Some Do's and Don'ts for Friends and Family
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Some Do's and Don'ts for Friends and Family
Pulled from an original post by CynicalOne from 2010:
DO'S & DON'TS
~NarAnon
Do Note the effect the addict has on each member of the family.
Do Always encourage (their) attempts to seek help.
Do Remember to see the good in others and yourself.
Don't Accept guilt for another persons acts.
Don't Nag, argue, lecture, or recall past mistakes.
Don't Overprotect, cover up, or rescue from the consequences.
Don't Neglect yourself or be a door mat.
Don't Forget addiction is an illness, not a moral issue.
Do Allow other people to accept their own responsibilities.
Don't Manipulate or make idle threats.
Do Involve yourself with the activities of Nar-anon (or Al-anon)
Do Learn to be open and honest.
Don't Yearn for perfection in yourself or others.
Do Grow day by day, by reading Nar-anon (or al-anon) literature.
Do Remember to focus on your OWN reactions and attitudes.
Don't Overlook the growth opportunities of a crisis.
Don't Under estimate the importance of release with love.
Do Please try to manage your anxieties one day at a time.
Don't Start the recovery program with the addict. Start with the family at Nar-Anon (or Al-anon) meetings and learn the difference between destructive and constructive help.
~NarAnon
Do Note the effect the addict has on each member of the family.
Do Always encourage (their) attempts to seek help.
Do Remember to see the good in others and yourself.
Don't Accept guilt for another persons acts.
Don't Nag, argue, lecture, or recall past mistakes.
Don't Overprotect, cover up, or rescue from the consequences.
Don't Neglect yourself or be a door mat.
Don't Forget addiction is an illness, not a moral issue.
Do Allow other people to accept their own responsibilities.
Don't Manipulate or make idle threats.
Do Involve yourself with the activities of Nar-anon (or Al-anon)
Do Learn to be open and honest.
Don't Yearn for perfection in yourself or others.
Do Grow day by day, by reading Nar-anon (or al-anon) literature.
Do Remember to focus on your OWN reactions and attitudes.
Don't Overlook the growth opportunities of a crisis.
Don't Under estimate the importance of release with love.
Do Please try to manage your anxieties one day at a time.
Don't Start the recovery program with the addict. Start with the family at Nar-Anon (or Al-anon) meetings and learn the difference between destructive and constructive help.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
The hardest part is negotiating the family politics. Actually it's not even politics the one arrested for dui out town where his connections couldn't help him is OBSESSED with his image among friends & family along with his criminal/driving record. He still knows some people in authority(so he says) and wouldn't even ask them for advice for fear of his image among friends.
Is not telling the senior citizen family members enabling? No one is lying but it is his business. I hope he is put in a position of having to tell them. But then again he would be lectured which I've seen as a problem.
Is not telling the senior citizen family members enabling? No one is lying but it is his business. I hope he is put in a position of having to tell them. But then again he would be lectured which I've seen as a problem.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
The problem likes to control a conversation by continously talking and/or ramming his point home by talking at light speed deflecting or a avoiding a lecture. But if they ask why I'm telling which is another problem. They don't like hearing the truth or even an opinion different from theirs. He got very upset when he was told by several people they were surprised he didn't get busted years ago for dui.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 122
The first Al Anon meeting that I ever went too not knowing a thing about Al Anon, someone asked me if I would mind reading
"The Do's and Don'ts" in The Al Anon literature.
Even though I was already quite nervous just being there, I agreed to read it.
As I was looking it over I thought "Oh my God. I am not doing every do. And I am doing every don't."
You think someone was trying to tell me something?
"The Do's and Don'ts" in The Al Anon literature.
Even though I was already quite nervous just being there, I agreed to read it.
As I was looking it over I thought "Oh my God. I am not doing every do. And I am doing every don't."
You think someone was trying to tell me something?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
I think there is always some denial on friends and familys part thinking no one they know could have a severe enough problem worthy of rehab,aa or entry into the court system. And they think if they just DO this or DONT do that they can help a person. I'm thoroughly convinced at this point once you are looking at or thinking about a person as an alcoholic/addict there is 'a' problem.
At first you try to help but in the end you wind up enabling someone although no matter how you look at it in the end it's up to the individual to want to change and make the effort to change.
At first you try to help but in the end you wind up enabling someone although no matter how you look at it in the end it's up to the individual to want to change and make the effort to change.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by thequest 
Is not telling the senior citizen family members enabling? No one is lying but it is his business. I hope he is put in a position of having to tell them. But then again he would be lectured which I've seen as a problem.
