Advice for someone new to this?
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 3
Advice for someone new to this?
Hi everyone and thank you for your informative posts. I have read many stories and my heart goes out to you all. I am lucky in that I am not as entangled with my A as most of you are but I could really use some wisdom.
Eight months ago my friend (kind of boyfriend) came to live with me because he was struggling and needed to pull himself together. The idea was that he would come here to a new city and seek treatment then try to figure out how to tackle his other problems. As for our relationship we would see how it played out. I've known this person most of my life, we commiserated over our respective divorces, had great conversations and seemed to be supporting each other well.
I'm obviously posting because the plan did not work and he continued to drink vodka around the clock. I was deceived and betrayed in many ways. He said such demeaning things to me and was so irrationally angry. I think I was in shock part of that time that anyone could act that way much less someone you have known since you were teenagers. Pretty soon I learned he lied to himself as well as everyone else, was delusional and was always protecting his addiction. He constantly set people up for failure. You did a disservice to him no matter what you did or did not do. Sometimes he was the person I knew but his mood could change on a dime--if you left a light on, accidentally woke him up, he couldn't get the tv remote to work because you had been watching a movie and any other minor infractions. Sometimes he got into a rage for no reason at all.
He has a myriad of related health issues and I would have to beg him to go to the doctor. He has legal issues too that I would help him with but I was always accused of nagging.
When I started to reach the end of my rope he got more horrible. I had him at hospitals and treatment centers several times over the months but he would freak out and walk out. I finally dropped him at a bus station last week to send him to his brothers because I wasn't going to live this way. Miraculously his brother got him to go to detox-where he is as I type this.
This brings me to my question, I have spoken to him a couple of times. I just encouraged him to go, told him to stay strong, that he could do it etc. He asked if he could come back here. I was afraid to say no, I just said we would talk about it when he is 'better'. I did not define what I considered better. What do you think I should do? I do love the real person. I don't know where he goes after detox in the hospital--I think he meant to come here. And...no! He needs intensive long-term help. I just need to know what I can say to him that is encouraging not defeating or maybe no matter what I say it will be the wrong thing?
Eight months ago my friend (kind of boyfriend) came to live with me because he was struggling and needed to pull himself together. The idea was that he would come here to a new city and seek treatment then try to figure out how to tackle his other problems. As for our relationship we would see how it played out. I've known this person most of my life, we commiserated over our respective divorces, had great conversations and seemed to be supporting each other well.
I'm obviously posting because the plan did not work and he continued to drink vodka around the clock. I was deceived and betrayed in many ways. He said such demeaning things to me and was so irrationally angry. I think I was in shock part of that time that anyone could act that way much less someone you have known since you were teenagers. Pretty soon I learned he lied to himself as well as everyone else, was delusional and was always protecting his addiction. He constantly set people up for failure. You did a disservice to him no matter what you did or did not do. Sometimes he was the person I knew but his mood could change on a dime--if you left a light on, accidentally woke him up, he couldn't get the tv remote to work because you had been watching a movie and any other minor infractions. Sometimes he got into a rage for no reason at all.
He has a myriad of related health issues and I would have to beg him to go to the doctor. He has legal issues too that I would help him with but I was always accused of nagging.
When I started to reach the end of my rope he got more horrible. I had him at hospitals and treatment centers several times over the months but he would freak out and walk out. I finally dropped him at a bus station last week to send him to his brothers because I wasn't going to live this way. Miraculously his brother got him to go to detox-where he is as I type this.
This brings me to my question, I have spoken to him a couple of times. I just encouraged him to go, told him to stay strong, that he could do it etc. He asked if he could come back here. I was afraid to say no, I just said we would talk about it when he is 'better'. I did not define what I considered better. What do you think I should do? I do love the real person. I don't know where he goes after detox in the hospital--I think he meant to come here. And...no! He needs intensive long-term help. I just need to know what I can say to him that is encouraging not defeating or maybe no matter what I say it will be the wrong thing?
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by seachange 
Hi everyone and thank you for your informative posts. I have read many stories and my heart goes out to you all. I am lucky in that I am not as entangled with my A as most of you are but I could really use some wisdom.
Eight months ago my friend (kind of boyfriend) came to live with me because he was struggling and needed to pull himself together. The idea was that he would come here to a new city and seek treatment then try to figure out how to tackle his other problems. As for our relationship we would see how it played out. I've known this person most of my life, we commiserated over our respective divorces, had great conversations and seemed to be supporting each other well.
I'm obviously posting because the plan did not work and he continued to drink vodka around the clock. I was deceived and betrayed in many ways. He said such demeaning things to me and was so irrationally angry. I think I was in shock part of that time that anyone could act that way much less someone you have known since you were teenagers. Pretty soon I learned he lied to himself as well as everyone else, was delusional and was always protecting his addiction. He constantly set people up for failure. You did a disservice to him no matter what you did or did not do. Sometimes he was the person I knew but his mood could change on a dime--if you left a light on, accidentally woke him up, he couldn't get the tv remote to work because you had been watching a movie and any other minor infractions. Sometimes he got into a rage for no reason at all.
