Conflicted
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 37
Conflicted
I've been talking to my XABF for the past week every few days. He's picked up 2 part-time jobs (actually put together a resume, interviewed, etc), I never would have imagined this from him (he did end up staying at his full time job, but is looking to leave). He's been going to both temple and church (something I used to beg him to do), he asked me and my daughter to come (I declined, I don't want to confuse her).
He asked me to forgive him...he says that he doesn't want to drink anymore and hasn't had a drink since he poured his alcohol out on Nov. 7th. He has been very introspective...stating that he had resented me because I wanted him to stop drinking, and that the alcohol was his best friend, so my wanting to take him away from his best friend was not welcomed and angered him. He said that he understands why I ended things and why I won't let him see my daughter, he hopes we can at least have a friendship, that it's been so hard not talking to me. That he used to love to drink, but now he sees how much it's hurt his life, and he promised GOD and himself that he won't drink again (that some people can have 1, but he isn't that person).
He was molested by his stepfather when he was younger (he is living with his mom and step dad since I kicked him out). He told me that he confronted his step dad the other day and forgave him for the abuse...then he prayed and cried...and felt better...he feels that the abuse contributed to his drinking and that he needs to deal with his reasons for starting drinking if he's truly going to recover from it.
I told him that my daughter is sad, that she wants him to go to rehab so we can be a family again. He said to tell her that he's ok. Her response was "how can he be ok if he isn't with us?" She hasn't seen or spoken to him since Nov. 10th, she misses him alot which is hard for me to see. He told me he's in his own recovery, and that he's actively working it.
My question is, could this actually work? He's been making more steps than i've ever seen before from him, and the things he's saying are really close to his heart (I know because they were taboo tobics for the last 9 years)...but, recovery without a "program"?
He asked me to forgive him...he says that he doesn't want to drink anymore and hasn't had a drink since he poured his alcohol out on Nov. 7th. He has been very introspective...stating that he had resented me because I wanted him to stop drinking, and that the alcohol was his best friend, so my wanting to take him away from his best friend was not welcomed and angered him. He said that he understands why I ended things and why I won't let him see my daughter, he hopes we can at least have a friendship, that it's been so hard not talking to me. That he used to love to drink, but now he sees how much it's hurt his life, and he promised GOD and himself that he won't drink again (that some people can have 1, but he isn't that person).
He was molested by his stepfather when he was younger (he is living with his mom and step dad since I kicked him out). He told me that he confronted his step dad the other day and forgave him for the abuse...then he prayed and cried...and felt better...he feels that the abuse contributed to his drinking and that he needs to deal with his reasons for starting drinking if he's truly going to recover from it.
I told him that my daughter is sad, that she wants him to go to rehab so we can be a family again. He said to tell her that he's ok. Her response was "how can he be ok if he isn't with us?" She hasn't seen or spoken to him since Nov. 10th, she misses him alot which is hard for me to see. He told me he's in his own recovery, and that he's actively working it.
My question is, could this actually work? He's been making more steps than i've ever seen before from him, and the things he's saying are really close to his heart (I know because they were taboo tobics for the last 9 years)...but, recovery without a "program"?
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My question is, could this actually work? He's been making more steps than i've ever seen before from him, and the things he's saying are really close to his heart (I know because they were taboo tobics for the last 9 years)...but, recovery without a "program"?
His 3 weeks is great, but does not mean a thing at this time. At 3 weeks, his brain is still MUSH and he is still in a fog. When he starts to realize that 'white knuckling' it without any support from his peers (addicts already in recovery) his mood and temperament will probably change. And change MANY TIMES over the next year or so.
I mention a year and that is probably the minimum of how long you should stand back at a fairly good distance and just WATCH his actions and not listen to his words. Actions speak the truth.
I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that I would NOT want an addict in early recovery anywhere near anyone of my children or my grandchildren, it is just way too confusing for those young sponges that absorb EVERYTHING.
