Tarot

He was supposed to be getting released from prison this morning, instead I get a phone call from him saying he has to serve another 7 days..?? He tells me that it's because he had other charges and would rather do extra time than have them hanging over his head. I don't believe him in anything he says, for odious reasons and wondered if you think it's more likely that they have drug tested him and he's caught and that's why he's serving extra time. What do you think? Plus remember he asked me to try and get him some money in the other day...this is all a bit fishy ay.

Katiekate

It think the more important issue is that you don't trust or believe a word he says.

LoveMeNow

Good morning Tarot,

Why are you still talking to him? What are you getting out it? Are you paying for these calls, paying to be lied to? Just something for you to think about!

outtolunch

This would be reason enough for me to not welcome him back home.

" But I love him so" is the excuse we often use to keep chaos in our own lives and that of our children.

Wesley423

it wouldnt be hard to find out. arrests and charges are public record. just see if the charges he was arrested for are the same and if they havent change the extra time is for something that happened while he was in. just an idea. your pal in recovery..Wes..

SoConfused410

This is my first time posting anything on this site, so I hope I'm doing it right, but from what I know if he had more time to do he wouldn't just be finding out on the morning of his release. More than likely there is some deception going on!

Tarot

Thanks everyone. Just as I thought, something is defiantly not adding up here! Plus you're right I don't have to believe anything he says. He tells so many lies he can't expect me to believe a word of anything he says even if it could be the truth. I'm not paying for anything I never do and in fact told his Dad today that he should never give him any money no matter what he says because he may as well be buying heroin for him. I really don't know why I'm continuing to read his letters of answer his calls because it just sets me up for more disappointment, confusion and pain. I wish I could erase him from my mind and I guess the easiest way to get there is no contact. I'm getting NOTHING from this relationship other than stress, pain, depression, worry etc etc. I really don't need this in my life anymore!

dollydo

So, do something about it, go no contact...actions not words. He is a career crimminal, why in the world do you bother with him? My bet is that he will be back in the slammer in less than 6 months. He has nothing to offer you but heartache.

Katiekate

It isn't easy, but it's probably best.

LoveMeNow

Keep searching for the reason. It is there but hard to find sometimes but important to acknowledge

I know for me, I had to search my ego. What I learned was I still liked the sense of being needed, the sense of importance it gave me. I still liked feeling like the "savior." It took me a long time to surrender, to know that I was powerless and even longer for acceptance. Then it took me a longer time to figure out what I was getting out of it. IMO, many of us have a selfish or unhealthy reasons to continue to ride the roller coaster and not get off and just let go and let God.

Tarot

I don't know LMN, I think it was ego that got me into this relationship. After my EXAH got into heroin 4 years into our relationship and lost myself and his kids because of it I guess I always felt guilty I had not done more to help him. That was my thinking. Now I know better but I always felt guilt because my boys had lost their dad though it was absolutely the right decision.

This time, with this one, he said before we got together how he wished he just had some help, a stable home and help to kick his habit and for the first three months he was clean on subutex. I think that's where my ego came in...he was giving up his habit to be with me where as my ex never did.

As for now, now I have learned a lot more about addicts and their insanity, I realise just how lost he is and how little he cares about himself. The only reason he will go into recovery I think is if I stand by him, if I don't then he will just think F*it what's the point. The feeling of being needed for me is a bind, a curse and it's more guilt that even love these days because I don't even know if I love him anymore - how can I love some one I don't trust? Our relationship has been a nightmare and plunged me into deep depression, stress and fear.

I think he's too old an addict to be changing without some help and I feel turning my back on him will be like signing his death sentence. This is a 17 year IV user having been into drugs and alcohol for all of his adult life. I'm the only stable thing he's ever had in his life. Trust me it's not nice having this responsibility, this man has no rock bottom. While he was with me, in my company he was clean most of the time. When he used he did it away from me although I did see him around in his Mr Hyde states but I knew him mostly as the lovely Dr Jeckyl. It's a very rare privilege to have known him like that because he was really lovely and has never done me any harm except to lie and hurt me though he hates himself for that.

