Tarot

I'm so angry with myself! I just very nearly got suckered in AGAIN!! He calls me from prison telling me how he's been going to all his groups in there, talking to a keyworker and has meetings and appointments and a sponsor organized for his release day on Friday. My heart rose and I thought this is different...this isn't the usual promises of what he will do...this is what he IS doing...yey we are getting somewhere...this is progress. He's finally realizing that he can't do this on his own and is getting help, the first step to real recovery and not just periods of abstinence. Some one in there has got through to him, and he sounded like he truly meant it when he said he had had enough!!! I told him I loved him and started writing a post on here to ask when and how do I start cheering from the sidelines...?!

Half way through the post, my heart filling with cautious hope, he calls me back....this time asking me to call a friend of his to ask him to send him in £20 to pay some one in there back for tobacco he had borrowed!!!! I can't believe how stupid and how taken in I have just been!!! I can't believe I just nearly fell for it! How many times before I learn my lessons!!!???

I'm so annoyed with myself....I actually let myself believe he sounded different! What a mug!!! Grrrr!!!!

anond

Sounds like the first call was to soften you up. The second call was the REAL call he wanted to make.

Master manipulators. Good on you that you recognized what was going on. And didn't fall for it!

LoveOlivia

I feel your pain. I have saved all the text messages from my addict and the pattern seems so clear now, although not then. I'd be so happy to hear from him, and he'd say exactly the things I'd love to hear, and then follow up with some veiled request for something, which I would invariably fulfill. I feel so guilty for having been so blind, and I feel like I've only prolonged his addiction.

Tarot

Thanks Anond....Totally master manipulator!...not that good though...I saw straight through it when he fell at the last hurdle...this, however, has shown me that I really need to toughen up!!! I guess this is why they say not to have them back unless he has been a year in recovery! If ever!!! What worries me is that it not been for him making that second call I would have started to trust him again. Surely if he needs £20 he's been using in prison, that's not for tobacco!! I am still far too trusting...why??? Because it's what I wanted to hear!! So many pit falls!!!

Tarot

Thanks Olivia, yes I have been noticing his game, reading between the lines. He knows full well I would never give him any money and "I'm not helping anyone in active addiction" has become one of my mantras. I can't believe he would try to pull this one! But that I nearly fell for him getting into recovery!! That he would use my love and hope for him like that! How low can he go!!

Hope87

Yeah, I'm kinda where you are now. It's awful. You want to believe them but then you just can't. After a while you start to build up kind of a shield around you. I know I'm at the point still where I don't trust anything he says or does! I mean he could be seriously mean something or seriously be trying to be nice or prove his way back but I still don't believe it. Then when and if he does do anything to help me around the house or tries to be nice to me I now instantly think...what is the alterior motive behind this. I never used to be this way with him or anyone ever. Not until this last relapse. And then they make you out to be the antichrist...the most uncaring...unsportive person in the world....lol...wow! Can't imagine why that would be! And I think my favorite since my has been home from rehab is "you don't love me anymore" cause I'm not acting the way he thinks I should be or doing what he thinks I should be doing. Hang in there and you will be strong and now will have your strenghth for the next time.

Tarot

Thanks Hope. It really has got to the point where if he came in soaking wet, saying it was raining outside I would have to go out and check lol. He says to me now "it doesn't matter what I say, you won't believe me anyway"...what does he expect!?!? I keep saying I need actions not words...I thought him going to meetings etc would be a good start but he's gone and messed that up now! Lol he just can't do a thing right! I do feel sorry for him sometimes...he just can't do anything right! I read all his letters with contempt and even when he has given me money I've complained it's not enough. But I just can't see how he's ever going to be able to win back my trust. Maybe he really did need that money to pay people back, maybe it was only for tobacco but I have massive trust issues anyway as my EXAH was a cheater and a liar too. I have given him so many chances and I do want to help him if he puts 100% into recovery but he takes two steps forward then falls over! He's his own worst enemy! I'm not so angry now and actually finding this funny...I have been to get some healing today and it's mellowed me right out. I recommend it greatly! I think I just have to give him some rope and see if he hangs himself with it I guess and not hold out any more hope and certainly get that shield reinforced!

Thanks for your replies everyone. Hugs to u all xx

Freedom1990

Oh how well I remember the silver-tongued prison talk, and the letters that oozed love and devotion. Let's not forget the expensive collect phone calls he made weekly either! He was going to AA, he was never going to use again, I was the love of his life, the one who kept him going! Oh and because of his good behavior he went to minimum security and helped build a new pre-release facility!*gag*

I know there are some who do grasp the 12-steps in prison. I've heard a few of those speakers. They tend to go on and do things like work with high-risk teenagers. They give back to the community from where they have taken. However, those folks are very rare. The majority do it to look good on paper and get their parole reviews approved.

