New week, new perspectives...
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
New week, new perspectives...
Wifey and I have had some good talks this week.. Had a couple thoughts that might be worth sharing....
We were supposed to see the counselor at the rehab place today for an intake assessment. Wife had another doctor's appt so it got rescheduled for tomorrow but I went anyway and talked to the facility director. She was very sharp and said something that was so obvious yet it hadn't really occurred to me yet. She said AA is great but it is a support group, it isn't led by counselors but by other addicts and as wonderful as the program is it is for support AFTER treatment. Their intensive OP program provides a lot of education on the disease and they will get into things like the impact it has had on her life and her family and the behavioral things that land people ...here. She also said that learning that actions have consequences and that she knew what would happen if she drank so it is important for my wife that the natural consequences should follow (not punishment mind you, just cause/effect). They get a lot of relapses and a relapse in outpatient leads to inpatient and more treatment and then relaxes as someone gets well. She said it was good that I'm not angry and clear that I care but that I should not be working so hard at this :-) Figured you'd all giggle.
Had to go out of town yesterday but knocked out the problem early and caught an early flight home. Wife and munchkin were at her AA meeting and she invited me to drop in. I did and the chair politely told me that it was closed and I needed to go. I apologized, kissed wife and baby then left. One of wife's 'sisters' (sponsor's other sponsees) followed me out and apologized, said it was not personal - I told her not to apologize and that I agreed completely, it's a boundary thing and I supported that. Wife was peeved because she did not mind but when I told her I could totally see a 'nonnie' making someone uncomfortable and that if even one person was uncomfortable then I would be interfering in their recovery she got it. She got a call today from one of her sisters who asked her to tell me that her sponsor and sponsor's sponsor and their whole flock considers me part of the family and appreciate me for supporting her and coming to so many opens and bday parties etc. Had a funny thought - these are such good people and I thank God for them. For them to worry that my feelings might be hurt because I am not an alcoholic just tickled me. Their kindness and generosity has been humbling.
I've thought a lot about something. I was really feeling sorry for myself because wifey had been pretty tough on me for any minor infraction yet I was much more understanding over some major things she had done so where the hell does she get off being mad at ME? Well... that may or may not have validity but it has little relevence. it's the future that matters, not who is more right and I need to drop things and focus there. That got me thinking (I overthink, we know this... I have to think until I understand things lol) So often I hear myself or one of you or someone at Al-anon talk about how this event or that event was ruined because of their beloved alcoholic and how sad and disappointed they are. Once my wife backed off thelashing out and really talked to me she asked me to imagine how awful it feels to know that you ruined something. I thought that one over - OK, so say that your beloved alcoholic messes up a really big event. It was ruined for them too and they are mad too but at least you have the scant relief of being 'right'. How miserable it must feel to think "I did it again". I'm not excusing or dismissing the impact that the alcoholic has on others at times but I'm getting a lot better at not judging or blaming. The Codie in me would rather carry that burden than see her have to carry it and I am sad for her. As ****** as it feels to try and fail in secret, few things feel worse than letting down those we know and love and respect and admire. Cried a little. Yes, there are things that drive me a little nuts but I need to stop the poor me stuff and be more forgiving and less sanctimonious.... Nobody likes sanctimonious.
Had to fly out of town yesterday to handle something at HQ, the driver who fetched me was having a bad day - his wife had called because his step-daughter hadn't shown at school and some boy had driven her. He apologized and I just told him he could call in and have another car sent or we could pull over so he could make some calls or whatever he needed to do. Then he mumbled that he needed to call his sponsor and turned bright red when he realized it was out loud. I just nodded and said - that's awesome - exactly the right person to call right now and offered to stop for coffee while he made the call. His wife called back then and told him she'd turned up so we kept going. A few minutes later he got kinda sad and said "Man, I can't tell you how much that meant. I was under orders to get you off that plane and get you to the office as fast as possible and you were willing to stop while I called my sponsor?". I realized that this thing makes you understand what matters. The guys in the boardroom weren't going anywhere, this guy was worried about his family and wanted to call his sponsor because he'd been scared for his little girl.... who gives a crap about a meeting really? I just looked back at him and said "My wife's sponsor is awesome". ...we need a secret handshake guys, there are a lot of us running around with the same worries.
