Family
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Everett WA
Posts: 24
Family
I have 29 days today and things are going as well as can be expected at this point and I'm happy to be sober. My question is about family. I haven't really talked to my husband or my kids about my sobriety and even though they notice I'm not drinking it isn't a subject I'm comfortable bringing up.
Is this just part of the alcoholic dysfunction I've brought into our family? Will it get better?
Is this just part of the alcoholic dysfunction I've brought into our family? Will it get better?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,031
Congrats on one month! I did talk to my husband because both of us were drinking way too much, he is still drinking, he has cut down, but doesn't want to completely stop. I told my kids as well, I posted about it earlier on. I was drinking every night, and even though my kids are young they are quite perceptive.
Today was 52 days for me, looking forward to 60, then 90....
As far as telling people I think it is a personal choice and you need to do what feels right for you.
Today was 52 days for me, looking forward to 60, then 90....
As far as telling people I think it is a personal choice and you need to do what feels right for you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 649
Congrats on the 29 days 1seekinghelp! I agree, no need to bring it up but if the conversion comes into play: 1) you're on a diet 2) healthier lifestyle or 3) the cost factor!
You know, with Christmas coming up some folks incur some major expenses.
Keep us posted
And... 52 days for you Delilah1!
You know, with Christmas coming up some folks incur some major expenses.
Keep us posted
And... 52 days for you Delilah1!
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
My ex never really wanted to talk to me about recovery. I ended up talking at him a lot when I first got into recovery, about recovery. He was semi tolerant, but already felt that his life had been invaded by my substance abuse enough. I see his point. Eventually I backed off because I realized that trying to force it was disrespectful to his clear wishes.
It was similar to my young adult children. They didn't really want to have to deal with how messed up mom was, and speaking about recovery would have meant speaking about addiction. They were just glad I wasn't so crazy and messed up anymore.
Our family operated that way, not speaking about certain important issues head on. We would joke about them, dance around them, occasionally poke them with a stick, but never really address them.
In recovery I made the commitment to address my own issues. My family did not commit to that, I was hesitant to stir the pot too much and after a few weak attempts to discuss my addiction and recovery, I stepped back and left it alone.
I feel somewhat removed from my children because there is this hugely important life changing thing in my life that they know nothing about and care nothing about. I am working now on rebuilding relationships with them based on who I am now, and who they are now, because I was out to lunch for a few years while they were transiting into adulthood.
It was similar to my young adult children. They didn't really want to have to deal with how messed up mom was, and speaking about recovery would have meant speaking about addiction. They were just glad I wasn't so crazy and messed up anymore.
Our family operated that way, not speaking about certain important issues head on. We would joke about them, dance around them, occasionally poke them with a stick, but never really address them.
In recovery I made the commitment to address my own issues. My family did not commit to that, I was hesitant to stir the pot too much and after a few weak attempts to discuss my addiction and recovery, I stepped back and left it alone.
I feel somewhat removed from my children because there is this hugely important life changing thing in my life that they know nothing about and care nothing about. I am working now on rebuilding relationships with them based on who I am now, and who they are now, because I was out to lunch for a few years while they were transiting into adulthood.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 753
Hi
Im only 10 days in but for me its the same as you - I am have not brought this up with my wife and she has not mentioned it (sure the 17 empty bottles of wine missing and the ones i used to hide kinda give it away though!)
I figure its my own mess that i made and although I know if I need help she will be there for me I have more than put her through enough for last 15 years when she raised our kids single handed as well as looked after a drunk!
on the upside she is smiling at me so know she is proud of me without saying anything!
Im only 10 days in but for me its the same as you - I am have not brought this up with my wife and she has not mentioned it (sure the 17 empty bottles of wine missing and the ones i used to hide kinda give it away though!)
I figure its my own mess that i made and although I know if I need help she will be there for me I have more than put her through enough for last 15 years when she raised our kids single handed as well as looked after a drunk!
on the upside she is smiling at me so know she is proud of me without saying anything!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern Ontario, Canada
Posts: 1,618
Hey!