So he's smoking pot in prison, let alone asking you to call someone else to cover his drug debt. What does that tell you?

He is what he is.

MLH2282

Tarot,
I know the feeling of frustration when you realize you almost went there again, BUT the important part of this occurence is that YOU DIDN'T GO THERE! Think of how far you have come! There may have been a time where you wouldn't have thought twice to help him, BUT YOU SAW THROUGH THE BS! That is AMAZING, and you should acknowledge the strength it took to do that!

The universe works in mysterious ways. The 2nd call was a godsend, a way for the universe/god to keep you on the right path. There are constantly signs showing us the road to take, but most times, we don't see them for what they are.

I remember sobbing and praying for god to give me the strength to REALLY end things with my EXABF. At the times I felt most vulnerable and susceptible to his "Charm" he was cold and unfeeling. In the moment it hurt, but after he left, I realized it was an answer to my prayers. I didn't have a chance to deviate from my path, bc he was so distant. Now I see it for the sign it was, and I am so grateful!

I understand your frustration about the situation, but don't be too hard on yourself. The important thing is that you are making progress!

~MLH

zoso77

Happens to the best of us.

Question is...what are you going to do from this point forward?

Remember: make decisions based on what you know, not what you hope to be true.

Best,
ZoSo

Hope4Bella

It's almost like while we're here trying to learn & grow some professional addict somewhere is putting out a bulletin on things to do & say. It's hard to believe they all just happen to do and say ALL the same things... reading this and all the other threads is like deja vu!! Sadly enough I seem to only see it when it's someone else until it's too late.... seems like YOU ARE making progress... and THAT is a GREAT THING..

Tarot

I don't know what he's got his hands on in there Freedom, he always told me he got clean when he went to prison but I can't imagine why else he would need the money and besides as you said it's all silver tongued prison talk no doubt lol! As for going to the meetings, I guess it got him out of his cell for a few hours, let's see what he chooses once he gets out...NA or H...??? The thing is if he does go back to using it will be all my fault no doubt because I wouldn't let him come home.

Yesterday just the thought of his release on Friday was starting to bring my anxiety back on. That "punch in the gut" feeling back for the first time since he got locked up. I'm going to have all the worry of seeing him in those states again, worry of him ODing again etc. I've hardly had time to catch my breath but at least this way I will know which way he's going to go sooner rather than later.

Ann

Zoso77, that jumped right out at me. What a good reminder for ALL decisions I make in life. Thank you.

Tarot

Thanks MHL you're right. Looking at it like that it was indeed a God send! It's so hard to see that you're on the right path when it's covered in these pit falls. Thankyou for reminding me that this is infact a path, the best one for both my good and his...not that he will see it that way!

Zoso I'm really not sure what I'm doing if I'm honest. All I know is that I am not going back to living with that insanity, I told him from day one that I was not going to have a relationship with an addict. He got round that and got me hooked and codependent on an addict/alcoholic with periods of sobriety. I think he knew what he was doing it was his Master Manipulator plan. I became as insane as he was and after 2 overdoses because binging on heroin is a dangerous game, I became petrified that I had to stop him, of course now I know that I can't. It's taken me a year to come to the realisation that it's his life to do with as he wishes and that's exactly what he's going to do and has been doing despite what I want. I cant live with that and I'm certainly not going to let it factor in my kids life so I have to let him go and let God take care of him. I did promise him that I would help him if he put recovery and not heroin at the top of his list, bit I have to also be realistic and understand that it could take years before he's truly had enough and wants out of this insanity...if ever! So I'm certainly not going to sit and wait around for him. I am going to work on my codependency and self esteem issues that I wasn't really aware I had until I read Melody Beattie, work the 12 Steps and learn to love and enjoy myself and never try to "save" anyone else again! It's me I need to save! In fact I worry that I will never be able to trust anyone with my heart ever again. I have to be very careful who I let into my heart from now on because my picker is very broken! I need to get out of this depression and start living my life...I'm getting there. I'm done with relationships for now...I just can't go through this again for a while!

Thankyou too Bella, its always the way...it's hard to see your own problems when you're drowning in them but you can see others and they can see yours. Thank God for this forum! And Thank God addicts are all basically the same because it makes us codependents experts on each others addicts behaviors lol. Between us they won't get away with it anymore...with us anyway. As they say - ignorance is bliss, knowledge is power!