Lost in Hong Kong
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: New Orleans
Posts: 12
Lost in Hong Kong
Hello everyone,
I'm new to this site and could use a little support. I'm afraid this post might run a bit long, but in short: 1) I'll introduce myself with a quick overview; 2) offer one important lesson; and 3) conclude with a commitment to being accountable:
I grew up with two alcoholic parents and, seeing them turn strange and pass out each night, I swore I would never drink. Got to college, got drunk for the first time, and all bets were off. Outdrank everyone and soon I couldn't go more than one day without getting drunk. I remember counting hours and never made it past fifty hours between drinks. I soon realized I had a problem (although everyone in my life denied it) and tried my best to get sober on my own. Thus began the scary feedback loop of a few sober weeks or months followed by a devastating binge, alone on rooftops or in alleyways.
By my late twenties, I'd stay sober for a year, then tell myself I could drink 'normally' again. Of course, the binges became even more catastrophic. I stayed sober on my own for three years, which collapsed during a terrifying week-long binge in a hotel. Promising myself this would be the last time, I quit smoking as well as drinking and trained to run a marathon. And I did it. A few weeks later, I lost my mother to liver disease. I stayed sober for nearly four years.
This year has been tough. Started smoking cigarettes again. Got diagnosed with depression and panic disorder after finally deciding to see a psychiatrist, who prescribed Lexapro and Xanax. Soon I was abusing the Xanax, doing all kinds of drugs and a few months later, I was back to drinking. And now, each time I drank it led to a total blackout, sometimes lasting days. Nearly had a seizure during withdrawal from a week of whiskey and I was taken to detox in July. Stayed sober for a couple of months, went to AA and got a sponsor for the first time, but I didn't put my heart into it, still thinking I could do this on my own, because I'd had so many sober years behind me.
A few weeks ago, I got some Xanax (it's so easy to get a prescription, it's scary) and started drinking again. Lost days. Except I knew I needed to get to Hong Kong for an important project. I'm terrified of flying, so I ate more Xanax and drank on the plane. By the time I landed in Hong Kong, I cracked up in the worst way. I did things I never dreamed I would ever do. Lost more days. Woke up in frightening situations. Basically took a wrecking ball to everything I care about.
Here's the hard-learned lesson that has been said a thousand times, but I want to reiterate for anyone who might be on the fence w/r/t their drinking problem or the possibility of moderation: this compulsion for alcohol, it sleeps and bides its time. It is progressive. It gets worse even if you're not drinking. Two, three, four years went by without a sip and each time I took one drink, I was worse off than I'd ever been before. The 'kindling effect' is true.
The only reason I stopped drinking is because the person I love was coming to Hong Kong to help with this project and the exhibition was opening the next day. If it weren't for these two things, I know I would've kept drinking and doing drugs until something terrible happened. Terrified, I drew a bright line on December 1. If I drink again, I'll likely end up dead. I know I need to do something different this time, that everything they were telling me in those AA rooms is true, and I cannot do this alone.
Over the past seven days, my health is slowly returning. More than anything, I want to be at home and go to meetings and take care of myself, but I need to finish this project. Then I'm off to Dubai and London and won't be home for another ten days. I'm alone in Hong Kong again and I do not want to drink. Each night there are elaborate dinners, cocktail parties, and media events that I must attend and I'm hanging in there, refusing the free glasses of champagne and even whiskey that they bring around on little trays.
But I'm working hard, stressed out, alone in a strange city, and I'm taking a couple of long-haul flights in three days and I can feel the anxiety and panic building. I do not want to drink. I cannot raise my sponsor via email, but I need to be accountable to somebody —*even if it's just myself, in this thread —*because it'd be so easy to pick up one of those little iced glasses of free whiskey. Or to hit the beer vending machine that's just outside the door of my hotel room.
So if it's alright with you, I'm going to check in here each day until I get back home. Thanks for listening.
I'm new to this site and could use a little support. I'm afraid this post might run a bit long, but in short: 1) I'll introduce myself with a quick overview; 2) offer one important lesson; and 3) conclude with a commitment to being accountable:
I grew up with two alcoholic parents and, seeing them turn strange and pass out each night, I swore I would never drink. Got to college, got drunk for the first time, and all bets were off. Outdrank everyone and soon I couldn't go more than one day without getting drunk. I remember counting hours and never made it past fifty hours between drinks. I soon realized I had a problem (although everyone in my life denied it) and tried my best to get sober on my own. Thus began the scary feedback loop of a few sober weeks or months followed by a devastating binge, alone on rooftops or in alleyways.
