ashamedtobehere

Ok, Let me start this by saying I don't think I'm an alcoholic. I just have an 'alcohol problem.' I hate alcoholics - my family and life was ruined growing up by an abusive alcoholic stepdad and I've been homeless from other's addictions to alcohol.

Let me describe myself:

I'm 25. I have epilepsy. I have GAD(Generalized Anxiety Disorder.) This year I lost my home, my car and my job - none of it remotely related to alcohol but just to paint a picture that I'm in pretty dire straits now living with my father in law.

I've been drinking since I was 18. Every now and then when I was 18 to 21, for almost a year straight when I WAS 21, then averaging out to about once every couple of weeks ever since 22. The issue I have is; I drink way, way too much when I do.

First time I ever drank was at prom, I was stringently against alcohol but there was 10 bottles of liquor in front of me; I decided to drink em all(probbaly put away 3 fifths of hard liquor) to be 'manly.' I ended up puking in bushes, being dared to eat my own puke, ate that puke then started drinking people's **** on dares. That was my first time ever drinking. Should tell you about my personality.

My issue is thta when I drink, I want to drink a lot. A TON. My usual is about a case. At point, in a sitting over 4 hours, I had 68 keystone lights. (I'm a big guy, 260 lbs.) I developed an insanely high tolerance. Keep in mind, I never reallly have a desire to drink... definately not every day... but after a few weeks go by without a beer, I wanna get plastered just once. Then I'm good for a few weeks.

Over the years, horrible things have happened when I get SOOOO drunk. I become a different person; mean, violent, angry. I've attacked people, kicked down people's doors and chased them into a home, threatened to fight an entire bar, etc. etc. A month ago my father through me out of his apartment building because I got in a drunken argument with a neighbor who had a rebel flag in his window and had knocked on my dads apartment to tell us up because he and I were in a heated argument - cops were called, I tore tail and was drug away....

And I just had about 12 beers tonight and feel good. But I want more - I purposely was cut off by my wife who hates me when I drink - but I like to drink. I can finally relax - I don't have myoclonic seizures when I'm drunk, the anxiety goes away, I'm free...

I know every cliche alcoholic '********' 12 step crap there is. **** '12 steps.' I'm a vehement atheist and anti-christian... I'm just talking about physiology here. Mental maybe too, not spiritual. Keep your spirituality away from me. I was raised by insane baptist ministers.

I don't ever have to drink, but I go too long and I crave to drink and when I do drink, I have to drink everything in sight until I turn into another person, into some horribly mean, suicidal lunatic other person. But I drank tonight... and I stopped at 12... and I'm getting hungover now... haven't had a beer in 2 hours... but by god I want more...

Alcoholics to me are sad, miserable people who get DT's when they can't suck down a beer to wipe away their horrible existence. That's not meant as an offense to anyone personally - just my belief form a lifetime of living with and being around drunks. I'm like them though, at their worst.... just a lot less of the time. It's an 'alcohol problem' not an 'addiction.' I have no self restraint or 'control' usually. How do I correct that? When should you cut yourself off?

Dee74

Hi ashamed

I think maybe you watch too much TV
there's as many different kinds of alcoholics as there are drinkers I think

In any case, I think regardless of what label you want to put on it, there's more than enough reason to quit, from what you posted....and that what I think you need to focus on.

I loved drinking too - or thought I did - but it was killing me and destroying my relationships.

I like being able to look myself in the eyes in the mirror now, and not being ashamed of what I may have done last night.

It's a good trade - a really good trade

You'll find a lot of support here. I found knowing I wasn't alone, and knowing where to go for support in this helped me with that control stuff.

I had a lot more than I realised
D

suki44883

There are many kinds of alcoholics. It sounds like you may be a binge alcoholic, but like Dee said, it doesn't really matter what you call it, drinking has caused you many, many problems and that is reason enough to give it up.

You will find a lot of support here and while you may be ashamed to be here, it's a pretty cool place. I'm glad found us.

quitforme79

"Over the years, horrible things have happened when I get SOOOO drunk. I become a different person; mean, violent, angry"

Alcoholic, problem drinker, normal person...whatever you want to call it, alcohol makes you do things you would never do sober. I quit because I don't want to be that person drinking makes me. Ever again. And I know the only way I can guarantee that is by not drinking. Welcome to SR, you'll find good readings and support here.

