Why does doing the right thing feel so bad
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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Why does doing the right thing feel so bad
I am choosing me and the kids first and I know it is what I need to do as we can't continue to teeter totter back and fourth.. But I did our tree last night we my kids my sister and a good friend of mine and when my daughters dad called she kept saying she wanted to get off the phone so she could watch "her family" do the tree. I know he was heartbroken and I felt horrible... He also told me he had no money for food/gas as he was only able to work 23 hours last week because he was so upset that I have chosen not to try with him... I told him I could not give him money he owes me a lot right now in child support and money I have loaned him, I felt horrible saying no to that as well. He said he would take a drug test if I felt he was going to use money on drugs.. In the end I know his mom gave him food, put some gas in his truck and also gave him a small amount of money.. What I don't understand is after all the trauma he has put me, my family, my kids, his family through... WHY do I sit here with a lump in my throat???? He is the one who chose to use, spend every penny in the bank sell everything he had.. I understand that he is disapointed I changed gears so to speak, but I had to be true about my feelings and no matter what all the horrible things creep back into my head and I am unable to let them go and move forward with him.... He hasn't seen our daughter in more than 2 weeks now (because I have destroyed him) as he tells me... But shouldn't she always come first....
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I'm so sorry that you are feeling so low right now. It is hard.
Doing the right thing when it comes to addiction goes against every fiber of our being. But addiction is like nothing else and that's why it is so hard on the family. We WANT to help. We WANT to be "nice". We WANT the relationship to work. And addiction makes that difficult at best and often impossible.
Our fear of what could happen looms in our brains and occupies our thoughts, makes it difficult to concentrate and makes us feel as though we can't be happy until the addict stops using. We believe their statements which are said to keep us under the control of the addiction. We feel tremendous guilt and shame and blame ourselves for something that is completely out of our control.
Breathe. And know that you are doing the most loving thing for your children and husband and YOU by allowing him the opportunity to experience the consequences of his addiction.
It is hard. And every single person here on SR understands that.
We're walking with you.
gentle hugs
ke
Doing the right thing when it comes to addiction goes against every fiber of our being. But addiction is like nothing else and that's why it is so hard on the family. We WANT to help. We WANT to be "nice". We WANT the relationship to work. And addiction makes that difficult at best and often impossible.
Our fear of what could happen looms in our brains and occupies our thoughts, makes it difficult to concentrate and makes us feel as though we can't be happy until the addict stops using. We believe their statements which are said to keep us under the control of the addiction. We feel tremendous guilt and shame and blame ourselves for something that is completely out of our control.
Breathe. And know that you are doing the most loving thing for your children and husband and YOU by allowing him the opportunity to experience the consequences of his addiction.
It is hard. And every single person here on SR understands that.
We're walking with you.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: SouthEast
Posts: 159
It is very hard! My exAH (and his family) always blamed me for keeping him alway from his children. The truth is I always wanted my children to have a good relationship with their father. Mine left me with a lot of bills and never paid child support. He also tried to borrow money from me several times, and I found out later it was because he was selling drugs and needed the money for a purchase.
He play a lot of head games with my youngest, telling him he wanted to come home and mommy would not let him. Counseling for yourself and the children will help.
Stay strong for your children and let him prove himself. If he knows he can manipulate you into helping him he will continue to do so. It is so very hard not to try to help someone we love, but you can not, he has to do this himself.
He play a lot of head games with my youngest, telling him he wanted to come home and mommy would not let him. Counseling for yourself and the children will help.
Stay strong for your children and let him prove himself. If he knows he can manipulate you into helping him he will continue to do so. It is so very hard not to try to help someone we love, but you can not, he has to do this himself.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: SouthEast
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I thought my heart would break and I never dreamed the man I loved as much as I did could actually so the things he did. He was leaving me for weeks at a time to party with other women. I guess he preferred them 'cause they did drugs with him. I was the one raising the children and dealing with their pain in their teen years. The children will know what is going on regardless how much he triews to hide it.