By my late twenties, I'd stay sober for a year, then tell myself I could drink 'normally' again. Of course, the binges became even more catastrophic. I stayed sober on my own for three years, which collapsed during a terrifying week-long binge in a hotel. Promising myself this would be the last time, I quit smoking as well as drinking and trained to run a marathon. And I did it. A few weeks later, I lost my mother to liver disease. I stayed sober for nearly four years.
This year has been tough. Started smoking cigarettes again. Got diagnosed with depression and panic disorder after finally deciding to see a psychiatrist, who prescribed Lexapro and Xanax. Soon I was abusing the Xanax, doing all kinds of drugs and a few months later, I was back to drinking. And now, each time I drank it led to a total blackout, sometimes lasting days. Nearly had a seizure during withdrawal from a week of whiskey and I was taken to detox in July. Stayed sober for a couple of months, went to AA and got a sponsor for the first time, but I didn't put my heart into it, still thinking I could do this on my own, because I'd had so many sober years behind me.
A few weeks ago, I got some Xanax (it's so easy to get a prescription, it's scary) and started drinking again. Lost days. Except I knew I needed to get to Hong Kong for an important project. I'm terrified of flying, so I ate more Xanax and drank on the plane. By the time I landed in Hong Kong, I cracked up in the worst way. I did things I never dreamed I would ever do. Lost more days. Woke up in frightening situations. Basically took a wrecking ball to everything I care about.
Here's the hard-learned lesson that has been said a thousand times, but I want to reiterate for anyone who might be on the fence w/r/t their drinking problem or the possibility of moderation: this compulsion for alcohol, it sleeps and bides its time. It is progressive. It gets worse even if you're not drinking. Two, three, four years went by without a sip and each time I took one drink, I was worse off than I'd ever been before. The 'kindling effect' is true.
The only reason I stopped drinking is because the person I love was coming to Hong Kong to help with this project and the exhibition was opening the next day. If it weren't for these two things, I know I would've kept drinking and doing drugs until something terrible happened. Terrified, I drew a bright line on December 1. If I drink again, I'll likely end up dead. I know I need to do something different this time, that everything they were telling me in those AA rooms is true, and I cannot do this alone.
Over the past seven days, my health is slowly returning. More than anything, I want to be at home and go to meetings and take care of myself, but I need to finish this project. Then I'm off to Dubai and London and won't be home for another ten days. I'm alone in Hong Kong again and I do not want to drink. Each night there are elaborate dinners, cocktail parties, and media events that I must attend and I'm hanging in there, refusing the free glasses of champagne and even whiskey that they bring around on little trays.
But I'm working hard, stressed out, alone in a strange city, and I'm taking a couple of long-haul flights in three days and I can feel the anxiety and panic building. I do not want to drink. I cannot raise my sponsor via email, but I need to be accountable to somebody —*even if it's just myself, in this thread —*because it'd be so easy to pick up one of those little iced glasses of free whiskey. Or to hit the beer vending machine that's just outside the door of my hotel room.
So if it's alright with you, I'm going to check in here each day until I get back home. Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Getting there
Posts: 216
be strong as hell.....be hard on yourself....say no. It takes a very strong person to say NO. Stop. Alcoholism will take your job, your family, loved ones, friends etc. Alcoholsm will take everything from you.....and I mean everything. If you are really lucky at the end alcoholism might leave you with a life.....but by that point you won't have a life.
So check in again here.....write a load of stuff.....how it's going etc....SR really helps, just reading about what people have experienced will help.
I remember the first week I stopped.....about over three months ago....I did the first weekend alone.....sent my family away. It was a long weekend, watched movies, thought about things, spent a load of time on SR, reading etc. For sure it provided support and still does.
How good do I feel now?....I feel brilliant for a few reasons.
1. Made the decision to stop.
2. I stopped.
3. I stop every day, every week, every month ( hopefully every year)
4. Finally......I feel so good cos life is just getting better and better and better.
So check in again here.....write a load of stuff.....how it's going etc....SR really helps, just reading about what people have experienced will help.
I remember the first week I stopped.....about over three months ago....I did the first weekend alone.....sent my family away. It was a long weekend, watched movies, thought about things, spent a load of time on SR, reading etc. For sure it provided support and still does.
How good do I feel now?....I feel brilliant for a few reasons.
1. Made the decision to stop.
2. I stopped.
3. I stop every day, every week, every month ( hopefully every year)
4. Finally......I feel so good cos life is just getting better and better and better.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Beige, I'm going to follow you every day with interest and best wishes for your recovery. Hang on in there because if you can get through this hard time with alcohol all around you, it will strengthen you so much. Focus on the wonderful feeling in the morning, the lack of self-reproach and the strengthening of your purpose. You're not alone and I'm sure others will come into this thread and tell you the same. Thinking of you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Yes, do check in with SR. And, on those long flights, be extra careful of that drinks trolley the flight attendants roll down the aisle. What with all the fatigue and stress of plane travel these days a person is very vulnerable indeed! Good luck. Every good wish.
