Living in Hell
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Washington
Posts: 1
Living in Hell
Hello, I know some of you can understand what I am going through, I have been with my spouse for over 25 years, we have never gotten married, we have just live as comman law, when I first met him he was the apple of my eye and now over the years and many things like the wrong freinds and losing jobs the drinking has gotten worst and me having to pay all the bills and never having any money any more has just broke me down. He drinks every day and when I say something to him about it he saids " I do not have a problem" I have tryed to get him to go and get help, but he will not, we have gone to counseling and the person said to us both let it go the relationship is over, I guess because I love him I pray each day he will stop, because when he is not drinking he is the best person you could evry find. I am at my end of what to do, my family has said put him out as well as freinds have said the same
thing, put him out, I feel bad because he has no other family in the near area. Can someone give me some good advise on what to do to help me. Thank you for your help. Sad and lonely.
thing, put him out, I feel bad because he has no other family in the near area. Can someone give me some good advise on what to do to help me. Thank you for your help. Sad and lonely.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: San Diego
Posts: 611
You are enabling his behavior by allowing him to live under your roof and paying all the bills for him. This is co-dependent on your part. Many alcoholics and addicts like co-dependent partners for this very reason. I hope I don't sound harsh in saying this. I'm being very honest and my opinion comes from personal experience as well as from seeing others in this situation. As we speak, my alcoholic father is looking for a cheap apartment and had to move because my mother, after suffering and "trying to help" for 30 years finally said enough and is divorcing him. I love my dad dearly but I was the one who told my mom to do this because I am also an alcoholic and addict in recovery and I know how we usually behave. As long as he has you to shield him from reality he will hide there. This may be the most difficult thing you've ever had to do but if you really want to save him leave and cut off all contact for a while.
You will likely hear this same advice over and over (as you say you already have) so I don't know why I think you might listen now but obviously you're getting desperate and you are miserable. You deserve to be happy and have a partner who shows up and gives equally. Even being alone would be better for you at this point. Living with active addiction is AWFUL. Don't be like my mother and spend 30 years in this hell only to wake up one day at nearly 65 years old and be starting over! Even if you're the same age though, it's never too late. She is now happily dating a new guy and my dad finally is getting sober.
Also, there is a great forum here for friends and family of alcoholics and addicts. You might check that out I hear it's excellent.
Good luck.
You will likely hear this same advice over and over (as you say you already have) so I don't know why I think you might listen now but obviously you're getting desperate and you are miserable. You deserve to be happy and have a partner who shows up and gives equally. Even being alone would be better for you at this point. Living with active addiction is AWFUL. Don't be like my mother and spend 30 years in this hell only to wake up one day at nearly 65 years old and be starting over! Even if you're the same age though, it's never too late. She is now happily dating a new guy and my dad finally is getting sober.
Also, there is a great forum here for friends and family of alcoholics and addicts. You might check that out I hear it's excellent.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 230
I'm sorry that you are going through this.
The best thing for you to do, is focus on you. Everyone has a different idea of how best to do that. There are lots of things that you can do to help out....Al Anon, counselling, reading books, and hanging out here.
One of the first books I was suggested to read was "Co-Dependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It's a great resource. I've read it a few times...and always find it helpful.
Read the stickies at the top of this forum....they are full of great advice and tid bits that make you think.
Keep posting....I swear that in the beginning it kept me sane. Realizing that all of us here were going through or had went through the same thing. It's nice to talk to people who "get it". While everyone out here, said "he's a loser....get rid of him and never look back". It's hard.
Sending you positive thoughts.
The best thing for you to do, is focus on you. Everyone has a different idea of how best to do that. There are lots of things that you can do to help out....Al Anon, counselling, reading books, and hanging out here.
One of the first books I was suggested to read was "Co-Dependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It's a great resource. I've read it a few times...and always find it helpful.
Read the stickies at the top of this forum....they are full of great advice and tid bits that make you think.
Keep posting....I swear that in the beginning it kept me sane. Realizing that all of us here were going through or had went through the same thing. It's nice to talk to people who "get it". While everyone out here, said "he's a loser....get rid of him and never look back". It's hard.
Sending you positive thoughts.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Hi fgatling51 and welcome to the forum even though I am sorry you have to be here you have found a great place full of people who understand what you are going through.
