Lilypuff

Hi all! I found this site today and cried at my desk! So happy to find you all. I had a talk with my ex AH today about our son that I'd like some help with. A bit of background: We are divorced and separated 6 years ago, AH is an alcoholic and has been in and out of recovery several times. The last year or so I've noticed he has been sliding into more than alcohol . He has admitted to regular crack and marijuana use and has been very depressed. Anyway the topic of our talk was how our son can continue to spend time with him safely. AH insts that he has been clean but still drinking for 30 days and has never used when our son is around. I question the ability of someone to use for 27 days and the. Put is down for 2-3 when your child is home. He did agree to regular testing to ease my mind about visits, but does anyone buy his 'I don't use on those weekends' bit? I can't believe he's sober now and 'all is under control' because it's my job to look out for the little guy.

Wesley423

All I can do is tell you about me. My doc was pain pills. In my active addiction I was using 24/7. If I wasn't I would start getting sick. I have no exp. with crack but in active addiction for me it was impossible for me to stop until I got help. This is just my story I hope it helps. Your pal in recovery.. Wes..

interrupted

I think you're smart to be concerned about leaving your son with him unsupervised. I'm not familiar with crack addiction, but in my family we have heroin, meth, and alcohol addicts, and none of them appear able to skip days or take days off from using when they are active in their addiction.

If I were you I would consider adjusting the custody arrangement to ensure that your son is not left unsupervised with anyone in active addiction. Addiction is so detrimental to developing children, and it creates scars that last well into adulthood. I am working very hard to try to overcome the psychological effects of being raised by addicted parents. Your son is lucky to have you looking out for him.

I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this situation, but I'm glad you found the forum. You're not alone in this, we're all walking with you. Welcome.

Hope4Bella

I can only tell you that in my experience with my AH ..he would even agree to drug testing and back in the day could have me convinced that he was a "functional user" I now know that there is NO such thing AND it is what we as the loved ones of the user tend to beieve because its just easier. In his mind he really may believe that he isn't doing any harm but if you wait until he proves this theory wrong it could very well be at the expense of your little one. If he is truly clean he will have no problem with you taking these precautions...as Wesley above said..he couldn't just stop & an addict is an addict and one in denial is not capable of making decisions on your childs best interest... Hang in there and it's great that you put the lil guy 1st..I did put my lil girl 1st and its never been a regret..Welcome to this site..as only being here my 2nd day I feel like a big heavy load has been lifted. I couldn't wait to jump on here when I started feeling anxious.

supportforme

Hi and welcome to SR. Sounds like your a very strong woman. Your first priority is to you and your son. My advice would be supervised visitation. In my experience, I've had to stop and go with my instincts. I can't believe a word my xAH says and there have been times that he sounds so genuine in his recovery. However, he continues to relapse and luckily I stay firm with the surpervised visits. I say better to be safe than sorry. Until you have no doubt about his recovery, supervise the visits. I've learned that they can actually beat the drug tests. Take a look around, this is a great site with a ton of information and wonderful folks with great advice.

LoveMeNow

Even he could stop for the weekend (which I doubt) can you imagine what kind of mood he would be in? The drugs scream louder then any child can.

Welcome to SR. I am so happy to read you are looking out for you and your little guy.

kmangel

Until your ex is drug free, then your child should never be allowed to be alone with your husband. All your ex is dong is making empty promises. Either get full custody or supervised visits.

BeavsDad

Kindeyes

I love (not) the statement that addicts say "I don't use around the child". That's the least of my concerns (well...sort of). My concern is their messed up thinking and the fact that they are sharing those messed up thought processes with a small impressionable child.

My son found pot in my XAH's house as a child. What strong message did that send to him? While my husband and I and the drug education at school is preaching "say NO to drugs", he's finding drugs in Dad's desk. That's pretty confusing to a kid.

As he got older into his teens, we continued to preach the "no drug" message while Daddio was passing him a joint.

We are all aware of the messed up thought processes of the addict. Those are just as harmful as it would be if the addict used right in front of them......perhaps even more insidious.

If drugs are involved, I'm a strong advocate of testing and supervised visits. A parent (addict) who truly cares about the welfare of their child would not object. But I can't think of any active addicts who wouldn't put up a major stink about it. It's all about them. They put their own wants and needs ahead of the child. It's just what they do.

