audra

I am working on a step 4 in AA right now. I am seeing a pattern that caused me to want to drown the sorrows with beer. In my case the pattern ends with drowning the stress that begins with either a low level of anxiety or depression. If stress gets in the way of all this it makes these levels worse, I stonewall the situation and then will consume alcohol.

I'm saw a psychologist who told me that I haven't accepted full responsibility for my drinking yet and it involves this very thing. You see if I get triggered then i will use blame as a tactic for picking up again. Instead of seeing that the problem lies in me, in my diseased brain, or in my implicate memory, I blame the other. When the other cannot possibly live up to my expectation, I dump the responsibility for the way I feel onto them. That's why it's so important to stop blaming other people, situations, institutions, politics (lol) for the way I feel. By not blaming others, I begin to see that the power lies in me to change these things.

I was kind of shocked when she said that I hadn't accepted full responsibility yet but really how can I accept responsibility for them until I acknowledge they are me - they do not belong to anyone else. These very patterns have the potential to lead into a relapse. And a relapse is something I cannot afford at this stage in he game.

This is slow work. I'm willing - I have the rest of my life. Awareness is the key that unlocks the door to be able to change. Mindful awareness of the moment and becoming the observer in these situations. Step 4 - taking a fearless and complete moral inventory has been an adventure for me - unlocking these patterns and problems that have kept me returning to the bottle, like a baby to a nipple.

paul99

Great post!

When we stop blaming others and look at our part in our resentments, etc. it opens up a door in which we can walk free of these things, and see the patterns that have led us to these things. Fears are the usual culprits. Fear is what motivates us in almost all the things we have done (and even now).

Step 4 is something that we also want to be done sooner than later, so that we can get to Step 5 and discuss it with another human being. Awareness is wonderful, and being reflective and knowing our patterns, but we also want to lighten our load and move forward.

Kevah

I'm so glad you said that about it being done sooner than later. It says that after step 3, we "Launched forth"... Heck, Bill did all the steps in one day, right? lol Of course, it was before they laid out the steps for other alcoholics, but you know what I mean. I think that all too often, we grow stagnant in our sobriety and stop working on ourselves.

Audra, I understand that struggle! Feeling overwhelmed is a struggle for me. I learned HALT... Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. If I am feeling any of those, I reach out to others in recovery. (Well, to be honest, I don't if I'm hungry. I just eat something. lol ) Good luck working on your Step 4!

sugarbear1

It's as slow as you make it. Just the stuff you are carrying with you on a daily basis. Keep moving forward!!

audra

Hi everyone - thanks for your replies - well I actually didn't mean that I would be in step 4 for the rest of my life - but rather the patterns I recognize can't be fixed over night and might take vigilance for the rest of my life? These patterns certainly do involve fear (I was afraid of Father), abandonment, and rejection. I'm just saying that I am a witness to these patterns inside me for the FIRST time - I've been in denial forever about it. It is an adventure. it was beginning the work on step 4 that helped me see these patterns.

Thank you for the advise - I will try to get through step 4 in a timely fashion.

Fernaceman

I thought and was convinced I had to do a perfect 4th step. There is no such thing, and it got to the point that not completing it and moving on was hindering my spiritual development and therefore preventing a spiritual awakening from occurring.