Anyway.. just made me think that we spend a lot of time and emotion on the negatives and figured I'd close this out by sending out a prayer for the loved one whose disease brought you here and wish you and them a peaceful day.
I love my wife, today was a good day.
We were supposed to see the counselor at the rehab place today for an intake assessment. Wife had another doctor's appt so it got rescheduled for tomorrow but I went anyway and talked to the facility director. She was very sharp and said something that was so obvious yet it hadn't really occurred to me yet. She said AA is great but it is a support group, it isn't led by counselors but by other addicts and as wonderful as the program is it is for support AFTER treatment. Their intensive OP program provides a lot of education on the disease and they will get into things like the impact it has had on her life and her family and the behavioral things that land people ...here. She also said that learning that actions have consequences and that she knew what would happen if she drank so it is important for my wife that the natural consequences should follow (not punishment mind you, just cause/effect). They get a lot of relapses and a relapse in outpatient leads to inpatient and more treatment and then relaxes as someone gets well. She said it was good that I'm not angry and clear that I care but that I should not be working so hard at this :-) Figured you'd all giggle.
Had to go out of town yesterday but knocked out the problem early and caught an early flight home. Wife and munchkin were at her AA meeting and she invited me to drop in. I did and the chair politely told me that it was closed and I needed to go. I apologized, kissed wife and baby then left. One of wife's 'sisters' (sponsor's other sponsees) followed me out and apologized, said it was not personal - I told her not to apologize and that I agreed completely, it's a boundary thing and I supported that. Wife was peeved because she did not mind but when I told her I could totally see a 'nonnie' making someone uncomfortable and that if even one person was uncomfortable then I would be interfering in their recovery she got it. She got a call today from one of her sisters who asked her to tell me that her sponsor and sponsor's sponsor and their whole flock considers me part of the family and appreciate me for supporting her and coming to so many opens and bday parties etc. Had a funny thought - these are such good people and I thank God for them. For them to worry that my feelings might be hurt because I am not an alcoholic just tickled me. Their kindness and generosity has been humbling.
I've thought a lot about something. I was really feeling sorry for myself because wifey had been pretty tough on me for any minor infraction yet I was much more understanding over some major things she had done so where the hell does she get off being mad at ME? Well... that may or may not have validity but it has little relevence. it's the future that matters, not who is more right and I need to drop things and focus there. That got me thinking (I overthink, we know this... I have to think until I understand things lol) So often I hear myself or one of you or someone at Al-anon talk about how this event or that event was ruined because of their beloved alcoholic and how sad and disappointed they are. Once my wife backed off thelashing out and really talked to me she asked me to imagine how awful it feels to know that you ruined something. I thought that one over - OK, so say that your beloved alcoholic messes up a really big event. It was ruined for them too and they are mad too but at least you have the scant relief of being 'right'. How miserable it must feel to think "I did it again". I'm not excusing or dismissing the impact that the alcoholic has on others at times but I'm getting a lot better at not judging or blaming. The Codie in me would rather carry that burden than see her have to carry it and I am sad for her. As ****** as it feels to try and fail in secret, few things feel worse than letting down those we know and love and respect and admire. Cried a little. Yes, there are things that drive me a little nuts but I need to stop the poor me stuff and be more forgiving and less sanctimonious.... Nobody likes sanctimonious.
Had to fly out of town yesterday to handle something at HQ, the driver who fetched me was having a bad day - his wife had called because his step-daughter hadn't shown at school and some boy had driven her. He apologized and I just told him he could call in and have another car sent or we could pull over so he could make some calls or whatever he needed to do. Then he mumbled that he needed to call his sponsor and turned bright red when he realized it was out loud. I just nodded and said - that's awesome - exactly the right person to call right now and offered to stop for coffee while he made the call. His wife called back then and told him she'd turned up so we kept going. A few minutes later he got kinda sad and said "Man, I can't tell you how much that meant. I was under orders to get you off that plane and get you to the office as fast as possible and you were willing to stop while I called my sponsor?". I realized that this thing makes you understand what matters. The guys in the boardroom weren't going anywhere, this guy was worried about his family and wanted to call his sponsor because he'd been scared for his little girl.... who gives a crap about a meeting really? I just looked back at him and said "My wife's sponsor is awesome". ...we need a secret handshake guys, there are a lot of us running around with the same worries.