He has to 'earn' any forgiveness he feels he needs, just as he has to earn any 'trust' he might want others to have of him. Although at this juncture he is not working any program, how about you. Have you tried any Alanon meetings, and/or hooked up with a counselor, preferably one that specializes in addiction? Have you purchased your own copy of "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie? It is very very reasonably priced on Amazon dot com. If you have the book, have you started reading it yet with a highlight pen in hand, highlighting what pops out at you? Then when you have done that you go back and read again with a different colored highlighter, lol
Also, please continue to post and let us know how you are doing as we do care so very much. Feel free to rant, rave, cry, scream and yes even laugh with us. We have been there and we do understand.
We are walking with 24/7 in spirit.
Love and hugs,
Now, what are YOU doing for YOU and that precious daughter of yours?
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
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Originally Posted by Loveblossom79 
He told me he's in his own recovery, and that he's actively working it.
My question is, could this actually work? He's been making more steps than i've ever seen before from him, and the things he's saying are really close to his heart (I know because they were taboo tobics for the last 9 years)...but, recovery without a "program"?
My question is, could this actually work? He's been making more steps than i've ever seen before from him, and the things he's saying are really close to his heart (I know because they were taboo tobics for the last 9 years)...but, recovery without a "program"?
But I was wrong. The program does a lot more than help a person stay dry, it helps them get and stay sane. It's the latter part that allows them to cope with life sans alcohol. I have started in Al-Anon. At first I was like "WTF - Why do I have to do a bunch of steps, I'm not the one with the problem!" Oooops, uhm, yeah, I have a problem and those steps and the fellowship and the comraderie are huge.
I know some folks in AA who have been sober for ten years, sober - not just dry - and they go to a meeting every day and spend hours every week sponsoring others and doing service work. I think it reminds them every day to ignore that voice that says (alllll together now!) "I have been sober for X months/years - I know a ton about alcohol so I should be able to have one or two drinks like a normal person".
So as a 'normie' who frequently attends I have found a lot of respect whereas first I rolled my eyes. My Wife's AA group is part of the family. We hosted the loners on Thanksgiving, her 'sisters' or her sponsors other sponsees came by for a week after our baby was born with dinner. They call each other, check up on one another and her sponsor is great - gives her homework and makes her do service things and held meetings in our home when we got home with the baby.
I go as often as I can because at the open meetings they have a speaker share their story. The more of them that you hear, the more you begin to see that they are all the same story. The real reason I go is because some of the more experienced sponsors with 5-10-15 years in the program are a lot saner than the general population. They went through hell but they got a second chance in life. My Wife's Sponsor's Husband is an alcoholic who is married to an alcoholic. He's been sober three years and has a similar career to mine and when I was ready to lose it he's been a good influence. I look at him and his wife and think "OK, three years from now that could be us" and it helps me to set aside that day's dose of incomprehensible dehumanization and restore my hope and faith and purpose...
...lol, and I am the sober one. He needs to get his ass to a meeting. Willpower works as well on alcohol as it does on a diet - briefly.
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"My question is, could this actually work? He's been making more steps than i've ever seen before from him, and the things he's saying are really close to his heart (I know because they were taboo tobics for the last 9 years)...but, recovery without a "program"? "
Not likely, what's the rush to get back with him? If he stays clean and sober for at least a year and works a strong recovery program...perhaps....you can consider getting back with him.
Your daughters well being should be your priorty, not him, not his addiction issues. It is not in her best interest to be living in a home where addiction is present, not to mention, verbal abuse.
IMO, if you jump back in the fire now...you will be badly burned...he is not in recovery, he is white knuckling it and saying all the words you want to hear. Actions, not words.
Not likely, what's the rush to get back with him? If he stays clean and sober for at least a year and works a strong recovery program...perhaps....you can consider getting back with him.
Your daughters well being should be your priorty, not him, not his addiction issues. It is not in her best interest to be living in a home where addiction is present, not to mention, verbal abuse.