He has a myriad of related health issues and I would have to beg him to go to the doctor. He has legal issues too that I would help him with but I was always accused of nagging.
When I started to reach the end of my rope he got more horrible. I had him at hospitals and treatment centers several times over the months but he would freak out and walk out. I finally dropped him at a bus station last week to send him to his brothers because I wasn't going to live this way. Miraculously his brother got him to go to detox-where he is as I type this.
This brings me to my question, I have spoken to him a couple of times. I just encouraged him to go, told him to stay strong, that he could do it etc. He asked if he could come back here. I was afraid to say no, I just said we would talk about it when he is 'better'. I did not define what I considered better. What do you think I should do? I do love the real person. I don't know where he goes after detox in the hospital--I think he meant to come here. And...no! He needs intensive long-term help. I just need to know what I can say to him that is encouraging not defeating or maybe no matter what I say it will be the wrong thing?
Eight months ago my friend (kind of boyfriend) came to live with me because he was struggling and needed to pull himself together. The idea was that he would come here to a new city and seek treatment then try to figure out how to tackle his other problems. As for our relationship we would see how it played out. I've known this person most of my life, we commiserated over our respective divorces, had great conversations and seemed to be supporting each other well.
I'm obviously posting because the plan did not work and he continued to drink vodka around the clock. I was deceived and betrayed in many ways. He said such demeaning things to me and was so irrationally angry. I think I was in shock part of that time that anyone could act that way much less someone you have known since you were teenagers. Pretty soon I learned he lied to himself as well as everyone else, was delusional and was always protecting his addiction. He constantly set people up for failure. You did a disservice to him no matter what you did or did not do. Sometimes he was the person I knew but his mood could change on a dime--if you left a light on, accidentally woke him up, he couldn't get the tv remote to work because you had been watching a movie and any other minor infractions. Sometimes he got into a rage for no reason at all.
He has a myriad of related health issues and I would have to beg him to go to the doctor. He has legal issues too that I would help him with but I was always accused of nagging.
When I started to reach the end of my rope he got more horrible. I had him at hospitals and treatment centers several times over the months but he would freak out and walk out. I finally dropped him at a bus station last week to send him to his brothers because I wasn't going to live this way. Miraculously his brother got him to go to detox-where he is as I type this.
This brings me to my question, I have spoken to him a couple of times. I just encouraged him to go, told him to stay strong, that he could do it etc. He asked if he could come back here. I was afraid to say no, I just said we would talk about it when he is 'better'. I did not define what I considered better. What do you think I should do? I do love the real person. I don't know where he goes after detox in the hospital--I think he meant to come here. And...no! He needs intensive long-term help. I just need to know what I can say to him that is encouraging not defeating or maybe no matter what I say it will be the wrong thing?
I bolded statements above - that I think are worthy of a closer look. First of all - you felt he was really supporting you. Yet, you go into some real nasty behaviors toward you in short order, and end with you are afraid to say no to him living with you again. I hope you can see the nonsensical nature of your post, and I mean that in kindness, because for us on the receiving end of addict behaviors, we often end up just as nonsensical as they are. It's rooted in our own denial. And if can be difficult to see until someone points it out or we get away from it long enough to look back with 20/20 hindsight.
This guy terrorized you for months, after you had the kindness and compassion to offer him a place to "recover". He tricked you into this arrangement, let you down at every turn, and used and abused you. Why is the world would you be afraid to say no to him coming back into your life? If you were reading this story by someone else, what would your response to that person be?
Feel confident and empowered to say not only no, but hell no. Tell him to call you when he's been sober and working a solid recovery plan for at least a year.
And learn from this - addicts lie and protect their addictions at all costs. You can't cure him. Only he can do that.
Good luck, and keep reading here and keep coming back!
~T
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 3
I should have clarified that--I am not afraid to say no but was afraid because he was on the way to the hospital at the time. So I said we'll see. I really just want him to get better. That's more important to me than having a relationship with him. He's incapable of it anyway. And, no I don't want to be around him--not like he was. He's not coming back anytime soon if at all. We were friends for years and I did not see this until he came here because I really didn't know how bad it was. And it escalated as time went on.
I know it's up to him but do you think it doesn't matter what I say when he asks to come back? If I'm worried about it am I just protecting him from what he has to face? So how do you support someone?
I know it's up to him but do you think it doesn't matter what I say when he asks to come back? If I'm worried about it am I just protecting him from what he has to face? So how do you support someone?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 378
I'll say it for you - NO.
No, no, no, no. There, done! :-)
Tell him after 2-3 years of sobriety you'll think about it. Are you willing to sacrifice your own precious life? Because that is what will happen. If you are, take him back in. Otherwise, let him stand up on who own two feet, get strong, find his own path and beat this disease. He has family who can help.
That's my 2 cents.
No, no, no, no. There, done! :-)
Tell him after 2-3 years of sobriety you'll think about it. Are you willing to sacrifice your own precious life? Because that is what will happen. If you are, take him back in. Otherwise, let him stand up on who own two feet, get strong, find his own path and beat this disease. He has family who can help.
That's my 2 cents.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
With true sobriety comes financial reality for this man. He must learn to make his way in the world again, sober.
