Greeny

I have felt all through these 24 days a sense of unease and dread. I dare to think, how can I not be doomed based upon my history? I have made meetings before. I have needed and wanted recovery before. I have showed signs of earnestness and willingness before. I have said my prayers before, sometimes fervently and with powerful transforming effect. I have felt gratitude that brought me to tears. I have had wonderful, transcendent experiences. I made it through rough patches with my sobriety intact. I think of the service I have performed, such as my involvement with intergroup. I have had varying lengths of sobriety, up to 6+ years. And yet and yet and yet I drank again! I know sobriety is about a daily reprieve contingent upon my spiritual condition, but I have a profound fear that the day will come when I forget about this, or whatever happens to blind me and make it seem possible to take that damned (damning) first drink. All these 24 days I have not had an overt desire to drink but I recognize lingering images, feelings, sensations of drinking all separated and independent from the awful truth. Will those psychotic images, feelings prevail and guide me one day once again? I don't like writing these thoughts and feelings. But I suppose I need to express them rather than overlook them and allow them to fester.

Thepatman

What is different then me is that you have accomplished long time sobriety. I am on my way to beat my record of 5 weeks and plan staying sober.

I guess the best I can say if that even if you relapsed after a long stretch before does not mean you will this time arround. Have you identified what the trigger was the first slips? Might help you this time when you feel like you can just have a few ;-)

Good luck!!! And grats on getting back on track!

TTBABP

Get those feelings out Greeny- better to talk and think then act and drink. I wish you nothing but the best and whatever strength, trick and thoughts you need to stay sober!

Windancer

I have those feelings too sometimes, Greeny. I feel like Ive tried and failed so many times, how can I possibly overcome this.
I have been trying very hard to talk back to my negative feelings. "That isnt me..", or "This can change, and it will"....or I try and force myself to think about something else. Point is, I am trying very hard to learn not to stew on self doubt and fear (especially surrounding my alcoholism) because I think this very thinking has gotten me into trouble before.

Chin up! Im glad you are posting instead of drinking . It is early days yet and Im sure you will feel better and stronger as more time passes.

Melanomagirl

This is a fear I have as well...my only advice is to live in the moment. None of us even know if we will be here tomorrow. Enjoy today and be sober today

Xune

If you have horrific thoughts and feelings...why not go see a counsellor or psychologists in order to express and deal with them?

You don't have to stay sober on your own.