thislonelygirl

I did something this am. I sent my ah clips from the section in this forum of peoples stories with their success in recovery from alcoholism and the ones I felt he needs.
I want him to know that other people have felt and been where is but that there is a better life with sobreity. Some might agree some might not others might be on the fence. I felt as though that sending them would maybe give him strength time will tell

Titanic

BTDT. Still, this idea recurs with me. She said that she doesn't need to be taught about the disease by me. I wonder what that really means.

HOW. Honesty. Open-mindedness. Willingness.

ShootingStar1

Back when my AH went to the ER by ambulance in June, and said the hospital lied about his .325 Blood Alcohol Count, I did a lot of research to find out what we were up against because I finally realized the level of his alcoholism.

I found a well researched chart on Wikipedia that showed the symptoms and possible results for increasing levels of blood alcohol. He had been at the near coma, possible death level and I had thought he was dying when the rescue squad arrived.

For me, I felt that giving him straight information on the consequences of his drinking and the bullet of coma and death that he barely avoided was the honorable thing to do. I knew he wouldn't seek that information out. And I knew once he read it he might deny it, but he wouldn't ever really forget it.

I didn't do it to make him change for my sake. I did it to fulfill my own sense of obligation to take care of a sick spouse.

What he did with the information was up to him. He did stop drinking for a month, but that didn't last.

I love (loved?) the man, and I would have felt negligent if I didn't put the truth in front of him. I never wanted to or felt like I owned the outcome of his having that knowledge. The outcome was and is his to own.

ShootingStar1

thislonelygirl

Titanic my ah too had said that. That before when I tried to talk about cause and effect he came out with I didnt know what he knew however since he is aware I am on this forum reached out to many other people and researched I have heard the words from him " you know more about it than I do...I cant hie it. I cant lie to you. You already know " the relief to hear that was amazing. I wanted him to acknowledge that not only does his continues use effect me but everyone else (family disease) but that I know more than he wanted to accept maybe even more than him.

Shooting star ....
I too felt responsible to say something. For the longest time I kept quiet about his drinking...I might have asked once or twice if he was ready to quit but I left everything to him and took all the pain and suffering silently...I saw his downward spiral and I still tried to understand and leave it to him but then things just jappened that couldnt deny how bad it could and would get. So I finally decided I was going to speak up....that if I didnt say something . Anything. More. I felt responsible for not doing so because me him...us together I care for him and dont want it to turn ugly for himself.


And

Tuffgirl

One of my complaints about being married to my A was the total lack of influence I had in that relationship. If I ever showed him something like you did - he'd be very defensive with me and tell me off. Not once was anything I suggested met with anything positive.

Took me a while, but I finally decided this was not the kind of relationship that worked for me. Nor did it meet my idea of what marriage would look like.

thislonelygirl

Im sorry tuffgirl my ah has done the same . Its denial and blame at its best. What a sad world theyve created

BoxinRotz

I've mentioned bits and pieces of this place to AH and he has been accepting. What is hard for him to accept is video footage of his drunken self that I have on my phone. I usually wait til the turd sobers up to watch them with him.

Kassie2

Under "normal" circumstance - what you did is reasonable. With an A we can not control how they respond. Hope you understand this and can let go of the outcome.

My A was quite educated about A but continued on his course and hopefully in his time will make a different choice. It is very hard for one to imagine that life can be any different or that we can know how to change... we can only have hope and put one foot in front of the other and take a risk.

jessiec

I wish you the best. Your heart is in the right place.

Nothing I ever said or did ultimately influenced my RABF to seek help ... except leaving. He's five months sober. I know he would still be drinking and ruining his life if I sat there watching him do it.

thislonelygirl

Ha! Did that too ...my ah erased them in my phone one night without me knowing.
I guess he wasnt ready to face the truth and didnt want to watch them at all threw a fit

dollydo

What are you researching and reading for you? Are you attending Alanon meetings, have you read Codependent No More? What about cynical one's blogs and the stickeys at the top of all the Family & Friends Forums.

All your posts are about him, him and more him. There is a reason that you don't have any bounderies when it comes to him, there are reasons why you put up with his abuse & drunk'n behavior and keep running back to him.

Might be time to start working on you, switch the focus off of him and onto you, getting yourself healthy, so that you can make sound responsible decisions for you and your children.

I, too, wish you the best.

thislonelygirl

Ive attended al anon . I also have books here ive read. This forum and the use of stickys.
I have taken breaks away from my ah...some as long as two weeks others for a day to days. I have learned to detach though yes my focus is getting him help or I can no longer be with him.
This only goes two ways stay or not stay...right now I am no ready to go.
Do I talk about my ah on the friends and family section of alcoholics. Yes because regardless what im doing for me I am still in this relationship and impacted by his choices and that feelimg will not stop till one of us does.
Thank you for the support.. I will continue to worry more about my health