IMO, if you jump back in the fire now...you will be badly burned...he is not in recovery, he is white knuckling it and saying all the words you want to hear. Actions, not words.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
You can forgive him
You can love him
But this does not mean you have to get back
Or to talk to him because he needs it, even if it leaves YOU conflicted...
After he shows you his one year sober AA chip I would consider a "friendship" - for now I would not trust for anything this man says to be true.
His stepfather- do you really think one can heal and forgive such trauma in one day or in one confrontation? I doubt it... good for him for his progress but, I would not trust this man.
No one changes this fast imho... to me, change, forgiveness is a constant effort and it takes years.
You can love him
But this does not mean you have to get back
Or to talk to him because he needs it, even if it leaves YOU conflicted...
After he shows you his one year sober AA chip I would consider a "friendship" - for now I would not trust for anything this man says to be true.
His stepfather- do you really think one can heal and forgive such trauma in one day or in one confrontation? I doubt it... good for him for his progress but, I would not trust this man.
No one changes this fast imho... to me, change, forgiveness is a constant effort and it takes years.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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I agree with the others you would be making a mistake to go back with him now.
Unless he is in active recovery - drinking again is lurking right behind him. I take it he is not willing to go to rehab you mentioned something about that....what about AA?
When I read your post I hear a lot of "quacking" from him - saying the right thing but what's behind that? A lot of nothing without active recovery. Well, a lot of drinking again - if he manages not to he is a dry drunk - here is a description of that term:
"A dry drunk is the term used to describe alcoholics who have successfully given up the bottle. It has also been applied to people who have never drank or had addiction problems, but still have the overt behaviors of an alcoholic. In general, it is thought addicts use their drug of choice (booze, sex, food, drugs, work) to cover up for feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. They drown their feelings in these external sources, anesthesizng their mind so they can escape the realities of the world. There are certain behaviors that are consistent with those issues. They may be depressed. They may be introverted. They may be unable to engage in intimate conversations or relationships. They may get angry for no apparent reason. There are many behaviors that suggest something is going on beyond normal stress. Just because an addict is no longer actively using their drug of choice (in this case booze) does not mean they are no longer expressing themselves through these behaviors. Thus the term "dry drunk." They still evidence the basic alcholic behaviors even though they are no longer drinking."
Unless he is in active recovery - drinking again is lurking right behind him. I take it he is not willing to go to rehab you mentioned something about that....what about AA?
When I read your post I hear a lot of "quacking" from him - saying the right thing but what's behind that? A lot of nothing without active recovery. Well, a lot of drinking again - if he manages not to he is a dry drunk - here is a description of that term:
"A dry drunk is the term used to describe alcoholics who have successfully given up the bottle. It has also been applied to people who have never drank or had addiction problems, but still have the overt behaviors of an alcoholic. In general, it is thought addicts use their drug of choice (booze, sex, food, drugs, work) to cover up for feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. They drown their feelings in these external sources, anesthesizng their mind so they can escape the realities of the world. There are certain behaviors that are consistent with those issues. They may be depressed. They may be introverted. They may be unable to engage in intimate conversations or relationships. They may get angry for no apparent reason. There are many behaviors that suggest something is going on beyond normal stress. Just because an addict is no longer actively using their drug of choice (in this case booze) does not mean they are no longer expressing themselves through these behaviors. Thus the term "dry drunk." They still evidence the basic alcholic behaviors even though they are no longer drinking."
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Maryland
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Good morning Loveblossom79,
Thank you for sharing. I was with my XABF for a little over 3 years. In March after receiving a DUI, he started AA right away and was sober for 6 months. In those 6 months, I heard a lot of similar things that your significant other said to you. I'm sure he meant it at the time he said it, but early in recovery, their moods are really temperamental. When their coping mechanism for anything but happiness is taken away, their moods are unpredictable, at least my ex was.
