MiaRose22

Well I've never joined a site like this or talked to strangers before...but I suppose this is the forum I belong in! Though I am young I have lived a life stranger and harder than most...and for some reason that I have yet to understand, alcoholism follows me wherever I go. From my father to my aunt to my uncle to boyfriend after boyfriend...the last was my fiancé! But after the verbal abuse, physical abuse, and loss of a child I had to leave...he wouldn't help himself and i was going to die trying! I took a break from loving others and tried to love myself! It's strange how hard that can be. Eventually I met someone new...he's kind and wonderful...wouldn't hurt a fly! We've been together almost 2 years with a small 2-3month break in the middle....I thought after that little break everything would be better but unfortunately it's gone right back to where it was as far our relationship is concerned. Though work and school and our proffesional lives have prospered the rest is just the same if not worse...the same arguments the same situations the same problems! I feel like I'm stuck in time...stagnant...no place to go and the one person who should be there for me is so far down his own rabbit hole that neither of us can get out! We are both chefs...we work insanely hard with ridiculous hours and run our lives fast paced high energy and at even higher stress levels! And I understand having a drink after work...I enjoy my glass of wine and cheese plate regularly! But his is a whole different ball game...it's a beer or 4 in the afternoon a shot or 2 before work a few more beers and a few more shots after work then across the street to the bar for yet another round before heading home...then of course a couple more beers and at least a half pint of whatever liquor is around with dinner!! And I'm talking the strongest beers and the hardest whiskeys and 92proof rum....EVERYDAY!! And that's on a day he has work...his days off are outrageous! Most people have coffee or tea first thing in the morning!! Not a 40! It wasn't this bad a year ago...and he was drinking to much back then! Now it's insane...completely out of control...it's to the point where he needs it to just function at a normal level! It kills me to hear him cough and heave...the worst is watching his shakes...it's frightening! His hands are never steady until he's had enough to drink. And the personality change is almost as scary...he gets jealous over nothing and you can actually watch him flip between happy to angry to sad to confused to angry....then when he looks like he's gunna blow or unleash it or beat the living hell out of someone he puffs up and pulls it ALL inside and goes silent! I never seen anything like it...Apparently in his youth he was an angry jock who got in fights a lot...after enough concussions he decided his fighting days were over! But instead of finding a healthy outlet he just bottles it up...he's a ticking time bomb and one day he will explode and whomever pushes that last button will surely end up in a hospital. Luckily I know it will never be me but I don't want it to be anyone...I want to help him but I don't want to enable him...yet I can't just walk away...last time I did he only got worse! I don't even know where to begin...talking to him when he's drinking is pointless and he's almost always drunk! Plus his alcohol abuse has even started to affect his brain...he sounds drunk or slow when he's sober! His short term memory is almost non existent and I'm afraid to know what his liver feels like. So I turn to you all...any advice will help...I'm at a loss...do I trick him in to going to AA? do I talk to him and convince him to go? do I give him an ultimatum? Do I talk to his family? Intervention? Detox? Rehab? Where do I start? Because if I don't do something soon he's going to kill himself or someone else...my only savior is that he doesn't drive otherwise he'd have a DUI or have ran over someone or be dead already...please help me help the man/boy I love! My ears and mind are open don't be afraid to harsh or honest I can handle it!
Thank you
Peace&love
~Mia

Rosiepetal

Welcome to SR.
There's a lot of support here for you.
A lot of us are sleeping due to time difference right now but sure they'll be more posts follow.
Have you ever discussed your partners drinking with him?
Unfortunately unless he wants to give up & get well there is not a lot you can do to force him. You will need to take care of yourself however.
It's real hard watching them destroy themselves I know.
I found educating myself on alcoholism was beneficial as was sticking with SR for advice & support.
Hugs, i know it's not easy.

thislonelygirl

I dont know how you can trick a ticking time bomb into rehab and let me say this if you fear for others than you fear for yourself.....dont be in denial that his emotional rollercoaster doesnt include you. it does. it almost always does to those closest.
you dont give him ultimatums...they dont work.
only talk to him sober as ticking time bombs dont talk well especially drunk and leaving is the best thing other than an "ultimatum" you can do for yourself and him.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. Some of our stories are in the Stickies at the top of this main forum page. Stickies are older, permanent posts that have some of our experiences and lots of wisdom.

Following these steps helped me:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

BoxinRotz

You did not cause it!
You can not control it!
You can not cure it!

^^^ Once you wrap your head around that, it seems like the waters part n you get to play on the right side n he's on the wrong side. You will never trick, lie, connive, twist, plan, set up or set him up for rehab or help! It just won't work. He will seek his own and it will be on his terms n conditions whether he's hurting you or not, employed or not, has money or not, is in trouble with the law or not. What's his bottom? We don't know!!!

Keep reading. Keep coming back. Seek ALANON.

PohsFriend

Sorry you came looking, glad you found us.

He does need medical help at this point. The Shakes tell the tale on that - that is an indicator that he is physically addicted to alcohol and that is very serious. He needs medical supervision to detox and stopping abrubtly could be EXTREMELY dangerous.

Do some reading about the stages of alcoholism. There is nothing you can do if he won't seek help but you can give him some information and urge him to get medical help.

Stopping heroine may make an addict wish they were dying but quitting alcohol abruptly can quite literally kill you. My wife's first attempt at sobriety ended with a 3 week stay in the hospital after a seizure and heart attack in an otherwise healthy 35 year old.... He needs medical help through detox THEN AA...

I hope he will seek help, it is not your fault if he is not ready to but rock bottom is approaching if he's that physically dependent.

MiaRose22

Thank you all so much!!! I think I'm going to have to cut him off and let him hit bottom...I don't know what else to do...everything else will just allow him to go back to his old habits!!! Hopefully he turns his life around before he hurts himself...I just gotta let him go! Thank you again your very wise and appreciate the honesty!
<3mia

Hopeworks

Hi Mia,

Welcome.

I thought alcoholism followed me too! I am an adult child of an alcoholic (ACOA) and it turns out that I also have the disease of alcoholism but I don't drink! Alcoholism is a family disease... it affects everyone.

What that means is that I was emotionally damaged as a child of dysfunctional alcoholism in my family of origin. I love alcoholics or at least I would be sure that I was "in love" with them. I can tell you that the right kind of alcoholic set off fireworks and all kinds of chemicals and hormones that a normal man just couldn't do for me!

I know it sounds sick and alcoholism may be following you but I found that if there was hot looking alcoholic in a room of 500 people I would find him... there was usually sparks of fire passing between us! LOL...

Even if you leave this guy and never look back you might want to check out an alanon meeting if those alcoholics keep following you and you keep getting enmeshed with them.

Hope you read the stickies too... very helpful stuff.