akire

Sorry I've already posted this elsewhere, I just found this forum lol. Anyways, I'm new to this site but I don't know what else do to, and I have nobody to talk to. My family and friends were aware of my situation a while back, but I don't talk about it in effort to let them think everything is fine now. My boyfriend of 6 years has been known for having a problem with snorting pain pills. We've been dealing with this on and off for majority of our relationship now. I finally realized that something was going on after months and months of weird behavior (nodding asleep randomly, even at inappropriate times, small pupils, a change in his voice, extreme moods, usually he would be extra affectionate and open with me, etc). When he screwed up and sent me the wrong text, I really knew WHY he was acting so strange (I was first very naive to all of this.) Finally, he admitted to it and of course said i could "help him" and he would never do them again because he never wanted to come that close to losing me again. Well that didn't last long. Like i said, this has been on and off for years. Some nights that see him, and it's the same guy I fell in love with years ago and it's perfect. Other nights, I don't even know him. In fact, I hate who he is, I literally get sick to my stomach. He denies it up and down and when I try to explain what he's doing to act different, he says I'm crazy like I'm making it all up. I KNOW what he acts like normally, so I definitely know when something is up. But no matter what I do, he will never admit it. He may be sober the next few times I see him, but it's not long before this starts back up. I really just don't know what to do anymore. It's really just exhausting me emotionally and I tell myself I'll end things the next time I see him acting like that, but I never do. I'm just so tired of pretending to be happy and covering up for his mistakes. And it's like a tiny part of me thinks that it IS possible that he's not on them and maybe it could be something else. I just feel so torn, and I feel like the people in my life will be too judgmental to give me any meaningful advice. Any comments, thoughts? Please!

amy55

Hi there, and welcome to SR. This is a good place to be. I was never a partner of a substance abuser, mine was an alcohol abuser, and also just out and out abusive.

It is like talking to 2 different people, no denying that. But, I can't answer any of these questions since I know nothing about pills.

It may be slow here now, since in the US is it about 12 midnight everywhere, give or take, and we get slower here then, but wanted to say welcome and stick around.

There are many wonderful people on this forum

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR.....there is a lot of collective wisdom here. I hope you find the support and information you're looking for.

It's very hard to be in a relationship with someone who is using drugs. They are often undependable, have irrational behavior, and are difficult to be around because we want them to stop and they won't. The unfortunate thing about addiction is that it is a progressive disease. It doesn't get better.....it usually gets worse unless the addict really wants to find recovery. And generally they don't want to do that until their life starts falling apart. It's a tough progression to watch.

So what can you do? The best thing we can do for our addicted loved one and for ourselves is to take care of us and establish our own boundaries.

Stick around, read, learn, and be willing to make some personal changes and you'll feel better whether your bf continues to use or not.

gentle hugs
ke

kmangel

I think it would benefit you greatly to attend meetings for people who are in relationships with addicts/alcoholics. Addiction is not something you can beat on your own and telling friends and family that have never dealt with an addict will not help you much--may hurt, in fact. What works in normal relationships will not work with an addict. Learn all you can, both here and elsewhere, so you can make sound decisions.

akire

I'm pretty much 99% sure he is still using, but it's the 1% that keeps me from leaving. But I feel like the person he is when he's using is making me fall out of love with him a tiny bit each time I see him like this. I want to just be done with all of this, whatever it may take. We're both still so young, but I have so much more ambition than him (probably because of the drugs), and I have a lot going for me in life. I just feel like if I continue to deal with this it's just going to hold me back. As much as I love him, I just don't know how much longer I can do this. I would love to be able to help him and get past this. But it's obvious he doesn't want help anymore. It's just the same cycle over and over, and part of me just wants/needs to move on. But I can't.

zoso77

Just because you love somebody doesn't mean you're supposed to be with them.

Just because you love somebody doesn't mean you should allow them to take you down with them.

You can't help help. You can help yourself.

Read the sticky note "What Addicts Do" on our home page and read it until the shock wears off and until it sinks in, because that's precisely what you're dealing with.

Best,
ZoSo

kmangel

Even if your boyfriend was sober, your covering up for his mistakes is what a co-dependent does. Learn what it is that you are doing that enables his behavior and stop doing it. Begin with your not covering up his mistakes.

With an addict, when they are allowed to stay comfortable in their lifestyle due to the well meaning folks in their lives making their problems disappear, they have very little incentive to change. Your boyfriend needs to be the one making right his wrongs.

helpme33

BEEN THERE DONE THAT! I felt the same and I thought my world was ending. My exAD only got worse. It is very hard to understand that you can not change them - you can not make them stop using drugs.

Counseling does help tremendously. I think I fell into the belief that it is a disease (it is, but one that THEY have to control) and I honestly felt guilty, like I was leaving him in a time of need. I was judged by his friends and family 'cause he loved me so much. That explains all of the affairs lol!!!