He said a lot of wonderful things. He said that being in the jail cell made him realize he became the African American stereotype, something he did not want to become. He said he realized he wasted so many years of his life, that he wanted to be able to propose to me, contribute, and offer me more. He spent this past summer taking summer classes to catch up with school and got straight As. He was working out again and looking great, feeling great, and overall, this was the best I had seen of him in all the time we spent together. He took on the secretary role in AA, was active, and went to meetings 3-5 times a week. He said he realized he was dragging so many people down with him, but somewhere after those six months, things began to change. He stopped working out, started playing video games a lot more to escape reality and turns out, he relapsed.
I made one fatal error through all of this. He became sober in March and by end of July, we were living together. We had lived together unsuccessfully in the past when he was drinking. This time around, my thought process was: well he's sober now, he's going to be paying rent, and he'll be good. We won't have any problems and as soon as he relapsed, there were problems left and right and what made it worse was that we lived together. I felt so uncomfortable in my own home, being ignored my him. I would have to go on walks a lot to call people to ask for advice or go on walks in general to keep from exploding at him. It was horrible. I wish I had never let him move back in with me. But I can't change the past.
I don't want to tell you what to do, but I can tell you that in my experience, I thought sobriety meant everything was going to be better right away, but that is not the case. Alcoholics don't become alcoholics overnight so they won't become sober and 'normal' overnight either. Stay strong and keep coming back!
Thank you for sharing. I was with my XABF for a little over 3 years. In March after receiving a DUI, he started AA right away and was sober for 6 months. In those 6 months, I heard a lot of similar things that your significant other said to you. I'm sure he meant it at the time he said it, but early in recovery, their moods are really temperamental. When their coping mechanism for anything but happiness is taken away, their moods are unpredictable, at least my ex was.
He said a lot of wonderful things. He said that being in the jail cell made him realize he became the African American stereotype, something he did not want to become. He said he realized he wasted so many years of his life, that he wanted to be able to propose to me, contribute, and offer me more. He spent this past summer taking summer classes to catch up with school and got straight As. He was working out again and looking great, feeling great, and overall, this was the best I had seen of him in all the time we spent together. He took on the secretary role in AA, was active, and went to meetings 3-5 times a week. He said he realized he was dragging so many people down with him, but somewhere after those six months, things began to change. He stopped working out, started playing video games a lot more to escape reality and turns out, he relapsed.
I made one fatal error through all of this. He became sober in March and by end of July, we were living together. We had lived together unsuccessfully in the past when he was drinking. This time around, my thought process was: well he's sober now, he's going to be paying rent, and he'll be good. We won't have any problems and as soon as he relapsed, there were problems left and right and what made it worse was that we lived together. I felt so uncomfortable in my own home, being ignored my him. I would have to go on walks a lot to call people to ask for advice or go on walks in general to keep from exploding at him. It was horrible. I wish I had never let him move back in with me. But I can't change the past.
I don't want to tell you what to do, but I can tell you that in my experience, I thought sobriety meant everything was going to be better right away, but that is not the case. Alcoholics don't become alcoholics overnight so they won't become sober and 'normal' overnight either. Stay strong and keep coming back!
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
It's been less than 30 days........ S-l-o-w d-o-w-n.
Communication seems to start the wheels in motion, the wishful thinking dialogue is playing in your head..
Personally, I would not communicate with him. I would go about my life, and let him work his program.
The fire still burns if you touch it!!!
Communication seems to start the wheels in motion, the wishful thinking dialogue is playing in your head..
Personally, I would not communicate with him. I would go about my life, and let him work his program.
The fire still burns if you touch it!!!
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 37
Thank you all for your feedback...I actually had to retrace my steps to see what a short time frame this really has been (He left on 10/13)...it's so easy for him to pull me back in because I want our future together so strongly. I need to believe that he's changing, that we will be OK.