He has never met his beautiful grandchildren and has zero contact with his kids. The drugs and alcohol take over their lives.
He never did stop using and one wife left him because of his cocaine use.
Step back and let him help himself - you take care of you and your children. Their are many books on the market that I wish I had access to when I was strugglling, they do help as do the forums!
Now I am going through the same with my AS, sometimes life is just not fair.
(((huggs and prayers from someone who has been in your shoes)))
He has never met his beautiful grandchildren and has zero contact with his kids. The drugs and alcohol take over their lives.
He never did stop using and one wife left him because of his cocaine use.
Step back and let him help himself - you take care of you and your children. Their are many books on the market that I wish I had access to when I was strugglling, they do help as do the forums!
Now I am going through the same with my AS, sometimes life is just not fair.
(((huggs and prayers from someone who has been in your shoes)))
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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You are not kidding life sure isn't fair sometimes.. Thank you, sometimes you start to think you are loosing your mind... Like you are a horrible person, I can't tell you what coming on this site has done for me in the past few weeks. Being able to write down how I was feeling and get response like the ones above is huge.. I have felt like an elephant was on my chest all day... still kind of do, but having this forum and knowing I am not alone and what I am feeling is ok helps... THANK YOU
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: SouthEast
Posts: 159
Jewel they are so manipulative, he knows just what to say to make you doubt your decision. I wish I had left mine years earlier - but I loved him so much I thought he would change. Now I look back and I saw what I wanted to see - I overlooked so many things that were right in my face. I should have had more respect for ME!
I also had to deal with his family - they did not believe in divorce and I was expecting to take him back each time his new fling didn't work out.
Mediate and keep a journal. Write down everything you feel, cuss if you want too lol! You can throw it away, no one has to see it, just writting out your thoughts helps. Being in a relationship with a user is a heart breaker.
I enjoy ripping mine up lol!!!!
I also had to deal with his family - they did not believe in divorce and I was expecting to take him back each time his new fling didn't work out.
Mediate and keep a journal. Write down everything you feel, cuss if you want too lol! You can throw it away, no one has to see it, just writting out your thoughts helps. Being in a relationship with a user is a heart breaker.
I enjoy ripping mine up lol!!!!
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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See his family and mine are all in agreement that I need to NOT be with him. In the end our relationship was not an easy one from the beginning and when he made a bunch of money fast it was a complete tornado.. He thought he was god and started going to a local strip club all the time and ended up leaving me for a stripper... then very quickly wanted back.. There was always binge drug use from day one, which I soon learned after he moved in with me (like every 6 to 8 months) god for all I know more... But the real deal came when I wouldnt take him back and then it was a complete disaster.. I see him so cleary sometimes, but then sometimes he seems like this guy I wanted so long ago.. BUT in the end his true colors always seem to pop out.. My wall goes up and I just feel like I am being played..... I am not looking back, I have to look forward I almost walked to the dark side and my 16 yr old son had to remind me of all I have been through and what would evidently happen again.. Not that I didnt start to see my own warning signs....
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
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Originally Posted by jewel14 
He also told me he had no money for food/gas as he was only able to work 23 hours last week because he was so upset that I have chosen not to try with him...
Back when, doing the right thing was painful. That was grief over the loss of my own illusions that I had control or influence over someone else's outcomes.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: SouthEast
Posts: 159
Jewel, mine once left me for a hitcher he had picked up. It lasted a few months and he came back. She would drive by the house and shout, 'S***** are you p**** whipped yet.' Several times my children were outside when she did this.
I was counseled by my pastor and he said I should forgive and work on my marriage. That is exactly what I wanted to hear!
We were good for about 6 months and then decided to have another child. He as ecstatic. When I was 4 months along he left me and moved in with another women he had met at a bar.
That was the last straw for me and I was so stressed I weighed 118 when the baby was born and the baby weighed 8lbs.