Anyway.. just made me think that we spend a lot of time and emotion on the negatives and figured I'd close this out by sending out a prayer for the loved one whose disease brought you here and wish you and them a peaceful day.
I love my wife, today was a good day.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
wow what a good story. it seems more people surround us in our lives who are familiar with addiction more than we realize. we arent alone.
i too over think also....ah loves to hate that about me lol although hes said if i stopped over thinking and figuring things out he would miss that part of me.
My ah too sat down with me once and explained how terrible it feels to know tha he is the problem that he ruined a good day or a special day and same as your wife "i did it again" its true it must eat them up .....it would eat me up to know i messed up what should have been a celebration etc....my ah ruined (harsh word but yes it happened so true word) our daughters 1st birthday something i was looking forward too luckily she wont remember but it made what was suppose to be a special day a wont forget because of blank day.
glad your wife is doing good and you are healthy and happy.
its amazing what some people can do to change their lives. awesome for you wife!
i too over think also....ah loves to hate that about me lol although hes said if i stopped over thinking and figuring things out he would miss that part of me.
My ah too sat down with me once and explained how terrible it feels to know tha he is the problem that he ruined a good day or a special day and same as your wife "i did it again" its true it must eat them up .....it would eat me up to know i messed up what should have been a celebration etc....my ah ruined (harsh word but yes it happened so true word) our daughters 1st birthday something i was looking forward too luckily she wont remember but it made what was suppose to be a special day a wont forget because of blank day.
glad your wife is doing good and you are healthy and happy.
its amazing what some people can do to change their lives. awesome for you wife!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Love. This. Story.
Yeah, I know the AA folks tend to ask "Are you a friend of Bill's?" so maybe we should start asking each other, "Hey, are you a friend of Bill's wife's?" 
we need a secret handshake guys, there are a lot of us running around with the same worries.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 929
Originally Posted by thislonelygirl 
My ah too sat down with me once and explained how terrible it feels to know tha he is the problem that he ruined a good day or a special day and same as your wife "i did it again" its true it must eat them up .....it would eat me up to know i messed up what should have been a celebration etc....!
If I was still an active addict abusing alcohol, that's something I could see myself saying to my wife.
Of course, they'd have been hollow words.
Words without action are meaningless.
Just my opinion from the other side of the pond.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I like the points you make about being "right" ......
My AH has more problems than I have, health wise and mentally. Early in our relationship I used this to give him no validity in his gripes about me. I had to stop that it was wrong, It can also be applied to transgressions - I am not relapsing like he but I am also not perfect. Yes, I wash darks and whites together. Yes I commit to more than I can do, yes I let the animals get away with a lot, and yes I am unorganized and have more beauty products in this house than 50 people could use and keep buying more.
It doesn't seem like that's big a deal to me in the big picture - but it matters to him so I have to give it recognition and not dismiss it because "it doesn't compare to what you have done".
I enjoyed your post its very peaceful. I like the way you write. Glad things are going well.
My AH has more problems than I have, health wise and mentally. Early in our relationship I used this to give him no validity in his gripes about me. I had to stop that it was wrong, It can also be applied to transgressions - I am not relapsing like he but I am also not perfect. Yes, I wash darks and whites together. Yes I commit to more than I can do, yes I let the animals get away with a lot, and yes I am unorganized and have more beauty products in this house than 50 people could use and keep buying more.
It doesn't seem like that's big a deal to me in the big picture - but it matters to him so I have to give it recognition and not dismiss it because "it doesn't compare to what you have done".
I enjoyed your post its very peaceful. I like the way you write. Glad things are going well.
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