I'm familiar with the "dry drunk"...after realizing how severe his drinking was about 1 year ago I broke up with him...the ultimatum was that he had to go to rehab, that day, and we would work it out. He came over and I drove him to rehab. He was doing well with it (outpatient), but about 3 months in I noticed that he wasn't going anymore, and 3 months after that was when I found him passed out with beer everywhere. I doubted his sobriety before that because of the behaviors (I have been attending Al Anon and was educated on the dry drunk). So, he was sober about 6months during which we moved in together (your story above was a little too close to home!) That whole time he did it to keep us, not because of himself.
This time really is different in that regard. He has been doing all of this himself and for the first time EVER is taking action. He is very dedicated once he decides he wants something (stopped smoking and drugs cold turkey 7yrs ago, no relapse, no program). He has gone to AA and did like it.
I agree that this needs to play out much longer...and I have told him (and promised myself) that he will not be moving back in with us at least for a year and only if that year is spent sober. I think losing us was his rock bottom, and the no contact cemented it for him (that was the longest we've gone without contact in 3yrs)...I'm considering restarting it since it helped him so much the first time....it's very hard on me however.
I'm familiar with the "dry drunk"...after realizing how severe his drinking was about 1 year ago I broke up with him...the ultimatum was that he had to go to rehab, that day, and we would work it out. He came over and I drove him to rehab. He was doing well with it (outpatient), but about 3 months in I noticed that he wasn't going anymore, and 3 months after that was when I found him passed out with beer everywhere. I doubted his sobriety before that because of the behaviors (I have been attending Al Anon and was educated on the dry drunk). So, he was sober about 6months during which we moved in together (your story above was a little too close to home!) That whole time he did it to keep us, not because of himself.
This time really is different in that regard. He has been doing all of this himself and for the first time EVER is taking action. He is very dedicated once he decides he wants something (stopped smoking and drugs cold turkey 7yrs ago, no relapse, no program). He has gone to AA and did like it.
I agree that this needs to play out much longer...and I have told him (and promised myself) that he will not be moving back in with us at least for a year and only if that year is spent sober. I think losing us was his rock bottom, and the no contact cemented it for him (that was the longest we've gone without contact in 3yrs)...I'm considering restarting it since it helped him so much the first time....it's very hard on me however.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Caucasian;West Coast; Husband sometimes breathes fire; hence his nickname Dragon & mine Mrs. Dragon
Posts: 176
I think especially since there is a child involved, you need to take time and make sure that the changes you see are lasting. Reincorporate him into your life slowly. I don’t think there is a specific timeframe for this, but to only see if he is growing and becoming stronger as the days pass.
I don’t believe that he has to subscribe to a specific “program” to find lasting recovery from alcoholism. From much of what I read, the majority of people stop on their own finding their source of strength outside of a structured program. I don’t think it would be fair to judge his recovery based on this, especially since you say he has a new found focus on church/temple/religion. This alone can be life changing, and many churches have various groups, and studies that he can use for his benefit going forward.
I also think that the issue with the abuse he suffered is not to be overlooked. If he has been suffering with this, drinking to avoid dealing with the emotions involved; then finally facing this and making peace can be make for a deep change within him. I would also not overlook professional counseling for this, but again many people can find forgiveness and acceptance through their faith.
I don’t believe that he has to subscribe to a specific “program” to find lasting recovery from alcoholism. From much of what I read, the majority of people stop on their own finding their source of strength outside of a structured program. I don’t think it would be fair to judge his recovery based on this, especially since you say he has a new found focus on church/temple/religion. This alone can be life changing, and many churches have various groups, and studies that he can use for his benefit going forward.
I also think that the issue with the abuse he suffered is not to be overlooked. If he has been suffering with this, drinking to avoid dealing with the emotions involved; then finally facing this and making peace can be make for a deep change within him. I would also not overlook professional counseling for this, but again many people can find forgiveness and acceptance through their faith.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
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"I don’t believe that he has to subscribe to a specific “program” to find lasting recovery from alcoholism. From much of what I read, the majority of people stop on their own finding their source of strength outside of a structured program."