But, the reality is it only gets worse if they do not want to stop. You can only help yourself, set boundaries and stick to them.

As you stated you are young, step away and make HIM responsible for HIM.

crazybabie

Go back and read the first post you made on this thread hon your more than 99 percent sure your own words show that our gut is almost always right. I know that feeling of not wanting it to be true so I can keep my head in the sand but you know the truth.


My suggestion would be for you to keep reading and posting if you can find a local Al-anon op Nar-anon meeting go there start the process of learning to detach a good book such as Codependent No More by Melody Beattie is insightful.

Remember: YOU didn't cause it
YOU can't control it
YOU can't cure it.

Hope4Bella

Unfortunately what I DO know about opiates is that no matter how much they want to even quit them it is not physically possible unless they go thru some sort of detox process... my daughter would get sick and her body would ache..she would get flu like symtoms andthis would last at LEAST 2-3 days..it is usually easier for the addict to just get the drugs again rather than go thru that. If he is serious about getting off of them he will agree to go thru the correct detox program because once my daughter went thru it and then entered a 30 day program she kicked the habit and the gut feeling you have will go away ONLY when they are done with it..now in my case ..she didn't stay clean but because she adopted such an addictive personality she developed a new addiction and now all those helpless sick feelings I had with the pill addiction are back and I am now on here learning all there is to know about how to help myself so that when she is ready I can help her...Good luck to you and as I just learned by getting on here is that you are not alone and that makes a world of difference.

MLH2282

This situation is so painful and confusing. I recently broke things off with my EXABF. I won't lie to you, it is painful and there were times I thought my heart would never mend, but eventually, I started living my life for me.

Leaving him was the hardest thing I have ever done, but I couldn't be with an addict anymore. He lied constantly, he denied he was using, and he even stole from me to support his habit. I realized I was choosing this life for myself. I had control over whether I allowed him to continue to hurt me, and I couldn't do it anymore.

I know it seems like breaking up is the end of the world, but try not to focus so much on the loss. Think about things that you will gain by reclaiming your independence. You may not be ready to leave him yet, BUT if you choose to stay with him, own that choice. You know the realities of the relationship, and if you decide to continue the relationship, go in with your eyes wide open.

Maylie

Hey,

If your gut is telling you that he is using and he is acting strangely then he is using. Don't let him make you doubt yourself, you have been dating for years, you know the difference.

Addiction is a progressive disease. I am a recovered heroin addict and if you stay with him and he continues down this path, your relationship will quickly deteriorate and you will suffer mentally. I started off swallowing pain pills, then I snorted them, then I injected them, then when that wasn't strong enough I started injecting heroin. He is going to keep getting worse, all addicts do until they choose to fight for their lives back and get into recovery.

There isn't anything you can do to help him. He needs to want recovery more than anything he has ever wanted in his life. In fact, the longer you stay with him and make excuses for his using and just stay with him the longer he will probally think that he can sustain this life style. Without consequences for his actions he will have no reason to change.

You need to focus on YOU. You deserve a happy and healthy life. You said you have a lot of things going for you, well take the focus off of him and start moving forward in your life and taking every opportunity you have going for you. He won't be the man you fell in love with. Even if he stopped using tomorrow, he STILL wouldn't be that man. It will take a long time to regain any sense of normal in his life, are you will to put your life on hold for that?

He is forcing you to live a lie. Covering up for him, pretending to be happy, making your family and friends think that you are fine when you aren't. You don't deserve that. You need to put YOU first and make sure that YOU are happy. He isn't capable of loving you. He is in love with his pills and will do anything to make it seem like he is "fine" so that he can keep you and his pills. You know that you aren't happy and that he is using, now you need to decide to make the decision that is right for YOU.

I know how easy it is to want to "help" a loved one with addiction. I can tell you from both perspectives, from the perspective of the addict and the perspective of the loved one wanting to help an addict, there is NOTHING you can do to help him.

take care of yourself,

hugs

Maylie

akire

Thanks so much for all your helpful words everyone. I'm just so confused. I WANT to move on and find myself again, but I just don't have the strength or guts to do it. I have so many questions that I don't know the answers to. Have I truly tried everything to make this relationship work? Will I regret breaking up with the only man I've ever loved? How will I be able to move on from something like that..I've never been with anybody else. What if there's that slim chance that I am wrong about my accusations? The worst part, is knowing how amazing our relationship COULD be if he wasn't using. The last time I saw him was on Thursday. I once again told him I could tell something was up, he denied of course, and I haven't talked to him since. I don't have anything to say that hasn't been said before. Our 6 year anniversary is this week, and I'm not sure if I even care to see him. Pretty sure he was on something our last anniversary...