W.
W.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Surprise AZ
Posts: 293
Welcome Beige, that is an immensely powerful story. You will never be alone here! Keep reading there are miracles all over this web site! Also, join our December class thread we are a bunch of people that got sober in December like you. We can all help each other stay sober together.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...er-2012-a.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...er-2012-a.html
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,145
Of course - check in as often as you need.
Thank you for sharing. I am 8 months sober and sometimes wonder... will I ever be able to drink 'normally' again? Of course I always end up with the same answer: no way, and I have SR to thank for that and the people, like you, who post here as a reminder. Thank you again.
Thank you for sharing. I am 8 months sober and sometimes wonder... will I ever be able to drink 'normally' again? Of course I always end up with the same answer: no way, and I have SR to thank for that and the people, like you, who post here as a reminder. Thank you again.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: San Diego
Posts: 611
Please come back and let us know how you're doing! Man you've got a lot on your plate and I know how hard it is. Thank you for the reminder about the progressive nature of the disease / allergy we call alcoholism! I haven't picked up a drink in a few years and sometimes a cold craft beer or nice glass of wine starts to look really good.
I used to work in Aviation so I know how it is to travel alone and try to stay sober. It's scary but you've had time before and you can put together time again and get your life back on track. Don't forget the way you felt 7 days ago! Journal about it and save that somewhere in case the urge to drink returns. As far as flying goes, probably doesn't help much, but I've logged thousands of flight hours in my lifetime and never had even a scare. I'm a pilot and we go through so much training it's NUTS. You really are safe in the sky! Much safer than in your car actually. Haha. Maybe you can take a Tylenol PM next time? Or try something natural like Valerian Root or Melatonin? Idk. Just an idea.
Look forward to hearing about your journey of recovery. So glad you're here. Thanks again for the post.
I used to work in Aviation so I know how it is to travel alone and try to stay sober. It's scary but you've had time before and you can put together time again and get your life back on track. Don't forget the way you felt 7 days ago! Journal about it and save that somewhere in case the urge to drink returns. As far as flying goes, probably doesn't help much, but I've logged thousands of flight hours in my lifetime and never had even a scare. I'm a pilot and we go through so much training it's NUTS. You really are safe in the sky! Much safer than in your car actually. Haha. Maybe you can take a Tylenol PM next time? Or try something natural like Valerian Root or Melatonin? Idk. Just an idea.
Look forward to hearing about your journey of recovery. So glad you're here. Thanks again for the post.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: New Orleans
Posts: 12
Thank you all for the incredibly kind notes. It means more than you'll ever know. Just got back from a ridiculous cocktail function in a posh ballroom filled with free booze and everybody was swimming in it. Strangers handed me drinks as everybody clinked glasses and although I'm disoriented, anxious, and tempted to make-believe I can drink without catastrophe, I held tight to my glass of water. I made the expected small talk and returned straight to my room at midnight, walking quickly past the wild bars and all-night liquor shops. Felt wonderful to pop open my laptop and see these reassuring notes from you.
Tomorrow I'm working on installing my project and, rather than taking smoke breaks, I plan to take breaks to jot down raw & honest notes in response to Step 1, which I've never done before. In the evening, I might try to hit an AA meeting in Hong Kong —*thanks for that link, MIRecovery.
And BabyJane, your comments about flying are a huge help. I have no idea how I developed this fear, but I white knuckle the entire flight in a state of constant panic. (This almost seems like a bad metaphor for my recovery.) I'm determined to make my flight on Monday without any chemical props.
Onwards to day eight. Thanks again, and I'll check in tomorrow.
Tomorrow I'm working on installing my project and, rather than taking smoke breaks, I plan to take breaks to jot down raw & honest notes in response to Step 1, which I've never done before. In the evening, I might try to hit an AA meeting in Hong Kong —*thanks for that link, MIRecovery.
And BabyJane, your comments about flying are a huge help. I have no idea how I developed this fear, but I white knuckle the entire flight in a state of constant panic. (This almost seems like a bad metaphor for my recovery.) I'm determined to make my flight on Monday without any chemical props.
Onwards to day eight. Thanks again, and I'll check in tomorrow.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Beige, how are you doing? Congratulations on getting through your cocktail party without mishap. I hope your installation went smoothly. Try not to get too tired, hungry or emotional. Lots of deep breaths
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