The vast majority who stay sober for life and are working a strong recovery...comes to a whopping 10% or less. I believe that you are wrong. I do not advocate any specific program, however, I personally have dealth with alcoholics for over 60 years, and IMO, structured program is essential to an alcoholics/addicts, recovery for life.
Just my two cents.
The vast majority who stay sober for life and are working a strong recovery...comes to a whopping 10% or less. I believe that you are wrong. I do not advocate any specific program, however, I personally have dealth with alcoholics for over 60 years, and IMO, structured program is essential to an alcoholics/addicts, recovery for life.
Just my two cents.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Caucasian;West Coast; Husband sometimes breathes fire; hence his nickname Dragon & mine Mrs. Dragon
Posts: 176
Originally Posted by dollydo
"I don’t believe that he has to subscribe to a specific “program” to find lasting recovery from alcoholism. From much of what I read, the majority of people stop on their own finding their source of strength outside of a structured program."
The vast majority who stay sober for life and are working a strong recovery...comes to a whopping 10% or less. I believe that you are wrong. I do not advocate any specific program, however, I personally have dealth with alcoholics for over 60 years, and IMO, structured program is essential to an alcoholics/addicts, recovery for life.
Just my two cents.
The vast majority who stay sober for life and are working a strong recovery...comes to a whopping 10% or less. I believe that you are wrong. I do not advocate any specific program, however, I personally have dealth with alcoholics for over 60 years, and IMO, structured program is essential to an alcoholics/addicts, recovery for life.
Just my two cents.
I do not have any complaints about any type of structured “program”, but I believe that if a person has the inner desire to end their alcohol abuse, couples that with introspection regarding the root cause of their alcoholism; such as abuse in this case, and then relies on a support through their faith (which could be considered a structured program anyway) then they can recover.
Just my two cents.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 378
Mrs. Dragon - you make some very valid points. I think the "truth" probably lies somewhere in the middle. Many I know who have gotten sober have done it without structure, they did have help and support - I agree. For those who were at the later stages of the disease though - 3 and on - they fully needed a program. It's usually too advanced at this point to go it alone. But not impossible. Both can be correct! :-)
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I come to this forum to educate myself about alcohol and addiction. I value every opinion, I appreciate those who give freely of their time, and share their experience. The wonderful people I have met here, and walked with me thru a very troubled time in my life, supported me, encouraged me, truly life's best cheerleaders.
But what I never heard out of any of them is........ "I think I am right"
But what I never heard out of any of them is........ "I think I am right"
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Hold your ground,time will tell.
Originally Posted by Loveblossom79
I've been talking to my XABF for the past week every few days. He's picked up 2 part-time jobs (actually put together a resume, interviewed, etc), I never would have imagined this from him (he did end up staying at his full time job, but is looking to leave). He's been going to both temple and church (something I used to beg him to do), he asked me and my daughter to come (I declined, I don't want to confuse her).
He asked me to forgive him...he says that he doesn't want to drink anymore and hasn't had a drink since he poured his alcohol out on Nov. 7th. He has been very introspective...stating that he had resented me because I wanted him to stop drinking, and that the alcohol was his best friend, so my wanting to take him away from his best friend was not welcomed and angered him. He said that he understands why I ended things and why I won't let him see my daughter, he hopes we can at least have a friendship, that it's been so hard not talking to me. That he used to love to drink, but now he sees how much it's hurt his life, and he promised GOD and himself that he won't drink again (that some people can have 1, but he isn't that person).
He was molested by his stepfather when he was younger (he is living with his mom and step dad since I kicked him out). He told me that he confronted his step dad the other day and forgave him for the abuse...then he prayed and cried...and felt better...he feels that the abuse contributed to his drinking and that he needs to deal with his reasons for starting drinking if he's truly going to recover from it.