DisplacedGRITS

hi. i'm Lisa and i'm an alcoholic. i think you are thinking about alcoholism in a very wrong way. alcoholism is a disease, not an identity. it's not something to be mad at. it's a disease, not what you are. what you are is a sick person with a disease, not a bad person with a negative attribute. you've got a lot of anger towards people and how alcohol had led them to negatively impact your life. now it's negatively impacting your life. call it alcoholism, call it an "alcohol problem" but don't lie to yourself. you're not any better or any worse than the person that drinks from sun up to sundown and in between. the effect alcohol has on a person is theirs. it's personal. it's their relationship with alcohol and it's not to be measured against anyone else's. whether you are you are dealing with an "alcohol problem," an addiction or whatever you want to call it the basic path you have is the same one we all have. stop drinking. period. you just don't take that first drink, ever. if you have no restraint or control then just don't drink. that is the foolproof method of handling alcohol. i'm 9 months sober today using that method. 32 years old and so far i haven't really missed it. my personal relationship with alcohol now is much more manageable and peace is being restored to my life in so many ways. how much does alcohol mean to you? i think if you can just set it aside for a significant amount of time without it being a big deal in your life then you can honestly say you're not dealing with an addiction. if you can't do that, then start being honest with yourself about what you're dealing with because until you're honest with yourself, you're going to keep spinning your wheels and wondering why you're not getting anywhere.

IndaMiricale

Okay let me start off, I have a "alcohol problem" I am a alcoholic.. I also have been homeless, jailed, hospitaled all due to my alcoholism..

First I would like to welcome you.. And I hope when you come to tomorrow you re read your post. As it is full of contridiction. And that is just a part of the problem drinker, binge drinker, drunk, whatever term or word you want to call it..

I am sorry you think you hate me , and think I am a miserable sad drunk. Because it truly is the opposite even when I was in full mode. I also drank obscene amounts but did it much longer than you have YET.. I first started to quite at 39. So you can get a great head start and save yourself all those things you hate so much about a drunk. Because you will get there, it is progressive..

I understand you are a athesist and thats great. I dont have any religion either. But what people choose to use to get sober are not cliche's and ********. For every individual it is different and they deserve that respect what ever program they may use.!!!!!!!!!!!!

So hopefully you can calm down a little and realize we are not all this under the bridge , drinking out of a brown bag diesase. It doesnt care about status.

And hate to break it to you , if your drinking cases of beer a nite and 68 in some nights. You are a alcoholic , drunk, allergic to alcohol, problem drinker whatever.

Please stick around and read and post and look for support on a new freedom for yourself..

Quinne

"Spirituality" and "Religion" aren't necessarily synonymous. Only if you believe-or want-the concepts to be.

You've said in your post that you have no control over your intake once you start; in my experience, the only way to truly mediate and curb behaviours (for this alcoholic) is with a sober head. I have a personality change when I drink, too-I generally become violent toward myself, others or I turn into a sulky mess. Once I start, I can't stop. I have no "off' switch. Funnily enough, when i'm sober i'm fairly outgoing, sociable and respectful. Doesn't sound like you and I are too different in a couple of ways.

You mentioned that you don't experience seizures when you're sober; if you aren't appropriately medicated, would it be worth speaking with your GP to have a look at your options?

Anyway, nothing more to add for the minute-Dee, Inda & the other members have offered some great input and advice

Xx

gonzo4419

Keep reading around here and you'll realize this is one of the more common situations, including many of us having alcoholic relatives that made us 'hate' alcoholics and 'know' we would never get to be like them. Seriously, just keep reading, you'll find its mostly A) people that drink all the time that causes them problems, or B) people that don't drink all the time but binge drink and it causes problems.

There are many other ways other than these, for myself I'm better looking at it from the physiological aspects, google "AVRT crash course" if you want to look at something more from the human nature aspect than the spiritual one. From your post I kind of get the feeling that you assumed you would post, and 10 people would just tell you to join AA and get a sponsor, that is not what SR is. While many situations for people here have lots in common, each persons situation is unique, size/age/frequency/consumption/lifestyle etc always vary, but we all have 1 thing in common, alcohol was causing us enough problems that we finally hit google or whatever and found this place.

Hope you stay around.

BabyJane

1.) Every single one of us didn't want to be "an alcoholic" when we first got to the point you're at right now. Guaranteed. The term alcoholic is just a word and it has all kinds of meanings to all kinds of people. You're arguing semantics, in a sense, because only a person himself can truly decide if he is indeed an alcoholic and what needs to be done about that.

2.) You are probably going to hate this but have you actually DONE any of the AA program as its outlined in the Book? Some meetings gloss over the real program outlined in the text. You can't say it's crap if you haven't actually tried it can you? And if you look around there's other alternatives too and they have just as much to teach us.

3.) I know plenty of sober atheists in and out of AA.

4.) I drank like you. For me it wasn't how often I drank. I would go weeks sometimes between binges. What makes me an alcoholic, in my humble opinion, is the physiological effects alcohol has on my brain and my behavior.

5.) I hope you get sober before you end up hurt or worse. You seem like a nice guy, maybe a bit frustrated and angry about this drinking thing, but I like you even if you don't like me. And I'll keep hoping for the best for you.

