Faithlove

Yesterday was awful. My AH received his divorce papers from my attorney in the mail. He was distraught. I was heartbroken for him. I'm not an uncaring animal. My heart is truly shattered for him; for what his life is now.

I felt every cell in my body screaming to help him. To release him from this misery I've caused. I imagined hugging him and telling him that I'd withdraw the petition and motion tomorrow and everything would be ok. But, I couldn't move. I couldn't do anything but cry for most of the day. I couldn't even post on here or reach out to friends. I felt so horrible for doing this to him and his family.

Then, I felt worse for myself. I began hating myself. Would I always be unhappy because of my indecisiveness? Isn't this what I wanted; to be away from him? To move on with my life? To provide a happy, healthy home for my sons? Now I have it, so why do I immediately want to go back and undo everything? Why am I so d**n fickle? What is wrong with me?

I decided to think with my head and not my heart. I knew there was a reason I filed for divorce, even though that reason was hidden somewhere in a black hole that I did not have access to at the moment. I prayed and prayed and remembered that I had prayed about leaving him and filing for divorce before I did it. I know this is what is best for my children and for me. It may even be best for him.

At that point, I began wanting to martyr myself, thinking I was sacrificing my happy marriage so he would hit bottom and find God. Then I even snapped out of that. I'm not a martyr. I did not have a happy marriage. I am a simple mortal and I am now selfish. If I had had a happy marriage, I would have held onto him with everything in me, whether he was an addict or not. I am leaving him because I want more for my life and for my sons. I am so selfish that deep down I believe I should be permitted to escape from this whole horrible ordeal unscathed. I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't use. I didn't lie, cheat, and steal.

But, life is not fair. This divorce will be awful for everyone involved. It is not fair that my children and I must endure it because of my AH's choices. It is not fair that when others make bad life choices, they are not in permanent bondage but when my AH made the bad choice to use that first time, or second, or even third, that he would be chained to this horrible disease forever.

I decided to give this time. I decided not to act impulsively and to follow through with my very well thought out and prayed upon decision. I pray that I become closer to God through this trial and that my AH does as well. (And then the selfish, mortal part of me looks so forward to the day when I live in a peaceful happy home with my sons away from my AH and his addiction.)

Thank you all for your continuing support.

Wesley423

I was the ah in my relationship. My wife divorced me it was final in may. This sent me down a path of self-destruction. At that point i had to make a decision: Die or get help. I picked getting help. I have been sober for 84 days. She was my best friend and a great person. I had to lose her to realize i had to stop. I hate that this happened but in reality she saved my life. I hope this helps. Stay strong! Your pal in recovery... Wes...

Faithlove

Thank you, Wes. My biggest fear is that he spirals downward............and doesn't find recovery.

I am glad you did! Congratulations on your 84 days!

LoveMeNow

My dear friend Faithlove - :ghug3

Your post broke my heart. I don't believe you have a selfish bone in your body. You are doing the right thing for you, your boys and him.

God will guide you, let him.

We are here for you and will walk with you. :ghug3

I wish I could hug you in person. xox

Faithlove

Thank you, LMN. I'd gladly take the hug!

LoveMeNow

Are you living with him right now??

Giving you and your children a loving, peaceful home is a very loving and healthy decision. Giving him over to God is a very unselfish act.

Letting go or being dragged is a very true statement. You can still love from a distance but know that he is not going to be able to be the husband that God wants for you and describes what a marriage should be.

Another hug?? Sure!! :ghug3

Faithlove

Yes, he's still in our house. I did ask for temporary possession of the marital home in my motion though. However, that motion is set for 12/14......so no Order one way or the other until then.

interrupted

Like LoveMeNot said, giving him over to God is a very unselfish act, perhaps the most unselfish that any of us can ever do. We're standing with you, Faithlove. You're doing the right thing for yourself and for your boys. I'm sorry that it hurts so much right now.

jewel14

You are not selfish... You are unfortunate as we all are to have been married to an addict... It is painful! But you are right, you filed for a reason... If you let your heart lead you will end up in same position in the end.. I feel for you... Stay strong...

LoveMeNow

Oh, that has to make it so much harder for you. Stay strong!! Remember, any decisions based on fear, obligation, guilt and pity needs to be reexamined. They are tried and true tactics of an addict. I, too, have to watch them very carefully.

I heard a message at church that has helped me so much that I would love to share with you.

How big is your God can be measured by how big or small your fear is. When I am starting to be fearful, I know it's time again for a long talk with God.

bi11fish

There are always consequences for our actions--my ex wife divorced me, I was 9 yrs sober. I was devastated -- the problem was that 25yrs of drinking had destroyed the relationship it just took nine yrs to figure this out. I did not pick up and today I have another relationship built on love and friendship without the baggage of the past.

jerect

(((((Faithlove)))))))

I feel your pain.. My divorce will be final on Dec 20th and my AH is still in my house because he essentially has nowhere to go but he's going to have to leave very soon because I cannot heal while he is there.. It's like I'm stuck in some awful limbo...