I told him that my daughter is sad, that she wants him to go to rehab so we can be a family again. He said to tell her that he's ok. Her response was "how can he be ok if he isn't with us?" She hasn't seen or spoken to him since Nov. 10th, she misses him alot which is hard for me to see. He told me he's in his own recovery, and that he's actively working it.
My question is, could this actually work? He's been making more steps than i've ever seen before from him, and the things he's saying are really close to his heart (I know because they were taboo tobics for the last 9 years)...but, recovery without a "program"?
He asked me to forgive him...he says that he doesn't want to drink anymore and hasn't had a drink since he poured his alcohol out on Nov. 7th. He has been very introspective...stating that he had resented me because I wanted him to stop drinking, and that the alcohol was his best friend, so my wanting to take him away from his best friend was not welcomed and angered him. He said that he understands why I ended things and why I won't let him see my daughter, he hopes we can at least have a friendship, that it's been so hard not talking to me. That he used to love to drink, but now he sees how much it's hurt his life, and he promised GOD and himself that he won't drink again (that some people can have 1, but he isn't that person).
He was molested by his stepfather when he was younger (he is living with his mom and step dad since I kicked him out). He told me that he confronted his step dad the other day and forgave him for the abuse...then he prayed and cried...and felt better...he feels that the abuse contributed to his drinking and that he needs to deal with his reasons for starting drinking if he's truly going to recover from it.
I told him that my daughter is sad, that she wants him to go to rehab so we can be a family again. He said to tell her that he's ok. Her response was "how can he be ok if he isn't with us?" She hasn't seen or spoken to him since Nov. 10th, she misses him alot which is hard for me to see. He told me he's in his own recovery, and that he's actively working it.
My question is, could this actually work? He's been making more steps than i've ever seen before from him, and the things he's saying are really close to his heart (I know because they were taboo tobics for the last 9 years)...but, recovery without a "program"?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 37
So I had a long talk with him tonight. He told me that he has been to AA (knew when and where the nearest meetings were, but wasn't gung ho about going)...I encouraged him to go and he said that he would...more support is a good thing I told him, and he said I was right. I told him that when I think about what he's put me through I still get very angry...and that he's hurt our family more than he can imagine...and i'm not ready to forgive him for that yet...this isn't the life path I wanted to be on...but that I still love him and I always will.
I told him that i'm giving both him and myself a year. I made that promise to myself today, because you all brought to my attention that there really shouldn't be a rush! We will talk and I will be a support to him in his recovery, but we will not be a couple (this is not even an option until this time next year). I had been anticipating a year anyways (because he was originally going to go to inpatient rehab). I told him that i'm going to live my life, it will not be on hold...neither should his. He needs to concentrate on the issues that started him down his road, and does not need relationship issues on top of that (he agreed).
I'm really at peace with this, it forces me to stop dreaming and lets me go on with my life, while allowing him to work his own recovery...with me as a support, talking with him helps me to work through my own issues as well. For the time being we are staying phone call only (my choice)...because I recognize that I love him too much to retain this goal right now if I see him.
This is also my recovery year...I will work Al Anon, SR, and get my own life together...recover from living with an alcoholic. We will see where we both are next year and go from there!
I told him that i'm giving both him and myself a year. I made that promise to myself today, because you all brought to my attention that there really shouldn't be a rush! We will talk and I will be a support to him in his recovery, but we will not be a couple (this is not even an option until this time next year). I had been anticipating a year anyways (because he was originally going to go to inpatient rehab). I told him that i'm going to live my life, it will not be on hold...neither should his. He needs to concentrate on the issues that started him down his road, and does not need relationship issues on top of that (he agreed).
I'm really at peace with this, it forces me to stop dreaming and lets me go on with my life, while allowing him to work his own recovery...with me as a support, talking with him helps me to work through my own issues as well. For the time being we are staying phone call only (my choice)...because I recognize that I love him too much to retain this goal right now if I see him.