I contacted a divorce lawyer and sure enough he wanted to come back. No thanks! He physically abuse me and I would have him arrested. It didn't stop him - he said he would rather see me dead than with someone else. And no man was going to raise his children but him. Then he dissappeared for 2 years, it was so peaceful.
He was fired from a great job with a fortune 500 company for selling drugs from the company vehicle. None of this has stopped his drug use!
I only wish I had walked away from him sooner. You can do it and do not feel guilty - it is his life and he has to take responsibility for himself. These are his choices, and only his. I look back now and it amazes me that I was ever in love with a person like my ex!
I was counseled by my pastor and he said I should forgive and work on my marriage. That is exactly what I wanted to hear!
We were good for about 6 months and then decided to have another child. He as ecstatic. When I was 4 months along he left me and moved in with another women he had met at a bar.
That was the last straw for me and I was so stressed I weighed 118 when the baby was born and the baby weighed 8lbs.
I contacted a divorce lawyer and sure enough he wanted to come back. No thanks! He physically abuse me and I would have him arrested. It didn't stop him - he said he would rather see me dead than with someone else. And no man was going to raise his children but him. Then he dissappeared for 2 years, it was so peaceful.
He was fired from a great job with a fortune 500 company for selling drugs from the company vehicle. None of this has stopped his drug use!
I only wish I had walked away from him sooner. You can do it and do not feel guilty - it is his life and he has to take responsibility for himself. These are his choices, and only his. I look back now and it amazes me that I was ever in love with a person like my ex!
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: UK
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It's true Jewel we will look back someday and wonder why we put ourselves through all this heartache.
I can't say anything to make you feel better myself at the moment because I am feeling the same way as you too right now. I'm just trying to grit my teeth and get through this pain and remind myself that time heals eventually hunny.
Hugs.
I can't say anything to make you feel better myself at the moment because I am feeling the same way as you too right now. I'm just trying to grit my teeth and get through this pain and remind myself that time heals eventually hunny.
Hugs.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 57
Originally Posted by jewel14
Thank you! My mind understands this all it's just my heart that hurts.....
Stick to your guns! I know it's hard, but it's also NECESSARY. You and your children can and will get through this!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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Well...that's a hell of a question. 
Flip it around for a second. Why can doing something that feels so good be bad for you? The best example I can give you is a lot of times, we live in denial about the addict. We want to believe whatever it is they're telling us...you know, I'm sorry, I won't do it again, I love you, and...blah blah blah... So we buy into it, we feel pretty good about them and ourselves, and we simply ignore any sort of alarms that may be going off. Because listening to those alarms may mean we have to look at or think about something we don't want to look at or think about...
...and then we get whacked upside with a 2x4 called reality and wonder how it all went wrong...
The long and short of it is doing the right thing is seldom easy. But when time goes on, we look back and we give ourselves credit for making a tough call. As well we should.
You'll be OK. Just keep doing the right things, and it'll get easier as time goes on.
Best,
Tim
Flip it around for a second. Why can doing something that feels so good be bad for you? The best example I can give you is a lot of times, we live in denial about the addict. We want to believe whatever it is they're telling us...you know, I'm sorry, I won't do it again, I love you, and...blah blah blah... So we buy into it, we feel pretty good about them and ourselves, and we simply ignore any sort of alarms that may be going off. Because listening to those alarms may mean we have to look at or think about something we don't want to look at or think about...
...and then we get whacked upside with a 2x4 called reality and wonder how it all went wrong...
The long and short of it is doing the right thing is seldom easy. But when time goes on, we look back and we give ourselves credit for making a tough call. As well we should.
You'll be OK. Just keep doing the right things, and it'll get easier as time goes on.