LoveOlivia

Thank you for this reminder. I have to tell myself this every day.

supportforme

Akire - Welcome. I'm so sorry you are going through this. There are some great people on this site, who have provided me with so much insight and support. There are many times that I look back and wish I would have listened in the past; but, I'm in a better place now. The best thing I ever did was realize that I needed to get myself help, whether it's meetings or therapy, whatever works for you. I recently divorced my xAH as a result of his pill addiction. We were married for almost 16 years with 2 children and I know how devastating it is to love someone who is no longer the same man. I also know the anxiety over not knowing if they are using or not. 99% of the time, my instinct was right and he was using. There is nothing you can do or say to make him seek recovery only he can do the work for himself. For me, I began to become as sick as he was. Please get yourself help and focus who you can help - You. You don't have to make any decisions right now. Educate yourself on this disease. The book Codependent No more was recommended to me when I 1st joined the site and I found it very helpful. Good Luck.

MLH2282

You may think you don't have the strength or guts to move on, but I guarantee you, it takes so much more time, effort, tears and strength to stay with an addict. It is not up to you to make the relationship work, it either works or it doesn't. At the end of the day, your choice comes down to what YOU are willing to accept.

If you decide to let him go, you will be able to move on. I know it feels like you won't find anyone else, but I GUARANTEE that you will. After my first two boyfriends, I didn't think I could ever love someone that intensely, but i met someone who blew both of them out of the water.

You are always going to have questions, but after a while, you will realize that the answers really don't matter. You have been with him for 6 years. I think deep down you know whether he is using again, so, trust your instincts.

I know the agony of not knowing whether to stay or go. I agonized over my decision to leave my EXABF, and there are days that I wonder what if, BUT I also see how depressed I was when I was with him. I'm not fully over him, but i know I made the best choice for ME. Sadly, I realized that I have been happier in the few months we've been apart than I was for the preceding year and a half that we were together.

Even if you decide to stay with him, I definitely think you should take a little time for yourself. Use that time to reflect on what YOU want out of life.

You are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

crazybabie

Has it been normal over the course of the relationship that you haven't seen him in 4 days? I am just curious.

ebrahimv

Hey girl I'm with ya. I had a boyfriend for 2 1/2 years and now that we broke up he's a user, but I can't get myself to let go. One day he loves me and the next he will say the harshest things to me that leave scars everywhere. I know exactly how you feel and it sucks. Someone told me to try therapy and so I'm going to do that. Even though I'm not the user myself, I'm physically and emotionally drained and I know I can't do this alone. On top of that, there's nobody I can talk to about this, which is why I love this site so much there are so many people who don't even know you and want to help. If you find anything helpful please let me know because I would love the help as well.

mstrust

i can also relate 100%. my addict boyfriend still lies to me about everything and tries to say i'm nuts when i KNOW something is up with him. he has told me again and again that things will change and he will get help and he will get off his pills, but so far, nothing. he just came back to live with me again after being gone for a few months and said things were different and he was doing the right things. well, he ran out of his prescriptions way too early again, tried to disguise prednisone pills as pain pills to make it look as though he had more, and has taken 22 ativan in about 36 hours...because he "had to" to manage not having enough opiates. right.

it's so hard to leave. it's been over between us a few times now and i still do what you said, i think about how good this could be "if only". i am desperately trying to force myself to accept what IS. yes, if would be the greatest thing ever if he was sober, if he didn't lie, if he kept his promises. but he isn't, he does, and he doesn't. and also as you said, each time these things happen i feel i fall out of love with him a little more. and i'm so angry...SO angry. my reactions to him make the problem worse and i end up feeling like it's ME who needs to fix this. i end up feeling guilty and as though i deserve the blame. i KNOW it's not true, but this is how it goes with active addiction. textbook.

i am struggling too so i would be a hypocrite to say just lose the guy and let him fix himself or not, work on you, realize you deserve better, etc. easier said than done. just know that you are not alone. you are not crazy. your gut is right on. and since i've been back and forth, i can say with confidence that as you begin to get over missing him and wishing for what wasn't, you will realize a weight is lifted off. i just happened to get the weight and put it right back on my own shoulders. i wish you the best. keep reading, keep posting...read all cynical ones blogs that apply to your situation. then read them again.

DeOppressoLiber

You could be on the Express Train to co-dependency. If you don't have the "strength and guts" to move on then you should seriously question if you have the stamina for years upon years of struggle, hardship and agony.

Saying you "tried everything to make this relationship work..." is the language of of co-dependents.

Look- I don't want to come across as harsh but your romantic notion of "..how amazing our relationship could be.." reveals serious flaws that makes for great romantic comedies but bad real life. Living with an addict is painful.

Remember this, stay in the day. Accept reality and avoid getting lost in the world of could of.., should of.., would have..

You can still love without an intimate boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and from a safe distance.

My vote is to scram.