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Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
From the Al-Anon pamphlet "Alcoholism, the Family Disease" at page 23 (P-4; 11-71):
Do's and Don'ts
DO:
Forgive
Be honest with yourself
Be humble
Take it easy—tension is harmful
Play—find recreation and hobbies
Keep on doing your best, even when you fail
Learn the facts about alcoholism
Attend Al-Anon meetings often
DON'T:
Be self-righteous
Dominate, nag, scold, or complain
Lose your temper
Try to push anyone but yourself
Keep bringing up the past
Keep checking up on the alcoholic
Wallow in self-pity
Make threats you don't intend to carry out
Be overprotective
Be a doormat
Do's and Don'ts
DO:
Forgive
Be honest with yourself
Be humble
Take it easy—tension is harmful
Play—find recreation and hobbies
Keep on doing your best, even when you fail
Learn the facts about alcoholism
Attend Al-Anon meetings often
DON'T:
Be self-righteous
Dominate, nag, scold, or complain
Lose your temper
Try to push anyone but yourself
Keep bringing up the past
Keep checking up on the alcoholic
Wallow in self-pity
Make threats you don't intend to carry out
Be overprotective
Be a doormat
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
From the Al-Anon pamphlet "A Guide for the Family of the Alcoholic" at pages 10-11 (P-7; 07-93):
Begin with Self
The place to begin recovery from alcoholism in the family is with yourself. Learn all you can. Put it into practice, not just into words. This will be far more effective than anything you attempt to do for the alcoholic.
In summation there are several guidelines that may be observed.
1. Learn all the facts and put them to work in your own life. Don't start with the alcoholic.
2. Attend Al-Anon meetings, open AA meetings, and if necessary seek professional help.
3. Remember you are emotionally involved. Changing your attitude and approach to the problem can speed up recovery.
4. Encourage all beneficial activities of the alcoholic and cooperate in making them possible.
5. Learn that love cannot exist without compassion, discipline and justice, and to accept love or give it without these qualities is to eventually destroy it. [Point 5 is explained in great detail in the pamphlet].
It is often easier to understand why you fail than why you succeed in dealing with alcoholics. Therefore, it can be easier to follow a list of "don'ts."
1. Don't lecture, moralize, scold, blame, threaten, argue, pour out liquor, or cover up the consequences of drinking. You may feel better but the situation will be worse.
2. Don't lose your temper and thereby destroy yourself and any possibility of help.
3. Don't allow your anxiety to compel you to do for alcoholics what they must do for themselves.
4. Don't accept promises, for this is just a method of postponing pain. In the same way, don't keep switching agreements. If an agreement is made, stick to it.
5. Don't believe everything the alcoholic tells you. It may not be the truth.
6. Don't let the alcoholic exploit you or take advantage of you, for in doing so you become an accomplice in the evasion of responsibility.
7. Don't try to follow this pamphlet as a rule-book. It is simply a "guide" to be used with intelligence and evaluation.
8. Don't put off facing the reality that alcoholism is a progressive disease that gets increasingly worse as drinking continues.
Many family members no longer live with an alcoholic but feel their lives have been deeply affected by the disease or their family's reactions to it. They find their lives have become unmanageable because of the heavy emotional involvement they continue to have with the past. They too have found comfort and recovery in Al-Anon.
Begin with Self
The place to begin recovery from alcoholism in the family is with yourself. Learn all you can. Put it into practice, not just into words. This will be far more effective than anything you attempt to do for the alcoholic.
In summation there are several guidelines that may be observed.
1. Learn all the facts and put them to work in your own life. Don't start with the alcoholic.
2. Attend Al-Anon meetings, open AA meetings, and if necessary seek professional help.
3. Remember you are emotionally involved. Changing your attitude and approach to the problem can speed up recovery.
4. Encourage all beneficial activities of the alcoholic and cooperate in making them possible.
5. Learn that love cannot exist without compassion, discipline and justice, and to accept love or give it without these qualities is to eventually destroy it. [Point 5 is explained in great detail in the pamphlet].
It is often easier to understand why you fail than why you succeed in dealing with alcoholics. Therefore, it can be easier to follow a list of "don'ts."
1. Don't lecture, moralize, scold, blame, threaten, argue, pour out liquor, or cover up the consequences of drinking. You may feel better but the situation will be worse.
2. Don't lose your temper and thereby destroy yourself and any possibility of help.
3. Don't allow your anxiety to compel you to do for alcoholics what they must do for themselves.
4. Don't accept promises, for this is just a method of postponing pain. In the same way, don't keep switching agreements. If an agreement is made, stick to it.
5. Don't believe everything the alcoholic tells you. It may not be the truth.
6. Don't let the alcoholic exploit you or take advantage of you, for in doing so you become an accomplice in the evasion of responsibility.
7. Don't try to follow this pamphlet as a rule-book. It is simply a "guide" to be used with intelligence and evaluation.
8. Don't put off facing the reality that alcoholism is a progressive disease that gets increasingly worse as drinking continues.
Many family members no longer live with an alcoholic but feel their lives have been deeply affected by the disease or their family's reactions to it. They find their lives have become unmanageable because of the heavy emotional involvement they continue to have with the past. They too have found comfort and recovery in Al-Anon.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
THanks for the reminder of what works and what doesn't work.
It is hard for the codependent one to see that others really do have a choice and sometimes people are willing to risk change and not have to know what comes next - and others don't choose to take that risk and stay as they are.
I personally chose to take a risk and found a new life and it was unbelievable. I am the codependent and no longer. Life is better than I could have imagined. Things came into my life that I could not have expected and it is good. I did not know that I would be happy again and it is good.
It is hard for the codependent one to see that others really do have a choice and sometimes people are willing to risk change and not have to know what comes next - and others don't choose to take that risk and stay as they are.
I personally chose to take a risk and found a new life and it was unbelievable. I am the codependent and no longer. Life is better than I could have imagined. Things came into my life that I could not have expected and it is good. I did not know that I would be happy again and it is good.
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