Quinne

Sorry, I meant seizures when you're drinking......

Sazzle

Hi & welcome to SR. Sounds to me like you are a perfect fit for this support group. I too was a binge alcoholic. All the things you say you have lost this year WILL have something to do with your problem drinking.

Read around here. You will be amazed at the similatries.

S x

ru12

You do not need AA to stop drinking. What you need to do is stop putting ethanol containing beverages to your lips and swallowing it. How you feel good about your life after you become sober is your own business. Some find much relief in religion or spiritual pursuits. Others just get on with life and move past this bad behavior. If you find that you cannot stop on your own then you should try to get some help. And AA does help lots of people, so does Rational Recovery and SMART Recovery. Posting here helps me stay connected with a group of people that have similar issues as I do.

Fernaceman

Ashamed. I too had was very opinionated just like you. I was "ashamed" of my condition. It felt like the scarlet letter, honestly. Once I put that label on myself and honestly let it be known there was no removal.

You might be ashamed to be here, and that's really A SHAME it self. Look at what you're doing, it's scary. If you are drinking 68 beers in a sitting, chances are others have generally taken a notice as to how much you drink. You probably are not as good as hiding it as you think. I sure wasn't.

For me, there was an invisible line that I crossed into alcoholic drinking (and thinking). For years after that, I attempted to cross back over into "normalcy," but that line kept moving away! If you are truly an alcoholic, and good news is only YOU can can determine that, things will continue to get worse (spiritually, mentally, AND physically) if you keep drinking. They sure did for me. The consequences continually got bigger and with greater frequency.

Here's something to ponder, people without drinking problems generally don't wonder if they have a drinking problem (or come to a recovery website with a story like this).

I don't really know the response you are looking for here. To me and probably quite a few other people here your story is JUST LIKE OURS, and is incredibly concerning. I hope you will reread your post tomorrow and at least be OPEN-MINDED to the possibility that there is an issue and you should *maybe* do something about it.

Also, your last three statements, starting with the "cliche 12 step bull****" is talking about stuff that could be considered cliche and WRITTEN ABOUT IN ONE OF THE MAJOR TEXTS ABOUT ALCOHOLISM. Only it is in your own version of the words. So, funny enough, it seems your knowledge on the 12 step programs is shining through without you even knowing it.

I wish you well. Do not get me wrong at all. I needed a huge reality check when I stopped drinking. My thinking was entirely warped of every single situation I was placed in life. It just doesn't have to be this way. Not. At. All. Life can be so much better, greater, and beautiful. Life IS beautiful.

It seems you are reaching out for help. Please keep coming back and at least be willing to listen to some of the suggestions people are making. Things won't magically get better on their own. It takes a decision to stop and a commitment to follow through on what needs to be done to stay stopped.

Godspeed, and be well.

Xune

I do not identify with the word alcoholic.

I will however let you know that I suffer from alcohol dependency and am in early remission.

I am an addict in recovery.

What I can identify with is that alcohol is something I am addicted to and that when I drank it, it was slowly destroying my life.

You know what else?

I never hit rock bottom before I got help and had years of crippling addiction ahead of me.

Thankfully, I pulled myself out of the misery and got myself sober.

I'm also an Atheist and got myself sober without a traditional 12 step program.

Do not stereotype drunks and don't fool yourself into thinking anyone of us is unique in this addiction.

Junebugapril

I also have a drinking problem. I do not like the name alcoholic. I feel a lot of anger in your post. Also a lot of rigidity in your personality. A lof of black or white thinking. I also think you need someone to help you. It's really hard to do this yourself. How about a counselor that specializes in people with drinking problems?

Delilah1

Everyone has already posted most of what I would say. There are many options for recovery and this site is a great place to start.

Spend some time reading posts on here and you will find people in various points along the journey to recovery. Each of us started with a first post, and what brought us to this website was the realization that we had a problem or were beginning to worry that we might.

Hope you will reread your post and continue to stick around on SR, you will find amazing people with good advice and support.

ashamedtobehere

Well, I'm awake.

I realize I have a drinking problem. Not an 'addiction' mind you, in the classic sense to the chemicals and drugs at work - I have an addiction to 'excess.' I think it's more mental then anything - I've been suicidal and I think I'm just trying to 'snuff out my own mind' when I drink. I try to get out of this head that's always a swirling mess of chaos.

I've been trying meditation, yoga and herbal teas lately to try and stop a lot of my anxiety. I'm poor, live in a very rural area and there's not many resources out there for me to address what I think is a psychological issue in what I've self-diagnosed as GAD. I think the alcohol ties into that. It's not just alcohol though, any drug I've done(I don't do drugs, once a year maybe, I'm stringent on that) I do in excess. I do all things to an extreme.