If he is committed to his sobriety, he will achieve this, he will make it happen, he will know that he has to put his big boy pants on and take care of himself. It shouldn't matter whether he lives with you or somebody else, or by himself. There. Living with you will not be the deciding factor in his sobriety. Knowing that, you can relieve yourself of this burden of feeling badly about yourself for not taking him back in.
If he isn't committed to his sobriety it doesn't matter either where he lives, he will relapse. Again, you are not responsible for the outcome.
I would go ahead and tell him awhile before he leaves detox. He needs time to make other plans.
If he is committed to his sobriety, he will achieve this, he will make it happen, he will know that he has to put his big boy pants on and take care of himself. It shouldn't matter whether he lives with you or somebody else, or by himself. There. Living with you will not be the deciding factor in his sobriety. Knowing that, you can relieve yourself of this burden of feeling badly about yourself for not taking him back in.
If he isn't committed to his sobriety it doesn't matter either where he lives, he will relapse. Again, you are not responsible for the outcome.
I would go ahead and tell him awhile before he leaves detox. He needs time to make other plans.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Believe it or not, you support them by making them face their consequences.
By having him back you will enable him & he will remain sick if he relapses or if he is in recovery it will be a hard road for you too.
I know it's hard, hugs to you.
By having him back you will enable him & he will remain sick if he relapses or if he is in recovery it will be a hard road for you too.
I know it's hard, hugs to you.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
No.
It is a complete sentence.
If at a later time you wish to send encouragement, try this: "I am sure you will figure this out."
Welcome to the SR family!
The three C's of his addiction:
You did not CAUSE it
You can not CONTROL it
You can not CURE it
Having lived with his addiction, you have begun to believe his manipulations. Things like: You left the light on, or you woke him up, or your messed up the remote. NO. You did not cause him to land on his last chance at your home, his own actions landed him in these situations.
He is an adult. He will figure this out.
It is a complete sentence.
If at a later time you wish to send encouragement, try this: "I am sure you will figure this out."
Welcome to the SR family!
The three C's of his addiction:
You did not CAUSE it
You can not CONTROL it
You can not CURE it
Having lived with his addiction, you have begun to believe his manipulations. Things like: You left the light on, or you woke him up, or your messed up the remote. NO. You did not cause him to land on his last chance at your home, his own actions landed him in these situations.
He is an adult. He will figure this out.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Cleveland Ohio
Posts: 133
The idea was that he would come here to a new city and seek treatment then try to figure out how to tackle his other problems.
, I just said we would talk about it when he is 'better'.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear seachange, I surmise that, like many of us, you hate the awkwardness and the "guilt" you will feel by telling him "no". I understand how that feels.
It might make it easier if you have a "rehearsed" way to tell him. This is how I would do it (if it were me): "I have come to realize that I have contributed to enabling you---I thought I was helping you, but, I wasn't. I'm not going to do that to you any more. I am also not going to hurt myself like that ever again. You hurt me a lot, and I am never again going to put myself at the mercy of alcoholism---never again. I want to see you when you are in recovery. I want to see the real person--not the person who is twisted by this monster of a disease."
The above statement is just an example of how I would express it.
I hope this helps you a little.
sincerely, dandylion
It might make it easier if you have a "rehearsed" way to tell him. This is how I would do it (if it were me): "I have come to realize that I have contributed to enabling you---I thought I was helping you, but, I wasn't. I'm not going to do that to you any more. I am also not going to hurt myself like that ever again. You hurt me a lot, and I am never again going to put myself at the mercy of alcoholism---never again. I want to see you when you are in recovery. I want to see the real person--not the person who is twisted by this monster of a disease."
The above statement is just an example of how I would express it.
I hope this helps you a little.
sincerely, dandylion
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Alcoholics are big manipulators especially when it comes to their enablers. That's where he's coming from. You must save your own life: say no. You didn't cause this, you can't control it and you can't cure it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 3
dandylion,That's a very succinct way to say how I feel. Thank you for that.
I'm not planning on letting him come back-not even on letting him down easy. It just seems like he would have more hope if he knows he has the power to repair some relationships-at least to some degree-if he gets better. Maybe he will heed the advice of professionals and I won't have to have THAT conversation anyway.
So do you talk to them while they're recovering? Leave them alone? This is my first experience with someone close to me and I haven't read much-except here. I am not married to this person, don't have children, no mutual financial interest with him and just lived with him for 8 months. I can't imagine if I had been more involved. My heart goes out to so many people here who have had such a harder row to hoe.
Thank you all for caring and sharing.
I'm not planning on letting him come back-not even on letting him down easy. It just seems like he would have more hope if he knows he has the power to repair some relationships-at least to some degree-if he gets better. Maybe he will heed the advice of professionals and I won't have to have THAT conversation anyway.
So do you talk to them while they're recovering? Leave them alone? This is my first experience with someone close to me and I haven't read much-except here. I am not married to this person, don't have children, no mutual financial interest with him and just lived with him for 8 months. I can't imagine if I had been more involved. My heart goes out to so many people here who have had such a harder row to hoe.
Thank you all for caring and sharing.
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