Kassie2

This morning on the drive into work I often use the time to reflect on the day. Since there was a time my XAH and I drove in together I occasionally get triggered thinking about various crazy situations and discussions. However, this morning was different as it seemed that I am looking back and become so much more aware of how I functioned in denial.

I decided to list my denial in the normal course of a day for me back then - it went like this.... arguing a few minutes after I woke up - following me into the shower even... during breakfast... on the ride into work. Lunch talk on Monday about what we are going to do this weekend because it is the only way he can get through a day. Planning what we will drink at the wedding and on the honeymoon or the next vacation. Going out to dinner so he can order drinks. Picking day trips to places that served alcohol. Telling me he didn't have a problem and could stop whenever he wanted - he just didn't want to. Driving home arguing - being dropped off and he disappears for a few hours because of the arguing. Telling me I am over reacting, calling before coming home to warn me not to bother him when he arrives - and passes out while yelling about my problem. Going to therapy and listening to the therapist tell him he has a problem and I take his side? Listening and accepting that he does this because of what happened in childhood ( over 50 years ago) (how long a memory does it take to forget the past). Phone numbers I didn't recognize on the bill.

I know I could conjure up more but think the point is getting there. I overlooked so much, defended a lot, thought things were normal, and that he just was misunderstood and unloved before I came along.

Sharing just because I think a lot of the time we hear rationalizations with just enough truth that it is hard to know the difference. I could get so turned around with logic that I failed to just trust my instincts. Of course my excuse was that I had a difficult childhood - look who is talking - did we have anything in common? It doesn't matter. I didn't go his route and now my life is working out.

Getting healthier or moving forward - the clarity comes and rather than feel sorry for myself or blame myself I have chosen to see what is real and accept it as just that. It is in the past now =yeah.

Can you see your own denial? What did you do about it?

Tuffgirl

Absolutely, now that I am away from it and can look back with 20/20 hindsight.

I accept that it was the best way I could deal with the situation at the time.

It wasn't healthy nor productive, but it was a way for me to cope with something that was confusing and overwhelming in small steps. But once my eyes were opened to it all, there was no going back to that place anymore.

I do think denial serves a purpose - it allows us the ability to deal with trauma slowly.

PohsFriend

Lol, thank god for denial, keeps my brain from exploding sometimes.

We're all a little screwy in some way. I Know precisely where I am screwed up, how it manifests in my life and what I need to do to change that. Now acting on it and being allowed to set limits with people and say no? Lol, that crap is hard!

If I could run my life with the same decisiveness, logic and problem solving that I can run a company!

only wisdom keeps one from screwing up, screwing up imparts wisdom

Toss

This is my favorite "calling before coming home to warn me not to bother him when he arrives - and passes out while yelling about my problem." That's rich.

My denial was that I wasn't hurting anybody. I did everything I was suppose to do. Then I realzied I was totally ignoring my wife and eventually my love for her won over the denial - and the poison. The last year before I stopped she never said a word about my drinking, that's when I knew she gave up on me, then one day that thought hit me and I decided to "rejoin" her in life.

Toss

Titanic

"Denial is an unconscious defense mechanism. Defense mechanisms are an important part of the psyche; they operate to keep us on an even keel emotionally and to protect our self-esteem. We all use them. Two examples are repression, which allows us to exclude painful or conflicted memories from our consciousness, and sublimation, which allows us to act out unconscious fantasies in socially useful ways. And there are many more.

Denial is seen in a variety of circumstances but occurs in a specialized form in addiction. Basically, a person in denial continues to maintain that an obvious reality is not true. ... One way to manage the inner conflict is to slowly distort your perception of reality so that you can convince yourself that it is okay to continue using. This is denial.

* * *

Denial separates the awareness that a negative consequence has occurred from the emotional impact it should have. In order to accomplish this, you begin to place blame outside yourself.

* * *

Facing the truth about the addiction is often just too painful. That would be the healthiest course of action in the long run, but it is not the one that many families take at first. What develops instead is an unspoken agreement that the truth about the addiction will not be discussed or revealed to outsiders. In some families this deception becomes so pervasive that family members themselves are unable to perceive that the addiction exists, and they proceed as though it is not present at all.

But one of the consequences of building a system of denial is that the family has to deal with the frequent crises that accompany addiction while ignoring a large chunk of reality - that of the addiction itself. If the alcoholic father loses his job, the family does not permit itself to recognize that it was because of the addiction to alcohol. It has to be someone else's fault. Enormous effort is sometimes expended on the wrong problem, while the family system continues to move towards disaster. It's not unlike what happened when the captain of the Titanic chose to ignore the icebergs." Understanding Addiction by Elizabeth Connell Henderson, M.D. (psychiatrist), pages 77, 78, 79 & 97 (2000).

WishingWell

My denial was that I wasn't hurting anybody. I did everything I was suppose to do. Then I realzied I was totally ignoring my wife and eventually my love for her won over the denial - and the poison. The last year before I stopped she never said a word about my drinking, that's when I knew she gave up on me, then one day that thought hit me and I decided to "rejoin" her in life.

This is just so much along the lines of the progress I'm seeing in our therapy. Toss, thank you for sharing, it's wonderful how sometimes the pieces fit and we're able to stand up on our own and make that healthy decision. Congrats on your sobriety! Beautiful.

Kassie, I think your attitude is extremely healthy - this in particular > the clarity comes and rather than feel sorry for myself or blame myself I have chosen to see what is real and accept it as just that! Well done.