I would rather blow my own brains out though then be labeled an 'alcoholic.' In my life, having lived through murder, abuse and suicide due to alcohol, for me to have followed down that road is inconceivable. It wouldn't be a physical disease at that point it would be a weakness of spirit and lack of will.

I'm a binge drinker = that's literally a textbook definition of what I am. It's a problem for me. But I can't seem to put the beer away for good, any longer then a period of a month. I'll go a month, get insanely drunk and do HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE things and then be sober for a month.

I'm tired of black out nights, waking up and thinking, 'Oh god, who do I have to apologize to.' I've had enough of those nights that in recent days, I just tell people, 'It wasn't me. A drunk person isn't a truthful person; it'sa mutant version of someone's mind. Nonsense flies out of me when I'm drunk."

I just wish I could drink alone - I never get to. Maybe if I just drink by myself once a month, I'd be okay. I couldn't upset anyone or hurt anyone, I'd have no regrets in the morning in how I behaved. That's my true issue with binge drinking - the shame you have at having been 'someone else.' Someone you hate. I have a lot more problems going on then just this - again I'll lay money I've got a concrete mental illness that I can't overcome and can't get help for. Only medicine that provides relief I have access to is good ol' beer.

When someone's drowning in anxiety, how can they turn away from the only thing that gives them a respite and a sense of relief? It's the day after I hate; the day of drinking I love. When I am drunk and I've stripped away all that was me; I'm happy. I'm happy to not be me anymore; it's a wonderful escape out of a caged mind.

DisplacedGRITS

Ashamed, i had to admit defeat against alcohol and weigh it value out. I had to decide what it was really worth to me. Was it worth all the pain and regret of the next day? Was it worth the deep feeling od unease and the lack of worth i felt after a particularly bad round of drinking? Was it worth the loss of self and self respect? Was it worth the loss of relationships, health and future? No. But deciding that meant i had to deal with what not drinking would mean. It means that i had to sit on my hands and be uncomfortable a lot in the beginning. It meas dealing with emotions instead of covering them with alcohol. It means accepting that i can't drink at all because when it comes to my relationship with alcohol, it's an adversarial one and alcohol always wins the fight. It means accepting that i'm going to be uncomfortable and not get to do what i want, when i want all the time. I means acting like a frogdamn adult instead of a spoiled child in matters of alcohol.

Look, let go of this lable gripe, ok? You can call yourself a giraffe if it means that you're going to face the truth about your situation and willingly embrace a plan to disengage yourself from alcohol for the rest of your life. Is part of the reason your avoiding calling yourself an alcoholic or someone with an addiction the fact that you don't want to quit drinking? You just want to control it? Because if that's the case, you've got some more time of regret ahead of you until you're finally ready to set the bottle down for good.

What you need isn't always what you want. Do what you need to do right now and that's abstinance. It starts with admitting that you're powerless against alcohol and committing yourself to not taking that first drink. Come up with a plan for what you can do instead of drink. Read, watch a movie, engage in a hobby, come here and read/post....learn to recognize your triggers. Is it a time of the day/week? A place you sit at? Someone you talk to? Somewhere you go? Something you do? Start trying to understand what brings on the urge to drink and what you can to to help that urge pass. You will be uncomfortable and part of you is not going to like this at all but if you want to get some control over your life back and you're serious about sobriety then do it. There's no magic here. Just hard work and dedication. I'm celebrating 9 months without a drink today and i went from being a sun up to sundown and everything in between vodka drinker to not a drop in the span of a heartbeat. I was a hopeless, sad, pitiful, passout drunk 9 months ago. I'm nothing special but i got to where i am now by being willing to be uncomfortable and sometimes unhappy in sobriety. Because those feelings pass. And when they do, the relief that comes is much greater than the fake relief that alcohol brings. It just takes longer to get there. I hope you give it a shot.

Call yourself what you will. Hi, my name's Lisa and i'm a grateful alcoholic.

Xune

There isn't a rule anywhere that states one must subscribe to a label.

Either booze causes problems or it doesn't. If it does cause problems, what are you prepared to do about it? It's a simple as that.

There isn't a person or Overlord anywhere who hands out labels to people who've stopped drinking alcohol.

You would be shocked at the number of people in recovery who suffer from a mental illness, including anxiety.

Dejvice

alcoholism is a progressive illness......it creeps up on you over the years. At 25 I only drank on a Friday night. 20 years later 8, 9, 10, 11 beers a night...wine when cooking....any old excuse......drink when depressed, drink when happy, any excuse. The 'great' thing about alcohol and being an alchoholic is that you always have a reason to drink, get loaded, binge what ever.

So where you going to be when your 40.....still binge drinking but every night?