applecake

Hello all. Thanks to this wonderful site, I found out about RR and AVRT a little over a month ago, and I cannot describe the liberation I felt in making my Big Plan. For the first time in a long time, I had some of my self-esteem back, and I felt like I had some control over things again. I didn't feel like a complete loser. I was actually able to attend a couple of parties where alcohol was being served and enjoy sparkling water or tonic water. I ordered it without shame. And I was really enjoying the sleep that was starting to come with sobriety. Physically, I was starting to notice that I was feeling better.

For the last week or so, I found myself thinking more about spirits. I recognized this as beast activity, and tried to simply acknowledge it and move on. Friday evening, while on the table during a massage, I began thinking about how much I wanted a bourbon and coke. And I actually had the thought, "Oh hello, beast. That's you, isn't it?" I was able to separate Friday and go on with my massage and my evening.

Yesterday, however, was a different story. I haven't felt that low or despondent or bad about myself in a long time. I wondered whether it was hormones. I wondered whether it was anxiety. I wondered whether it was fear. Could it be loneliness? Why did I feel like I was experiencing a tremendous loss? Why was I sobbing uncontrollably?

Well, I'm sorry to say that the beast won. Even though I knew what would likely happen, I walked myself into a liquor store, bought the largest bottle of bourbon they sold, and I came home and proceeded to drink myself silly. I was never able to disassociate yesterday from those desperate feelings. I just wanted them to go away.

I'm sure I'm not the only RRer to succumb to the beast, but I haven't seen anything written about it. What now? I know that RR and the Big Plan leave no room for slips, so how do I reconcile this experience with the bigger goal of a life free from the insanity?

Thepatman

Applecake, I did the same that you did about month ago except it was beer in my case. I don't personally think that because we failed once that the AVRT technique cannot be used anymore. You must as I have learn from this experience. The concept of AVRT is more then just making the big plan. I made the same mistake as you, I tought it was a one shot deal and my problem was fixed. Recognizing the AV is one thing, trully seperating yourself from it is another story. It is very convincing when it starts the lying.

Suffice to say that you know the real you don't want to drink anymore. But you need to work on that part of yourself to be strong. The beast will strike when you feel weak, as it did when you hit a low last time. You will have lows, that's life. But you need tools to deal with them. You mentionned self esteem, boost it, workout, get new clothes, etc.

The beast loves it when you get weak... This post is long, hope it is somewhat helpful to you. Don't let anyone say AVRT is over for you. Just learn from this.

Take care. Say hi to tour beast for me. And be sarcastic when saying it! LOL

Cleopatra1

patman , thats so true,, wot a cool post, my thoughts exactly,,
dust yrself off apple,, and start again,, dont beat yrself up,, just carry on , in the now,,,,
lv cleo xxxxxxxxxx