I second Delilah. I think is truly is a personal choice who you tell, when you tell it and how much you tell.
Congrats on the sobriety time. That is great. And yes, despite ups and downs, it will get better.
I second Delilah. I think is truly is a personal choice who you tell, when you tell it and how much you tell.
Congrats on the sobriety time
. That is great. And yes, despite ups and downs, it will get better.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 929
I've told my wife.
I would find it rather uncomfortable to keep it from her.
It would feel like an elephant in the room to me. Now that she knows, i have a real mechanism of accountability and a real person to celebrate my success with.
I also feel she has the right to know she is married to a man not with just a drinking problem....but one who is effectively dealing with it.
I would find it rather uncomfortable to keep it from her.
It would feel like an elephant in the room to me. Now that she knows, i have a real mechanism of accountability and a real person to celebrate my success with.
I also feel she has the right to know she is married to a man not with just a drinking problem....but one who is effectively dealing with it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 297
I had a very open and honest conversation with my children. They are 11, 9 and 8. The 11 year old has been affected by my drinking in more ways than I ever realized. She needed to hear from me what I was doing for my recovery. My boys...not as much. They do not understand quite as much as my daughter but it was still important for them to know why I was going to all of these meetings all of a sudden.
It was a bit different to discuss it with my husband since he is deployed. I waited a bit to talk to him about it instead of emailing. It was a hard conversation to have but a very important one. It was important to me to tell him and to let him know what my plan was.
Congrats on your 29 days and keep up the great work.
It was a bit different to discuss it with my husband since he is deployed. I waited a bit to talk to him about it instead of emailing. It was a hard conversation to have but a very important one. It was important to me to tell him and to let him know what my plan was.
Congrats on your 29 days and keep up the great work.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,960
When I was about 5, I got a peg-board for my room, which was a pink elephant. My brothers had a blue hippopotamus.
Even at that age, I knew an "elephant" had something to do with alcoholism, but I didn't quite understand the euphemism.
Today I understand having "an elephant in the room, but no one is talking about it".....
That peg-board reminded me of my parents....dad and his drink glass within his reach, mom and her "magic pills."
My parents still live in denial and remind me "they did the best they could" whatever that means.....
Even at that age, I knew an "elephant" had something to do with alcoholism, but I didn't quite understand the euphemism.
Today I understand having "an elephant in the room, but no one is talking about it".....
That peg-board reminded me of my parents....dad and his drink glass within his reach, mom and her "magic pills."
My parents still live in denial and remind me "they did the best they could" whatever that means.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Everett WA
Posts: 24
Thanks for all the replies, I have made it to the end of day 30 which I'm very proud of. My husband is interacting with me differently, in a positive way, and he knows I go to meetings but that is about it. He never said anything about my drinking before so I guess I shouldn't be surprised that he isn't saying much now.
We really don't talk about important issues either and we haven't for the 20 years that we have been together. Our relationship has sustained a lot of damage that still isn't repaired and on some topics he will NOT discuss anything with me and I've learned to let it be.
My sister (who is also is recovery and sober for a few years now) gave me some good advice which was echoed here, focus on my stuff and I can focus on my marriage later. My sponsor has also stressed building a firm foundation and I'm working on that by starting my steps and getting my feet under me as a sober person.
At some point my husband and I will need to have a heart to heart, but not right now. I know it isn't the right time yet. Thanks for all the encouragement and the replies, I have enjoyed this forum a lot.
Blessings
We really don't talk about important issues either and we haven't for the 20 years that we have been together. Our relationship has sustained a lot of damage that still isn't repaired and on some topics he will NOT discuss anything with me and I've learned to let it be.
My sister (who is also is recovery and sober for a few years now) gave me some good advice which was echoed here, focus on my stuff and I can focus on my marriage later. My sponsor has also stressed building a firm foundation and I'm working on that by starting my steps and getting my feet under me as a sober person.
At some point my husband and I will need to have a heart to heart, but not right now. I know it isn't the right time yet. Thanks for all the encouragement and the replies, I have enjoyed this forum a lot.
Blessings
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