never did marriage counseling - but if you've read anything about that on this board - the overwhelming thought is that marriage counseling with an active A is a waste of time and money.
My A and I never did marriage counseling - but if you've read anything about that on this board - the overwhelming thought is that marriage counseling with an active A is a waste of time and money.
The substance changes the chemistry of the brain, and especially alcohol, which is a depressant, on top of the psychological aspects of alcoholism (denial/protection of the addiction by the user), make any kind of emotional "growth" nearly impossible.
P.S. myfreedom, hang in there, you are being gaslighted. Ignore it as much as you can, and don't let it spin your head.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
He sounds sincere because he is...sincere that he doesn't want to lose the marriage, doesn't want to lose control, doesn't want to lose his home, custody of his kids...he's very sincere about all of that.
He's sincere to himself though, not you, in a very selfish way. His actions have shown this. Has he learned humility? Has he learned to treat you as an equal? He can't do either with alcohol in his veins, and maybe can't do either without it...that would remain to be seen AFTER he was sober, and there's the real question...would he ever get sober, and how long after being physically sober would it take his mind to get sober, have regret, give atonement, etc., etc., etc...continue putting you and your kids first. IF, and that's a big IF, he has some huge epiphany and changes his ways and proves it over a year or two, maybe you could trust him a little again. A little. See how far this has gone with him and how futile it is to imagine a present day as his wife? How much could you trust this man, no matter how sincere he appears right now? How much of a sick stomach do you have at the thought of it?
We can't trust those that have traumatized us, no matter how much they ask us to. What is done can't be undone. Asking you to put your hand back into the boiling water is umm...well you know. Ridiculous. You already know it burns!
He's sincere to himself though, not you, in a very selfish way. His actions have shown this. Has he learned humility? Has he learned to treat you as an equal? He can't do either with alcohol in his veins, and maybe can't do either without it...that would remain to be seen AFTER he was sober, and there's the real question...would he ever get sober, and how long after being physically sober would it take his mind to get sober, have regret, give atonement, etc., etc., etc...continue putting you and your kids first. IF, and that's a big IF, he has some huge epiphany and changes his ways and proves it over a year or two, maybe you could trust him a little again. A little. See how far this has gone with him and how futile it is to imagine a present day as his wife? How much could you trust this man, no matter how sincere he appears right now? How much of a sick stomach do you have at the thought of it?
We can't trust those that have traumatized us, no matter how much they ask us to. What is done can't be undone. Asking you to put your hand back into the boiling water is umm...well you know. Ridiculous. You already know it burns!
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