Unfortunately, this is a sensitive subject for me because I didn't protect my son from the insanity of my XAH. It is the one thing that I am having a terrible time forgiving myself for. When it comes to a child, err on the side of caution. I didn't.

I feel great compassion for any sober parent who is dealing with an addicted parent. Parenting is a challenge under the best of circumstances. Add addiction and it's beyond tough. My thoughts and prayers are with all of the parents out there dealing with children with an actively addicted parent.

gentle hugs
ke

Lilypuff

" My concern is their messed up thinking and the fact that they are sharing those messed up thought processes with a small impressionable child."

Excellent point! And like another poster says "even if he isn't using those days, what are those visits like?" I think there is a reason they spend the weekends there in bed all day watching movies.

Our boy is already showing a lot of behavior he has learned from his Dad. He is 9 and is already showing mood swings from one extreme to the other, he make irriational all or nothing statements " I will NEVER talk to that kid, play that game etc. EVER again and then begs for forgiveness when he calms down, makes exuses for his own choices... you get the idea. I've always worried more about the effects of not seeing his Dad than the damage actually seeing him is doing.

I think you guys are right about him being unlikely to actually take a test and I'm anticipating an excuse the first time. Although, I do feel like I need to let him fail that one on his own rather than telling him how it will go. After that, I think visits will not be over night and will have to be with me there. There is just no else in his life who I would feel comfortable leaving him with.

I want to thank all of you so much! It really helps to hear I am doing the right thing and it sounds like no one regrets going too far to protect their kids, only not going far enough (and I also worry I may have let it go too far as it is). Can you gys point me to some resources to help my guy get through this? I don't even know how to start that conversation...

b2hope

Please do not even remotely consider leaving your child with a crack addict. This is the ugliest addiction out there - in my honest opinion - once the drug gets into your system your ONLY focus is more crack.

Do some research - the lifestyle associated with this addiction is insane . . .

My ex fiance is a crack addict - lived with this for 10 months - totally disappears, doesn't call - NOTHING - not his children, his family, his business - nothing matters until he is out of money, or his body is exhausted.

He will disappear for days at a time and is "running" at all hours of the night.

For your little ones sake - learn about this horrible addiction.

God Bless

outtolunch

Can your consider court supervised visitation, arranged and paid for by him?

I suspect he will lose interest in pretending to be a father when he's held accountable by the court.

Is he paying child support?

Lilypuff

I think you're right. If proffesional supervision was up to him the kiddo would have no contact with his dad at all. Which I don't actually think is best for the little guy either. So visits will likely be supervised by me. We get aliong fine but there other ways I'd like to spend a Sunday afternoon that's for sure...

And no, as you have probably guessed, he is not paying support. We do have an order for support, but there is no money actually coming in. I don't acutally need the money ( I have a great job and I live with my fiance who also has a substantial income ). So I guess I've never really bothered with maintenence because I won't ever see any money anyway, it will just add up to a big debt that never gets paid.

lovemydaugther3

I can tell you from my experience that supervised is the way to go. My ex AH had a wreck the morning before he was suppose to get my daughter for visitation...and then he was arrested for public intox of a substance. Of course he had an excuse for all of it...he was reaching for his phone and thats why he had the wreck and then the only reason he was arrested was because he was smart mouthing the cop...yeah right!! I knew things werent right long before that and dreaded sending her over there but I could never prove it...it completely stressed me out every time. We were only seperated at the time but when all that happened I knew that I needed to see a lawyer and by the next week I had filed for divorce...he didnt even show up for the temporary hearing which gave me sole conservatorship and supervised visits...he said he didnt know the hearing was on that day...yet we had numerous conversations about it. He NEVER took a court order hair follicle drug test so I knew he was getting high a lot. I was so glad I trusted my instincts..though he made it tough for me to do so with all the crap he would tell me. But guess where he is now? JAIL..he was arrested for posession and has been there for almost a month becuase nobody will bail him out. Now, when he gets out he will have to go to court to get his visitation back because of all the restrictions in our divorce decree. Anyways, my point is that you should always trust your instincts...you KNOW whats best for your child because you are the level headed one. I know exactly what you are going through...its a tough decision when you know how much your child loves their father but their safety is #1 priority. I wouldve never forgiven myself if something wouldve happened to her that I couldve helped prevent. Do what you got to do!! Message me if you ever want to talk...I know how emotionally draining and stressful all this can be. Good luck! xoxo