One of the 1st things I learned here was the 3 c's concerning my wife's alcoholism.
I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.
Embracing this was huge in helping me move away from guilt that I was responsible for my AW's (Alcoholic Wife) recovery. No matter how much love and compassion I may have for her, her addiction was not my responsibility.
The next thing I learned was that it is OK for me to take care of myself. That I too am a person with my own wants and needs and that it OK for me to take care of myself. Like many others here I lost myself in the drama and chaos of an alcoholic marriage.
When I began to recognize my own wants and needs and my powerlessness over her addiction I came to ask myself the question "Why do I want to live in hell?". To be honest I couldn't think of one good reason to live in a place that I too described as hell. So, about 20 months ago I moved out. I now have my own apartment and I live a life that is returning to normal. I am at peace most of the time and a degree of contentment in my apartment that I hadn't felt for years in my marriage.
Not to say that a solution like this is right for you but for me it was a lifesaver.
Your friend,
One of the 1st things I learned here was the 3 c's concerning my wife's alcoholism.
I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.
Embracing this was huge in helping me move away from guilt that I was responsible for my AW's (Alcoholic Wife) recovery. No matter how much love and compassion I may have for her, her addiction was not my responsibility.
The next thing I learned was that it is OK for me to take care of myself. That I too am a person with my own wants and needs and that it OK for me to take care of myself. Like many others here I lost myself in the drama and chaos of an alcoholic marriage.
When I began to recognize my own wants and needs and my powerlessness over her addiction I came to ask myself the question "Why do I want to live in hell?". To be honest I couldn't think of one good reason to live in a place that I too described as hell. So, about 20 months ago I moved out. I now have my own apartment and I live a life that is returning to normal. I am at peace most of the time and a degree of contentment in my apartment that I hadn't felt for years in my marriage.
Not to say that a solution like this is right for you but for me it was a lifesaver.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Take heart, fgatling51. While none of us here can fix your alcoholic partner or save your relationship, we can and do understand the pain that are in - we've been there, too - and can help you fix yourself so that you feel better.
There is a lot to learn about alcoholism, and for me, as I got some knowledge and insight into the disease, I began to understand what I could and couldn't live with and how to help myself.
Ask all the questions you want, and people will share their experiences. That's helped me enormously as I dealt with my AH of 20 years.
ShootingStar1
There is a lot to learn about alcoholism, and for me, as I got some knowledge and insight into the disease, I began to understand what I could and couldn't live with and how to help myself.
Ask all the questions you want, and people will share their experiences. That's helped me enormously as I dealt with my AH of 20 years.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome, fgatling51. I am sorry for the situation that brought you here, but glad you found us!
Lots of great responses so far, so I'll leave mine at a warm welcome and know you are not alone.
Keep coming back!
~T
Lots of great responses so far, so I'll leave mine at a warm welcome and know you are not alone.
Keep coming back!
~T
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
oh honey, I feel for you i do. i too understand the lonliness.
I wish there was some sort of inspirational advice i could give to you but you have put up with his drinking for soooo many years and he still doesnt acknowledge he has a problem. i dont think he ever will and the counselor saying the relationship was already over was harsh but i think she was saying that in the best of terms that he doesnt want to change....he doesnt think he should and he doesnt think theres any problem. in my mind....yes that means the relationship is over.....otherwise could you see yourself dealing with this your entire life?
If you do love him and you do want him to acknoweldge a problem than yes put him out....he has you to pay bills and pick him up from the troubles his addiction has caused....he needs to get hit with the hard reality that it IS a problem and you need peace
I wish there was some sort of inspirational advice i could give to you but you have put up with his drinking for soooo many years and he still doesnt acknowledge he has a problem. i dont think he ever will and the counselor saying the relationship was already over was harsh but i think she was saying that in the best of terms that he doesnt want to change....he doesnt think he should and he doesnt think theres any problem. in my mind....yes that means the relationship is over.....otherwise could you see yourself dealing with this your entire life?
If you do love him and you do want him to acknoweldge a problem than yes put him out....he has you to pay bills and pick him up from the troubles his addiction has caused....he needs to get hit with the hard reality that it IS a problem and you need peace
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you.
When I was in a similar situation, I found the following post on SR and I followed these steps:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you.
When I was in a similar situation, I found the following post on SR and I followed these steps:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
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