tara8888

I'm sorry in advance for writing such a negative (and long) post, but right now I really don't know where else to turn and I need to vent. A little background: I am a 31 yr old married mom to two toddlers and I have been posting on SR for only a few months. I have attempted to quit drinking countless times over the past 10 years.

I really, honestly, don't think I can quit drinking for good. You might say that is my AV talking (I quit during my pregnancies with the help of AVRT). You might say I am powerless over alcohol (I have read and considered AA). You might say I am just trapped and stupid and physically dependant (I have read Over the Influence, Beyond the Influence, and countless other books on alcoholism and recovery).

The more I "try" to quit, the worse it gets. Making it through one day without picking up a drink is like fighting constantly with myself. I am already tired enough as it is with all that I do.

I have a loving husband, a wonderful family, and I honestly don't think the alcohol use is affecting us that badly. The financial issues are nil (we have plenty of money), I never drink and drive (we have a huge home with tons of stuff to do and lots of acreage on our property so the kids usually want to stay home), I am a good mom (hard as that may be to believe due to my alcohol use). I am what you would consider a "functioning alcoholic". (as a side note, my father is CEO of a huge company and also what I would call a "functioning alcoholic"- he has done extremely well his whole life despite alcohol use/abuse). I wake up without a hangover even though I drink a lot. I get up in the middle of the night to comfort my kids when they cry even though I drank 10 beers the day before. The kids go to daycare 2x per week so I have time to myself to catch up on chores and such.

The biggest issue that I can see is my physical health. I feel good now, but I am scared to death of developing a serious problem, like cirrosus (sp). I am a triathlete and runner and I love to get outdoors and enjoy the world. So far, alcohol hasn't really slowed me down.

But really, something MUST be wrong with drinking practically every day?!? I eat healthy, I work out, I have a Master's degree, I have a perfect life... yet I know that drinking so much cannot be good for me and for the life of me I don't know how to just quit. Seems like it should be so simple but it isn't.

Any and all advice is appreciated!
Tara

Xune

Alcohol addiction kills.

Have you considered an inpatient treatment program to get yourself well?

The best gift you could give your kids, is to love yourself and stay sober.

Anna

Well, I needed to want to stop drinking badly, before I could make it work. If you think your life is great and everything is perfect, I would think it would be very hard to be motivated to stop drinking.

And, quitting drinking is not simple, in my opinion. Yes, the stopping drinking part is straight-forward, but why are you drinking? What are you running away from? What feelings are you avoiding? Those things are not simple.

freshstart57

I think you can indeed quit drinking for good, anyone can. If you think I am wrong, and I'm sure that is your first reaction, please play along and write down each reason that prevents you from quitting. Are any of them insurmountable? Are any of them real or are they instead simply constructs in your mind that will continue to feed your addiction?

I wonder if you need to understand that you 'may' quit drinking for good, and that you give yourself permission to quit. You can quit, you only need to believe that you are capable of doing it. Give yourself permission to do it, to suffer a bit, to develop a few new tools. Then jump! Your only regret will be not having done it sooner.

SavingSelf

Are there any negatives to your drinking?

doggonecarl

No, not yet.

Tara, nothing I or anyone else says is going to convince you to quit. You have the facts of your drinking right in front of your face and still you rationalize that drinking is okay.

It sounds like you have a wonderful life. I hope it doesn't take losing it all to convince you.

Good luck.

bloss

Look back to a post you made last June, try to remember how you felt and the resolve you felt to stop drinking.

Take care

phoebe64

My life was wonderful but at 46, after drinking less than you do for about 5 years of daily use, I found myself diabetic and to have liver fibrosis. Not cirrhosis yet, but damage.

So it might not be your life unraveling, it might be your health and longevity.

2granddaughters

Tara, the fact that you are posting here tells me you know you are somewhere between Heaven and Hell.... the question is "Which way am I headed" ??

May I suggest you attend a few "open" AA meetings in your area. You are not asked to participate and the "open" meetings are open to the public. See if you can identify with the speakers there, their life stories.

If the drink is bothering you, then give it up and all will be well.

If you can't give it up and live sober, then come join us in the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Some light may be shed on the subject by Googling AA's "The Doctors Opinion" and "How it works".

My daughter-in-law's brother is a triathlete, listening to his schedule at family gatherings makes me sweat

All the best.

Bob R

phoenix365

I don't think you are ready. You haven't hit your bottom. Trust me on this. Only you can decide when you've hit your bottom. I pray you can find it sooner or later. I'll make a suggestion...read TO THE WIVES and THE FAMILY AFTER, in the Big Book. Read for the similarities. My guess is you have quite a bit. If those kids and your husband mean anything to you, please don't wait until you get served divorce papers and your husband only gives you weekend visits. The fact that you are on here is a first step. Early sobriety is an absolute asswhip. The first 60 days are hell on Earth. It gets better.

Good luck

oakwood

Moderation is not an option for me because I tried it over 1,000 times and it always led to over-drinking and trouble. Is is time I learned from the past!

The easiest guaranteed way never to have more trouble associated with drinking is to never take that first drink.

