Consciousliving

Hello. I've been reading many informative and inspiring posts on this site for the past few days. I would like to be an active member of this site initially for help in stopping my binge cycle and eventually to help others do the same once I feel I can do so. I've been a binge drinker since 1992. I'm 44 now and I've wasted much of my life drinking and isolating. Started socially drinking in college as fun, but after my 3rd year I began hiding from my large group of friends and started drinking alone. I eventually had to move out on my own. I didn't fit in anymore. I don't know exactly why, but my personality changed... anxiety and fear of judgement started taking over, and when I did get out my friends said that I was grasping for attention. I felt uncomfortable in my own skin, so I would leave and go drink alone in my dark studio. Now, 20 years later I'm stuck in this binge cycle and the social isolation is worse (lost my job, so I stay at home and drink hard for a week or so, then recover, over and over). The withdrawal symptoms are getting noticeably worse each time now ("kindling" I've read here) and the last one was absolutely horrible. I'm just getting through it now. I'm lucky that I can still remember life before I started binge drinking...I was outgoing, inspirational, helpful, kind to others and I sought out social interaction. I was good at it and made friends easily...and I want that level of conscious living again! Note that I'm in that part of my cycle where the physical part of the withdrawal is subsiding and I start "seeing the light" and begin making desperate plans for living again. How do I follow through? I have about 4 days before my binge cycle typically begins again. Thank you for reading. I wish all of you the best.

Dee74

Hi and welcome consciousliving

SR helped me turn my life around. I had a place where I could find understanding support...and more than a little hope.

My life was much like yours 5 years ago...I'm living the life I wanted to now, and I'm the person I knew I could be

I know you can turn things around too - keep reaching for help when you need it.

D

Consciousliving

Thanks D. I've read many of your posts...and I'd like to say thank you again. I don't reach out for help, only once before (about 10 yrs ago), and now I remember it feels good to be heard and understood. I will definitely reach out for help again when I need it, and it will be soon.

Delilah1

Welcome to SR!!

You are in a good place to prevent that next binge. Read and post lots on here, and start making a plan to do something other than have that first drink.

Consciousliving

Hi Delilah1. Thanks for the welcome. I have made so many alternative plans over the years. I keep a journal and it's full of inspired plans, failed plans and the inevitable self beratement for failing again...maybe I should throw it away? Maybe it's part of the problem now. I'm too much inside my head. Anyway, thank you again for the kind welcome.

JungleGirl

Welcome conscious hold onto that person you were and know you are deep down, the only way you will get there again is if you stop the cycle. You can be that person again you just have to put in the work!
Good luck, you can do it
x

BabyJane

Hey there Cl -

I too have been where you are. It is a very dark, lonely, scary place. What changed things for me was realizing (as you seem to) that I truly was an alcoholic. One drink always turned into a binge that lasted days and left me emotionally and spiritually isolated and desperate. I really did not recognize the person looking back at me in the mirror.

I had to get help. Depending on the severity of your problem with alcohol, you may want to consider treatment (in patitent or out patitent), meetings (AA, Rational Recovery, Harm Reduction methods, etc.) or therapy. Maybe this seems extre but if you're trapped in a pattern of relapse and having health problems it's time to get serious and face the fact that you can't do it alone. At least for me, this was true.

Coming here is a great beginning. I have been sober a bit and I've found so much love and support here. We will gladly assist in giving you the advantage of having a sober family you can come to anytime. I look forward to hearing about your success - I know you can do this. Keep coming around!

- BabyJ.

Consciousliving

Wow, the support here is fantastic! Thank you JG and BJ! I just got back from a 1hr walk on the beach, it was good for my state of mind, depression is tough and definitely sets in, or is more apparent, after the major physical withdrawals. Trying to keep myself busy. I started cleaning house yesterday. Literally it's been years since I've done any true organizing/cleaning other than superficial stuff. The cleaning was a bit emotional for me. My wife left me 2 years ago and we have a beautiful son together. I was cleaning his room, packing up all his clothes from when he was very young (he's 8 now), brought back a lot of memories. I see him on a regular basis and make sure I'm sober when I do. He is what keeps me living. In fact, my binges now start right after he goes back to his mom. What happened this week was my withdrawal symptoms stretched into my time with him and I feel horrible about it. It's happened before, but I'm usually past the physical withdrawal and can hide what's going on inside. I like to be there for him and have a fun time throwing the baseball, helping with homework, etc. This time I told his mom I was sick and couldn't be with him. I don't want to lie, but I guess it's true? I say he is what keeps me living and that's true...he's the only thing I'm holding onto. I need to somehow live for myself so that I can truly be there for him. I can't live through him forever. He will have his own life decisions someday and I'd like to be there for him, strong and stable, with the ability to help him work through life and find his own place in it. I need to stop binging. I keep a journal/calendar and I typically have a plan for after he goes back to mom, but the depression really sets in after he goes...and the house becomes empty and void of life again. I don't cry much, but I am.

