PohsFriend

Yesterday I had an appointment with the rehab clinic, wife could not make it so we rescheduled for today. Wife had some other errands so I reminded her to get home in time to pick us up and get there on time.

She was late and just back from her individual counseling and clearly not happy.
Did not speak a word in the car and we had text argued a bit over her getting a hormone based iud - I'm getting snipped next week so the reason is for getting rid of periods... Stupid of me to engage but I see this as part of that whole pill or drink will make troubles go away and this thing has all sorts of side effects and a warning from the maker that it is contraindicated for depression but it could have waited...

We went in and met jointly long enough for me to ensure that the story was accurate and then I waited outside with the little guy.
She was dodging the time commitment but the counselor wasn't biting. Too much time when she has five Aa meetings and individual counseling and is working steps... That's ten hours, this meets nine per week so she pointed out that she could go to Aa the other four days and I pointed out that she could do noon meetings.

While waiting I made it a point to prep for her to either start a fight to guilt me with or try to dodge. I was ready but still I took the bait. Before we even got to the elevator she said they had to check whether a nursing infant was allowed because if I have to travel she could not go... I said we will find care, she said only she or I can watch baby and I started getting mad and just said that would NOT prevent this.

Got my composure back and she was silent and a little pissy coming home. Still mad now and barely speaking to me except to say something smells in the kitchen.

So I held my ground and made sure we went and I am not going to buy any ******** about it being too hard. She was supposed to come up with a plan to rebuild trust and she tried to make this go away but this time I just wasn't going to risk that and hope for a better outcome.

So I am worried. I expect a fight or guilt but I am really going to focus on not engaging in one. There's been the veiled threat lately of maybe she could recover better away from the strife we have and she knows I am afraid she will bolt but last time I said not to mention that unless she was packed and ready to file and she apologized and said she loved me and has no intention....

So we will see. She said that I have no reason to trust and wants to prove herself and rehab is how she can make amends. This was her choice and we had a deal and she will stick to it. I'm sure her individual session was about me beating her down by not just ignoring it and moving forward and that makes me angry but I know it is just the alcoholic brain panicking over the realization that I am firm on the no alcohol thing.

If I hear the leaving threat again I will just point out that she needs to find a place and get a job and will still do rehab because no judge would deny my request that she complete that before having unsupervised visits and she is not taking him out of here to a less controlled environment. I suck at sticking up for me but for the kid? Easy.

Today was a hard day and I expect a worse one tomorrow but that's ok because this is progress - just need to keep emotions in check and find a way past each objection - this is not punishment, we had a deal and she was unable to keep her end, now there are consequences and she cant blame me for this one.


I love my wife, sometimes that means being willing to lose her rather than allowing her to destroy herself while I watch.

redatlanta

Pohs - congrats on standing your ground. Sounds like you have a bit of an uphill battle here, but maybe she will just finally accept it and make the best of it. Hope that is how it works out.

BrokenHeartWife

I'm confused..

Is this your second wife? Or is this the mother of your older D?

thislonelygirl

Yay you set boundaries and stood up to what you will and wont accept and or tolerate. Thats awesome! As for the birth control...i am currently using implanon have been for the last two years and frankly i agree my birth control has not only caused some irritability but dang it...aside from that i cant lose weight like i could before having it in. its frustrating!
I am glad all is turning around for you aside from the arguements which are basically normal when being with an alcoholic or recovering alcoholic you seem to be handling the situation well and keeping your determination and sanity at the same time.
Rooting for you and your wife.

ShootingStar1

You are doing what you have to do. I admire you for seeing what the center line is in this situation, and returning along that path no matter how your AW wants to divert you. You don't have to be perfect, just feel what you feel, course correct when you to need to. You've got a lot of people here supporting you.

Kudos.

ShootingStar1

PohsFriend

I just felt better after reading the "3 guesses what my AH said when I asked him to go to rehab" thread.

The furious reprisal when she had not followed through after a month and I pushed it
The thinly veiled threat to leave me and try to take baby
The 'im handling it fine with AA but you are making me crazy and want to drink because you are beating me down when I'm already feeling guilty'


I have really been struggling to stand firm and not give in to fear because I don't trust myself not to let my love and sympathy override my certainty that more is needed.

The more she fights it the more convinced I am that things are worse than I thought... She drank for three days and managed to stop and nobody knew. I'm just realizing that was 100 times more dangerous than if she had kept going til she crashed - it reinforces that voice that keeps whispering that she can control it and drink like a normal person with no consequences.

...then here comes me with those consequences and I'm slamming that door she left open a crack and she is torn between knowing she needs it but the alcoholic side of her brain is terrified that she will not drink if she is with me and it is howling mad.

I pray that she listens to the voice that knows she can't drink - in taking a risk of her bolting for good but if I don't follow through then I am saying that no matter what she does I won't follow through and after a few weeks I will forget about it and feel guilty for ever mentioning it.

I love my wife, I may have to be strong enough to do things we will both hate me for temporarily to get to health eventually.

I'd love to let her read my kind for five minutes so she would understand

redatlanta

If she adamantly refuses to go......then it might be worse than you thought.

Correct me if I am wrong but it was September that you found out? She has been in AA for 10 weeks plus marriage counseling?

Time has lapsed, she has been working a recovery. I don't find her reticence to go that surprising this much later nor do I think its necessarily indicative that it is worse than you thought.

Not telling you to lower your guard - I simply find her behavior to be normal in the circumstance. She should definitely go though that was the agreement.

I think she will and may hate you all the way there - I am really pulling for her I hope she goes.

Pelican

RedAtlanta,
It is more than the Sept incident.
She tested positive for amphetamine one week before delivery. Their son had to be tested for drugs immediately after birth.

redatlanta

Pelican - yes I remember that. I think the longer you wait less cooperation in enforcing a boundary.

My .02 - just an opinion.

PohsFriend

Yup she drank in September - third trimester and yes to the question about her not being mom to DD.

I'm glad I didn't push earlier when she was mad. She leveled out after I have her space and she's sweet now.

I would be pissed off too - she stopped on he own and is really doing incredibly well with baby boy and id it was me is feel like I'd already fixed it but wasn't getting credit. I hate all of this for her. I hate the derision and scorn alcoholics get. Yes, they can be maddening while Sri king or struggling thru recovery but the commonalities I keep spotting tell me it's the disease.

Before my dad died the cancer for to his brain - I wouldn't have left a baby with him because he might have hurt it because he thought it was a mouse or something. I cried for him, can't be mad at her.

We are lucky.

Today is a good day, it's 4am, baby boy is snuggling and I love my wife. Busy day Timor... Uhm in a few hours.

Thanks guys, I appreciate you