Tara

I copied this post of yours from another thread. So, if you believe you can't quit drinking completely and moderation isn't an option for you, you're kind of stuck with staying on the path your on right now, wouldn't you say? I don't really think that's true and I bet you don't think so either, otherwise you wouldn't be posting here and trying to figure things out.

I too have a loving husband and a wonderful family. And when I was your age, I didn't think my drinking was affecting us badly, either. I wasn't drinking practically every day like you are, though. But, over the years it did progress until one day, and I really can't say when or how it happened, I realized I was in some serious trouble - I was drinking every day, a lot. It's almost like one day it was ok and the next day it was a full-blown problem.

Are you saying you want to stay on the path your on now but just not have any health problems related to drinking? That's the way I'm reading what you've written. If so, I can assure you that sustained alcohol abuse will get you in trouble with both your physical and mental health.

But, I'm sure you know that. You seem very intelligent although, right now, you are trying to justify your drinking. We've all been there at some point, trying to make it ok even when we know it isn't.

You've come to a good place. Keep reading and learning - that's a good way to start. There are many ways to quit; AA isn't the only way. Have you checked our Secular Connections forum? You might find something you like there. Spend some time reading our Friends and Family forum. Get a feel for what it's like to live with an alcoholic. It's heartbreaking to learn what our families go through, and often as alcoholics, we aren't even anywhere near understanding their pain.

Riel

Tara, how do you figure you're a "good mom" when you're drinking 10 beers in a day in front of your children?

Part of you realizes you have a big problem, another part is in complete denial.

Stop drinking, and get some therapy. Quit listening to your own lies.

tara8888

thank you so much, everyone, for your responsed.

I have not really considered inpatient because we don't have anyone that could take care of the kids while I go and my husband would not let me go because he needs me here with the family too much (and he doesn't think it's necessary).

The biggest negative right now, which seems stupid and silly, is that I am going from being thin to being average weight, which makes me feel super fat. The other negatives are things that I have a horrible feeling will show up later - ill health, death, etc.

I realize I am probably just trying to justify my drinking.

I should give AA a chance and I will give this more thought.

Thank you for reminding me of me previous posts. It is just so hard some days to keep a positive attitude about it.

In terms of a bottom, I don't know if I ever will hit one. I don't want to wait for it. My husband won't leave me (for things I won't go into here) and if he does, I will be okay. That is so horrible to say, but it's not impetus to change. In fact, maybe that's a big part of the problem. I've said too much, but so be it.

So, how do I change? We all know it is so hard to just "not drink the first one" and I know that's what I need to do. AA, I suppose, is the only thing left that I haven't fully tried. I think I just need to be "ready" to quit, ready to change, but I feel like I'm trying to force myself to be ready.

bloss

It is so wonderful that you are trying to help yourself! Just keep an open mind about what you hear. Take good care.

tara8888

Maybe I'm not a good mom. But, from 8pm to midnight I am awake and the kids are asleep. That's four hours that I can have 4-5 drinks and my kids don't see a thing. They sleep until 7 or so and I wake up with them. That is a typical pattern and they aren't so involved with the drinking.

Purplecatlover

It is a slippery slope indeed.
I have a lot in common with you & somehow the line became blurred between "my drinking is not a problem" to "my drinking is going to destroy everything I've ever loved or worked for"
If you can't control your drinking, it's already controlling you.

Xune

...but...but...it will progress and get worse.

My kids asleep, I would drink from 8pm, sometimes until 5 am.

It didn't start out like that...it did however turn into that.

You can get sober. I've been clean 5 months and did so without AA. There are many, many ways to get and stay sober.

It has to start with a decision.

I made my decision and I will never again have another alcoholic drink...for the rest of my life.

Alcohol is no longer an option in my life and it can be the same for you.

You have to make the choice and then work for recovery.

bloss

When my kids were young, I would try to hide my drinking from them, but as they got a bit older they figured out I was drinking. They are grown now, but I still feel sad I drank like I did. Nothing really bad happened, just embarrassing things. Still, I made amends to them and things are better now. Keep thinking about your future health and your children.

MIRecovery

Loving husband, great job, wonderful kids, highly educated, rich high functioning alcoholic dad, great physical condition, good diet, blah blah blah.

I can say most of the same things plus I have two dogs and at the end of the day I am just an ordinary garden variety drunk. Nothing more nothing less. This was a very, very, bitter pill for me to swallow. I wanted to convince myself I was a special drunk. This is what is called terminal uniqueness. Somehow I am different so the rules do not apply to me.

Now comes the conundrum we all face. Either we quit drinking completely and forever or we get worse. No middle ground, no alternatives, no options.

If you are willing to quit once and for all then there are multiple alternatives. If not things will go downhill either fast or slow.

So the million dollar questions is? Are you ready to say good bye to your best friend, your lover, your protector forever?

Riel

Tara - do you want your kids to have a mom who is really good at managing her drinking problem? Or do you want your kids to have a mom who doesn't have to worry about that?

I'm not trying to make you feel worse about yourself. I'm trying to encourage the part of you that knows you can do better.