Like you I go through my bouts of grief, moments of serenity and sometimes I just don't know which way is up..

Two years ago I filed for divorce and withdrew the petition because he went to rehab and I had on those rose colored glasses and just knew he was going to change..

I struggled with my divorce decision for the better part of the year.. And even though I know that this moment that I'm going through is what they call "the dark night of the soul" there is a light at the end of the tunnel and no it's not another train just put one foot in front of the other and keep going..

Our addicts made their choices to choose drugs over us therefore there comes a time when we MUST choose us.. It hurts, it's painful for everyone involved but at the end of the day it's about taking care of ourselves..

Please feel free to PM me if you ever need to talk....

EnglishGarden

It always helps to remember the facts of addiction: that it is the most powerful, controlling, driving, possessing agenda in the addict's life. That anyone who tries to come between the addict and the drug will be cruelly punished. And that addiction is a disease of self: self-seeking, self-justifying, and self-pity.

"Distraught" is an addict-tactic just the same as manipulation and lying. The addict is distraught because he has demanded and forced others to accept his terms unconditionally-- he gets to continue using and they have to continue submitting--and now things aren't going his way.

When people find their boundaries, addicts emote all over the place. It does not mean the addict is feeling heartbreak as a normal person would. It is just another symptom of the addict's desire to have what he wants, to have all his desires gratified, and to be given a pass on the rules of life.

In addiction, he will always care most about him. Not you. Not the children.

It is good you are staying the course.

JustSix

You are brave and selfless person, Faithlove. You have taken the difficult road, whereas giving in would have been so much easier in the short run. You are giving your children the chance at a normal, loving life, and with that will come a normal, loving life for yourself. I thank you for the inspiration you have given us. Be sure to treat yourself with the most love and kindness possible during this stressful time.

Kindeyes

Now that was a pretty darn powerful testimony of how life moves forward...for the alcoholic/addict as well as the loved ones.

I remember how very hard it was to divorced my XAH. The mental gymnastics that I did were exhausting......back and forth, up and down, am I doing the right thing? ugh.....I don't even like to think about it. And having your husband still in the home must make it so much harder for you! I don't think I could have done it. You are very brave and strong.

My story didn't play out as well as bi11fish's did. My XAH is still addicted, still in denial, angry, bitter, spewing hate and blame all over the place. It makes me sad on one hand and very glad that I got out when I did on the other.

One day at a time......we'll walk with you.

gentle hugs
ke

supportforme

Faith - You are a remarkable woman. I cannot tell you how many times I've felt the way you do and I did not have to live in the same house with him. We know in our heads what needs to be done; however, in our heart we still hold on to what used to be, what could be, etc. I, too would drive myself crazy and even recently broke down with a good friend. How did I get here? Me and the kids didn't do anything to deserve this. It's heart wretching. You're wise to take your time. I know that I did everything that I could to try to save our marriage and give him a loving home. Unfortunately, his addiction is stronger than me and my love. I have no regrets about my decision to go forward with the divorce. I did what I had to do to save me and my boys. I can't save him. Only he can. Not sure if this helps but someone gave me advice when I was going through the same thing as you and it helped me move ahead. I has advised to treat it like a business transaction. Remove the emotion and stick to the facts. This is easier said than done. I guess it was a form of detaching for me. Take your time. You will find the answers. I will tell you that everytime I felt like you do today, I would step back and unfortunately, his actions would give me the answer - he was still in active addiction. I wish you all the best and reach out if you ever need someone to talk to. We are walking with you and I know how hard this is. Hang in there and I agree with the others, you are a loving, strong, selfless woman and your children are lucky to have you.

Vale

Faithlove,
You are choosing to live.
It is an honor to behold and every last
one of us stands... mouths agape.....in
total awe at your courage,resilience,and
strength.You are an SR beacon of hope.
Go find a mirror,look at the person
staring back at you.THAT is what indefatigable
looks like.
You choose life-- not the slow death called
addiction.
.......life is better!

Faithlove

Thank you all for helping me through this!
I promise I'm not a complete emotional mess in real life. I know I do a lot of crying and whining on here but it's because I trust you all. But, I do have lots of goals and am excited to get back on track with my life and my sons' lives.

I'm at peace with my decision. I know I will never have the support of him or his family, especially now that he's on MMT and they all believe he is doing so much better. But, that's ok. And, I am sympathetic to their pain. The best result would be for him to recover and to be the kind of father our kids deserve. But that result also includes our kids having a safe, sober, loving home with me in case he doesn't recover or he relapses.

catlovermi

I prefer to think of it as "self-supporting" rather than "selfish." When we respect our-self enough to protect our-self, and make the tough decisions to get our-self to a place where we are not being further damaged, where we have space and peace to heal, and opportunity to thrive and be our best self for those around us, we are doing the right thing. That is not selfISH, when we become our best self, so we can be better to those around us, and have a more positive influence.

Just MHO

CLMI