At the end of the day I have to turn my back on him for my own mental and emotional sake and because I have to set an example for my teenage sons. Though they're fond of him and he's only been a positive in their lives so far, things aren't getting better, in fact they're getting worse and this is as far as I'm allowing things to go. So I have no choice unless he goes 110% into recovery and he can't or won't do that if he's back out on the streets. Being his only hope in hell is not a good feeling at all and I wish he even at least had a roof over his head. I have no choice but to send him back out there now and without me he will have no reason to even try and will continue as he always has until he wakes up dead...as his dad put it today. To be fair on him he really did try while he was here but I guess it was just too hard for him and his rehab just didn't come soon enough.

After 6 weeks of him out of here I have been getting stronger but I'm up and down like a yoyo. It's just so sad. I feel he's had his chance and blown it and afraid he won't get another. He's had a very sad life and I think it will have a very sad end. It tears me apart to turn my back on him and goes against every fibre of my soul. This is a dreadful disease one I fear he will never beat. He's lost so many friends, two only last week to the same disease, there's not much doubt that he will be next and the thought of having to live with that thinking I could have done more is what makes me answer his calls and read his letters and search in vain for something I could do to get through to him. But I've tried for far too long now already and I have to come to terms with the fact that he's a lost cause.

All I can do is pray for a miracle, pray that I'm doing the only right thing which is to look after myself and my boys and pray nothing bad happens to him anytime soon so that I don't feel responsible. I think half the time I only answer the phone is to know that he's still alive. Fear Obligation and Guilt (FOG) is no reason to be with somebody, if he ever did kick this then I would have no reason to ever leave him because apart from that he's got a heart of gold, he's funny, intelligent and handsome and all the things a girl could ask for but he doesn't see that. He hates himself. He has no rock bottom because he's always been at rock bottom. He just can't see his potential. He always said that I could go out and get any man I wanted...even the fact that I chose him didn't make him see. If I had have known what I know now to be honest I never would have gone near him because this has scarred me for life. I don't think I will ever bother having another relationship again now...I've had enough for one lifetime!

dollydo

I hope that you stick to your resolve and continue to make good choices for you and your children.

Tarot

No worries there Dollydo. I have no choice. My boys are my life. I won't let him back purely because I can not let this disease infect them. He's just some boyfriend at the end of the day. My boys are the main reason. As for me, I've been through the worst bit, I get days now where I don't feel too bad at all (today's not one). But it's taken 6 weeks of misery to start feeling ok most days. I know if I take him back he will only let me down again and I will be back to square one and have to go through it all over again. Even if he does sort himself out now I'm not sure I would take him back because I don't ever want to feel like this again. I've been through loads of break ups but this one hurt more than any other. I guess it's the guilt and worry, the way they get you into that codependancy. I guess before long I will forget the nice side of him and only see him in that Mr Hyde state and forget that he even has a nice side.

I'll be ok. Just having a down day I guess. Thanks.

outtolunch

It sounds like you are more in love with your own hopeful fantasy of what he could be, if only

I define my own codependency as a disease of my own ego.
The addict in my life ( now recovering) is my daughter. At one point in time I really thought I had the power to fix her so that she could mature and realize my fantasy of what her life should be like.

In many ways I was sicker than she was, back then. I had convinced myself that it was my job to create endless opportunities for her to get clean and rebuild her life. At the time, I failed to grasp the concept of free will and that she was going to live her life as she wanted to do no matter what I did not not.

The day I surrendered, let go and decided to save myself was my turning point.

Tarot

Thankyou Outtolunch for that. You're so right. It's so hard to see when you're stuck in it some I feel I'm getting stronger then the next lost and confused. I think I'm becoming as Jeckyl and Hyde as he is! I'm so tired of trying to figure this all out. I'm making plans to go away for a few days I just need to stop thinking about it all. Thanks for pointing all this out hun x

outtolunch

I can relate to this. The longer we stay emeshed in unhealthy relationships with addicts, the more we begin to resemble them.

I am not remotely religious and yet I made the Serenity Prayer my mantra.
Consider it.

Maylie

I'm happy that you have decided that enough is enough and to put your boys first.

Sometimes we get caught up in the "whys" and forget that it doesn't matter why he is still there, what matters is what we are going to do to end the cycle of insanity.

Going away for a couple days seems like a really good idea help you get your head straight and get away from the stress for a little.

Have you made it clear to him that he is not welcome to come back to your house when he does finally get released?