This is also my recovery year...I will work Al Anon, SR, and get my own life together...recover from living with an alcoholic. We will see where we both are next year and go from there!
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
It is impossible to predict who will get sober and who won't. The statistics are pretty much the same whether one does treatment, AA, other programs, or no program. The primary difference is that a person has to typically make major changes and steps in a positive direction. Good luck to both of you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I searched long and hard to find some unbiased statistics - very hard to find. This is a good article with some well rounded, unbiased statistics.
I would say you are both right in a way. MrsDragon some people do stop and become sober without a program. It is NOT the majority of people. It is possible -and it does happen.
I have to go with Dollydo here - the majority do have to go through some type of program in order to succeed for longtime recovery. Bottom line is as the article states getting this kind of statistical information is very hard.
So I have to go by what I read and see and experience. By what i read, and see and experience there has only been one person I have ever known that put the bottle down of his own accord and has maintained long time sobriety (forever? who knows he is 45 now). One.
Interesting reading.
Does AA Really Work? A Round-Up of Recent Studies | The Fix
I would say you are both right in a way. MrsDragon some people do stop and become sober without a program. It is NOT the majority of people. It is possible -and it does happen.
I have to go with Dollydo here - the majority do have to go through some type of program in order to succeed for longtime recovery. Bottom line is as the article states getting this kind of statistical information is very hard.
So I have to go by what I read and see and experience. By what i read, and see and experience there has only been one person I have ever known that put the bottle down of his own accord and has maintained long time sobriety (forever? who knows he is 45 now). One.
Interesting reading.
Does AA Really Work? A Round-Up of Recent Studies | The Fix
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 145
Good afternoon Loveblossom79,
Thank you for sharing again. Glad to hear that you had a good conversation with him. I understand this is a very difficult time. One of the hardest things for me was to try to find that good median between standing my ground, not enabling him, and yet also trying to be supportive. It was beyond difficult for me because so many emotions were involved. From my experience, I would caution you against one thing, and something I have read on SR as well, is alcoholics move very fast.
My ex and I were on 3-4 times in those 3 years. Each time I took him back, I set up a lot of boundaries and due to my negligence, emotional investment, and the careful manipulation of my ex, those boundaries very very quickly disappeared. Despite my efforts to keep him at an arm's distance, he was super thoughtful, super romantic, super ambitious, and all of these temporary "actions" made me weak and I let my guard down. After a few months of it, boom there he was living with me again. And it did sustain for another month or two after he moved in, but quickly went sour.
It's hard to say where it went bad because naturally it's hard to say no when the person you love is making so much observable progress. I wish I had been stronger, but that's the thing with alcoholism. It comes in and tears us down despite all our best efforts. Stay strong Loveblossom79, I know you can do it!
Thank you for sharing again. Glad to hear that you had a good conversation with him. I understand this is a very difficult time. One of the hardest things for me was to try to find that good median between standing my ground, not enabling him, and yet also trying to be supportive. It was beyond difficult for me because so many emotions were involved. From my experience, I would caution you against one thing, and something I have read on SR as well, is alcoholics move very fast.
My ex and I were on 3-4 times in those 3 years. Each time I took him back, I set up a lot of boundaries and due to my negligence, emotional investment, and the careful manipulation of my ex, those boundaries very very quickly disappeared. Despite my efforts to keep him at an arm's distance, he was super thoughtful, super romantic, super ambitious, and all of these temporary "actions" made me weak and I let my guard down. After a few months of it, boom there he was living with me again. And it did sustain for another month or two after he moved in, but quickly went sour.
It's hard to say where it went bad because naturally it's hard to say no when the person you love is making so much observable progress. I wish I had been stronger, but that's the thing with alcoholism. It comes in and tears us down despite all our best efforts. Stay strong Loveblossom79, I know you can do it!
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