BabyJane

It's ok to cry. You have been numb for a long time so there's going to be a lot of feelings that come flooding back and you'll likely experience a range of saddness, anger, shame, etc. BUT if you can hold on, you'll also find that other emotions start to appear. Happiness and joy and most importantly peace. I never knew real joy or peace until I got sober. I was always frightened or frustrated and mad or just plain crazy. I kind of deluded myself thinking that partying was making me happy but then the alcohol turned on me and there were no more parties or celebrations, just me alone with my booze and my depression. I wanted to die. It was very bleak indeed.

All I can say is IF you stay sober it will get better. You are making some sacrifices right now in terms of time with your son so that you can be a better dad to him for the rest of his life. You should feel good about that. He needs a strong, healthy father. The world is kind of difficult as it is and growing up is always full of ups and downs so you'll be able to be there for him when he needs you the most. Just keep moving forward. Keep coming here for support. We are here!

TTBABP

Hey Conscious. I too am primarily a binger - although my cycles were becoming shorter and shorter. My story is much like yours. I'm mid-40s starting drinking in college - I did not isolate as much as you seem to have done in the beginning. Now its just gotten so much worse and I am isolating more now. I signed on here in June and came on intermittently. Now I have made more of a commitment this month to come on at least once a day and post at least one a day. I am not sure why but it does seem to be helping. I think it has to do with exactly what your name says being conscious of the problem even when its not right in my face. It keeps me a little more accountable and reminds me everyday of all of the people who have come through this

Consciousliving

Thank you BabyJane. I don't think I realized that I have been numb for a very long time. That's why my wife left, I wasn't emotionally available (I don't think I've ever really said that to myself). We met the last time I became sober (10 yrs ago through AA) and I put her on a golden pedestal, made her the center of my universe. After some time the binging began again, and I went to great lengths to hide it, but the symptoms couldn't be hid for long. I became at most a good supporter and always put my son first, but I stopped "loving" my wife and she moved on, then I lost my job a year later. Thank you for opening my eyes BabyJane. I remember I was a sensitive and emotional kid growing up, and that isn't a bad thing. That part of me has been crushed with alcohol and pot for some time now. It's coming back with a vengeance and I shouldn't drink or smoke to suppress it, which I usually do (but have not been fully aware of what I was doing). I look forward to peace.

Consciousliving

Hi TTBABP, I can totally empathize. The isolation just gets worse if nothing changes. That seems to be the biggest struggle for me, change. How do I change myself? How do I change my character (what I do when no one is watching) for the better? I agree, that's why I used the word Conscious, as I feel I've been Unconsciously living for a long time now. Auto pilot, easy path, and ultimately self destructive.

And you're right! This site allows us to be more accountable, as long as we speak (write) the truth! I've tried a couple counselors in the past, but they have nothing on this with so many life stories and supportive people (or maybe I wasn't ready to change back then?).

BabyJane

Wow I can so relate to the relationship issues too. I met my boyfriend during a sober streak (7 months) and although he is absolutely wonderful and has been good to me, the fear and distraction of a new love interest took me away from meetings and eventually I relapsed. I do wonder what he must think. I mean, when I met him I was working full time, in flight school, volunteering a ton, sober, meetings, step work, working out with a trainer... Then it all fell apart. I mean all of it. I got way ahead of myself and took on way too much early in sobriety last time. Had to learn to keep it simple. Had to be reminded that sobriety must come first or I loose all. It is hard to look back and realize how badly I messed up but I can't let the saddness and guilt consume me or I will be loaded. Hold on to hope. Be nice to yourself. No one does life without some big lessons and challenges. This is ours!

Consciousliving

BabyJane, I am so glad and sorry to hear that you can empathize with my relationship issues. You do sound like you'r doing better though???

