sadstate

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Well, I wish I'd found this forum much sooner! Story short. Married 5 yrs ago. He said he used to have a drinking problem. I was soooo nieve, never knew an alcoholic. He thought he could start drinking socially. ( he had gone to AA for 4 years before we met.) He has been a functioning alcoholic for the whole time I've known him. Does not drink daily but gets drunk every few weeks. Usually just makes a fool of himself in front of friends then goes to bed. Now things are escalating. He is getting mean when drinking. I have been very afraid of him the last couple times he has been drinking. Says he knows he needs to go back to AA, but hasnt made any effort. I have thought about leaving, but we are very involved in our community and I love where we live and our home and friends. I do not want to leave what we have. I really love him. I'm finding that threatening to leave, pleading , crying or begging isnt making him change. What do you folks do, just put up with it all? We are in our mid 50's have no kids at home and I do not work. I'm at wits end.

cfm

Read, read, read, and read. All the posts in the section...............You'll get it

BoxinRotz

Do you have a safe place to go when he decides to tie one on? That's what I do when my AH decides he'd rather spend the night with his vodka bottle. I've made no attempts to blind side him with my plans, I've just told him outright what will happen if he drinks = I take the dogs and leave for the night and come home when he's sober.

I have never lived with an alcoholic. I'm going on 3 years and I used to cry, beg and plead for him to stop and he won't. It seems like it bothers him a teensy tiny bit to get how I feel yet he keeps doing it and he will seek treatment, set appts but never go. He even brags about his 20 years of sobriety.

How about ALANON. It will help you understand what you should do for you and how to accomplish it. Main thing is, if you're going to stick it out like me, you need to take care of you BUT if he's going to get abusive and scare you to wits end, you need to come up with a plan and quick... like leave before he gets awful and come home when he's sober.

My AH is not physically abusive but I don't have to watch him drink.

EnglishGarden

You must be so disheartened. You probably had very large hopes 5 years ago.

Alcoholism is a permanent condition. If he does not remain completely abstinent, using the program of recovery which worked for him before, then, yes-- if you want to keep the friends, the geography, the house, and the lifestyle, you will continue living with an unpredictable drunk who rollercoasters between affection and deep hostility toward you.

It is such a shock when we realize who we have really married.

Did you look into Al-Anon support group meetings there? If you try to deal with this alone, you will make many mistakes. It is best to seek outside help.

We are glad you found the forum. As suggested, read all the extras--the "Sticky" links on the opening page.

And post for feedback whenever you need to. Welcome to SR.

Tuffgirl

Welcome, sadstate. Glad you found us, but sorry for your situation that brought you here.

I am glad there are no kids in the picture - it makes it easier to find some strategies that may work for you while he does whatever he needs to do right now to get back into his program. I like boxinrotz's idea of leaving when things get overwhelming (or you feel threatened, or he is just being a jerk) I did that a lot, until it got too chaotic with my teenagers involved. Then I had to make some more permanent arrangements.

Other tha that - well - he knows where the rooms of AA are. I'd suggest simply staying out of target range while he's drinking, and try to enjoy the moments when he is sober and engaged with you. I have a feeling it won't take too long for him to find his way back to AA. I've heard that AA ruins drinking for alcoholics once they have been in the program! Now they know better, if that makes sense.

Read as much as you can, rely on family and friends for support, take good care of yourself, and keep coming back!
~T

laurie6781

You are correct Thumper. The saying is:

A head full of AA and a belly full of booze DO NOT MIX!

And I have heard it over and over and over, from those that did make it back.

(((((Sadstate)))))

Welcome to Sober Recovery. I am glad that you found us but sorry for the reasons why you had to. Check out the forum, please read the 'stickys' at the top of the forum, there is lots and lots of very good information there. Then start reading some of the threads and you will soon see you ARE NOT ALONE. We do understand.

You might want to check out some Alanon meetings. Yes they use the same anonymity statement as AA so if you should run into someone you know at the meeting, remember they are there for the same reasons you are, they have someone they love who is an alcoholic and they need help for themselves.

Please keep posting and do let us know how you are doing as we do care so very much.

Love and hugs,

sadstate

Thanks so much everyone for the encouragement and careing. I have ordered a couple books and will check out an alanon meeting. I think SR will be a great support.

Janitw

Cut your losses and run like hell and don't look back either.....

Patsy22

So sorry sadstate but please follow my advice and leave, if not straightaway then at least start preparing to do so. You are still young enough to make a new life and with no kids at home are free to go. I know from experience that he is unlikely to change until things are too late - my partner is in hospital with liver failure. Your story sounds sadly like mine. A person who seemed very nice turned out to be somebody completely different. Keep yourself safe and keep out of his way when he is drunk. I stood up for myself at first and got hurt as a result. Take care.

PohsFriend

It's his deal but I'd look up your local meeting and go to an open meeting and see if he will go with you. I'd time it - a time when he's rational and tension level is low. Maybe he raises his hand for a 24 hour chip and maybe he doesn't but as others have said it would take some major denial skills for him to sit through that meeting and go drink afterward....

Lots of folks in AA are return customers. Lots come back even though they stayed dry away from it but dry and sober ain't the same thing. Al-anon for you :-)

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as often as needed. We understand!

When I first arrived, I learned the 3 C's of my husband's addiction:

I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it

It took me some time to finally accept that concept, but my serenity soon followed my acceptance of the concept.

I also began taking care of myself by attending Al Anon meetings, reading self-improvement books, spending time here and learning from other's experiences.

Here is a link to one of our permanent posts. The steps in this link helped me while I was still living with active alcoholism in my home:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

thislonelygirl

put up with it? yes and no....some no some yes some both
Boundaries boundaries boundaries ! and plenty of education on alcoholism plus forums here plus al anon.