cr995

After years of turmoil I finally started a job to get my career back on track. I was feeling so much better and decided to agree to sell the house AH and I own. I emailed him and in his reply he agreed to this and then added in that if I did not take all my stuff away he would bin it all.

Is it me or was saying that so unnecessary? I feel so hurt . I also realize that i was almost bribing him by saying - hey now i have a well paid job and maybe we shouldn't get divorced and sell the house.?? yet i know he is horrible to me.

really what is wrong with me?

Katiekate

It takes time to let it sink in.

If you can, arrange to have your stuff taken out of there and try to rebuild.

Put all of your earnings away and create a new and beautiful life for yourself.

My x pounded me down when he realized I was not up for anymore of his nonsense. It gets worse.

It's hard, but my guess is , if you go back, it won't change.

And yes, he is being mean.

So sorry you are in so much pain.

Love to you Katie

grammyb

I'm going through something similar bit I'm keeping the house. No matter how you end it, it's awful. The head games are mind blowing. Mine has lashed out and the actions and words have been so hurtful. I knew his coping skills were poor but I never thought it would be this bad. He'll say and do the most amazing hurtful thing and then two hours later call and nicely tell me to be careful "the roads are slippery" or "do I need anything". I feel like a yoyo that he's bouncing up and down. At this point we're still in the house together but if I could I would love to figure out how to do no contact. Try to stay calm and sane. I remind myself he's sick and that the end is in site.

TakingCharge999

He was mean.
Another reason why you will be better off divorced from this man.

TakingCharge999

grammy I agree, at one point, everything starts hurting, really, and there is no way to "land the plane" in a healthy way. Between the XABF and the other XBF's I've had, there is just no comparison. Breaking up with an active A is very different. Although feeling fed up by it all helped me move forward.

SparkleKitty

Not a thing. He perceives you moving forward as a threat. He cannot be up unless you are down. He is intentionally trying to hurt your feelings.

All that being said, only you can give him the power to succeed.

marliese22

Same thing happens to me every time I talk to my stxah. No matter what it is he just has to add something that is condesending or a dig. Just to make me feel bad. I finally figured it is how he is trying to control me and how I feel and maybee to bait me & see what kind of a rection he can get. Well! I decided he will not get the better of me it still bothers me a little but I just say to myself he is very unhappy and do not let it bring me down. Each time he does it it gets a little bit easier to let it go. Just remember you are in a much better place and he is not

cr995

Taking charge 99 - How is it different? Just I have been with AH since we were 16. Is it different for us or them?

Confetti

I try to have as little contact with my STBXAH as possible. We do have three small children, so NC is impossible. From my experience, any time I contact him, he throws something in the mix to lead to drama. If I ask him to deposit X amount of dollars in the company account for his truck payment, he responds with something about how am I doing?...or that I fill his children's heads with garbage and need to stop....or that our kids have more family than my parents. None of it makes much sense, but I've realized now that it is just to get a reaction from me. It's to start a fight or to make me mad or to keep up conversation. I just ignore it. If I ask about some money, I stick to that. I don't respond to any texts unless they directly pertain to visitation with the children or financial issues for the company.
He wants to get you all worked up. If possible, see if you can remove your stuff, so then you won't have to worry about him trashing it. Don't feed into his drama.....

Sending you happy thoughts.

LoveOlivia

The mind-**** aspect of dealing with an addict is truly awful. The guy I'm dealing with says and does the most horrible, painful, cruel, pointlessly wounding things. I try and ignore it for a while but usually I end up lashing out, largely because I feel like if I don't I am letting him trample on me. I read something the other day, "all cruelty is rooted in weakness" or something like that. I keep telling myself the guy's sick and is an idiot besides and I should just ignore his vicious nonsense. But I'm not a shy, retiring type by nature and so usually I tell him (a) he's behaving like a child; and (b) the drugs are doing a number on his brain and he needs to wake up. Probably the wrong thing to do but I feel more empowered by calling a spade a spade so to speak.

TakingCharge999

cr995, after breaking up with XABF he referred to me as an 'enemy' - none of the other ex's called me that..

He also started something with someone new in DAYS and showed it off everywhere he could, bringing the 'new' GF to our office, even. I knew he could not care less about me or my feelings but sometimes it just felt way too personal as if he wanted to make SURE our common friends knew he had no issues and we broke up because he met someone new (not because of his alcoholism).

That kind of meanness was unique. Even when parting in bad terms with other men, even if they met someone else soon-none of them made a parade of it nor made sure I knew... nor anyone was mean in that way, when your gut senses the other party wants to hurt you intentionally.

After reading about alcoholism and talking to one of XABF's best friends, I now understand it is part of alcoholism / if you challenge it, shed light on it, the person will get very angry with you. XABF got away from anyone who noticed his problem.

At this point addiction has progressed... I was able to see, either you enable them, or you are no use for them... its not personal...

XABF made my exes look like angels

LifeRecovery

Good for you for recognizing it when it happened....it was only after the fact that I recognized it.

There is no rhyme or reason often. I had to realize that it was not about me, and that I had to decide what was worth a further "discussion" and what was not.

I am so sorry, this was such a challenging time for me...and I imagine it is for you.

cr995

I guess I waste a lot of time trying to figure out why he is so cruel. ~He has everything he wants, he wants to have no relationship with me, check. He wants to live overseas in our house, check. He has new gf living with him , check. I want to let his rudeness go but I also feel i am letting him get away with being verbally abusive by saying nothing. But so far I have not responded because I just don't feel strong enough for this kind of treatment. I can understand that by not enabling I am of no use but thats different from looking for ways to be hurtful to me. surely?

TakingCharge999

You didn't cause it.
You can't control him.
You can't change him.

I obsessed for months. It was not worth it. Then I went to therapy and learned about codependency, this has helped me and continues to help me a great deal. What matters is that you have a job, that you are getting divorced from a cruel/addict man. To me you are doing all the smart things to do for YOU.

The why's - only a psychiatrist would ever know why he is that way. When we recover from codependency, we stop obsessing over things we can't control and start focusing on our own lives, needs, health...

I recommend "the grief club' - it has a chapter about losing an addict - and "codependent no more", both by Melody Beatty.

LifeRecovery

I bought the house from my ex, but I had moved into an apartment while we were doing that (I did not plan on buying the house initially).

He lived in the house two months after I bought it and he was paying rent. At one point because he told me because he "did not want to move twice."

He also had the woman he had an affair with living there. I finally got the courage to say NO that was not okay to me. I then felt guilty for saying it (and spent a lot of energy working on it).

This was a learning process for me. Learning about alcoholism helped me a lot but learning about affairs also helped to see that he was in a very self-centered place and I was just a reminder of all reality which he was not interested in seeing at the time.

I worked hard at keeping my chin up and overall feel proud of how I handled things.....but in the midst of it I was a mess.

marie1960

"I want to let his rudeness go but I also feel i am letting him get away with being verbally abusive by saying nothing." (cr995)

You are no longer with him...... his words are meaningless. He is baiting you, .....Let it go.......... I believe you can make a bigger statement if you simply choose not to acknowledge his nasty ass rude remarks !!!!

Stick to the facts, handle the communication in a business like manner. period.

In the words of Ghandi....... BE THE CHANGE........

redatlanta

Hope springs eternal - you were looking for some validation from him and he is the wrong person to look for it from.

Nothing is "wrong" with you - you are human. Whether it be with an A or not divorce is nasty, break up's are nasty. If you stand in front of him and lower your gloves he is going to take a shot.

Kudos to you on the new job that's fantastic!!! Pat your own self on the back for moving forward in your life!