Yes, I've gotten caught up in looking back, trying to understand myself by looking to the past, in too much detail, and all the poor choices I've made...and where they have taken me and my family. I've always known I can't continue living this way (even in college after isolating myself from my friends).

I need to change my approach -
1. I will attempt focusing on the now...getting sober.
2. I will not beat myself up (I'm already beaten down).
3. I will be ready for the next time my son leaves to go back to his mom (4 days from now). I am planning to spend time with someone who understands (who I don't know yet, since I don't let anyone know what's going on). Maybe AA again? Yes, AA. I will look for meetings next.

Thanks for your support BabyJane. :ghug3

Consciousliving

Update - I have been doing very well, getting healthier every day, feeling pretty good right now, as I usually do when I have my boy with me, because I don't drink when I'm with him. Tomorrow, after we go and get a Christmas tree with his mom and put up some decorations, he goes back to live with his mom for a week. For the past 3 years I've gone into auto pilot mode and picked up a 1.75 of vodka and 2 cases of beer the night he leaves or the next morning and start drinking heavily, morning (pass out) and night (pass out). I usually replenish with the same about midweek and finish it to start the recovery process before my boy comes back. Screw that. INSTEAD!!! I have found and will be going to an AA meeting tomorrow night. I will be meeting with a new friend (someone who has been through this) who I've opened up to about my sickness on Monday morning for a long walk. I plan to go to AA meetings all week. I'm very worried about what I will be doing during the day this week as I am jobless and don't have any established hobbies, etc. Was thinking about starting a workout routine and looking for volunteer work. Any suggestions are welcome, as well as your support! Wish me good luck, but I don't think luck has anything to do with it.

gonzo4419

Welcome CL, replace 1992 with 1998 and 44 with 37 and I could have written most of your first post word for word with the odd situational variable. Glad you are here, feel free to join us in the Class of December thread if you like.

Consciousliving

Hey Gonzo, I am glad you are here too. Thank you for sharing. It feels good to have a brother of sorts. I have joined the December group, just one post...I will go back and read the latest.

gonzo4419

You can't drink socially without fear of it being exposed/occuring in a negative/embarassing way, and have now gone to hiding it mode, been there, hell I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still there. One of my main things with SR so far has been to come to the realization that my situation that I just assumed had to be unique to my personal situation was one of the most common in so many ways.

I have had varied periods of success before it was game on again, but couldn't even guess to the amount of times I've battled alone sure this time was bad enough that it would finally be make the difference. Broken doors, broken coffee tables, broken mirrors, realizing 2-3 days later what it actually must have been that caused the nasty bruise on the forearm or thigh, cig burns in the carpet or body, glasses stepped on and useless, etc, etc...I do well for different lengths of time, I get back into 'you are fine mode', start slow again, binge, rinse, repeat. I have a problem with binge drinking, it feels good to finally admit it to people here whether its the internet and not face to face in some program, it helps.

DisplacedGRITS

hi Consciousliving! i was stuck in a cycle for a long time. i would get sober for a few days but by day 5 i was feeling physically well enough to start drinking again so i'd fall back into it. i'd done rehab a couple of times and while it helped the first time, i relapsed right away the second time (got pulled out early due to insurance...). well, i lost my desire to drink in the middle of the night in the early morning of March 8, 2012. that helped me stick with it was going to AA daily for a while and coming to SR very often. i needed a supportive community. i finally realized that i couldn't do it alone and that's ok. what also helped what honestly working it one day at a time. i used to make a lot of grand plans and try to look too far into the future only to scare myself of set my gaze too far. what i've found works best is to simply focus on the here and now and what you need to do for your sobriety today. keep it simple, focus on the road ahead of you and when times are rough remember that this too shall pass. i swear, i hear those all the time but it doesn't make them any less true. glad to meet you and glad you found this place.

Consciousliving

Hey Gonzo, I had no idea how this site would affect me when I joined, I was (am) desperate and hidden when I first posted (4 days ago, ha), and I'm amazed at the support I have received. I had no idea how powerful this could be and I'm so grateful for it. I'm going to have to give this support back someday...that's the plan. I've been in the face 2 face AA meetings, 10 years ago, and that worked once I found the right group of people. I left way too early thinking I was 'cured'...now I'm not sure if you should ever really leave. Been binging ever since. Stay strong my brother. I will do the same.