Best,
Tim
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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I just wish I had a site like this when I was starting out in this with my ex...I (up until now) really did think I was the ONLY ONE who was going thru this and I felt so horrible and NEVER thought I had made the right decisions...unfortunately I am even feeling helpme33 more because I DID get my daughter away from my AH and raised her in a good clean environment. I would have NEVER believed I would be going thru this same thing now with my AD. I do know that I am going to seek the advice of all these awesome people on this site with hopes that I will handle things better and not alone this time. I wish I could tell you everything will turn out fine but I can't ..I CAN TELL you that you are doing the right thing by putting your children 1st AND coming here for support. I don't know a single person on here but I feel closer to some of them than ANY of the people in my life that care and try to understand..I hope together we can all make this horrible road we're on just a little less bumpy.
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Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Hey Jewell,
I totally understand that feeling of knowing with you head but then why does your heart hurt? It's really really tough and really really confusing. The best term that I ever heard to describe it is "cognitive dissonance".
I think that when we live around addiction it is so crazy making that we unlearn what is normal and not normal (if there really is such a thing - or if we knew it in the first place).
I left my ex 18 months ago due to being in a miserable relationship. He was sober during the 6 years that we were together but he was a dry drunk (addict) and unbearable to live with. He started drinking after I left and smoking weed. He had an 8 month crack relapse but has been clean from that since July. From the get go - he has pursued other women. Yet...all that time telling me I'm who he would prefer and who he really loves. He won't do what needs to be done and yet continues to say all of that. And it tears at my heart. I block him on email/phone/etc. and yet he finds ways to sneak stuff in and I continue to fall for it and read it.
So, who am I to say anything but that I understand. Today I did get it on a deeper level that I deserve better than that and was able to walk away. Still...it hurts.
I'm thinking about you and sorry that you are having to go through this.
I totally understand that feeling of knowing with you head but then why does your heart hurt? It's really really tough and really really confusing. The best term that I ever heard to describe it is "cognitive dissonance".
I think that when we live around addiction it is so crazy making that we unlearn what is normal and not normal (if there really is such a thing - or if we knew it in the first place).
I left my ex 18 months ago due to being in a miserable relationship. He was sober during the 6 years that we were together but he was a dry drunk (addict) and unbearable to live with. He started drinking after I left and smoking weed. He had an 8 month crack relapse but has been clean from that since July. From the get go - he has pursued other women. Yet...all that time telling me I'm who he would prefer and who he really loves. He won't do what needs to be done and yet continues to say all of that. And it tears at my heart. I block him on email/phone/etc. and yet he finds ways to sneak stuff in and I continue to fall for it and read it.
So, who am I to say anything but that I understand. Today I did get it on a deeper level that I deserve better than that and was able to walk away. Still...it hurts.
I'm thinking about you and sorry that you are having to go through this.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: State of grace
Posts: 7
Ladies, I want to thank you all for sharing the emotional details of your relationships so openly and fearlessly. I am someone who was at the very beginning of a relationship with an addict, and every time I read another horror story of the pain and devastation addicts leave in their wake the more certain I am of the decision to end all contact. Thank you again.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Where ALL of YOU ARE
Posts: 45
I also seem to forget that I am not just on here for my AD..I started out married to AH..and even though I tend to BLOCK all the pain, lies,abuse and blame he put me thru..it NEVER changes if they themselves don't want or can't even admit that THEY are the ones with the problem..
he is still a hateful, addict in denial and the only thing I did wrong when I ended our relationship was never dealing with what he had put me thru. I picked up my baby & went on with my life..he could have got the help if he WANTED it..He chose that path not me..
Now my daughter is another story..although I need to understand she is in the addict catergory now... I can still love her and hope for her..and the fact that she has no children means I do not have to protect anyone from her...
I wish you the best and glad you too have chosen to reach out to others for advice..I am finding a world of good in this!! Hugs!!
he is still a hateful, addict in denial and the only thing I did wrong when I ended our relationship was never dealing with what he had put me thru. I picked up my baby & went on with my life..he could have got the help if he WANTED it..He chose that path not me..
Now my daughter is another story..although I need to understand she is in the addict catergory now... I can still love her and hope for her..and the fact that she has no children means I do not have to protect anyone from her...
I wish you the best and glad you too have chosen to reach out to others for advice..I am finding a world of good in this!! Hugs!!
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