NewWingstoFly

Hi everyone!

This is my first post on SR and I am so grateful to have found this site one month ago, when felt literally like "my life was over" (as I put it). The advice, similar experiences and plain ole love here -I can honestly say has put me in a way better spot over the last month. Here's a little background on my story...

Been with my fiancé for 9 years (i'm turning 27 in a few days) first boyfriend blah blah blah. Everything was honestly amazing for the first 7 and a half years. I knew he always was a partier and me not being the partier, I just put a lot of blind faith into the fact he was not like those other guys, he would grow out of the coke, and drinking, would never cheat on me etc. anyhow, fast forward to last month, I was at our friends house and woke up with a sick feeling in my stomach at 3 am- only to walk out and find him making out with some tramp while I was down the hall waiting for him in bed. Then all the stories began to surface of his infidelities over the last year.

Truthfully, I have been a co-dependent for over a year- trying everything I could think of to make him stay home at night, not get so drunk and coked out every weekend and come home @ 5am (which turned into more and more frequently). Anyhow after I left him (the second time) I needed an emergency operation and things were just SAD between us. He didn't want to be at the hospital, i just felt like so much distance between us. So much love that was replaced by his self hatred and guilt. So basically to shorten this story- things have been awful for a year and I have desperately been clinging on the last shred of hope that i could fix the relationship. I thought it was my fault, I wasn't ___ enough or I didn't do this or that.

Finally when I caught him cheating, I packed up all my stuff (all the while he DECIDED to go to a destination bachelor party and get completely F*ed out of his brain--even lost his passport at the end of the trip and his mom had to get him off the hook for that one. I should mention his mother is insane and his issues with her I think are alot to do with him wanting to escape his own reality)

I moved back in with my parents. I wrote him a lonnng email saying all the things I knew and basically calling him out on it all, and he responded by saying he cheated on me ever since we were engaged (1.5 years) because he felt he hadn't had enough experience with other women and once he was married he thought he never would! HAHA What a load of crap excuse is that?! Anyhow the whole email was pathetic and sort of made me feel like I was doing the right thing 100%.

He has lied to his mom about rehab saying- he has never tried to get sober on his own and he wants to try first. Load of BS he has been on several binges over past month. Anyways, I guess I just wanted to vent and say I have proudly have been not in contact for one month now-a huge achievement for me and while it is getting easier- sometimes (like tonight) i find myself dreaming about all of the good memories and what life was like pre-addict. I KNOW i have to move on..and it will get easier, but part of me thinks I will never love again.
I know I just need more self love. I have been really doing positive self love things during each day (going to the gym, nails, keeping a healthy diet and routine) And also I am finally going to my first alanon meeting on Monday night. I'm going to come back on here on tuesday (my birthday) just so I can be accountable.

Thanks for letting me vent. I have one question though.. during our 9 years together we have acquired 3 properties- 2 of them being luxury properties and a bunch of legal stuff to sort out. I know he is not in his right mind to divide things up, so should I wait until he is more sober?? or should I get my lawyer to go to his mother or.. I think I will wait til the New Year but is there any harm to waiting to sort that crap out?

Thanks everyone for listening.. it feels better just typing it out!
I have spent countless hours on this site smiling, crying and feeling not alone in my situation -which is a blessing.

"Sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power than defending or hanging on.” - Eckhart Tolle

hello-kitty

Thanks for sharing your story. There is no doubt in my mind that you will love again. As far as the properties, when faced with a large, challenging and unpleasant task, I like to start by taking one small baby step every day just to keep the forward momentum. One step at a time, one day at a time seems wise to me and stops me from feeling overwhelmed or getting stuck. It can't hurt to pick up the phone on Monday and schedule an appointment with a realtor or an attorney. Just pace yourself.

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR....glad you're finding support through the experience, strength and hope of others.

You've taken a huge first step in getting away from the insanity. Clarity is better when we're not in the thick of things.

You don't have to make any decisions today. Cynical had some great thoughts....and I agree.....there is no need to involve his mother unless she is directly (as in her name is on documents or loans) involved with the transactions. Addiction is a family disease and crazy is a part of it......I wouldn't invite crazy to the party and expect sanity to show up.

Glad you are taking care of yourself and have removed yourself from the unhealthy situation.

gentle hugs
ke

catlovermi

Consider seriously getting a full panel of STD tests - active addicts have all sorts of unprotected sex with those who are exposed to all sorts of things...

CLMI

NewWingstoFly

Thanks everyone for the replies. One of the properties is 25% owned by his mother, so I will have to deal with that. And yes once i found out -the first thing I did was get a full spectrum std test. No calls yet (which is a good thing) but I'm going to call back this week just to be safe. I always insisted on extra protection as well.

“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you will ever have.”
― Eckhart Tolle

outtolunch

Assuming the other owners want to sell to you or through normal channels, such sales are not reasonably going to close, this year.

Hopefully there is some sort of contract that predetermines how and when properties can be sold as well as the distribution of capial gains/losses.

Find a good attorney in January.